May 29, 2014
One of the things about this journey is there sure are alot of decisions to be made. With some of these decisions comes pressure.
For me a major decision was about my hair (shock!). When you have to walk the chemo path, especially as a woman (not knocking men!) you have alot of ways you can go. Like many of the decisions I've had to make, its not always easy to know what to do.
I was at first opposed to cutting my hair at all when I found out it was highly likely on my chemo to fall out. My thought was why not leave it for as long as you can. If it falls out eventually so be it. But why rush it?
But then I looked at my kids, Emmy especially, who loved my long hair, and started to wonder what was best for them.
I came to terms with the idea of cutting it shorter so it wasn't such a big transition to no hair for the kids. That first cut though was emotional. We cut it right before my 1st chemo and it was the first physical act that made things feel real. (the 3 toxins injected into me the next day took it to whole other level lol).
Emmy hated it which confirmed I had made the right choice - now she had time to get used to the idea...I hoped! She would often say "you're gonna look like a boy when you have no hair!". I laughed the first few times but then it started to hit a little too close to home for some of the fears I had about shaving it.
What if my 5 year old was right (scary on many levels...)???
Then 15 days after my 1st chemo treatment the shedding started. By the weekend before my 2nd chemo I knew I had to shave it. It was getting traumatic to shower and from losing it everywhere.
I put the idea in Emmy's head prior to camping and we talked about it over the whole weekend.
The main initial feeling while shaving it was relief. Now I could shower without anxiety.
I had bought my wig when I still had hair. At the time it seemed far off (when I'd actually need to wear it) and a wig made sense.
Once my hair was shaved, I wanted to get comfortable in my own skin. That's why I asked Andrea to come over and take pics. I didn't want to be ashamed or hide. And the decisions up to this point have made sense.
But this week a new pressure is emerging. Partly identity crisis. I have had so many people rally behind me and my shaved head. When it comes to my canser fight, my shaved head gives me strength. It brings out my "tough" or "badass" Cindo. Sitting in the chemo chair last treatment with war paint on my face and a shaved head was very empowering. This is a good warrior look.
But I'm also a woman. Who happens to like to feel pretty sometimes. Sexy even. My shaved head is alot of things, but I haven't gotten to 'sexy' or 'pretty' yet. It's only been a week and a half, so I know there's still time to find my 'bald sex(y) goddess' but I haven't yet.
I stopped into my work the other day. I hadn't been in since before my 1st treatment.I was excited. Even with my bald head.
I got there late in the day so alot of people had already gone for the day, so I only saw a few people. And once I started talking to my co-workers, I started to get self conscious the longer I was there. I realised after that I don't think I looked alot of people in the eye, and I didn't hold eye contact either. That is not like me. I had missed them so much, yet being with them looking all healthy and unchanged, made me feel like the changes in me were amplified (for said coworkers reading this - it wasn't anything you did or said - this is all me lol).
I came home and was emotional and a bit upset. I even asked Phil if he could pick me up some red wine. He was already home but went out to get me some. I told him he didn't have to, I would have been fine without. He looked at me and said "you've never asked me for red wine, so I figured if you were asking, it was cause you needed it". Smart man...
Having a bald head is a pain in the ass sometimes. It's a constant reminder that I'm "sick". Even when I don't feel sick. Which is most of the time.
The next morning was when I had my wig fitting. After feeling so bad the night before, the wig was like a 180. I looked normal. Like any other person walking around. With the wig its my choice if I tell someone I have canser - there isn't a beacon to announce it for me.
So I stopped by work again (I had forgotten my water bottle and shades...I'd lose my head if not attached...I wish I could blame that on chemo or canser but alas I've always been a bit forgetful...) This time I felt happy. The wig made me feel pretty. I think a few people I don't know checked me out! At first I was self conscious, but then remembered I wasn't bald, so that's not what they were looking at.
But later that night, and today, I feel like the wig is pretending to be someone or something I'm not. So I feel torn that if I wear it, I will be letting people down by not being "warrior" Cindo. I feel torn that wearing the wig somehow means I'm not proud all the time of the fight I'm fighting. Like wearing a wig is doing a dis-service to all us baldies fighting the big 'c'. Kinda like a soldier gone AWOL.
I never thought wearing a wig or going 'au naturel' would be so much pressure. I don't know if its just me, but Kelly said she completely understood, so I'm guessing its not just me.
Today I went to my creative journaling class at Wellspring (awesome by the way!). I went 'au naturel' and wore an amazing bamboo fabric hat that's my new fav (my mama bought it for me!) I was quite comfortable.
Tonight I had a glass of wine and cried cause I was fed up with the "all canser no fun" week. I've been all over the map the last few days lol
So I sent out an SOS to some friends and an outing is in the works...I will wear the wig and get all gussied up and just be another person in the crowd. I"m not trying to hide my journey - but its nice to hang up the boxing gloves for just a few hours. Although I'm not really hanging up the gloves - by living my life I'm sending a message to canser that it's not going to stop me from enjoying the things I did pre-diagnosis. I'm kinda saying "watch me".
I'm still of 2 minds about the wig....but my hair is still falling out, so I'll have my bald head for a while yet. Lots of time to find my inner GI Jane hotness...
Thursday 29 May 2014
Wednesday 28 May 2014
Meet Ms Vain Diva canser Pants In My Wig Debut...
