"FEAR has two meanings - Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours" - Zig Ziglar

July 22, 2014

Chemo Day.

Yuck. Double yuck.

My life the past 3 months (and that of my family) has revolved around my 'chemo days'. Each one has been a little different but they all have a common thread.

They are not fun.

I mentally build myself up to each one, while simultaneously trying not to think about it too much.

So far I've managed to keep the fear/anxiety/anticipation of what is to come in check until we are walking into "The Chemo Room". (given how much of a spaz I am that is actually quite the feat...)

This chemo day I woke up, cringed for a moment, then smiled. Regardless of what today's drug had in store for me, I was doing things my way. I bounded out of bed and went outside to try my preventative medicine. It was nice to have a pleasant distraction on chemo day. Normally I can't focus on anything cause I'm already turning inwards, prepping for what's to come.

The song "breaking the law, breaking the law" was playing in my head...

When I took the preventative pills the doc prescribed a bit later I thought "here we go".

On the way up to treatment I started to fret that maybe I hadn't had enough of my own medicine. I wasn't laughing like a hyena. I wasn't even giddy....

Phil pointed out that that wasn't my aim. He also pointed out how incredibly calm I was (which I hadn't noticed lol)

That's when I noticed it. I was almost zen calm. On a scale of 0-10 my anxiety was at a 0 or 1! This for a drug I had been stressing over for weeks!

I couldn't believe it!

Of course I had hoped it would work to "take the edge off". But I didn't think so little - like really - a few puffs - would result in a 180 compared to all previous treatment days.

Seriously - it was like night and day.

I could have been going shopping I was so calm.

Then it was like some higher power wanted to test me cause we chatted to a woman on our way to the chemo waiting room who had a terrible - like off the charts - reaction to docetaxel. Who told us ALL about it - quite energetically.

I honestly didn't even flinch.

And that was right in the waiting room...I should have been in total freak out mode.

I still had my container with cut lemons for the smell...yes the chemo room smell still bothered me but no nausea! I think that was a first!

The nurses did all their pre-checks before hooking my IV up. I was just sitting there, rolling with it. Actually engaging in meaningful conversation - usually I'm all over the place cause all I can focus on is the drugs they are about to poison me with...This time - not a care in the world!

The chemo nurse from my very first chemo treatment was my "double checker" (she checks name, bday etc to make sure they have right drug to right person - kinda important). Her name is Stephanie and I took it as a good omen. Cause she was awesome then (she was the one who whispered to my fist Red Devil dose "go where you're supposed to go") and she was awesome now. Her presence just calmed me even more (any calmer and I would have been part of the furniture lol).

Then they turned on the machine that pumps the chemo into your veins and set it for 15 minutes so they could make sure I didnt' have any adverse reactions.

And so here we were, at the very moment I had been dreading for so long....and it passed without incident.

Like not even a twitch! 

If only all chemo days could be so anticlimactic. 

So we finished up rest of treatment but still hightailed it outta there at the end. Anticlimactic or no, its still chemo.

Since then, there has been no nausea. Like at all. That right there is a huge Silver Lining!

As the days have gone on I've been a bit tormented with fairly intense headaches. Kinda feels like your head is in a vice. With nails.

It's not pleasant. I was hoping by now that they would be gone but I wake up with one every day and it hangs around. Been taking Aleve (which helps with the achyness I've been feeling) but it doesn't do much for the drummer/jackhammer in my head. My medicine helps, but I layed off it for a few days to see what else works/doesn't work (first round is always "Guinea pig round" - you try different stuff to see whats best). So far nothing else helps.

My tummy is in bits too. Get these strange pains. Like sharp, burning pains. I'm pretty sure one of the3 pills is for ulcers (ya WTF??) or something so I'm going to try one today. Didn't get the best instructions with these new sets of meds (I know I'm not green anymore but this is the first round on these meds - haven't gotten my Medical degree yet lol)

And I'm pretty sure this dose (or this drug) knocked out my taste buds...I can still taste stuff, but its off and not as strong....so food is less enjoyable. (now that may be as annoying as nausea for a side effect - I can eat to my hearts content but can't taste....ug).

So on one hand this round of chemo has been much better. Nausea has plagued me previously so relief from that is very much welcome. But I hope some of the pains I'm feeling aren't causing too much collateral damage inside....that worries me a bit.

Time will tell.

Oh and by the way, I'm still working on a few posts ..there's been some really great stuff in the last few weeks so thought I'd leave it till chemo week so I could be reminded when I need reminding...stay tuned.

"This is no time for ease and comfort. It is the time to dare and endure". - Winston Churchill

July 21, 2014

Well hello Docetaxel. I have heard all about you since my first Oncologist appointment. Your reputation precedes you. I think I've heard one 'good' story of all the many tales I've heard about you. How wretched you are. How tough on the body. 

