"The best advice I've ever received: No one else knows what they are doing either". - Charles Bukowski

It's amazing what a few hours of sleep can do. I got about 3 hours and woke when the nurse came in for bloodwork.

Em is perkier and squeamish about getting bloodwork - a good sign. She had been woken up every hour. She's not a fan of finger pokes, which they'd been doing pretty regularly since we got to Children's.

Breakfast comes and my wonderful girl says she will be ok for a few while I (literally speed walk) to get a mocha down the hall to bring back. We are on the 4th floor and its so handy having a coffee shop on the same floor! I go grab one (with extra whip!) and head back.

The doctors come in. They check on Em and start talking to me. Once Em is more stable, (her blood sugars that is) we'll meet her Endo team...

Who?!

It's the team that will follow her until she's 18. Dietitian, Endocrinologist, Nurses and Psychologist (social worker too if need be).

Jeeze she's got her own medical team! Guess diva runs in the family lol

The Doc's tell me there will be learning in the clinic and to have Phil come. 

Hooray he can join us!!!

We are still awaiting Emily's Covid test, so are still in isolation (she can't leave the room until it comes back negative). We don't have to wear masks while in her room - which is really nice.

Small victories, but I'll take them where I can get them. I feel almost manic - immense relief that I don't have to do this alone, and try to relay the info to Phil. I talk to Phil. He tells me he broke down last night when telling Ethan and Ethan cried too. So Ethan slept in my spot in our bed.

Not sure who was more of a comfort to who. My heart feels better that they have each other right now and me and Em do too.

I text the parents, call them and Em sleeps.

She eats a bit - no more nausea! Yay!

She has a TV too so we put it on as background noise but she's bagged still and sleeps. When she's awake she's so alert. My panic has subsided some.

I text my boss. I can't even think about work. He tells me not to worry, he'll keep the team updated. My whole world is in this room so I'm thankful for him taking care of that for me.

Phil arrives and relief floods through me. 

Shortly after the diabetes nurse comes in  to teach us She brings 2 pens that have  needles on the end. 

These are Em's pens. She'll need 4 shots a day - 2 of each kind.

Oh God.

We will give them to her.

Ug.

We can start practicing while in hospital so we'll be comfortable when we get home. She has a whole bag of stuff. She shows us how to open the insulin package, and add the vile to the pen, and how to prime the pen by clicking 2 units and pressing it out. She tells us we have to always confirm the dose with another pair of eyes. 

Oh God. We are gonna be responsible for shots? OMG there's a cloudy and a clear one - one is long acting, one is short acting but how will we know when to give which one?? They just seem to know. I know they are different, but there's no list...how will I know which to use when??

How do the nurses keep this all straight?

We are given a log book to keep track of her numbers and doses. OMG. So much to remember. What if we screw up? Her life is in our hands. 

There's ketone sticks that we have to check her urine when her blood sugar is over 14. The nurses have been making her pee after each finger poke because she's way over 14 still so that part I can remember. But everything else?

Why is this happening to Em? A few days ago our lives were just chugging along. Now its needles and 4 shots and carb counts.

Carb counting?! OMG

Everything...there's "free food?! How will we keep this all straight?

We got a big green binder.

SO. MUCH. INFO.

When the nurse is explaining the 4 shots, Em pales.

"4 shots?!" 

I see tears in her eyes. My heart hurts. Oh babygirl how I wish I could carry this for you...

By the time supper comes the nurse asks if we want to give Em her shot. We ask if we can watch. Finger poke first. They give us a kit for that too...finger poker (less hard than the hospital one - finer needle!) a glucose monitor and test strips. 

Em is not wanting anymore pokes. I can feel her stress rising.

We get the finger poke done (the nurse does) but now there's tears and she's adamantly refusing to get the insulin poke.

This is awful.

Will we have to hold her down when we are home? OMG I can't do that to her....but she'll get sick without insulin. We are in a no win situation.

The nurse convinces her to get it and its done! She made it look ok. Except for Em not wanting the poke...how are we going to get her to let us do that 4 times a day?!

Her dinner appetite is great - she finishes almost everything. What she doesn't eat they "replace" with juice. 

OMG so many things to learn. How did they know what to replace? With what?

Phil, Em, and I chat and when it comes to the bedtime shot, Phil volunteers to do it.

I watch in awe. I'm nervous. He looks calm. It's done!

