"A ship in harbour is safe. But that's not what ships are built for" - William Shedd

Oct 24, 2014

Sentinel Node biopsy prep - day before surgery (ie needle in the boob!)

D - Day (or -DDD day ha)

A lil note for my surgical team hidden under my gown pre Op :)

Few hours post Op....

About to leave hospital Friday morning (few pounds lighter and slightly stoned from percocet lol)

Write up to follow....

"It is not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left" - Hubert Humphrey

Oct 21, 2014

The days following our trip to Edmonton were not great. I cried on a number of those days.

Well, Monday was Thanksgiving and we had a nice dinner at Phil's aunt's house. It was delicious and a great time. I didn't go to yoga on Tuesday cause we had 3 straight days on the go, so just wanted to take it easy at home. And my End Of Chemo party was the following Saturday so I planned on attacking the disaster that was my house.

But I think the reality of my impending surgery that hit me on the way back from Edmonton stuck around, and staying at home by myself was not a good choice. I find when I get into these "funks" it's like a downward spiral. You start with 1 "downer" thought - being boobless for a year - and then more thoughts just keep adding to it...till next thing I'll be shipped off and live in a convent after taking a vow of celibacy....

Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea. 

It was a combination of sadness at the permanence of the next part of treatment, and fear at not knowing how I'll feel about my body when I wake up and also how I'll be viewed by others. Strangely none of the feelings have yet had anything to do with the idea of going in for a surgery that will take two hours...it's all been the emotion associated with the before and after.

Wednesday was Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day (BRA). I got 2 texts that day - from Kelly and Janis - asking if I was going to the BRA event at Tom Baker that night. I mentioned it to Phil and he got his parents to come watch the kids and off we went. The registration was closed online but we took a chance that we could still attend and I'm so glad we went, cause they let us in. What a night! With surgery a week away it was a bit overwhelming when they did the presentation on the different kinds of reconstruction options available along with pictures of complications. But i was so relieved to see the after pics looked like breasts - nice breasts! So I feel better about that, even if it's a year or more away...

They also explained that all the surgeons/medical personnel (nurses included) were wearing white boas, while anyone who's had reconstruction of any sort was in pink boas. You could talk to any of them and ask questions.

After the presentation Janis took me over to talk to her plastic surgeon. I was curious if I had enough belly to make two new breasts and if so, about what size? So I asked him if he could give me a rough estimate. He thought a couple sizes smaller than I am now would be possible. Kind of a bizarre conversation to be having at a public event, I know, but it made me feel alot better. Deep down I think I feared there wouldn't be enough, and since with radiation implants are not likely, I'd be stuck boobless forever...

They also had a "show and tell" room filled with women who volunteered to show those considering reconstruction their results. Before any of you think this is odd, let me assure you it's not. I have had at least 5 women offer to show me either their scars from their mastectomy, or their reconstructed breasts. Once I have my surgery, I know I too will offer the same to those I meet who come after me. It's not an expectation, but anyone I've met who's had mastectomy or reconstruction has told me when I'm ready they will show me if I want. It's that sisterhood again. We're all in the same boat. So I think you try to help how you can.I never took anyone up on it yet, so not sure if that's good or bad for my expectations for surgery.

I think though the best part of the night was the women I met. As we were deciding where to go next (after talking to the surgeon) a woman came up to me and said "I saw you getting hot flashes during the presentation and wanted to tell you I feel your pain!". Her name is Samantha and she is just finished treatments. Her journey is similar to mine - chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation. We started chatting and her hubby Ian and Phil chatted too. She had lots of good tips for my upcoming surgery. After a while, another woman I had met at The Run, Vanessa, recognised me and said hello! She was with a woman she had met at her first chemo treatment the week before, Tammy. Soon all four of us were chatting. Before they left I got Samantha's contact info. We are trying to arrange to all meet - along with Tracy and Kelly. That would be great. The BRA event and meeting the girls perked me up a bit but Thurs was another rough day for me. 

