Wellspring & YACC = Awesome

May 10, 2014

When it comes to cancer resources, Calgary has some pretty cool stuff to offer. First off there's Wellspring. I don't even know where to start with this amazing non-profit group. So I'll start with the building.

It's a house. Like an actual house, with 3 floors, up near COP with all different kinds of rooms and a gym/yoga studio in the basement! It's welcoming as are the wonderful people (mostly volunteers) who run it. It runs on private donations and will be a big part of my life.

Phil and I went up to check it out and have a tour on Tuesday. We were welcomed like family from the moment we walked through the doors. I'm starting to wonder if only amazing people get cancer cause everyone I've met in this club is amazing in their own way.

We got a tour by a volunteer who had colon cancer 20 years ago (he's cancer free now) and is still going strong! How inspiring is that?? He volunteers with Wellspring now to give back cause they were such an amazing resource to him. He is also Irish. Like from Ireland. With a soft Irish accent. Could I have asked for a better sign??? At one point we discussed our mutual love of Guinness...By the end of the tour I  knew I would be spending a lot of time at this haven, amongst these wonderful people. The house is awesome and the programs they offer are really great.

They have all kinds of stuff like yoga classes, meditation, drumming, creative journaling, hikes (in the Kananaskis - I'm signing up for one in July!) support groups, (there's a women's one on Friday afternoons I'm going to check out) And they are all free. Well, sort of. Admission is having cancer. Or caring for someone who does...We got that covered, so we both registered lol

I was itching to get back up there so Thursday I went to a visualisation and mediation session. There were 6 other people there (all in different stages & kinds of cancer) plus the wonderful older woman who guides you. I got there 10 minutes late (damn insurance company caught me as i was about to walk out the door) They were chatting about their oncologists and how they always have to wait hours to see them cause the oncologists are always behind. (not complaining just stating the facts) The class was in the Waterfall room (they have a stone waterfall machine in there) I sat on one of the couches between two gentlemen. One was probably in his 40's or 50's and very quiet. The other was closer to my age, maybe just a few years older. Because I was late I didn't catch any names but next session I will be asking.

Across from us sat 3 ladies on another soft leather couch. One in her 60's I think. One in her 40's and the other in her 50's I think. Between the 2 couches sat an older lady maybe in her 70's with a soft (German?) accent. She lives in Canmore and drove over an hour to come to Wellspring. Not sure what kind of cancer but she's been doing chemo for 5 years. After meeting her only once I am seriously contemplating asking her next time I see her if I can visit her in Canmore. She is an amazing lady. They all were.

I just spent the first ten minutes or so listening to them talk, a bit in awe of this mixed group. They all sounded like pros. And radiated such strength. I could've basked in it all day. One lady (the one in her 50's) has an extremely rare kind of cancer. She was as positive as the rest. Class aside, just being with them was healing in a way I can't explain. Afterwards I felt emotional for the rest of the day.

The funny thing I've found with cancer - any cancer- is you have an immediate bond with anyone else who has it, or has had it. They get an intimate part of you no one else can. And they know it right from the first meeting. If you're gonna have some scary disease, it's nice to have such a brilliant Silver Lining.

Eventually I found my voice (ha like that was ever in doubt!!) and as they were talking about oncologists and nutrition I piped up about Kimmy and all the info she's given me cause I haven't gotten anything from the doctors, and then I was part of the group. I found out the guy my age is doing some complementary therapies and has a Naturopath. His diet is similar to mine. He also loves red meat so he still eats it now and again but stuff like bison and the good stuff without any antibiotics and all that. I told them about my plan to go to the best steakhouse in Calgary once chemo is done and eat the biggest., juiciest steak I can find. They all through that was a great idea (sorry Kimmy - I can feel you cringe from here...) Ha and my love of Guinness came up. They all decided that Guinness has no gluten (lol) and that once a month is moderation enough for sure, so that will be my Guinness regime lol. See why I love these people already??

One of the women (the one in her 40's) is Irish (weird eh??) And she loves her Guinness as well. She has it once a month so if that's good enough for her (stage 4 breast cancer and going strong) it's good enough for me!! A bunch of them treat themselves on Chemo day ("My Age Guy" goes to Dairy Queen lol) They thought maybe my Guinness day should be on chemo day.

Me: "But what if my chemo appointment is in the morning??
Them: "Well then when they ask if you took your medicine, tell them I sure did!"