Phil leaves and I crawl into bed with Em. We snuggle and watch TV and talk. Just us girls. Feels nice and safe laying here together. She's not tired.

It's almost midnight but she's spend most of the day asleep.

"Wanna go for a walk?" I ask her.

"Now mom?!"

"Ya, why not?"

So we get up, put slippers and shoes on and sneak out of her room like naughty children and walk around the unit. We get back, she lays down and very shortly is asleep.

I have a GREAT sleep on the daybed.

I think the first, albeit tiny, spark of hope was lit tonight. 

As long as we are together we'll get through this.

Blindsided on Some Idle Monday

Well 2.5 weeks ago our lives changed again!

Nope not cancer.

But my 11 year old daughter Emily got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes...its not in the family, so it was a complete shock...

Let me start from the day our world was rocked..

Emily got 2 vaccines on Thursday afternoon at school  She then slept all weekend which didn't concern us too much because it was listed as a side effect. She had also been more tired about 2 weeks leading up to this point, and her appetite was off. I was starting to wonder if there may be an eating disorder - because how could she not be hungry almost all the time? 

Anyways so she slept basically all weekend. Sun around 11pm the vomiting started. Now I was wondering if it was a stomach bug, or could it be a reaction to the vaccine? Its been like 4 days so seems late but maybe...She and I are up all night and she is throwing up pretty much every hour and is insanely thirsty. She actually sneaks water in between, which she can't keep down.

Understandably she's exhausted the next morning. I take a day vacation from work because I'm so exhausted as well. Oh and Phil had all 4 wisdom teeth out on the previous Wednesday under general anesthetic so he's still on heavy pain meds and still recovering.

We finally get to the point that she's keeping pedialite down. I'm only letting her have a sip every 10 minutes. Then we graduate to 1 shot every 10 minutes. She's begging me for water but I don't want her to throw it up. I notice one time as she walks to the bathroom in her underwear and sports bra that she's lost weight. Like she's skinny - and not in a good way. Now I'm more worried about an eating disorder. Her face is pale and her eyes look sunken. She looks gaunt.

I'm super worried.

I decide I'll call our family doctor and get her in this week and go from there. If she suspects the same, we can go from there.

Around 1 pm or she goes in the bathroom and is in there a while. She's up to 2 shots of pedialite every 10 min and has had a few slices of banana to see if she can keep that down. So far so good. 

We have hopefully taken a turn for the better now!

Then I open the door to the bathroom, and she's sitting on the toilet (as a seat not going to bathroom) and looks kinda dazed.

"Em are you ok? Shall we go back to the recliner to sleep?"

"I can't. I just want to sleep. I feel like I'm gonna pass out..."

She crawls onto the bathroom carpet and closes her eyes.

I'm immediately concerned.

This is NOT normal. Something is very wrong.

"Em, is it time to go to the hospital?"

She nods.

Panic sets in. Do I call 911? I've been up all night - am I in any shape to drive? Phil is still on pain meds so shouldn't drive.  With Covid only 1 of us can go with her - what if she passes out in the car?

I call our friends Kyle and Aimee, panic slowly rising. Aimee is a paramedic so I ask her. I've been on hold for over 10 min with 811 and its telling me the wait time is longer than normal due to covid.

Aimee asks a bunch of questions then calmly reassures me she doesn't sound in imminent danger but yes she agrees Em should see a doctor. Likely at least severe dehydration, so she can get some fluids by IV.

I start to cry.

She talks calmly and assures me its ok to call 911 if I can't drive or don't feel comfortable driving. She looks up wait times for me and all the hospitals are over 2hrs but urgent care (10 min away) is only 30 minutes. I ask if it should be Children's - she again reassures me if Em needs to be transferred we can get an ambulance ride there from Urgent care. We decide on Urgent care to get her in ASAP.

Em needs Phil's help to get down the stairs - he's almost carrying her. My panic continues to rise.

We load the whole family into the car. We call parents, and ask Phil's to meet us at urgent care to get him and Ethan.

Em needs a wheelchair to go in because she doesn't have the strength to walk or wait in lines. I keep telling myself its all going to be ok, its just cause she needs fluids and was up all night.

My stomach is in knots.

There is a line up now. Apparently everyone decided they needed urgent care. I scan the crowd. No one else looks as bad as Em.

Its comforting and scary all at once - we should be seen quickly.

We get to the admin nurse and after bp, questions, she pauses, tells the other nurse to get a bed ready.

My stomach lurches.