By Thursday night Phil decided to take Friday off cause he was worried about me. By this point my mom had a terrible cold so she didn't want to come around in fear I'd catch it. I was not in good shape and so looking forward to my party. I didn't get much cleaning done that week so on Friday Phil and I attacked the house and got it in some sort of order. I was in better shape after feeling like we accomplished something. 

Saturday was great - my End of Chemo party that I had long awaited. We had over 40 people come (and almost 20 kids in addition) from 3pm onwards. My heart was overflowing with gratitude for all these people who have helped me in a myriad of ways throughout my journey so far. I was so very happy. I've mentioned how I thrive on people, and Sat I was in my element. Emmy and Ethan had made posters for the party which we tacked to the wall for all to see. Emmy even picked up a disco ball while out with Phil. All we were missing was the strobe lights lol. I had planned on having 1 Guinness per round of chemo but I only made it to 6 and it was 11pm. I was still fine cause I was yapping so much to drink too fast.

The whole reason we had the party at home was cause Emmy asked us if she could celebrate too. The kids have been through the horrible parts of treatment so it made sense that they should take part in the good celebrations too. They had an absolute blast. Emmy even made a new friend in Nigel's daughter Ella. Who requested a playdate lol. They are only a few months apart in age. A number of people wanted to come by but didn't cause they were sick, which I appreciate. I told them not to worry cause there will be another party after surgery but before radiation. Then another when I'm done radiation. I realised its as important for me to celebrate the end of each treatment as it is for the kids. It was a really fabulous night. 

 

Sadly by Sunday night i felt like I was riding a wave of emotion that was crashing. One minute I was resilient and feeling ready to face the next stage of treatment head on. My Inner Ninja no doubt. The next minute I'd have a "why me" moment for having to lose both my breasts so young. 

Over the weekend Phil decided to take the days leading up to surgery off. I think this definitely kept me from wallowing for too long but overall my mood has been pretty sombre. Andrea even came over to do a boudoir photo shoot and she was great and had lots of ideas. She got some great shots too. But in all honestly my heart just wasn't in it. I think with time I"ll be happy for the pictures, but during I just kinda felt sad. 

I did have a massage though and it was perfect. Although its the first session with my massage therapist where I didn't say 1 word. I think I woulda cried if we talked.

So tomorrow is the prep for the sentinel node biopsy. The one where I get a needle in the boob...the adrenaline I'll surely feel while getting it should rouse me outta my slump lol 

And then comes The Surgery. When I say goodbye to any canser that may be left. 

I've been emotional long enough.

Time for the warpaint to make a re-appearance.

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Oct 12, 2014

I don't think the people of West Edmonton Mall are used to seeing a woman with a bald head. Me, Phil and the kids came to West Ed (thanks to some financial help from my parents) for a couple of nights to get a nice break from the canser world. The kids are having a blast. But man, I haven't been stared at like this maybe ever! As gorgeous a creature as I may be, I don't think its my sensational good looks that is causing people to stare. Like the kind of staring where they watch you walk by. The first few I thought was just the normal "holy is that a bald (ish) woman"? But even Phil has noticed the stares. It's really weird to feel like the spotlight is on you after all this time. So to answer their unspoken questions, I put on my "I fight like a girl" breast canser t shirt. If I'm going to catch that much attention I may as well bring some awareness that yes, young otherwise healthy mama's get canser too. 

When we took the kids to the playplace in Galaxyland that night, Phil really noticed the other parents staring. Maybe I was used to it by then from the afternoon when we walked the mall. I often wonder if the kids notice (the stares), but they didn't say anything. Maybe they were too busy looking at all the fun stuff at the mall. 

We stayed at the Fantasyland Hotel in a Western Themed room so the kids were thrilled that their bunk beds were made up like the county jail. And they loved the hot hub in the room. We filled it up when we got back to the room and all got in. The kids giggled lots when me and Phil got in with them. 