May 28, 2014
(Photos courtesy of my very talented sister in law Andrea Stewart....)
Tuesday 27 May 2014
My Killer Ta Ta's
May 27, 2014
Well it's working....
The chemo I mean :)
No, I haven't gotten "official" word from the docs. But if they can put a measuring tape to my breast to get an idea of the size of the lump prior to chemo (granted it was huge) then I sure as hell can feel the lump myself and decide if its smaller or not.
And yup, Phil double checked and we both concur - the lump is significantly smaller...*Happy Dance*
When I met with my oncologist prior to my 1st chemo treatment, they told me "you should be able to feel it (the lump) shrinking as the chemo treatment progresses".
Gulp.
What if I didn't? How long till you should notice a change? I was too scared to ask so I never did.
Since my diagnosis I was (am) doing (dreaded) regular breast checks on both sides. If I missed the boat the first time around so much so that it progressed to 2 of my lymph nodes I was NOT going to miss any changes (good or bad) moving forward.
I don't know what is worse...doing the checks on my left, canser free breast with bated breath, afraid I'll find a lump, or doing the checks in my seemingly canser infused right breast , scared the lump would soon consume my whole breast.
About a week or maybe two after my 1st chemo treatment I thought I started to notice a change in the lump. I think I did 50 checks that day lol. Hope is a funny thing on this journey - it's always welcome, but I was worried it was false hope. However, I was 150% positive at least that the lump had not grown. Considering pre-chemo it grew from under 5cm to just over 5 cm in a week (and thus bumping my "stage" from a late stage 2 to a "clinical" stage 3), the idea that 2 weeks had passed and it hadn't grown was HUGE.
When I first discovered the lump back on St Patrick's weekend, it was the size of a small ping pong ball. Pre-chemo, it was almost like a small baseball.
It terrified me.
Not all of that was "the lump". Some of my tissue around it had thickened so it was a bit deceiving. But still, the change (for the worse) was noticeable.
When I laid down on my back, you could see what looked like the side of a tangerine near the bottom of my breast.
Not good!! And scary as hell.
But then within 2 weeks of chemo I noticed those changes. Less oblong, more round. More movement (as opposed to when it was huge and could move a little but was restricted due to its size)
The other day (after round 2 of chemo) I laid on my back - and NO VISUAL SIGN OF THE LUMP! I also have to search for it now to find it!! I think its nearing it's original size. In four weeks that's huge for me! I have no idea if that's normal.
Deep, deep down I had the tiniest of fears...what if it doesn't respond? The thought was always banished the moment it made it's appearance, but it was still there...
But the canser is responding to my chemo!!!!!
HUGE SILVER LINING!!
And hopefully they will use something more accurate (and scientific) than a tape measure at my next oncology appointment to confirm my findings...although it sure would be funny to see them try to measure it that way now lol.
Well it's working....
The chemo I mean :)
No, I haven't gotten "official" word from the docs. But if they can put a measuring tape to my breast to get an idea of the size of the lump prior to chemo (granted it was huge) then I sure as hell can feel the lump myself and decide if its smaller or not.
And yup, Phil double checked and we both concur - the lump is significantly smaller...*Happy Dance*
When I met with my oncologist prior to my 1st chemo treatment, they told me "you should be able to feel it (the lump) shrinking as the chemo treatment progresses".
Gulp.
What if I didn't? How long till you should notice a change? I was too scared to ask so I never did.
Since my diagnosis I was (am) doing (dreaded) regular breast checks on both sides. If I missed the boat the first time around so much so that it progressed to 2 of my lymph nodes I was NOT going to miss any changes (good or bad) moving forward.
I don't know what is worse...doing the checks on my left, canser free breast with bated breath, afraid I'll find a lump, or doing the checks in my seemingly canser infused right breast , scared the lump would soon consume my whole breast.
About a week or maybe two after my 1st chemo treatment I thought I started to notice a change in the lump. I think I did 50 checks that day lol. Hope is a funny thing on this journey - it's always welcome, but I was worried it was false hope. However, I was 150% positive at least that the lump had not grown. Considering pre-chemo it grew from under 5cm to just over 5 cm in a week (and thus bumping my "stage" from a late stage 2 to a "clinical" stage 3), the idea that 2 weeks had passed and it hadn't grown was HUGE.
When I first discovered the lump back on St Patrick's weekend, it was the size of a small ping pong ball. Pre-chemo, it was almost like a small baseball.
It terrified me.
Not all of that was "the lump". Some of my tissue around it had thickened so it was a bit deceiving. But still, the change (for the worse) was noticeable.
When I laid down on my back, you could see what looked like the side of a tangerine near the bottom of my breast.
Not good!! And scary as hell.
But then within 2 weeks of chemo I noticed those changes. Less oblong, more round. More movement (as opposed to when it was huge and could move a little but was restricted due to its size)
The other day (after round 2 of chemo) I laid on my back - and NO VISUAL SIGN OF THE LUMP! I also have to search for it now to find it!! I think its nearing it's original size. In four weeks that's huge for me! I have no idea if that's normal.
Deep, deep down I had the tiniest of fears...what if it doesn't respond? The thought was always banished the moment it made it's appearance, but it was still there...
But the canser is responding to my chemo!!!!!