I'm texting Phil, Andrea and the parents in a group string.

10 min later, we are called to the back. We are going into a covid isolation room because of the vomiting.

They immediately get her an IV. She barely responds. Em is terrified of needles. I'm even more worried from her lack of response.

They take blood, ask for urine sample when she can, poke her finger and hook up her IV with fluids.

Finally something to help!

Then the nurse starts asking about diabetes.

What?

No, its not in the family. Yes, she's been drinking more, but we are big water drinkers. hmm, ya there was fruity breath, but that was from her not brushing her teeth well enough with her braces...Well ya, she's been tired the last couple of weeks, but she's a tween so that's normal right?

Right??

The nurse pats my hand and says the doc will be with us shortly.

I text Phil.

Doc tells me they are gonna see what the bloodwork shows and go from there. She's dehydrated and the fluids will help

Ok. Makes sense. I text Phil.

An hour or so later the doc and nurse come to see me. Its maybe 9pm now. 

"So Emily will need to be transferred to the Children's"

Time stops. It cant be good if they are both here to tell me that?

"We can't confirm, but suspect that Emily is diabetic..."

My heart shatters and I burst into sobs. WHAT???

The nurse is patting me, Em is out of it and the doc is slowly talking but I'm not hearing any of it. 2 lovely paramedic ladies show up with kind eyes and speak slowly and reassuringly. We are going for an ambulance ride. Oh Em an ambulance ride! She sleeps on.

I text Phil. I don't want to be alone. He's at home with Ethan.

I HATE COVID.

He calls the parents to update them and has to explain what he can to a very scared Ethan.

I'm loaded up with Em in a snow storm into the ambulance in complete shock. I don't know much about diabetes.

But I do know since the pandemic we have been eating badly.

This is all my fault. She is paying the price because we got lazy?! 

OMG I'm the worst parent ever.

I ask the paramedic "we haven't been eating well. Did I do this to her?"

She looks at me, takes my hand and says "This is not your fault. This isn't about eating or foods or diet. It's genetics, viruses etc and not preventable."

Tears fall down my face. But I wonder if she is just trying to be kind. Isn't diabetes when you eat too many sweets? Bad food? Not enough good stuff? it's not in our family - I must have done something wrong. I must have been feeding her the wrong thing. The guilt fills my heart.

We get to the childrens and go into the ambulance bay. Its warm and dry. I follow Emily's stretcher with the paramedics. We stop as they transfer all the info to the nurse at Children's. 

I'm tired. And scared.

So scared.

We get into a small room. Em sleeps through all this except when they do conscious checks to make sure she knows where she is and who she is. they added insulin at Urgent care just before we left.

She looks a tiny bit better. Heart rate isn't as quick.  I try to lay down in the chair but I'm over tired now and my mind wont shut off. And the guilt.....

Docs come in, tell me she's in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) which is serious but not uncommon with kids who are first diagnosed. Her sugars were at 20 and normal range is 4-10 (holy shit - even if I don't know what that means exactly) She is Type 1 diabetic (tears) which is an autoimmune disorder where her own body has attacked the beta cells who produce insulin in her pancreas. She stopped producing insulin so now her body can't absorb the energy from any carbs she eats (insulin acts like a key) so her body started to burn the fat for energy and produced key tones in her blood which made her sick. the insulin is already helping, so that's kinda how they can confirm if its diabetes. 

Its not my fault they say - they still aren't sure what exactly causes it but ask about auto-immune diseases. They run in Phil's family so she may have been at higher risk and we didn't know.

Is it really not my fault?! Could that be true?!

I cry again.

They tell us we will be admitted shortly, likely for a few days. She has type 1 which means insulin dependent. She will need insulin for the rest of her life. 

OMG. What does that mean for her?

3AM we get brought up to a room that has a daybed for me! She gets a 2nd IV because her levels of potassium and phosphate are all out of whack too because of the DKA. She's now hooked up to like 5 IV bags.

She looks so small in that bed.

My heart is breaking but I can close my eyes for a few hours because they are checking her every hour. 

Thank God for Alberta Children's Hospital. We are safe here.

Choose Your Hard.

 Although my alcohol blog post that I just posted was from March 2020, its fitting it was posted now as I am currently doing Dry January. 

"But didnt you decide to give up alcohol until you were healed inside?!"