Saturday morning we spent at the water park. Emmy is fearless (and tall enough) to do most of the slides. She and Phil did the double blue one that is as high as the ceiling and pretty much black all the way down! She wanted to go on the pink one that goes UPSIDE DOWN! But she was (thankfully) too young and doesn't weigh enough. Phil went on it and said once is enough lol. I did not go on anything too crazy. Let me tell you why.

I tried to embrace the whole "live like you're dying" (not cause I'm dying, just to live each day to fullest) attitude a few months ago when we took the kids to Calaway Park (amusement park near Calgary). See, I used to be a HUGE ride fanatic. Like the crazier the ride the better. Ask anyone who's known me for at least 10 years. One time at one of my 1st Stampede's, my friend Rory felt bad cause none of our friends would go on all the rides with me. So he humoured (pitied!) me and came on all the rides with me. After like an hour, he threw up....oooops! So you get the picture....

Many years later I'm not a huge fan of heights so I've become a chicken on anything that goes too high. Oh how the mighty fall! lol Anyways, while at Calaway and deciding to "seize the day" I went on the kids "drop of doom" which is probably 30-60 feet up. It goes right to the top, then you drop down. It does this a number of times. Normally I would not go on it. But in the spirit of the day I thought "what the hell". We got on. Ethan was beside me. He's 3. Emily (5) was on too as was Isabelle (13 - from dayhome) The first few drops were ok...Ethan was laughing his head off and so were Emily and Isabelle. They loved it. Their joy overrode my fear of heights. At first. There weren't too many people in line to get on, so the guy let us go. And go. And go. Naturally I get stuck the one time he extends the ride time. I was so happy to get off! I thought maybe if I tried another heights ride, it would help. So I got on The Swings. You know which one I mean - the swings that are attached to a merry go round looking contraption that then raises HIGH and swings you out...in little tiny seats who's only "safety" is a bar across your lap...Ya, I wasn't a fan! At all...So for me to "live like I"m dying" doesn't include anything with heights. I should add "cure fear of heights" to the list of what canser can't do ha. 

Anyways, that's why I didn't go too nuts on the high waterslides. I was eyeing the zipline that goes over the pool but after a few hours of swimming the kids were hungry and tired to we left pretty quick to feed them. There was one bad part at the pool that wasn't the stares - I didn't actually notice anyone stare at me like in the mall. It was when I fell. Me and Ethan were making our way to the kiddie pool so he could warm up. I went to step down the first of 3 (concrete) steps, when I slipped and fell hard, right on my tailbone, and kinda slid down the last 2. I saw stars. It hurt so bad I couldn't get up for like 2 minutes. In that time like 6 adults ran over to me, and I lost sight of Ethan (he didn't realise I fell down so kept walking). My pain and my fear at not being able to see Ethan grew till I was choking back tears as I tried to get back up on my feet. I had 2 thoughts run through my head:

1. Where was my son?
2. Could that fall cause any canser related issues (either directly from chemo, or due to blood counts being low) 

I didn't know the answer to either. I finally got up and slowly made my way to the kiddy pool where I found Ethan. I sat down, hugged him to me, and cried. At least if anyone stared at me then it may have been my tears rather than my baldish head. 

By dinner time I was in less pain.That night I decided to put on my heels, my strapless shirt and my make up for dinner. I held my head high as we walked to the restaurant. If I was gonna be stared at, I was at least gonna give them a sexy(ish) baldish woman to stare at. And stare they did. But maybe this time it was at the whole package instead of just the fuzzy head? I had to stop myself from winking at some of the more obvious "starers"... 

Anyways, Sunday we did Galaxyland and I let Phil take Emmy on all the crazy rides (she did an adult roller coaster that has a cart that spins as it goes around!!) I went on the smaller rides with Ethan. They really enjoyed themselves. Before we headed home we took them to the sea lion show, which they really liked too.

It was a great weekend.

I kept my eyes open but never did spot any other beautiful baldies. Maybe most other women feel more comfortable with a wig. I'm glad I have a wig, but I'm so happy I 've grown comfortable with my bald head. I've discovered a confidence I never knew existed. It makes me hopeful that I'll be able to find the same after my surgery in a few weeks. Even if it takes a while. It took a while to embrace my bald head. So I'm good with needing time to embrace my (temp) boobless body. Just so long as I get there eventually. 

