"And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never fading with the sunset, when the rain set in...your candle's burned out long before your legend ever will..-Elton John

July 26, 2015

Remember that song “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen”? It was based on a speech written to a graduating high school class in the 90’s with advice for their future. There’s a line that says:

 “…the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday….”

Well, that is exactly what happened when I pulled out my phone on our way home after that glorious Lake Louise Ride. I was basking in the post ride peace, chatting with Hal and Phil, posted my Strava to Facebook…and then my heart was ripped out.

I put my phone down and looked, unseeing, out the window.

Beautiful, inspiring, fighting-stage- 4-triple-negative-breast-canser, mama of 5, Sarah Amento…sweet sweet Sarah….died.

That morning.

From the canser she fought so very hard with every tool she could find.

Died? My world tilted on its axis. Surely it stopped. How could the world continue without Sarah in it? What did that even look like?

I just shut down. My brain refused to process what my heart was screaming. It just wasn’t possible. She wasn’t supposed to die. She wasn’t allowed to die. She was the light on my dark days. She was going to beat the odds. Live to see her 5 babies grow old. She had thousands of people’s love. It was supposed to be enough to keep her here. She had so many close calls. But she always pulled through. Always.

Until now.

I was very quiet. Hal & Phil noticed and commented on it a few times. I didn’t tell them what was going on. I couldn’t. I was afraid if I tried to get the words out, I might feel. And if I felt the full brunt of my emotions, I’d cry. And that once I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I said nothing.

One moment I was on top of the world, the next the ground was ripped out from under my feet.

The rest of the drive and most of that night are a bit of a blur. I am pretty sure I got drunk that night. Not in a “lets go out and get obliterated” kind of way.

In a quiet, sad, heartbroken kind of way.

But the world kept turning. The next morning the sun came up. I got up and got ready for work.

On my drive in, one of the songs from my warrior playlist came on, reminded me of Sarah, and I cried all the way into work. In that moment, her babies were my babies. Her family’s grief and hell were my own. If it's possible, my heart broke all over again. This time not for my own grief  but for what her family were going through.

It’s just so bloody heartbreakingly unfair.

My heart goes out to her husband and best friend Andrew, her 5 beautiful children, her family and her friends. 

"...so long my friend...until we meet again....I'll remember you..." - Drink a Beer by Luke Bryan