HUGE SILVER LINING!!
And hopefully they will use something more accurate (and scientific) than a tape measure at my next oncology appointment to confirm my findings...although it sure would be funny to see them try to measure it that way now lol.
Sunday 25 May 2014
The Infamous, Fabulous Kelly
May 25, 2014
What a great afternoon. Just got back from Kelly's head shave Fundraiser at Ceili's Pub. She and 6 of her BFF's (all young and beautiful by the way) raised money for Breast Cancer Supportive Care Center. They raised over $30, 000!
IN A MONTH!!!
Holy cow am I lucky to have her in my (canser) camp - that is commitment and determination on an epic scale!! Canser won't know what hit it.
I was a bit emotional when I got there. I shaved my head in the quiet of my own home. Just me, Phil and the kids. Phil was my barber. I wondered how she was feeling and hoped that shaving it in front of a crowd at a pub wouldn't be too much for her.
When I got there and saw the hundreds of people at the sold out event, my anxiety for her raised a few levels.
No matter how much you say "its just hair", when you have to shave it, it's emotional. There's emotional in your own bathroom, then there's emotional in front of a standing room only crowd lol.
But knowing what little I do so far about Kelly, I shouldn't have ever worried.
Kelly is compassionate, funny and strength personified. In my bad moments, she is my sanity when I feel lost and alone. Everyone there, was there for her. The other 6 courageous, beautiful ladies shaving their heads in solidarity were doing it with her, for her.
Hell when I first got there with Ethan (Phil & Emmy were meeting us there after a bday party) I had so many people ask "are you Cindy?" (guess my bald head gave me away since I was the only bald lady at that point) and I was hugged by 5 different people I never met.
How could I be worried these people would make it worse for Kelly??
They shaved all 7 heads. I teared up when Kelly was done - she was now part of the bald club and I wish she didn't have to be.
But wow was she glowing (they did give em each a shot right before...lol) Honestly though she looks fabulous so I hope that is some consolation in the next few days as she adjusts to her new do. That and knowing that "getting ready" takes way less time lol Although the biggest consolation is knowing she has 6 others in her circle that look just like her.
All beautiful, bald babes!
After the shave there was a call out to anyone else who wanted to shave their heads. A bunch of people and KIDS stepped up!
So pretty soon I was just one bald head in what felt like a sea of many. It was a great feeling. (and did I mention there was a firetruck there...with firemen?...enough said...)
I had many people clap me on my back as I walked by and say "Congrats, good on ya!!". I smiled at the inside joke (they didn't know I also have canser...) but it was nice to just be one of many. I had to explain to the bartender though - I couldn't take credit when i was gonna lose my hair anyways. Turns out he had been through chemo twice when he was younger! He ended up buying my 2 beers for me. I left a little speechless.
People are amazing. Like really, truly amazing.
But Kelly was at the centre of it, so I shouldn't have been surprised.
So here's to you Kelly. Thank you for being a part of my journey, and allowing me to be a part of yours.
xoxo
(I promise I'll get back to the funny in canser and away from the sappy in future posts lol)
IN A MONTH!!!
Holy cow am I lucky to have her in my (canser) camp - that is commitment and determination on an epic scale!! Canser won't know what hit it.
I was a bit emotional when I got there. I shaved my head in the quiet of my own home. Just me, Phil and the kids. Phil was my barber. I wondered how she was feeling and hoped that shaving it in front of a crowd at a pub wouldn't be too much for her.
When I got there and saw the hundreds of people at the sold out event, my anxiety for her raised a few levels.
But knowing what little I do so far about Kelly, I shouldn't have ever worried.
Kelly is compassionate, funny and strength personified. In my bad moments, she is my sanity when I feel lost and alone. Everyone there, was there for her. The other 6 courageous, beautiful ladies shaving their heads in solidarity were doing it with her, for her.
Hell when I first got there with Ethan (Phil & Emmy were meeting us there after a bday party) I had so many people ask "are you Cindy?" (guess my bald head gave me away since I was the only bald lady at that point) and I was hugged by 5 different people I never met.
How could I be worried these people would make it worse for Kelly??
They shaved all 7 heads. I teared up when Kelly was done - she was now part of the bald club and I wish she didn't have to be.
All beautiful, bald babes!
After the shave there was a call out to anyone else who wanted to shave their heads. A bunch of people and KIDS stepped up!
So pretty soon I was just one bald head in what felt like a sea of many. It was a great feeling. (and did I mention there was a firetruck there...with firemen?...enough said...)
I had many people clap me on my back as I walked by and say "Congrats, good on ya!!". I smiled at the inside joke (they didn't know I also have canser...) but it was nice to just be one of many. I had to explain to the bartender though - I couldn't take credit when i was gonna lose my hair anyways. Turns out he had been through chemo twice when he was younger! He ended up buying my 2 beers for me. I left a little speechless.
People are amazing. Like really, truly amazing.
But Kelly was at the centre of it, so I shouldn't have been surprised.
xoxo
(I promise I'll get back to the funny in canser and away from the sappy in future posts lol)
This video was put together by Kelly's friend Mandi Connolley. Get out your Kleenex and get ready to be inspired.