Ya, i drank in the last 8 months of pandemic chaos. I don't have it all figured out yet, especially about where alcohol fits in my life. But it was definitely more mindful drinking. And I'm proud of myself for not falling back into the really bad patterns - with everything going on in the world, it would have been so easy to do.

Were there some days I had more than necessary?

Yup.

And at the time I beat myself up and was not very kind to myself. But looking back, overall I think I did good...considering. 

But, I know I can do better.

So in 2021 I plan on building on my progress from 2020. It may not have been perfect progress - but there was definitely progress. And I think I need to acknowledge that - even if it wasn't huge. I know for myself it's so very easy to focus on what I could have/should have done instead. But I'm trying something new - I'm going to try to build myself up, instead of tearing myself down (this is actually very difficult for me - I'm my own worst critic). It's also so much easier to do hard things if you have accountability partners, and/or people doing it with you. So I have 3 people in my life who are doing dry January with me!

Isolating myself the last 8 months (longer actually) made things tougher than they needed to be. My 3 accountability partners are a connection. Maybe it's easier to start with connections that are mutually beneficial. We are supporting each other - it's not one way. So there's no guilt or fear of judgement since we are all trying to reach the same goal. And we all find parts of not drinking tough. 

Along with dry January, although cliche, I am determined to get back in shape. In order to be successful, I'm doing it in baby steps. And I'm putting a lot of thought into what has and hasn't worked in the past so I can set myself up for success. 

For example, by focusing on dry january as a part of getting back into shape instead of  as a punishment, it helps me to stay focused and motivated. It lessens the feeling of being deprived because I'm doing it to reach a goal that I will physically see and emotionally feel. It's been 10 days and I'm not finding it too hard so far to not have a beer.

As for getting in shape, I have many options. But aside from walking the dog and some hikes, I've been pretty sedentary. 

I've missed sweating. 

Well ok, maybe not the sweating part itself, but the way I feel after I've moved my body to the sweating point. I know starting will be tough and it won't feel so good (hence putting it off for sooooo long...). But once I push through the beginning, it gets better. A LOT better. Mentally, emotionally and of course physically. When I feel strong, I feel invincible...

I have not felt invincible in a long time.

Looking at pictures and seeing the weight I've gained is hard. Looking at pictures in the past (ironically through cancer treatment and after) when I was fit is harder knowing the work ahead of me. But as the saying goes, you need to chose your hard.

So I'm choosing running. 

Yes you read that right: running. 

Everyone who knows me knows I loathe to run. Well, running for "no reason" anyways...I played soccer most of my life and loved it. But I see running in soccer as with a point - ie trying to kick the ball into the net. Running for the sake of running is not really my idea of fun. I always laugh when I see a meme that says "if you see me running you'd better run too cause it means I'm being chased" - that's me to a tee. I've never been able to run on a treadmill and I watch people who use it to train in amazement! Just like the people who do marathons or the people who just run because they like it. 

However I will admit it's a good way to sweat in a shorter amount of time than lets say, cycling. When Phil and I go cycling, we are out for a few hours. Being lower on motivation to get started, shorter is definitely better! With the gyms being closed, and us being short on equipment, working out at home is also more challenging. I am currently looking at a few apps that i am going to try, but I didn't want to put off getting my body moving till I had it all sorted. Hence how I came to my decision to start off by running. No equipment needed, no schedules, and you can do it anywhere.

I have the app I used when I started to run while going through chemo. I always felt fabulous after - which says a lot. So I'm putting aside my dislike for my greater good lol. It's a couch to 5k type app called 'Get Running' that's very simple and walks you through each run (and it's free!).

The other reason I've chosen running is that I know I'll hate whatever I start with at the start...so if after I start to get in shape I ditch running, and stick to HIIT type workouts and cycling, it's no loss since I don't like to run anyways. As opposed to starting with riding on my bike trainer, and not enjoying it because it's harder at the beginning. Riding outside is so therapeutic so I don't want to be put off indoors.

And the other thing is that I find running hard. Its challenging and daunting to me. So when I finish a run, I am pumped and proud of myself. Which is helping with the whole "building myself up" mindset shift I'm aiming for.

10 days into 2021 and so far so good...

New Year, Same Me - I’m just going to love her better than ever! - Unknown

Jan 1, 2021

Leave it to me to take a leap with both feet and bare my soul less than a week before the world goes into full shutdown for a pandemic...