The last 6 weeks I've been the most anxious since my FEC doses were getting worse and it was supposed to be the "easier" drug....

Thankfully at my last chemo and last oncologist appointment I challenged the notion of how bad you were. And told whoever would listen how freaked out I was from getting from all the 'negative press' about you.

The chemo nurse from my last (hurray!!) FEC dose, where I got sick, told me I'd be fine. Esp if I only had to get (potentially) 2 doses. "You'll barely get any side effects. Don't worry. And this is coming from a chemo nurse". Bless her. That gave me some hope. Some courage to face the devil I haven't met yet. My oncologist nurse - who's been awesome all along my journey - seconded that opinion. Cause I was pretty emotional going into that last appointment. I had lots of fear. And so far chemo has still not managed to put my body into a menopausal state - which is one of the few side effects I haven't gotten - so it was "that time of month" which put me in even more of an emotional state than normal. 

So I may have cried. Each time one of the four people came in lol. My nurse was the last one so she was pretty gentle.

Let me back up to the first new 'helper' nurse. She took my weight, vitals and all that. I can't remember when I started to cry but she wasn't spared lol. It might have been when she asked how I was doing - ha. 

After she left, my "helper" doctor who's been working with my oncologist came in and chatted side effects from last treatment. When she asked about the worse one from last round I told her "I puked. Twice". I think she said "just twice?". I was thinking "isn't that enough?" but I've heard so many bad chemo stories of people wrapped around toilet bowls unable to eat, so I could understand her "surprise" that puking twice was worse side effects (I think I've gotten used to the others so its really a matter of perspective...) I was so emotional I don't remember when I started cry with her, but I did lol. And was apologising. I've always come in with a smile so this was hard for me. I didn't want my team to think I had given up. It was just a combo of fear of unknown again and nerves....

She did go through the most common side effects for my next drug Docetaxel. Weight gain due to water retention (could get all puffy - great!). Bone, muscle and joint pain (very common). Could get rash on my face and/or body. Likely lose my eyebrows and lashes, even with just 2 doses. And then of course the dreaded "allergic reaction" during infusion. Stats are at 40% for people who react to it - trouble breathing, itchy skin, hives etc - when it's first being put into you. Kinda like what you can get with morphine. I had morphine for labour with Emmy and no reaction then so I hoped that was a sign. 

I asked the doc about Big Valley Jamboree. Cause to be honest, with this new, 'scary' drug on the horizon I was feeling worried about handling an outdoor country camping festival a week and a half after treatment. She was a bit overly exuberant about germs. Another side effect is this drug can really slam your blood counts (esp white blood - ie infection fighters), more so than FEC. She mentioned using our own trailer for all our bathroom breaks...which won't be possible. So as usual me and my mom came up with plan 'B'. I'll bring a box of disposable gloves and my own toiler paper and use that every time I have to use public porta potty. I'll sanitise the crap outta my hands after too just to be safe. I'll also be on preventative antibiotics starting this Sat for seven days (doc prescribes this as first line instead of the $2700 shot that I 'd have to give myself the day after each chemo - Thank you doc!). And I'll take probiotics starting a few days after chemo right through to my next dose. Nurse thought the probiotics was a great idea - even recommended!

My oncologist was next. He was actually in a somewhat jovial mood. Which helped to lift my mood. I asked him about how this drug is "synergistic" with FEC and did they expect continuing (same) results. He said it attacks canser in a different way but that they can only give 4 rounds of FEC cause it can be so hard on the heart. To which I replied "ya I guess that's one organ you kinda need eh?". He actually laughed! He asked about the surgeon appointment, and I told him I hadn't booked it yet but that the surgeon wanted to see me the week leading up to my 6th dose. Oncologist said I probably should see him (surgeon) after Ultrasound too since that will be the determining factor on six vs more. To which I pointed at him and said "just so you know if we have to do 7 rounds I'm gonna likely insist on another ultrasound before doing 8". He just smiled a resigned smile. Maybe I'm finally finding my voice. And getting through. It felt good. There actually may not have been tears with him!

When my nurse finally came in she looked at me and said "you don't look like yourself today. You look kinda sad". I burst into tears lol. She reassured me about the new drug and gave me some tips on how to handle any potential side effects. Then I sort of mentioned 6 rounds and she looked at me, surprised and said 6? And I said "yeah, I'm fighting for 6. If there's still canser left after 6 I'm good with more but I don't wanna do more than necessary. I'm holding him to it".

I think I saw admiration in her eyes when she smiled at me. It felt damn good that I was finally a part of my own treatment. And being treated as such.