The Mall
May 24, 2014
Maybe I shouldn't go to the mall unattended...No, I didn't go crazy on retail therapy. (well, ok I spent $130 on some skirts from GAP of all places but it was for 4 skirts and I'll probably wear them all summer long...so that's not really considered a "spending spree"...)
But I did leave blubbering like a baby...No not cause anyone stared. Or pointed. Or threw stones...
Because I was humbled.
I walked in the mall and first thing I see is a bunch of stationary bikes, and people going like crazy on them. I wondered if it was some kind of fitness challenge, or maybe a new gym or spin class advertising.
Then I caught the word "cancer". Better yet, "Ride to END Cancer". Immediate lump in my throat. At first it felt like my Guardian Angel's way to calm the nervousness of my first solo trip to the mall as Cindo The Bald. Or Cindo The Sick. I watched for a few minutes from up above suddenly completely comfortable in my own skin. Now if anyone looked at me, I kinda thought it might be more in solidarity than freakishness.
I carried on and went shopping. I even managed to forget I was bald in my shopping glory lol.
On my way out I grabbed a Jugo Juice and snack wrap and decided to sit by the bikers. At least I wouldn't look strange there. People might even assume I had a loved one participating.
And that's when it happened. As I was watching these complete strangers bike their hearts out to raise money for a disease I am battling, I thought "they are biking for me". Not just me, I know, but I am one of the millions of people they are biking for. And my eyes watered. And I felt this intense need to thank the bikers. So I went over and made a donation. The lady taking the donation asked "Are you participating?". I smiled and thought "sorta" but said "no, battling" and pointed to my head. I continued to tell her how I was nervous for my bald debut (solo) and my voice cracked when I got to the "and then I saw you guys...." Tears fell and I thanked her. Then I started to go by each biker and thank them. I only made it through half before I was blubbering like an idiot and decided to leave before I traumatised anyone one (or had mall police cart me away!!)
Although I got myself under control as I went up the escalator, tears continued to fall all the way to the truck. Tears of gratitude for strangers who may never know how much of an impact they made on me today.
Today will stay with me on the rough days. It will stay with me on the good days. But most importantly it will stay with me through to my healthy days as a reminder what strangers did for me.
And as a reminder that my time will come to Pay It Forward.
Maybe I shouldn't go to the mall unattended...No, I didn't go crazy on retail therapy. (well, ok I spent $130 on some skirts from GAP of all places but it was for 4 skirts and I'll probably wear them all summer long...so that's not really considered a "spending spree"...)
But I did leave blubbering like a baby...No not cause anyone stared. Or pointed. Or threw stones...
Because I was humbled.
I walked in the mall and first thing I see is a bunch of stationary bikes, and people going like crazy on them. I wondered if it was some kind of fitness challenge, or maybe a new gym or spin class advertising.
Then I caught the word "cancer". Better yet, "Ride to END Cancer". Immediate lump in my throat. At first it felt like my Guardian Angel's way to calm the nervousness of my first solo trip to the mall as Cindo The Bald. Or Cindo The Sick. I watched for a few minutes from up above suddenly completely comfortable in my own skin. Now if anyone looked at me, I kinda thought it might be more in solidarity than freakishness.
I carried on and went shopping. I even managed to forget I was bald in my shopping glory lol.
On my way out I grabbed a Jugo Juice and snack wrap and decided to sit by the bikers. At least I wouldn't look strange there. People might even assume I had a loved one participating.
Although I got myself under control as I went up the escalator, tears continued to fall all the way to the truck. Tears of gratitude for strangers who may never know how much of an impact they made on me today.
Today will stay with me on the rough days. It will stay with me on the good days. But most importantly it will stay with me through to my healthy days as a reminder what strangers did for me.
And as a reminder that my time will come to Pay It Forward.
Friday 23 May 2014
2 Down, 6 More To Go...
May 23, 2014
Well, I made a rookie mistake on our way home from chemo on Tues.
Wasn't feeling too bad so we decided to stop by BP's for supper cause they have a glutenwise menu. Kids were having a sleepover at our amazing dayhome (kids talked about that more than camping lol) so there was no rush to get home. I had been craving a veggie pizza all day (oh boy I've come to the dark side...craving veggie pizza???) I ordered the one on gluten free crust. It has green and red peppers, mushrooms, spinach and a bit of shrimp. And to treat myself, I ordered the cactus cut potatoes.
Ug....that'll teach me.
Within half hour of eating most of the cactus cut potatoes and a couple small pieces of the pizza I was feeling nauseous. We got to Sobeys near our house, and Phil went to get some groceries while I walked home, hoping the short walk and fresh air would help. But it didn't (although it didn't make it worse either)
I don't remember much of the rest of that night, but I believe I spent most of it on the couch and in bed.
I slept most of that night but was nauseous all night long. Even the pills didn't help. (I'm on one less pill by the way - that super strong one they told me not to take anymore - I think I almost gave the chemo line nurse a heart attack when I told her I had pressure on my chest for the 3 days I took it...oops...)
Unfortunately the nausea didn't go away. I was in rough shape all day Wednesday. Didn't throw up, but kinda wished I could've if that might've helped...
Tried what I could. Walked Daisy with my Mom for like 20 or 30 minutes. That helped a bit. Had butternut squash soup (thanks for the tip Kimmy) and that helped alot. Think that might become a staple "chemo week" soup around here. Was organic, and although had some cream in it, that was organic too. I've found soups in general during chemo week extremely palatable and easy on the stomach. Thank God cause they are easy to make.