On the three hour drive home, it kinda hit me that surgery is in a couple of weeks. I didn't cry but I don't think I spoke much. 

Two weeks. 

It's so soon.

Posted on YouTube by Elizabeth Vanesian..

"Just don't give up on trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong." - Ella Fitzgerald

Oct 6, 2014

Two weeks after my last chemo, and two days after my 36th birthday I completed my first 5k. I didn't shatter any records. I wasn't first. I wasn't last.

And I wasn't alone.

In this year's CIBC Run For The Cure I had 2 teams run in my name. My Inner Ninjas ran for me in Ottawa comprised of my family from back east, led by my cousin Jay and his wife Dar. Cindo's Rack Attack ran & walked with me in Calgary, comprised of friends and family (including my hubby Phil), led by my fearless (and organised) sis in law, Andrea. 

It meant the world to me.

The day started early - it was still dark out when my Calgary team met up! Luckily Andrea had her SUV all "pinked" out with balloons, writing and streamers. Most of the team met at her vehicle in a parking lot close to the mall (where the event was being held). Man was it cold!! People were still arriving at the mall when we got there. 

As a bit of a "surprise" my brother in law, Mike, (Andrea's husband) got me a pink shirt when he went to pick up the team's white shirts a few weeks before The Run. I was touched that he asked for one for me and that they decided to surprise me with it a few days before. 

I was so happy to be there with my pink shirt. Pink shirts are for survivors. I'm by no means done fighting - I still likely have canser in me - but I think you become a survivor the moment you get diagnosed. No matter what stage you are at - you gotta fight, and fight as hard as you can. Some are lucky and get to hear the words " you are canser free". Some are not so lucky and have to hear the words "it's come back". But whether you' re canser free or have to live with it for the rest of your life, I think we are all survivors. It's a way of life, not a label, for me. 

It felt great to be at The Run amongst a team of people who were there for me. They all had different reasons, but by joining my team I was one of those reasons. I will be forever thankful for every single one of them (on both teams). For me, it was an act of love.  And I love each of them in return. Being my first Run (of many!!)  made it even more special. (Andrea & Dar - I hope you signed up for the long haul for yearly team Runs!!)

I was so happy to also be there with my new sisterhood I've been introduced to - those in the fight with me. The other pink shirts. I was overjoyed to run into Janis who I met at Wellspring right when I first started going there. She is an amazing woman. She has a huge heart and along with all the same treatments as me also had to get a double mastectomy. She also had reconstruction (almost a year ago!) and is just coming up on her 4 years clear! She's awesome and I am lucky to have her in my life. 

I got lots of encouraging nods & smiles from the other pink shirts. They've been where I am. It was very inspiring. I felt so comfortable amongst these "strangers" who I've come to see as "friends I haven't met yet". 

As if I wasn't inspired enough, who do we see but Mayor Nenshi?!! I was grinning from ear to ear. He is one of my personal hero's after the way he worked the floods last summer. Best part was I got to get some pics with him and got to talk to him!! I was flying high and The Run hadn't even started yet!

They had a Zumba type warm up and once our whole team was assembled, we divided up as the runners headed to the start line while the walkers waited till it was their turn. Including our parents who had to wrangle their grand kids...

And then they counted down from 10 and we were off!! It was very exciting! And the people!! They were everywhere! After a while I had to walk to catch my breath. To my surprise, Phil (this was also his first 5k), Erin, Bobbi, Liz, Nicki, Cam and Dennis (2 of my One Aimers!!) all walked with me. When I started off again, it was not alone, but with these 7  teammates. They paced themselves the whole 5k with me! Some of them hate to run ( like me!) but choose to run  with me. Some could do the 5k in their sleep, but also choose to pace themselves with me. As I was looking at them in amazement during one of my walking brakes, I was touched to tears. Not only did I have 2 teams who were walking and running for me. I had this small group running with me. Our parents walked with the kids in tow...not an easy feat. I will never forget my 1st 5k because of all of them. 