And please don't think I'm going all rogue based on fear or dread of continuing chemo. I have an appointment with the Breast canser Supportive Care folks that are a medical team that help you with your medical decisions. A 2nd opinion of sorts. They work alongside Alberta Health and are not for profit. I feel exceptionally lucky and blessed to be seeing them next week. It will be peace of mind to not be trying to make life affecting decisions based solely on my gut and 1 set of opinions.

Triple Negative has a bad rap. It's the most aggressive breast canser (as far as I know). So I want to do whatever is going go give me the best shot at getting it right the first time. 

I think I've mentioned when the same canser comes back "metastasised" it can be from a "rogue" cell that doesn't get wiped out with treatment the first go round. It can find a new spot (ie body part) to attach to and grow.

So I'm a little more open to having to do an extra round of chemo if they tell me that research shows one more after "no detection" on ultrasound may help get the cells they can't see. But I do not want to do more for the sake of doing more either.

So I'm very much looking forward to hearing what the folks at BCSC have to say. We are getting down to the end of chemo...Thank God.

OK Docetaxel. Let's tango.

“Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.” - Natsuki Takaya

July 19, 2014

Words.

They are one of the most powerful weapons in this fight. They have the power to uplift, inspire, make me cry tears of joy. A kind word can pick me up when I've fallen down.

Unfortunately they also have the power to fill me with terror, despair and dread. They can break my heart and send me spiralling into all the dark places I try so hard to stay away from.

Spoken words are tough cause once something is said, it can't be unsaid. Even if they are spoken in anger or frustration, they can come back to haunt me when I'm having a bad moment. Or during chemo week when it seems all negative thoughts, stories and emotions come out of the woodwork.

I'm in a positive mindset like 90% of the time but it only takes the wrong words to change my whole perspective. 

Just words.

How is that possible?

Last night I saw a story on HuffPost while perusing Facebook. It spoke of an inspirational story of a Mom (of 5) with stage IV breast canser (Stage IV means it has spread to other parts of the body) Within 5 lines I had tears cascading down my cheeks. It was triple negative, like me. She beat it the first time - last year - when she was 36. Now she's in Europe fighting for her life.

All I could think is "that could be my story". It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I cried for a while. Terror was coursing through my veins. My whole body shook. First time since the "dark days" pre diagnosis. 

Sadly that's the reality with life once you've had a canser diagnosis. You just don't know. That is scary as hell.

But I've decided I'm not going to shy away from a story or a person cause they remind me of my own mortality. That Mama needs love. And support. I've heard stories equal to and worse as hers where the women are now canser free, 20 plus years later. 

Yes, stage IV women. 

So I'm gonna reach out to her. I think once you're in this club you gotta support each other however you are capable. Cause what if that was me and everyone wrote me off cause it was "just too much" or "just too scary"?

Here is her link:

Sarah Amento: This time I wonder, will I die bald?

That is the story I read. It's part of her blog that I'm trying to figure out how to go back to the beginning (lol)

For those in this fight not ready or capable right now of a story that may hit too close to home, please don't read it right now. When you're ready, her story will be there. I'll support her for the both of us in the meantime.

Cause I feel a kinship with her now. A woman I've never met. She's young. She has kids. Sounds like the first time around she had my same attitude. How can I not reach out and cheer her on? Like so many have done to me.

Cause she needs positivity now more than anything. Not pity. Not despair. 
Hope. Love. Knowing she's not alone. That's what gets me through.

In a weird way she's an unexpected Silver Lining. She has reminded me that sometimes you need to embrace a situation that may scare you. You need to love and hope even if you're terrified. Cause just maybe it will change your perspective. And teach you something in the process.

This journey for me has been all about growing and opening myself up to the good in life. Sometimes that means having to move past the scary stuff to get through to the good.

So thank you Sarah - your words started out as scary to me but taught me something in the process.

For that I am grateful.

Good luck - from one Warrior Mama to another. We're in this together and I'm sending you hope, strength and positivity.

And Love.

Save A Horse...

July 8, 2014 - delayed post!

I have the best girlfriends. 

Before chemo started I talked about everyone being my champions along the side lines cheering me on as I made my way through the marathon of treatments. I said no one could run it for me, but they could help to carry me when I needed a rest but must continue on.

On Tuesday (before we left for Ol Mac) that's what my wonderful girlfriends did. They carried me for a night. They lifted my somewhat broken spirit and gave me a night of rest from it all. 

I was just a girl. Who was out with 9 of her (hot) girlfriends. Who were all wearing pink bandanna's in solidarity. Having a beer on a patio during Stampede. Like almost everyone else in Calgary. 