Smoothies too have been great - even if mine all look like sludge lol. I should probably start adding protein powder to them though to make sure my iron and protein intake is up. We picked up some gluten-free/vegan/dairy free ones from a health food store. I'll give it a go later today and see what its like. Can't be any worse than when you add beets to a smoothie (tastes like dirt in my opinion...)
As for the "big cut" this week, I'm generally happy with my bald head. Waking up without hair on my pillow and not being afraid to shower are huge mental reliefs. The hair being gone is nothing compared to the process of losing it. That was awful. Like really, really awful...
But I still have my moments. Like looking back to when I was "healthy" with my long hair in pictures. Or when I was feeling so rotten Wednesday and in an extreme moment of self pity crying cause on top of everything I was bald too lol. Makes me smile now cause it seems so irrelevant but at the moment it was what broke me. This journey sure is a roller coaster.
Thankfully the kids seem to like my bald head. Emmy tells me multiple times a day "Mom, I kinda like your bald head". That makes it easier. Ethan loves me no matter what I look like (so does Emmy, I know, but I can do no wrong yet in Ethan's eyes lol) Although we told Ethan he was due for a trim and he was very against any kind of cut...that could be cause Phil let Emmy shave his head the other night. Now both kids won't go near a hairdresser lol
My Mom and Phil have handled me gently the last few days, for which I am so thankful. I don't think I could have handled 'tough love' this week.
When I think back to the last few days, I'm happy I got outta bed, showered and got out for a walk. Cause what I really wanted to do was curl into a ball and stay like that all day long. But that would've felt like giving up. I need to keep up the fighting spirit even when I don't want to. So I'm kinda proud of myself , though I know it doesn't sound like much.
Yesterday I felt much better compared to the day before. I asked Phil to take the kids to dayhome cause I wasn't feeling great. But I got up and showered again. Made my smoothie. Took Daisy for a 20 min walk. Then had some chicken noodle soup. I had 2 classes at Wellspring yesterday, but I had to listen to my body and not go. Mentally that was a challenge. Felt like I was taking the easy way out. But going up there and getting nauseous cause it's too much would not have done anyone any good. And it's a 30-45 min drive, so that would not have been a fun ride home.
So I decided I needed to be gentle on myself. That is hard for me. But it's important for my recovery, so I will try.
Today I am thankful I listened to my body. I feel even better and am only a little nauseous (which I can manage with food and water) After my Daisy walk today, I feel in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I'm going to go out with my mom and treat myself to a Jugo juice veggie juice ..ok treat may not be the right word...but at least I don't have to make it myself lol
Well, I made a rookie mistake on our way home from chemo on Tues.
Wasn't feeling too bad so we decided to stop by BP's for supper cause they have a glutenwise menu. Kids were having a sleepover at our amazing dayhome (kids talked about that more than camping lol) so there was no rush to get home. I had been craving a veggie pizza all day (oh boy I've come to the dark side...craving veggie pizza???) I ordered the one on gluten free crust. It has green and red peppers, mushrooms, spinach and a bit of shrimp. And to treat myself, I ordered the cactus cut potatoes.
Ug....that'll teach me.
Within half hour of eating most of the cactus cut potatoes and a couple small pieces of the pizza I was feeling nauseous. We got to Sobeys near our house, and Phil went to get some groceries while I walked home, hoping the short walk and fresh air would help. But it didn't (although it didn't make it worse either)
I don't remember much of the rest of that night, but I believe I spent most of it on the couch and in bed.
I slept most of that night but was nauseous all night long. Even the pills didn't help. (I'm on one less pill by the way - that super strong one they told me not to take anymore - I think I almost gave the chemo line nurse a heart attack when I told her I had pressure on my chest for the 3 days I took it...oops...)
Unfortunately the nausea didn't go away. I was in rough shape all day Wednesday. Didn't throw up, but kinda wished I could've if that might've helped...
Tried what I could. Walked Daisy with my Mom for like 20 or 30 minutes. That helped a bit. Had butternut squash soup (thanks for the tip Kimmy) and that helped alot. Think that might become a staple "chemo week" soup around here. Was organic, and although had some cream in it, that was organic too. I've found soups in general during chemo week extremely palatable and easy on the stomach. Thank God cause they are easy to make.
Smoothies too have been great - even if mine all look like sludge lol. I should probably start adding protein powder to them though to make sure my iron and protein intake is up. We picked up some gluten-free/vegan/dairy free ones from a health food store. I'll give it a go later today and see what its like. Can't be any worse than when you add beets to a smoothie (tastes like dirt in my opinion...)
As for the "big cut" this week, I'm generally happy with my bald head. Waking up without hair on my pillow and not being afraid to shower are huge mental reliefs. The hair being gone is nothing compared to the process of losing it. That was awful. Like really, really awful...
But I still have my moments. Like looking back to when I was "healthy" with my long hair in pictures. Or when I was feeling so rotten Wednesday and in an extreme moment of self pity crying cause on top of everything I was bald too lol. Makes me smile now cause it seems so irrelevant but at the moment it was what broke me. This journey sure is a roller coaster.