As we neared the finish line, we all crossed, me and Phil a bit ahead of the pack, and I broke down in tears. I was so proud of every team member in that moment and glad I was able to complete the run after chemo - even if it took me 46 minutes! It just made me more determined to beat that time next year!!

We watched some more of the team cross the finish line (including some of the younger teammates who walked or ran the whole 5k!!) then headed over to listen to the awards etc. That's when I was pulled into the survivor tent and had my feet massaged!! I was heaven and I was treated cause I had a pink shirt! 

Once I finally joined back up with the rest of the team, the stage called out asking all pink shirts to go to the front of the stage. While there they asked me and 2 other survivors would go onstage and roll out the total amount raised in Calgary for The Run. Of course I said yes! My first Run and already up on stage! I guess drama follows me lol. 1.28 million dollars is what was raised in Calgary!! 

When I got off the stage I was talking to some of the survivors and a lady from the Dragon boat Team (The Sistership) was trying to recruit me to their team! Like their dragon boat team!! So I'm going to their info session in January...I'm sounding more and more like my crazy One Aimers...

They got all the survivors to go to the front of the stage to blow bubbles to honour those we have lost and those who are surviving...

While standing amongst all these women who have fought or are fighting breast canser I felt completely at ease. I didn't know any of them - never met them before - but was talking and laughing with them like we were old friends. It's like an instant companionship - and it's one of the things I'm so very thankful for. This journey has introduced me to people I would not otherwise have met. And my life is richer because of it. 

As we got ready to leave, a sign caught Phil's eye that said "Team Super Judit". I walked up to the lady and asked "Judit, as in under 30, blond hair and has a blog Judit?" She pointed to my friend who reached out to me on my blog who is also in Calgary and living with Stage 4 breast canser. We had only been in touch via email so I was so happy to see her in person! Of course I hugged her and we chatted for a few minutes before I had to go. I couldn't have ended the event any better if I tried. 

Afterwards about half the team headed to Andrea's for a delicious, and healthy brunch. Which included mimosas - really what's a celebration without them?!

It was a fantastic, memorable day. I felt so very loved and so very fortunate. "Thankful" doesn't even begin to describe my feelings for both teams...

I put together a slildeshow which I think captures the feeling of the day....

I have no copyrights to the songs I used in it, and I hope it plays properly (please leave a comment if it does not!)

“With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.” - William Shakespeare

Oct 3, 2014

Today is my 36th Birthday.

When I was younger I was always excited for my birthday. I always celebrated it with enthusiasm. I was like a kid at Christmas. After my 30th, they passed by a little quieter. With 2 young kids I was just too tired to do anything crazy or requiring much energy.

This year is different. When I got diagnosed in March, I wondered if I would be around to see my 36th birthday. After all, my Dad was diagnosed at 35 and never got to see his. 

So being able to celebrate 36 is very special to me. It represents a distinct difference between my journey and my Dad's journey. Within 6 months of his diagnosis, he passed away. Within 6 months of mine I barely have any canser left. Possibly none.

My father in law Randy put it best: "You know, aside from the initial really bad news of the canser diagnosis, we've had nothing but positive news since." I never thought about it that way, but it's true.

Given that it's 2 weeks past chemo and my immune system is still low, I can't go big tonight with a big party. Also, the Run is on Sunday, and given I'm not a 'runner' I'm trying to conserve my energy for run day lol. So it's dinner with my family and parents at...East Side Mario's lol. But they have beer! (hopefully Guinness but if not we have some at home!) and it's kid friendly. Saturday my in laws will all be over for supper and more birthday celebrations.

I still intend on having a big party - it'll just be a joint B-day/End of Chemo Party which we are having on the 18th. My immune system should be back to normal (or close to) and it's the weekend before my surgery.

As for tonight, I will be thinking of my Dad and celebrate 36 for the both of us.