I had no idea about it, so when Andrea and I showed up I was so focused on finding us a seat on the already busy patio that it wasn't until my 9 girls yelled "surprise" that I saw them! And I was standing right beside the table...I blinked a few times, a little bewildered...I think everyone on the patio thought it was a stagette lol

I can't put into words what that meant to me. So I put a slide show together of the pictures from that night (and a few from my "stampede" week before they intervened - including the pic that my wonderful coworkers texted me from the company party I couldn't go to cause it was 48hrs after Chemo...there may have been tears when I got it)

I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

xoxoxox

PS not sure if I set this up properly so let me know if you can't open it...not technically adept...None of the songs have worked in mobile so assuming video won't either but let me know on computer if you can't see it. Might be able to convince my brother in law or neighbours to take a peek ;)

Ol Mac

July 16, 2014

So we spent 6 days and 5 nights at Old Mac and packed a whole lotta fun in that time. Went to the beach everyday except Monday and Tuesday when we left. The kids had a blast with their cousins and their friends. They spent like 80% of their time on their bikes. You should see Ethan on his run bike (no pedals). He keeps up with the rest of them no problem lol. There are playgrounds spread throughout the campground so there was always something to keep them busy. There were animals there too in a sort of petting zoo. The kids especially loved the two gentle horses.

My parents and Grandma came out for the day Friday. Spent part of the day at the beach. My Grandma is a feisty 86 year old who still takes no pills and travels almost all the time. She is a pretty amazing woman (understatement) and all the grandkids and great-grandkids (14!) love her to pieces. She's pretty popular with the adults outside our family too but I think that's cause of the dirty jokes she likes to tell ha ha....

After they left Friday afternoon, the kids bugged us till we caved to rent these pedal go karts. They seat from 1-5 people. We got a few 4 seaters and a couple 3 seaters. I don't know who had more fun - the kids or the adults!! Me and Liz went flying down the hill whooping and hollering  - it was like the parting of the seas - everyone got out of our way!! Wonder if it was the crazed look in our eyes?! lol Poor Gabe (Bobbi's lil guy) was holding on for dear life. But he was smiling so we assumed he was enjoying himself ha ha...although maybe he was too scared to scream...All the kids kept switching seats so they all got to ride together at some point. It was really fun. You only rent them for a half hour at a time - which is fine cause it's quite the leg workout.

There's also a candy store, an arcade and you can get ice cream at Grandma's Kitchen. It's pretty much kid heaven. We got most of the kids on the little train (for kids only!). Gabe didn't like how loud the motor was that pulls it so he hung out with Phil and I at the park. He kept asking when Ethan was going to come back lol. Those two are so cute together. Same with Aydan and Emily - 'sisters' they call each other. They will be a formidable pair when they are older - a blonde and redhead who are incredible 'independant' and maybe a bit 'bossy'...uh I mean have leadership qualities lol.

There were hardly any squables - and I think only between siblings. We were having such a great time we even booked sites for next year. For 10 days! 

The first time we came to Old Mac was last year. We stayed from Thurs to Sun.We had booked to come for 10 days this year but thought dry camping for 10 days while going through chemo would be too hard (just staying clean and eating well). So we settled for Thurs-Tues. But next year 10 days for sure! And everyone else booked too! Now we just gotta put the bug in Dave's ear and it will be perfect :) 

It was great for everyone. Sunday everyone but us and Phil's parents left. We took the kids on the merry go round. It was fun - even for the "big kids" lol. The last night we took the kids for ice cream after supper then a hay ride (which Emmy informed us was only a tractor ride because there was no hay lol!). They loved it. Then we went to the candy store. I felt like I was re-living my childhood again ha. 

We were sad to be packing up Tuesday. So were the kids. But we are coming home and then spending the rest of the week doing a 'staycation' around Calgary. Hopefully Calaway Park. Maybe Kayben Farms. Maybe a movie. We'll see how the week goes. Supposed to be hot! On the weekend we are supposed to go hiking in the mountains with Phil's very good friend Marv and his family. I'm excited cause next week is chemo week, so I"m happy we're able to continue the 'mountains before chemo' trend. I have been amongst nature every weekend before chemo so far. Hopefully just 2 more chemo rounds. 

Maybe it's cause its still far enough away but I don't feel scared yet for next treatment. Hopefully we are in the homestretch. It's a new drug for me but I also have some of my own "preventative" medicine now in my arsenal with only good side effects so that is a huge mental comfort.

The whole time at Old Mac I relented on my diet. No red meat but coffee every morning and usually a beer at night. Never more than two but it felt so nice to have a few days "off". Well, not completely off - was still mostly vegetarian except for a couple dinners.



All in all it was a great time spent with great people. Can't wait for next year!!