Thankfully the kids seem to like my bald head. Emmy tells me multiple times a day "Mom, I kinda like your bald head". That makes it easier. Ethan loves me no matter what I look like (so does Emmy, I know, but I can do no wrong yet in Ethan's eyes lol) Although we told Ethan he was due for a trim and he was very against any kind of cut...that could be cause Phil let Emmy shave his head the other night. Now both kids won't go near a hairdresser lol
My Mom and Phil have handled me gently the last few days, for which I am so thankful. I don't think I could have handled 'tough love' this week.
When I think back to the last few days, I'm happy I got outta bed, showered and got out for a walk. Cause what I really wanted to do was curl into a ball and stay like that all day long. But that would've felt like giving up. I need to keep up the fighting spirit even when I don't want to. So I'm kinda proud of myself , though I know it doesn't sound like much.
Yesterday I felt much better compared to the day before. I asked Phil to take the kids to dayhome cause I wasn't feeling great. But I got up and showered again. Made my smoothie. Took Daisy for a 20 min walk. Then had some chicken noodle soup. I had 2 classes at Wellspring yesterday, but I had to listen to my body and not go. Mentally that was a challenge. Felt like I was taking the easy way out. But going up there and getting nauseous cause it's too much would not have done anyone any good. And it's a 30-45 min drive, so that would not have been a fun ride home.
So I decided I needed to be gentle on myself. That is hard for me. But it's important for my recovery, so I will try.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
It Can't Rain All The Time
May 18, 2014
Anger is a funny thing. Not like funny 'Ha Ha', more like funny 'Boo Hoo'. The few times I've cried since diagnosis have usually been in frustration or anger, which for Ms Diva canser Pants manifests itself in tears...
Oh joy! (Double joy for those in my inner circle who get to witness it...)
This weekend was no exception. I was so excited to camp. Got a few raised eyebrows (which by the way is like saying "oh you're not going to make your own coffin and lie in it till The End comes? Interesting..."). But I was damned if I was going to let Alberta weather or ridiculous opinions stop me.
'Hell hath no fury like a fiery woman diagnosed with canser being told she 'can't' or 'shouldn't' do something (esp if her name is Cindo).'
The weather improved the closer the weekend got. I think I did a happy dance every time the mm of expected rain decreased.
We drove out under a gorgeous Alberta Sky. Weather held out (as you can see from pics from previous post) till late this afternoon (Sunday). Then a black sky rolled in and the rain poured down. And hail. And brimstone....ok just kidding about the last part but ya it came down pretty good. Then it moved on. We even had a few blue patches of sky.
Up to this point I was quite happy with myself. I kept warm. Had three Guinness between the 2 first nights (ya - I know - hard core...jeeze what am I 80??) Made sure not to "go" the whole time. Although each day the hair shedding has gotten more...intense. And annoying. And a wee bit frustrating...(oh uh) Like seriously, who needs bread crumbs to find me, just follow my trail of hair...
But all the good of the weekend was outshining my progressive hair 'situation' (which by the way, you still can't tell by looking at it)
And then that damn storm had to leave a damp, breezy evening in its wake. Oh and almost everyone I'm camping with this weekend is sick, so I was hesitant to go in the other two trailers (family with coughs in the outdoors is fine, but indoors - now we're getting into "nervous" territory when I have chemo in a couple of days...)
Also cause we were on a waitlist for the campsites, we were on the other side of the campground from where my inlaws were staying. And because everyone was sick, only Andrea and my Mom In Law could come in my trailer...
Maybe you see where I'm going with this...
So we made our way (after the storm) to my in laws spot with the 2 trailers I couldn't go into (ha I called them 'Sick Bay'). Phil got a fire going for me. Kids played. All adults got dinner ready (except me - I was desperately trying to get warm by the fire). No one would let me lift a finger - but I couldn't get warm. My frustration (with myself) was mounting. Phil and Andrea even went back to our trailer to pick up some stuff we forgot so I didn't have to leave the fire. Still my fingers were ice cold. Oh and my runny nose from a few days ago is now red and raw. So I was also contending with that while trying so hard to warm up.
And that's when I started to spiral emotionally. After having two great nights, I was finally being made to feel 'sick' by this f---ing disease. I couldn't get warm. And my only option was leaving the very people I wanted to be around to go back - solo - to my trailer, or risk catching a chill, getting more sick and possibly delay the chemo cause of it, or worse have to go to the hospital cause it developed into a fever...
I felt defeated. My eyes watered. The lump in my breast felt magnified by the lump in my throat.
Here everyone was bending over backwards to make sure I had a good, comfortable weekend, and what do I do?
Walk with my tail between my legs back to my trailer.
It was too much.
I cried all the way back (and still left a trail of hair I'm sure - there aren't any cattails along the path but there might be Cindo tails...)
Andrea, who wouldn't take no for an answer, walked me back. She just quietly let me cry. And cry I did.
My kids couldn't have a sleepover in my inlaws trailer (cause inlaws were sick): My Fault
My nephews couldn't come into my trailer (cause they were sick): My Fault
Having everyone cook dinner and order more wood cause I needed bigger fire to keep warm: My Fault
Likely worrying Phil and his family cause I was alone (and crying - ug): My Fault.
And why go easy on myself now?Oh no, still my thoughts spiralled:
It's only been 1 1/2 months into this fight. How am I gonna hack the really tough stuff if I can't handle a camping weekend?