They are awesome.

I brought up the pill situation. Every single person in the room with cancer said the same thing: Listen to your body. If the pills don't help, don't take them. "My Age Guy" said he was the same as me - he only takes pills on chemo day. But he said to talk to the nurses about all the side effects so i can get different pills regardless cause the ones I have are obviously not working well for me (and/or are too strong)

I can't tell you how relieved I felt to hear this from people who are WAY more experienced at chemo than myself. I'm a rookie - they are legends. Between validating my pill concerns and coming up with a plan to enjoy Guinness they have my gratitude for life lol

And then after the actual visualisation (which was awesome by the way) we chatted more. I told them about how I'm doing chemo first and best case they go in for surgery and there's nothing left, but that with the size of my lump I'm not expecting it (though I'm hoping!)

They all said simultaneously "Do expect it!! Expect miracles! Visualise everyday what you want to happen" The Irish woman pipped up "it happened to me! I was stage 4 breast cancer and not even a candidate for surgery. They decided to "try" chemo and see what happened. After treatments, when it was time for surgery there was nothing left in my breast. I told them to do a mastectomy anyways to be safe. But the cancer was gone".

Wow.

So, now I'm expecting by surgery time, it will be gone. Every day I picture my cancer being eaten away from the chemo and all the good foods I'm eating. :) While on the chemo topic at one point I shyly told them "I wore war paint to my first chemo treatment". By their response I think I moved up a few notches in their impression of me lol

I had read about a lot of young people with cancer saying some groups were not helpful because everyone was older and they couldn't relate. But that was not at all how I felt about this group. I felt like they took me under their wings. I"m so glad I found Wellspring.

The other resource I've heard amazing things (lots from those at Wellspring) is another non-profit called YACC (Young Adults Cancer Canada) They have a local group in Calgary. Its for those who are between 18-39 at time of diagnosis. So I signed up with them too cause they put on lots of social events. It's all young people. They are having a "Survivors Conference" in Toronto in June (5-9) You get to choose 12 different workshops on great topics. There's a walk with everyone. A banquet "you won't forget". Keynote speakers. And a whole weekend spent with other survivors (that is what they call everyone with cancer) And it would be all young people. For a fee of $149 it covers all of that plus accommodation (at Radisson!) and food!!

I really wish we could go. Spots just opened up. It's right before a treatment, so it would be well timed, but 2 flights out wouldn't be cheap. And I'd have to see if a 4hr flight is ok with the docs. I've emailed YACC cause you can fund raise and they put everything you raise towards your transportation!! (and all donations over $20 get tax receipts!) So I'm not ruling it out yet, but it's not looking too hopeful (we'll see what they come back with on fund raising), However I'm pretty stubborn. And I'm good at accomplishing what I want when I put my mind to it...so we'll see. We have to decide quick cause the spots will go fast...So send positive vibes...they have a fund raising form for businesses...so I kind wondered if I could hit up CP...but we'll see (the flights were just over $1200 taxes in total) Maybe even Kildares (the pub we have spent many a nights at since it opened)

But do you see what I mean by amazing resources??? I was told by the sweet Irish woman to also check out The Thrive lab at U of C. They have a special program called Beauty and its only for women with Breast Cancer. I'll probably call on Monday to find out about it.

I'm going to be more busy with cancer than when I was healthy!!! But I don't mind....so many Silver Linings its ridiculous.

I am so very lucky.

C Is For Compassion

May 7, 2014

BC (before cancer) I always wondered if the ladies I saw wearing all the beautiful scarves to protect their bald heads bought the scarves somewhere special, or if they were just really good scarf tiers. Kinda like those women who can come out of the shower, play with their hair for 5 minutes, and look like a supermodel.

I have never been one of those lucky ladies. All good hair days I had to fight for or it was fluke. It had nothing to do with any ability I possessed.

So I was a little worried if I lost my hair that any fancy "head dress" would be reliant on my skills (ball caps here I come!!) Now that I've been (unwillingly) inducted into the cancer club, I finally have my answer: there are places you can buy all kinds of head covers! (Phew!)

One such place in Calgary is a "store" called Compassionate Beauty. It's a place where women going through cancer treatments can find all kinds of products. They sell wigs, head covers, all kinds of mastectomy accessories etc. My mama friend Kelly has been there and told me "they are amazing". So my mom and I popped in there one day before my first chemo treatment. 