In March 2020 I wrote and published 2 blogs, and the third one (before this post) I wrote but didn't publish...next morning I got rear ended, ending up with a mild concussion and by the time I could look at a computer without turning green, we were in full lockdown. To be honest, how could I share my story of struggle when now the whole world was turned upside down? There was enough suffering to go around without adding my own to the mix.

At first for us not too much changed. It was like a cocoon being in lockdown - those first few weeks we enjoyed the slower pace of life. We even had a schedule for the kids and a points system for earning things like screen time or junk food (pinterest Mom anyone? Closest I've come ha)

But as anyone knows, 8 months is a long time to live apart. It seemed like on social media that people were doing ok. But I wasn't. The stuff that started me writing my blog again was still there - except now I had the perfect reason to pull away and to disconnect from friends. To hide the pain. We were all in this together, but I was sinking before Covid and I didn’t feel worthy to share that with anyone - after all everybody now had their own corona burdens.

But something amazing happened on New Years Eve. A few people told me they were struggling too - with some of the very same things I was struggling with! I think talking to each other may have been the first time we said anything to anyone (it was hard to do for me!) - and I could have cried with relief that these same people I pulled away from, still love me. That it's not just me - and whether their struggles started with Covid or it exacerbated them doesn't matter. We connected again, and it flipped a switch deep inside.

So today I woke up, and did another hard thing - I took our dog for a run! (I HATE running and have done very little for a LONG time exercise-wise) And I felt happy to sweat...and that I didn't drop dead ha. 

I did another hard thing today posting my previous blog on alcohol. 

The first day of a new year is a good day for hard things I guess 😉

“After all, alcohol is the only drug on earth you have to justify not taking.” ― Annie Grace, This Naked Mind

March 12, 2020

So…Alcohol.

Anyone who knows me, has known me, or has partied with me knows…I am a party girl. I can be a social butterfly. I like my booze. I like to get wild, get loud and have a good time.

However, I don’t drink every day. It doesn’t interfere with work. I don’t have a physical reaction when I don’t drink. I’ve never had my stomach pumped. And maybe that’s why I didn’t think it was an issue for so long. I had this preconceived idea that it had to be ‘extreme’ in order to be an issue in my life.

This part is hard – I didn’t think about what my kids were seeing. I didn’t think about Phil. What’s a few drinks on a Friday and Saturday night right? Society says that’s what you do to relax. You OWE it to yourself to have that nice cold beer after a long week where you worked hard.

Well, those few drinks started to become (alarmingly) many. It wasn’t 2 beers…its was 5. Or 7. Red Flag.

My tolerance went way up. When Phil would mention “do you really need another one?”. I’d get annoyed…mad even. Another red flag. We’d go camping. What goes together better than camping and drinking by the fire all day long, all weekend long? We’d actually run out of beer and have to go buy more. BIG red flag.

But I ignored that. The idea of no booze – terrifying. How will I relax? How will I have fun? Unconsciously, how could I avoid the pain bubbling under the surface if I couldn’t take the edge off?

I tried a couple of times to do 30 days no alcohol. I think I lasted 3 weeks each time. I could do no booze – but apparently only for a fixed amount of time. Then I’d pat myself on the back, assured that I ‘don’t have a problem’, and get right back to where I was before.

Booze has been part of my life since I was a teen. I can’t say if it was an issue in this same way before the last few years. Before my whole life was turned upside down with every cut of that knife to remove the cancer…then prevent cancer…then rebuild what cancer took from me. When I went through treatment I slid into a badass mindset and wholly embraced it. I tackled everything head on. I thought I did that equally for all the parts – chemo, rads and surgery. Maybe I ran out of steam. Maybe the non permanent parts were easier to tackle – hair grows back, radiated skin heals, cancer treatment ends. Cause I don’t think I tackled surgery in the same way. Any of the 3 surgeries.

Breasts do not grow back. Having them cut off is not an expected part of life. You don’t grow up thinking “one day when I have to have my breasts removed…”. I won’t lie – there was a novelty of having no breasts. It was kind of liberating. For a while. Then the novelty wore off. No prob though - I was having reconstruction right? That would fix everything! A boob job no less – who doesn’t think that’s a great thing? Except reconstruction is not a boob job. You don’t get nipples like you were born with with reconstruction. Those are gone forever. You can get tattoos, surgical creation of the nipple in looks only. You can get implants or cut off part of your body to stitch to your chest. But it is NOT the same thing as the breasts you knew and loved. My plastic surgeon once said “God makes breasts. I am not God. I make a reasonable facsimile of breasts. Under clothes, no one will ever know.” (Naked, it’s a different thing. At least for me. Maybe that’s where the image in the mirror first started to get distorted for me.)