Why do we do this to ourselves? I was surrounded by people who love me, but felt completely alone. And guilty as hell.
And then Andrea opened her mouth and my whole perspective changed:
"So what if you spend one night in the trailer? You came out and had two good nights - you didn't just give up and not bother trying to come out at all."
Oh. Well. Yes, she had a point. Then she left. I ate. I wrote. Then a while later I looked up and saw Ryder (nephew) and Ethan running towards the trailer. And my heart filled up. I don't know why - they weren't doing anything but running to the trailer, but the sight made me happy. And the sadness & frustration passed. Kinda like the storm.
Tomorrow's a new day. We pack up from camp. I have my pre-chemo blood work to get.
Oh, and I'm going to shave my head (if I have any hair left...)
My Inner Ninja should be in all her glory and hopefully her 'badass' self will stick around while I adjust to my new 'badass' look. The only cry coming out of me should be a battle cry.
Round 2 here I come.
Anger is a funny thing. Not like funny 'Ha Ha', more like funny 'Boo Hoo'. The few times I've cried since diagnosis have usually been in frustration or anger, which for Ms Diva canser Pants manifests itself in tears...
Oh joy! (Double joy for those in my inner circle who get to witness it...)
This weekend was no exception. I was so excited to camp. Got a few raised eyebrows (which by the way is like saying "oh you're not going to make your own coffin and lie in it till The End comes? Interesting..."). But I was damned if I was going to let Alberta weather or ridiculous opinions stop me.
'Hell hath no fury like a fiery woman diagnosed with canser being told she 'can't' or 'shouldn't' do something (esp if her name is Cindo).'
The weather improved the closer the weekend got. I think I did a happy dance every time the mm of expected rain decreased.
Up to this point I was quite happy with myself. I kept warm. Had three Guinness between the 2 first nights (ya - I know - hard core...jeeze what am I 80??) Made sure not to "go" the whole time. Although each day the hair shedding has gotten more...intense. And annoying. And a wee bit frustrating...(oh uh) Like seriously, who needs bread crumbs to find me, just follow my trail of hair...
But all the good of the weekend was outshining my progressive hair 'situation' (which by the way, you still can't tell by looking at it)
Also cause we were on a waitlist for the campsites, we were on the other side of the campground from where my inlaws were staying. And because everyone was sick, only Andrea and my Mom In Law could come in my trailer...
Maybe you see where I'm going with this...
So we made our way (after the storm) to my in laws spot with the 2 trailers I couldn't go into (ha I called them 'Sick Bay'). Phil got a fire going for me. Kids played. All adults got dinner ready (except me - I was desperately trying to get warm by the fire). No one would let me lift a finger - but I couldn't get warm. My frustration (with myself) was mounting. Phil and Andrea even went back to our trailer to pick up some stuff we forgot so I didn't have to leave the fire. Still my fingers were ice cold. Oh and my runny nose from a few days ago is now red and raw. So I was also contending with that while trying so hard to warm up.
I felt defeated. My eyes watered. The lump in my breast felt magnified by the lump in my throat.
Here everyone was bending over backwards to make sure I had a good, comfortable weekend, and what do I do?
Walk with my tail between my legs back to my trailer.
It was too much.
I cried all the way back (and still left a trail of hair I'm sure - there aren't any cattails along the path but there might be Cindo tails...)
Andrea, who wouldn't take no for an answer, walked me back. She just quietly let me cry. And cry I did.
My kids couldn't have a sleepover in my inlaws trailer (cause inlaws were sick): My Fault
My nephews couldn't come into my trailer (cause they were sick): My Fault
Having everyone cook dinner and order more wood cause I needed bigger fire to keep warm: My Fault
Likely worrying Phil and his family cause I was alone (and crying - ug): My Fault.
And why go easy on myself now?Oh no, still my thoughts spiralled:
It's only been 1 1/2 months into this fight. How am I gonna hack the really tough stuff if I can't handle a camping weekend?
And then Andrea opened her mouth and my whole perspective changed:
"So what if you spend one night in the trailer? You came out and had two good nights - you didn't just give up and not bother trying to come out at all."
Oh. Well. Yes, she had a point. Then she left. I ate. I wrote. Then a while later I looked up and saw Ryder (nephew) and Ethan running towards the trailer. And my heart filled up. I don't know why - they weren't doing anything but running to the trailer, but the sight made me happy. And the sadness & frustration passed. Kinda like the storm.
Tomorrow's a new day. We pack up from camp. I have my pre-chemo blood work to get.
Oh, and I'm going to shave my head (if I have any hair left...)
My Inner Ninja should be in all her glory and hopefully her 'badass' self will stick around while I adjust to my new 'badass' look. The only cry coming out of me should be a battle cry.
Round 2 here I come.
The Great Outdoors
May 17, 2014
I spent the weekend before my first chemo treatment among the mountains. I'm spending the weekend before my second chemo treatment among nature via Aspen Crossing campground in the middle of the Albertan prairies.
I kinda think it should be a trend...
Maybe I'll hang some clothes by the campfire so on chemo day I can have the comforting smell of camping right with me in the chair.
By now anyone who read my previous lament about my vanity is probably wondering how anyone so intimately familiar with canser can't even spell it right. When I first got diagnosed my first emails always capitalised "Breast Cancer".