With chemo looming before me and my hair having been chopped off the night before, I had lots on my mind. Unbeknownst to me, I was feeling a little raw emotionally. 

We walked into the little shop and I noticed some men and a child reading, waiting on a couch. There were wigs and hats and all kinds of products. I tentatively glanced over what they had, thinking it wasn't a ton of stuff, while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed. A woman came up to me and asked if it was my first time in the store. When I told her it was, she said "Ok give me a minute". I was thinking "Ok....I'm just looking so hope she doesn't waste her time "helping" me since I still have hair...albeit less than 2 days ago...".

She came over a few minutes later and said "Come with me to the back. Yes, your mom too".

OK....this was not what I was expecting. Although for once I wasn't filled with dread at something unexpected - I was curious.

We go to a back room that is set up like a hairdresser. There's a hairdresser chair, a sink like at the salon and a bunch of wigs (and some mannequins - but not creepy ones lol) And floor to ceiling windows. It was a bright, airy room. She asks me to sit and then asks about my diagnosis.

This caught me off guard. I guess I was expecting the whole "ok you have cancer, assume you are getting chemo (and or surgery) so here's what we have.."

So I filled her in. She asked what kind of cancer (triple negative) and about if I specifically know what chemo cocktail I am getting (we had just come from the oncologist/cancer doctor so had all that info) She was so knowledgeable! We chatted away using all kinds of medical lingo like we were part of some secret underground cult.

It felt good to be talking to someone I didn't have to explain everything to. In fact, she explained more to me than I to her. Apparently she's been around this block a few times (I don't mean herself - I think she said her mom had breast cancer)

She asks me about my hair and if my do is what I've always had or if I already cut it. They try to get women to come in before they cut their hair so they can find wigs that most closely match what they had before. My mom pulls up some pics on Facebook (good ol Facebook) so she can see what I "normally" look like. Then she leaves to go get some wigs.

All this starts to sink in as I'm sitting in the chair, waiting. My eyes water as the toll of chopping my hair off catches up with me.

For the first time in this process, I feel like a kid without any control. I feel vulnerable and angry. And sadly, a little numb.

She comes back into the room with 3 short wigs. I kinda perk up. Must be the inner princess in me sensing some dress up about to commence. I try on a few, and although they were cute, they didn't make me look at all like me.

All I could think was "Emmy would hate it".

She can see I'm not "lighting up" (although I'm smiling). So she leaves again.

This time she comes back with a wig that is almost exactly my hair colour. Including some of the highlights. It's long. It has beautiful curls. I feel excited. And hope blossoms in my chest that maybe I won't look like a mannequin while going through chemo!

She puts it on me. And I love it! And I think "Emmy will love it". My mom takes a pic and sends it to Phil. 

I'm sold (like $600 sold...sigh...it's not cheap to be bald!)

When I ask about head coverings, she says I need a night cap and fuzzy head cover (for when its cold like camping!) and suggests getting some for the kids (she knew Emmy was having hard time with the whole hair fiasco) but that there's lots of time to buy that when the hair starts to fall out.

When she reassures me about...With breast cancer chemo in general but more specifically my drugs in particular it can start within 2 weeks but will not come out in huge chunks.

"You will never grab a section of hair and have it come out in your hand. That won't happen. You'll just shed. And shed. And shed. You'll know its started before anyone else knows. And some women choose to shave it then cause it's just so annoying shedding all the time." Guess me and Daisy are going to have more in common that I thought....

So as traumatising as hair loss can be, at least I am reassured it won't be too scary (either for me or my kids...) Although I wouldn't mind if the hair on the rest of my body would start to go. Chemo during the summer may save me lots of shaving time this summer! Which would be awesome cause the idea of taking a razor to my body and possibly cutting myself scares me a bit while on chemo. (I think I've moved from Lymph Node Fixation to Infection Fixation  - can't win lol!!)

Anyways she also told me they will take care of my head shave should it come to that. I can have as many people as I want there and I can bring whatever I want - cake, wine etc. So if I can't hold off to shave it with Kelly, I will probably take them up on it.

So heads up (HA!) on a head shaving party coming soon! (bring lots of wine)

One Down

May 4, 2014

"And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along this stony path

It's just a moment

This time will pass"

U2 -Stuck in a Moment

Well, it's been a hell of a week.

Last Sunday I was waking up in luxury in the middle of the Rocky Mountains. I was preparing physically and mentally for the week to come. I was looking into the unknown and hoping I'd cope ok...at least for the sake of my kids.