"The real voyage in discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes" - Marcel Proust

July 13, 2014

When we came to Old Macdonald Resort to camp, I was expecting some R&R, (or as much as you can have with 5 families and 7 kids all at one site!) some catch up time with our friends and family and some family time with the kids. I was expecting to get away from the city and maybe a rest from canser. 

So far I have gotten all that. But what I was not expecting was for a day at the beach to give me perspective on my future surgery and then reconstruction. I've mentioned 'reconstruction' but I don't know if I 've elaborated. I don't have all the info and details on it yet, but I have the general picture




I have 2 broad choices.

1. Implants
2. Use my own tissue

I will of course research and do all my fact finding on both. But right now I'm leaning towards using my own tissue.

What, may you ask, is that? No, they don't recycle my old boobs (they, well at least one of them, tried to kill me remember?!) They would use my baby fat (and I mean from having my 2 babies) by cutting off that sort of lower (currently saggy!) tummy (skin & fat) and then attach it (however those magic plastic surgeons do it! Told ya I haven't read too much into it...) where my breasts once were. So, it's all still my tissue (which will come into play due to the radiation I will have) and - BEST PART- I get a tummy tuck at the same time!! I knew there had to be some perks along this path, aside from the (kinda) free Brazilian. Ha ha! What's (kinda) funny is after having Ethan I used to look at my body - specifically my poor tummy - and wonder if all else failed if maybe a tummy tuck would be something I would ever consider. This isn't exactly (at all) what I had in mind (careful what you wish for!) but not such a raw deal!

Being on the beach yesterday I let my mind wander at the prospect of a new(ish) body. I allowed myself to think of life after boobless Cindo. I was looking at all the women on the beach. There were alot of bikinis. I observed all shapes and sizes of breasts. And all the bikini options for those who were less than ginormous boobs. There were lots of options. Like cute options! And when I thought of my wrinkly tummy I dismayed for half a second, till I remembered the tummy tuck! Then I lit up. I will likely be able to wear a bikini confidently for two (new) reasons in future. 

1. My boobs will actually fit into one that doesn't cost a fortune! (when they use your own tissue your boobs can only be as big as the amount of "extra" tissue you have...Mcdonalds diet to commence 6 months prior to surgery...kidding Kimmy, but we may chat about chubbing me up lol)

2. I'll have a flat(ish) tummy. Or at the very least it won't have the wrinkly, saggy skin it does now. Thank you canser! (I would take the saggy tummy over canser in a heartbeat but being that I have canser....)

So I was (mental) noting all the cool bikinis that I saw. Can you say shopping spree?? And not just for bikinis! I'll likely be able to buy a $15 bra from LaSenza. I've never been able to do that. And likely buy any bra from Victoria's Secret - not just the ones with cups the size of children's hats! (for my busty friends I will likely have some very nice VS bras to "donate" that are in mint condition...)

If the women on the beach felt like they were being observed - they were - by a curious bald gal who was suddenly looking at all my options in future.  Had to put my shades on cause it was looking so bright :)

I'm sure that sounds so incredibly vain and I don't mean to make light of losing one's breasts. But I know there will likely be some dark days after the mastectomy and before the reconstruction surgery, and the beach yesterday gave me a ray of hope that all is not lost. And a possible shopping spree to boot! It was a nice, unexpected Silver Lining. 

And speaking of unexpected Silver Linings I cannot confirm or deny if I may have had a small amount of green herb to do a trial run to make sure I didn't go green (ha) on chemo day. Me and the girls (my actual girlfriends - I have not started speaking about my breasts in the third person)  went for a bike ride after the kids were down and the men were settled around the campfire. Now I don't know when the last time was that I went for a bike ride with my girlfriends. I'd guess I was a teenager. Being from a small town we lived on our bikes growing up. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy biking (One Aim team is looking better and better!!) And how much fun it is with your girlfriends, esp around a campground! We biked to the beach and all around till we found a quiet spot. We were giggling like teenagers as we looked all around making sure we weren't in plain sight. 

"Mom" rebels. Ha.

Then one of my partners in crime may or may  not have lit my medicine for me. We giggled some more. I think we all felt like we were 16 again. We passed it around a few times. It wasn't hitting me right away like one of my girls..she was giggling even more. Maybe it 's cause I made her re-light the damn thing half a dozen times lol. It was just a small one and by the time we got back on our bikes there was 1/4 left. And we were laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes. 

It was great.

