Feb 20, 2015
Today I had an epiphany.
Which is great because this week I feel like I crashed and burned in all my "survivorship" glory. I had been warned about the period following the end of treatment. How suddenly it all catches up to you - but I thought because I was writing my blog I had been "dealing" with things along the way. So maybe for me it wouldn't be so bad.
Sigh.
You think I would have got an inkling what was in store for me when I had a few very bad nightmares over Christmas - which was before radiation even started. How the fear of re-occurance has steadily grown since surgery. How that bad headache or strange back pain can scare me so bad I can't fall back asleep at 3am cause I wonder if it's come back and metastasised...
Wednesday I hit the wall. Watching 3 women with stage 4 breast canser - all three were re-occurrences of previous non-stage 4 - who's disease is progressing, broke me. I posted a very down Facebook post and was filled with anger at the pink ribbon. Breast canser is NOT pink or cute or fashionable. So what's the point? Ra ra ra, go Team Pink, but women are still dying.
Dying.
This disease kills.
And then my anger dissolved and I cried. For about half an hour. It was a bit of why me? Why anyone? How long will my kids have their mother for? Two of the women I mentioned have kids. One has kids the same age as mine. They are living my biggest fear.
The epiphany came a little while later - while I was walking Daisy. I was thinking about how I've felt like when treatment ended, I walked through a door and fell into an abyss. A black hole of "what now?" I no longer have canser - which is frickin' fantastic - but canser is a sneaky bastard. It never seems to be just cut and dry "you're done - it's gone forever". They even put a timeline as to when it's the highest chance if it's going to come back... 5 years is general but seems like for triple negative breast canser it's actually highest chance in the first 3 years...when does the clock start? I've read mixed timelines on this too - I thought it was after treatment ended but I've seen some oncologists say it starts day of diagnosis...so beats me - 3 years plus/minus a year...
Anyways it was as I was thinking of all this and fear was washing over me that I realised I never truly dealt with the emotional trauma from treatment. Maybe you just can't when you're going through it because then you might not get through it. You may acknowledge the feelings but it's more like "ya, nope, not going there right now". When physically you are going through hell, mentally you need to focus on any positive you can. At least that's what I had to do to get through it. Yes, I wrote some "dark" blogs, about some of the bad days - but that just helped me to move past it - not deal with it.
And that was my epiphany.
Now is the time for facing, processing and ultimately healing from the emotional trauma of being - as another blogger put it - "poisoned, cut and burned". Just having that light bulb moment made me feel better. I think sometimes having an understanding of what is happening to you makes it less scary. Because the last week I was getting pretty freaked out.
At yoga the next day our (amazing!) instructor Kelly was talking about the new moon and asked us to write an intention for the next month. Something to focus on.
I decided this would be my month of mourning.
No, I'm not gonna cover all the mirrors and wear black everyday...But I will allow myself to mourn all the loss I've endured the last year. I've been so grateful but it doesn't mean it has been without sadness either.
I don't plan to be consumed by it - but in order to move past it, I have to move through it. Let the emotions come to the surface so I can feel them, accept them, then let them go.
I think this prospect is scarier than all the physical trials I've faced. But if I don't face them now, they will burrow deep and will need to be faced eventually.
No time like the present right?
Today I had an epiphany.
Which is great because this week I feel like I crashed and burned in all my "survivorship" glory. I had been warned about the period following the end of treatment. How suddenly it all catches up to you - but I thought because I was writing my blog I had been "dealing" with things along the way. So maybe for me it wouldn't be so bad.
Sigh.
You think I would have got an inkling what was in store for me when I had a few very bad nightmares over Christmas - which was before radiation even started. How the fear of re-occurance has steadily grown since surgery. How that bad headache or strange back pain can scare me so bad I can't fall back asleep at 3am cause I wonder if it's come back and metastasised...
Wednesday I hit the wall. Watching 3 women with stage 4 breast canser - all three were re-occurrences of previous non-stage 4 - who's disease is progressing, broke me. I posted a very down Facebook post and was filled with anger at the pink ribbon. Breast canser is NOT pink or cute or fashionable. So what's the point? Ra ra ra, go Team Pink, but women are still dying.
Dying.
This disease kills.
And then my anger dissolved and I cried. For about half an hour. It was a bit of why me? Why anyone? How long will my kids have their mother for? Two of the women I mentioned have kids. One has kids the same age as mine. They are living my biggest fear.
The epiphany came a little while later - while I was walking Daisy. I was thinking about how I've felt like when treatment ended, I walked through a door and fell into an abyss. A black hole of "what now?" I no longer have canser - which is frickin' fantastic - but canser is a sneaky bastard. It never seems to be just cut and dry "you're done - it's gone forever". They even put a timeline as to when it's the highest chance if it's going to come back... 5 years is general but seems like for triple negative breast canser it's actually highest chance in the first 3 years...when does the clock start? I've read mixed timelines on this too - I thought it was after treatment ended but I've seen some oncologists say it starts day of diagnosis...so beats me - 3 years plus/minus a year...
Anyways it was as I was thinking of all this and fear was washing over me that I realised I never truly dealt with the emotional trauma from treatment. Maybe you just can't when you're going through it because then you might not get through it. You may acknowledge the feelings but it's more like "ya, nope, not going there right now". When physically you are going through hell, mentally you need to focus on any positive you can. At least that's what I had to do to get through it. Yes, I wrote some "dark" blogs, about some of the bad days - but that just helped me to move past it - not deal with it.
And that was my epiphany.
Now is the time for facing, processing and ultimately healing from the emotional trauma of being - as another blogger put it - "poisoned, cut and burned". Just having that light bulb moment made me feel better. I think sometimes having an understanding of what is happening to you makes it less scary. Because the last week I was getting pretty freaked out.
At yoga the next day our (amazing!) instructor Kelly was talking about the new moon and asked us to write an intention for the next month. Something to focus on.
I decided this would be my month of mourning.
No, I'm not gonna cover all the mirrors and wear black everyday...But I will allow myself to mourn all the loss I've endured the last year. I've been so grateful but it doesn't mean it has been without sadness either.
I don't plan to be consumed by it - but in order to move past it, I have to move through it. Let the emotions come to the surface so I can feel them, accept them, then let them go.
I think this prospect is scarier than all the physical trials I've faced. But if I don't face them now, they will burrow deep and will need to be faced eventually.
No time like the present right?
Sara Bareilles - Gravity (YouTube)
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