A week later and I feel like I've not just walked the path before me, but blazed through. I've been terrified, frustrated, nauseated and tired, but never defeated.

It's been one of the hardest weeks of my life. 

But I survived.

I survived!

Despite all my fears and uncertainties, I feel strong. Like really strong. 

Like "Don't F#@&ing Mess With Me, Cancer" strong.

I'm still learning. My immune system is about to take a nose dive this week so I have a whole new battle on the horizon. It's just the beginning. I know that.

But today I'm celebrating. 

Celebrating Day 3 of no pills.
Celebrating waking up hungry without nausea.
Celebrating all the love in my life.
Celebrating being alive.

One week down.

I'll take it.

Singin' In The Rain

May 2, 2014

Is it strange that waking up to the rain this morning was comforting? Guess all that time spent in Ireland hasn't rubbed off yet. Rain to me is cleansing. I love the after rain smell - so fresh and clean. It's kinda fitting a few days after my 1st chemo treatment and a rough moment last night when i needed a good cry and a good friend, that I wake up to this cleansing weather. Like it's washing away the last few days worries. 

It's calming. It's perfect. Maybe my guardian Angel trying to send me another sign "it's ok. Look. Its a new day - full of possibilities"

So I'm on day 4 since my treatment. The hardest thing this week has been the enormity of the decisions I have had to make. When every decision can affect your life, and I mean directly affect the outcome of your life,  it's not always easy to know what to do. I mentioned how the "preventative" pills they gave me made me feel worse than any of the chemo side effects. But I had great fear on how I'd feel if I didn't take them. 

Not that surprising I guess since this is my first time dealing with cancer ha. And it's an 'unknown" which has kinda been my kryptonite.

I also have a cough. I've had it for the last few weeks before treatment. Nothing nasty. Dry & maybe cough a couple times a day at best. But it was a little congested (just in AM) the last few days, so it was making me a bit nervous. Trying to add vitamin C rich foods to my diet. I'm seriously considering a regular vitamin C supplement - they (doctors) scare you about high dose vitamin C interfering with chemo - but I'm just thinking about the regular, normal daily supplement just till I kick the cold. I'm open to any other cold tips if you have any. I can't take echinacea (due to chemo) I don't have a runny nose and not much daily congestion, but I would feel better if it was gone before it has a chance to become an infection. That wouldn't be good. And may interfere with my May Long plans to camp...

Lofty goal, I know, but my counts (blood) should be highest (since my next treatment will be that Tues) and as long as it's not cold and rainy, doc said go for it! (and by camping i mean in a trailer - with heating - so not really roughing it lol)

There's a few other pain in the butt things - my hands are getting dry from all the washing and sanitizing.  I've been using a combo of coconut oil and some Rocky Mountain Soap Company Avocado hand butter. My tootsies are a bit dry too so will have to start moisturizing them multiple times a day. Now would be a great time to have a good moisturizer/masseuse on hand....maybe I can bribe the kids...

I also have to be careful of mouth & throat sores. Sorry if that's "too much info". I don't have any but I'm being proactive and rinsing and gargling my mouth with club soda like 8 or more times a day. Whatever it takes. It's not too bad really.

Constipation is also a pretty common chemo side effect. So trying to eat easy on the tummy stuff (to avoid nausea) while also making sure to include as much fiber rich food as I can (to avoid other issues)...thank God for Kimmy. She gets so many random nutrition related texts about this new food world I've entered...And she always finds me an answer. 

And then there's this damn measles outbreak in the city. Like REALLY?? 

Leave it to me to get cancer and chemo treatment in the midst of that....sigh...I know my mom always said I had a flare for drama but this is a bit much - even for me!! I'll feel better when there's no new cases.  Sadly that may mean not seeing people I'd really like to see cause I can't mess around with exposure. 

It could kill me. 

Heavy, i know, but true.  There's always skype...And I don't plan on having to stay confined within the 4 walls of my house for the next while. However, big crowds aren't my thing right at this moment. I'll just have to find balance between the two.

Sometimes it feels like a million battles a day. But I'm trying. You just gotta do the best you can. Everyday. And have faith. Never lose faith or hope.