I was happy and relaxed and giggling and completely symptom free from my chemo side effects (the ones that don't go away after the first few days - and get worse with each treatment.) No sore forearm muscles (that I could feel lol) No sore, tender veins in my arms. No joint pains in my elbows or wrists. No watering eyes. No headaches. Relief from the discomfort of my one mouth sore. No sore stomach like I can get from having a beer or wine sometimes. And the only "side effect" was laughing like a hyena. And a bit of cotton mouth. That is a hell of alot better than "dizziness" or "indigestion" or "nausea" or "headaches" or "constipation" to name a few from my "helpful" prescribed pills....Because we were giving our abs such a workout from all the laughing and we were "kid free" we decided to go chill out at the beach before we headed back to the site - with everyone there who was (mostly) unaware what mission we were on. 

We parked our bikes and found a spot on the beach. None of us had brought a camera, but the beautiful, bright, golden sun was hovering just above the lake. The reflection off the water was almost too bright to look at without sunglasses. As it sank lower, it turned pink and was really a sight to behold. It was extremely peaceful. (even with the broken up fits of laughter lol)

As we are sitting there I wonder for a moment if this was a good idea. I breathe to check my lung function. Yup, air going in and out. Move my limbs. All working. Focus on my tummy to make sure no nausea. Check. Felt my heart rate - up a bit but we were just biking. As I'm doing these body checks, there's suddenly a flash in the sky and we look up to see the beginning of a fireworks show. At first we thought it was just someone who bought a firework or two. But then there were a few more flashes. Then more and more. It was getting "grander" as time went on. I looked at one of my comrades and said "I bet this is my Dad saying "you wanted a sign on if this was good idea - here is one you can't miss. Hallelujah she finally got it!". At which point she teared up - which was not my intent - I was expecting a laugh. But I guess she was thinking the same thing as me as she watched the first few light up the sky.

So we sat on the beach as more and more people showed up, mesmerised and each lost in our own thoughts. Then I started to get the munchies...oh I mean get hungry, so we headed back to the site. We giggled lots more all the way back. 

We tried to be sly when we got back and sat around the campfire. I think the 4 bags of chips I carried out of the trailer may have given me away....

The fireworks were still going so we convinced some of the menfolk to go back with us. By the time we got back to the beach way more people had shown up. I  pulled out my bag of chips, sat on the beach while watching fireworks with my chemo induced bald head and thought "well I'm every cliche" and then cracked up at my own joke lol. 

It was a good night. 

Although our neighbours in the campground may have wondered where the pack of hyena's came from (but they were kind enough not to call to complain). Which is good cause we are here till Tues!

(oh and I have a Stampede post but I'm doing something a bit different so that one will be posted once it's all ready..)

"If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going" - Winston Churchill

July 8, 2014

It's been a reflective kind of week. Kelly sent me the below a long while back when we were talking about chemo. I'd bet anyone who's been through chemo can identify with it:

I mentioned that when I'm feeling physically ill my thoughts turn darker. For me, it's kinda like when they inject me, a portal opens up and I go through my own personal hell for a few days. It's actually not that different (mentally) than when I went through labour. Before you get any pain meds that is (ha or have the baby for all you hardcore mama's out there).

With Emmy I was 10 days overdue so they induced me. But although it skyrocketed me into contractions, the contractions weren't actually doing anything, so they couldn't give me an epidural until I dilated. After the first shot of morphine, nothing worked. So for 2 hours I turned inward and only focused on each moment as it happened. The Pain. Then breathing in between. Getting ready for the next Pain. Repeat. It's a very primal feeling. And very empowering when I think back - usually in amazement. When I finally got the epidural, and looked at Phil - like actually saw him - he said "you're back! I don't know where you were the last 2 hours but I'm glad you're back!". (and he was right beside me through the whole thing)

Chemo weeks feel very similar to me. I turn inwards. That is when I face my demons. 

Every bad canser story I've ever heard plays back then. With the added bonus of wondering "will I die a horrible death too?". That's when I wonder if I'll see my kids get married. Or have their own kids. I look in awe, and maybe with a  bit of envy, at seniors with white hair and think how lucky they are to have been given the experience of having white hair and I wonder if I'll ever experience it. 

Sometimes I wonder if Phil ever looks at me and wonders if I'll die.

When the kids insist Mommy does something cause I do it "right" (there are also Daddy only things) I sometimes debate showing Phil...just incase.

It's a dark place. But when I wake up usually 3-4 (or 5) days later, something clicks and I know I've been released and life is good again. Or maybe going to those dark places makes me appreciate every moment, just a little bit more. And I don't dwell on each moment - but I do entertain them momentarily before banishing them back to whatever hell they came from.

I don't know if that is considered soul searching but I think I grow after each chemo. 

I know this round must have been harder on me, and my mom, cause she actually suggested something I wasn't sure if I heard right...

She mentioned maybe it was time to try the green herb...!