And you know what? What they can do now for patients who get mastectomies is AMAZING. I am so so so very grateful to my plastic surgeon. Maybe that’s what makes it so hard. I’m so very grateful, and so very heartbroken all at the same time. I guess its not such a stretch that when I’d be happy and have a buzz from drinking, things didn’t quite seem so bad or matter so much. It’s easy to gloss over the sad feelings, while amplifying the good ones. But it’s not sustainable. Obviously or I wouldn’t be here!

So, how did I get past the 3 week limit of cutting out booze?

Well, as usual I did a lot of reading. AA didn’t seem like a good idea to me – I was already drowning in negative labels – it didn’t make sense for me to add another one ( and I am in no way knocking AA – I just didn’t feel like it was a good fit for me). Just pure willpower wasn’t going to work either – it never seemed to last past the 3 weeks right?

While researching, I came across a book called The 30 Day Alcohol Experiment, by Annie Grace. It seemed to speak right to me. The idea is to try 30 days without booze – but to look at it as an experiment about what life could be like - without booze. And she has a chapter a day for you to read. And she agrees about will power – her argument is will power is finite. Basically you only have so much. So you start using it to not drink a beer. But you are also using it to not eat that pizza. Oh and we need it to go to the gym that we don’t feel like going to. At some point, it’s going to run out. You only have so much, and the more you use it for, the less stronger it will be. That totally made sense to me. She does stress that this book should not be used in place of medical facilities for people who need to detox – if you are having physical detox reactions, you need help from doctors who can help you safely. What I love about her book is it’s not all or nothing. People who use her tools aren’t just people who cut it out completely. People use her book to reset and just reduce how much they drink. Or to become more mindful drinkers.

Anyways, her book was a huge help. I was esp. motivated this time too since I was committed to Phil and myself to figure things out before they got really bad.

So if you have tried some stuff, or haven’t found anything that has helped you, and you want to reduce (or eliminate) how much you drink, check out her book. They even have it at the library so you can try it without committing if you decide you hate it! She’s got a podcast too (This Naked Mind), if you wanna go that route and check out what she’s about first.

It wasn’t just the book though that helped. I also got some fakies. Non alcoholic beer (ya i know - but they actually aren't that bad). That was a HUGE help too. My favorite actually is Heineken or Coors (although I also like O'douls amber). I saw some Toolshed non alcoholic beers too at Sobeys but I haven’t tried those yet... We have also started to drink virgin Mules – Ginger beer (like ginger ale but spicier – spiciest one is at Super Store) and lime juice. SO good! Phil saying he wasn’t going to drink beer around me or have it in the house was important to. Days when it was harder cause I really, really felt like a beer were made easier by it not being in the fridge.

I have to say – I feel really good. In some ways it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I like not having hangovers. I like getting up early and tackling the day with a clear head. I’ll talk about Rachel Hollis and her #Made For More group in another post, but she challenges women with “what if you didn’t break your promise to yourself this time”. So promising myself to stay away from booze till I healed, and actually holding up that end of the promises has made me feel like I can do hard things for myself. And that its just as important to do it for myself than anyone else (maybe more). It has allowed me to feel the pain come to the surface. That’s been uncomfortable. But I’m trying to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and be curious about it, instead of pushing it down cause its uncomfortable. Kinda like dipping a toe in the water before you jump in. Sitting with it without the comfort of beer (but without actively addressing it) has been prepping me for when I go talk to someone and it gets very uncomfortable.

We did go for dinner at a pub a few nights ago and we each had a beer. It was one beer, and a bit of a test, and I was so happy that in my mind I passed. I didn’t crave a second one. I didn’t down my beer before the food got there (I actually savored it and tried to be aware of drinking it instead of mindlessly drinking it) It was just so freaking nice to have a beer with my husband like a normal couple. I don’t plan on having another for a while, but I’m glad we did have one that night cause I think I needed to see if staying away from it for over a month prior had changed anything. I’m not ready to be drinking. Maybe I’ll decide to give it up for good. I don’t know – I'm not ready to make that decision right now. I need to work on the broken stuff inside before I even decide if it still has a place in my life. Otherwise it will likely just become a crutch again to help me not deal with the hard stuff.

And I have to deal with the hard stuff.