Speaking of hope, did I mention i woke up starving today?? Good sign! I was laying in bed absolutely craving the gluten free pizza we made last night. Touch of cheese, red and yellow peppers, zucchini and spinach. I had a few pieces of it and it was heaven..Just the thought of it is making my mouth water again. Far cry from the pepperoni pizza I used to enjoy...but it was fulfilling.

One thing i learnt from 2 pregnancies with bad morning sickness is whatever you crave is usually safe. As long as you don't wolf it down lol.

I also don't have to take any pills today!! I just have some "if needed" anti nausea pills that I can take at my own discretion. Very happy about that! I'm hoping today is a good day.

I did mention right at the start of my post about needing a good cry last night. Yup, had a good cry to release the stress of the week. Slept great. Kimmy was on receiving end  and was just what I needed - so thank you girl from the bottom of my heart. But I still felt strong. Crying didn't make me feel less strong - quite the opposite - felt like the perfect way to release those negative stresses from the week in a healthy way, if that makes any sense at all.

And then to wake up to rain...Was a perfect morning.

Day 2 And Going Strong.

April 30, 2014 (meant to post this last night)

Day 2 - I woke up feeling great. Well, i woke up at 4 to pee, then figured I should have some crackers to prep my tummy for breakfast in a few hours. Fell back asleep till 6ish and then ate a banana. Didn't eat my green smoothie for breakfast till after 9:30am.

By this time I was still feeling great, and so eyeing the 3 "preventative" nausea pills (one is steroid) with some trepidation. Now don't get me wrong - I'm all about prevention of nausea and vomiting. I do NOT enjoy either. So I'm not about to go all rogue and throw pills away while burning my bra or anything....

However, I already have enough toxins roaming my body that if I don't need more, I'm good with that.

So I called my special Chemo line (feel kinda like a secret agent...might need to invest in a red phone for those calls lol) They told me one of the pills I could try without tonight if I"m not feeling nauseous. Either way though only 1 more day of pills after today at least. 

An hour after taking the damn pills I felt yucky. And bloated. Like there was a stone in my tummy. So I'm pretty sure its something in the pills. But what I don't know is how I'd feel if I didn't take them...I don't really want to be worshipping the porcelain goddess and trying to swallow pills...cause aside from an upset tummy (and some nausea that comes and goes..and a lingering headache likely from the steroid - yuck) I haven't thrown up. Which is a REALLY GOOD THING IN MY BOOKS lol

Although I think its the steroid, she said she wouldn't advise not taking that one. Part of what it does is keep me from retaining water. And acts like an appetite stimulant. Ah, all these wonderful decisions you get to make without any medical background...FUN!

Another Silver Lining (aside from not feeling too bad today) was we were able to take Daisy out for another walk. About 50 minutes!

And of course there's the amazing weather. Just gorgeous. 18 degrees at 4:45. Not a cloud in the sky. Course I've gotta be careful these days with the sun. So it wasn't like I could go sit in the sun today - chemo makes me burn faster. (ha burns my insides and my outsides...crazy drugs!) But just seeing the sunshine and even wearing long sleeves and sunscreen to take Daisy out felt wonderful. 

I learnt the hard way the first day when i put sunscreen on right before the walk...i have a lovely burn across both cheeks...at least I have some colour  - hope it stays until I lose all my hair...At least if I have to be bald would be nice to be a bit tanned lol (although I had a major heart attack first thing when i woke up cause i thought i had a fever...fever's are BAD when you've had chemo - a reading of 38 means I have to go to the emerg with a special letter....but nope turns out i am just an idiot for not putting sunscreen on earlier)

My food intake today was better. Smoothie in AM. For lunch we tested the waters with some gluten free, made from scratch, low sodium Farmers Market chicken noodle soup. 

The "testing" with this is it might have been too rich. But I ate part of it, then finished the rest 15 min later and all was good. Had a yummy supper meal that my friend from work Lisa M dropped off! Crock pot orange Ginger pork loin. We made it with peas, carrots and brown rice. I only had a bit of it but my family and in laws LOVED it! So thanks Lisa...your food is starting to be eaten and is SO MUCH APPRECIATED!! 

And I got some new shirts in the mail...for my chemo days. Although today I had to wear one of them just cause. 

Oh and as for that pill she said I could hold off on - I decided to take it. The reason is the steroid could keep me awake...and the other ones makes me drowsy...so sleep won out over less toxins...But I may not take it tomorrow morning (and if I feel nauseous later I can just take it whenever - its just twice a day so I have some flexibility with it) 

Here's to another good day tomorrow....