My mom has never tried pot. It's just never been her thing. She was pretty straight and narrow growing up so when she brought that up I knew I must be in rough shape lol.. And then a few other people mentioned it. So I started to roll the idea around in my head...and then I did a bit of reading on it and anticipatory nausea. And guess what? It does help some people not get anticipatory nausea (the pills they give you do sweet f#%* all  cause it's a learned nausea) 

So I think next chemo will be alot...brighter....and my post from that day may not be so dark...or dark at all lol. 

I feel defiant and hopeful. Which is a hell of alot better than terrified and anxious...I've tried it the doctor's way but it keeps getting worse with each treatment. Their answers lie in pills that have additional side effects to the barrage I already have. Time to go my own way. 

And maybe actually enjoy some side effects. There's a novel idea - pleasant side effects!

So after a darker than normal week, now I begin "Rogue Cindo". 

We go camping this week with 4 other families and I feel ready to enjoy every second. canser may slow me down during chemo week but it's not gonna slow me down any longer than necessary. 

I'm back.

Pity Party For One

July 3, 2014

Ug.

Chemo was...an experience yesterday lol. I was so relieved on the one hand to at least be facing the devil I knew that I think initially my anxiety (about what was to come) was lower than normal. 

Until we walked into the "chemo room" and I could smell "The Smell". Just writing that makes my stomach turn. I was never one of those people who thought hospitals had a smell. But just the thought of the chemo room and I turn green.

Or white. Like 15 minutes into my 1st drug (red devil) I had to take my anti nausea pill. My stomach was rolling. It just got worse. I asked, slightly panicked, for a ginger ale. I sipped it but it didn't really help (although I tried to fervently convince myself that it was). My stomach just kept turning. Finally, white as a ghost, I asked for a bucket. Full panic mode now.

They gave me a little L shaped "bowl" and I went through 2 of them till they gave me a bucket, which I also had to use. Tears rolled down my face and I apologised as I emptied the contents of my stomach sitting in the chemo chair in a room full of people. It was awful. And totally all in my mind cause the treatment itself - as they are putting it into you - shouldn't make you nauseous.

Through all my chemo treatments my aim was to get through it without puking. Until this week I had been doing it. Guess you can't control everything...

Once we were done I couldn't get outta there fast enough. I had to cover my nose the last half hour cause I couldn't take the smell. We got a plain bagel with butter on the way home and that helped. Ate some toast when I got home. All good. Then I made my sweet potato leek soup and threw up again within an hour...NOT fun. 

While this was happening Emily was (thankfully) with my mom and Phil was at the hospital with Ethan (his arm had been bothering him to the point he wasn't using it after pulling it on Canada Day. He's fine! But we wanted to check it out)

So there I was alone, worshipping the porcelain Goddess and crying again. I hate getting sick. Although in fairness, I'm not sure anyone likes it. But in a way I was glad I was alone. Not very glamorous (ha) and the kids would've been upset. I made it back up to the couch and let my stomach settle. Then had some gluten free pasta with a touch of basil tomato sauce for flavour. That went down well. Phil and Ethan were home by then so we ate together. Emmy got home shortly after.

My tummy wasn't ever 100% settled for the rest of the night. So we did bedtime stories in my bed. Phil read the books and the kids snuggled with me. That was nice. My babies always make things better, even if momentarily.

Phil put them to bed and I was out by the time he came back. Guess it took alot out of me. 

I slept well. Today I've been feeling what me and Kelly call "blah". Just off. Managing nausea all day. No getting sick - Thank God.

Had pasta for breakfast (lol) I was actually craving KD but thought that might be pushing it...and wouldn't be worth getting sick over ha ha. The pasta was safe last night so I didn't want to chance it. I was pretty nervous eating today. But had ham on toast for lunch (real ham) and then 2 veggie burgers late in the afternoon of all things. I was too scared to have a smoothie which is what came up at chemo...I even treated myself to ice cream after supper - haven't had ice cream in months. Everything stayed down, so good day in that respect. 

Me and Phil took Daisy out for a walk as well. About 30-40 minutes. And tonight our neighbours Joe and Trista came over for a visit. The kids invited their daughter Olivia to come for a dip in the pool. It was nice having company over.

What really sucks is the timing of Stamped this year. We leave for Old MacDonald next week but with chemo on a Wed this week it takes me out for celebrating this weekend. I had put an SOS out to my girls and a bunch stepped up to go two stepping before I leave but it will be too close on the heels of chemo so I decided not a good idea. It will be my 1st Stampede in a while that I miss. We always have a girls night and go two stepping (most of our hubbies hate two stepping) So I'm pretty disappointed. Maybe we can have a Stampede do-over after. I moved here from Montreal when I 17 so I love Stampede. 

It's always hard for me to accept  not being able to do something cause of canser or canser related treatment. Like REALLY hard. I'm sure I'll cry about it in next few days. Tears of frustration as I see all the pics on my Facebook newsfeed of all my fellow Calgarians taking part in the festivities and parties. There hasn't been alot it's stopped me from doing but I have to say missing Stampede is a big one. We may try to hit a few pancake breakfasts for the kids. I had actually planned on taking the kids to the parade for the first time this year...but I wasn't counting on it also being "chemo week" at the time...or even canser being part of our plans for that matter.

I know - having a "poor me" moment. I'm sorry. It could be so much worse so I really shouldn't be complaining. I'm just disappointed. What's one year though right? It just makes me mad cause it feels like canser's getting one up on me and I hate that feeling. Everytime I camp, walk, run, Zumba or just carry on with my life I feel like I'm giving canser the finger. Missing Stampede feels like its flipping me back. "Ha ha you're too sick to go this year!".

I told ya feeling crummy takes a hit on my mood...I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I'll hopefully get in a good visit with my Mom and Grandma with lots of laughs. And maybe company for supper.

This is my go to song when i'm feeling down. Carry On by Fun. Video from YouTube.

I hated every minute of training, but I said "Don't quit. Suffer now. And live out the rest of your life as champion". -Muhammad Ali

June 30, 2014

So before getting to this week's chemo experience (next post), let me rewind to Monday's oncologist appointment.

So me, my Mom and Grandma (who's in from Montreal - yay!) go to the Tom Baker to confirm my 6 vs 8 chemo treatments. We get my blood work done first (all about the neuts!) and then we wait to see the doc. We have a quick chat with the nurse and then in comes another young male doc (kinda hot I have to say lol) who asks about side effects from last round etc. We talk a bit about the surgeon and 6 rounds and he alludes to 8 rounds still being the way my oncologist wants to go (my heart sinks). I start my argument about 6 vs 8. He asks to examine me - esp after I tell him the surgeon couldn't find the lump 1 1/2 weeks ago, nor anything in my lymph nodes (the last the oncologist had heard about size was from ultrasound which was previous Friday before surgeon appointment)

He examines me. I'm feeling quite defiant and am still blabbering on about how strongly I would like 6 even as he is diligently searching for the lump. He examines both breasts cause he can't seem to find any "feelable" trace of the lump or my lymph nodes. So he tells me "I"ll talk to the Dr but he's pretty set on 8 rounds so you may have a hard time to convince him". 

My mom pipes up "If he tells her 8, he's going to have to deal with a puddle".

I go on to re-hash what the surgeon said about more chemo not being better if I don't need it and how surgery times could be removed from the table with talking about timing cause he's flexible. So I'm not keen at all on doing the 8 for the sake of 8.

The young doc looks at me and says "well you didn't hear it from me, but its your body. You can say no." This takes me by surprise. He's on my side it seems. At least he's listening to what I am saying,. Then he promises me he'll discuss it with my oncologist and do his best to plead my case for 6 rounds not 8.

After a few minutes they both come in and I ready myself for a fight. My oncologist is smiling which is a good sign...I think. 

He says "so I'd like to do 1 more round of FEC (the one I've been doing) because the canser is responding so well to it". (my heart sinks again)

Me: Ok....

Dr: That way it leaves 8 rounds on the table if needed (me: Grimace) but I'll schedule an ultrasound after your 6th round and if there's nothing left we'll just do 6 (me: big grin!) And then that way you'll only potentially need to do 2 rounds of the doxitacil (new drug) instead of 3 rounds.

I tell him I will still schedule an appointment with surgeon leading up to my 6th round and tell my surgeon it will be dependent on the ultrasound results the following week. I"m also pretty sure somewhere in there I emphatically made the point that my preference was for 6 rounds. Like maybe just short of screaming it from the top of my lungs...

Oh and my nurse had my blood work. Remember how my neuts going into the last round were at 1.4 and the cut off for chemo is typically 1.5? Well I don't know if it was the 10% reduction in chemo, my focusing on iron rich foods or the few Guinness, but my counts were up at 1.9!! (I'm leaning towards the Guinness...)

So despite 6 rounds not being written in stone, I left pretty happy. Got a reprieve from being a guinea pig with new drug, and time to build myself up mentally. Going to try to meditate every day from now till then.

I'm also hoping by continuing to focus on iron rich foods, and exercising it will get my counts up again. I'm no Dr but it can't hurt right??

Now all my energy will be focused on obliterating the canser so by round 6 it's not visible on ultrasound. It's not easy cause as each week passes it gets harder to dig deep, but now that I have a goal to reach I'm gonna have to "up my game".

To quote my friend Dave: "Kicking ass and taking names...and the name is canser!".