When I realised it, I stopped. Why should it be capitalised? Screw that. It was like my version of He Who Must Not Be Named for anyone (ie everyone) who has read Harry Potter. Either you don't mention the 'C' word, or you capitalise it. Psychological warfare but it made me happy to write it with a little 'c'. Putting it in it's place. Then I read the following excerpt from my Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips book and took it one step further:
"However, when writing, don't capitalise cancer. My friend Beth pointed out that I'd do that when I wrote her emails, and I realised giving it so much importance is a no-no. So does saying "My cancer". Screw that. It's the cancer. In fact, spell it wrong: canser. It gives you power over that stupid little two-syllable word."
So yes, I don't spell canser right. But it's on purpose. It doesn't deserve that much attention.
I equate it to a little kid sticking his tongue out at you when you're not looking...or maybe more appropriately a little kid who's mama bear is about to throttle her and then she sticks out her tongue as mama is about to lose it. Defiant, and a little crazy.
Screw you canser.
So sorry if it's annoying but it makes me happy so it's not going away!
Anyways, I'm sitting here in the trailer, the kids are having some quiet time and I'm looking out the window listening to all the families enjoy the outdoors. Zac Brown is singing in the background:
"Just as free...Free as we'll ever be..."
(I can't wait to see them at Big Valley this year - what a good motivator to feel good by August long weekend!!)
It's clouding over and we're probably going to get rained on tonight but I don't mind. Could use a bit of a cleanse anyways. I had a Guinness last night. It was delicious. Like Super delicious. I might have 1 or 2 more (wild woman!) tonight. Then I'm back on the wagon. I tell ya, guilty pleasures are the best pleasures lol.
I wanted to drink many but restrained myself. My drunken chips are being saved for when chemo is done. (and now I sound like a canser fighter with a drinking problem lol) Then I'm throwing a huge party and will probably get drunk. Nix that, probably get VERY drunk! The last time I got drunk was the day I found the lump. St Patrick's day weekend. And I'm done chemo around the end of Sept.
You do the math...Sigh...But now I have like five things to look forward to when chemo is done (and still time to add to the list!)
1 - My Birthday
2 - A big, fat, juicy steak
3 - The CIBC Run For the Cure with my Team (s)
4 - A pepperoni pizza (sorry Kimmy but I've been dreaming about this since Susan told me to go on Vegan diet!)
5 - A big, drunken party to celebrate first stage of fight done.
Ha, it's gonna be interesting to see what my list includes for after surgery. Then after radiation (if that happens). And then remission. But I have lots of time to dream about those lists. Maybe it'll be the same list every time lol. Pizza, steak, parties and beer - sounds like heaven to me!
My trade off is no getting drunk (and limiting booze), no red meat, and no processed meat while on chemo. Along with the (mostly) veggie diet, it's pure torture! But since I'm literally in the fight for my life, I guess it's doable - this canser thing is all about perspective ha.
Aside from family time, nature, Guinness and having some time to write (and read) there was an unexpected Silver Lining this weekend. There's a little shop here that sells all kinds of hats! Like a ton of the wide brimmed summer hats like I'm gonna need to protect my sparkling head. So I plan on buying quite a few.
Hooray for retail therapy!
I spent the weekend before my first chemo treatment among the mountains. I'm spending the weekend before my second chemo treatment among nature via Aspen Crossing campground in the middle of the Albertan prairies.
I kinda think it should be a trend...
Maybe I'll hang some clothes by the campfire so on chemo day I can have the comforting smell of camping right with me in the chair.
By now anyone who read my previous lament about my vanity is probably wondering how anyone so intimately familiar with canser can't even spell it right. When I first got diagnosed my first emails always capitalised "Breast Cancer".
When I realised it, I stopped. Why should it be capitalised? Screw that. It was like my version of He Who Must Not Be Named for anyone (ie everyone) who has read Harry Potter. Either you don't mention the 'C' word, or you capitalise it. Psychological warfare but it made me happy to write it with a little 'c'. Putting it in it's place. Then I read the following excerpt from my Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips book and took it one step further:
"However, when writing, don't capitalise cancer. My friend Beth pointed out that I'd do that when I wrote her emails, and I realised giving it so much importance is a no-no. So does saying "My cancer". Screw that. It's the cancer. In fact, spell it wrong: canser. It gives you power over that stupid little two-syllable word."
So yes, I don't spell canser right. But it's on purpose. It doesn't deserve that much attention.
I equate it to a little kid sticking his tongue out at you when you're not looking...or maybe more appropriately a little kid who's mama bear is about to throttle her and then she sticks out her tongue as mama is about to lose it. Defiant, and a little crazy.
Screw you canser.
So sorry if it's annoying but it makes me happy so it's not going away!
Anyways, I'm sitting here in the trailer, the kids are having some quiet time and I'm looking out the window listening to all the families enjoy the outdoors. Zac Brown is singing in the background:
"Just as free...Free as we'll ever be..."
(I can't wait to see them at Big Valley this year - what a good motivator to feel good by August long weekend!!)
It's clouding over and we're probably going to get rained on tonight but I don't mind. Could use a bit of a cleanse anyways. I had a Guinness last night. It was delicious. Like Super delicious. I might have 1 or 2 more (wild woman!) tonight. Then I'm back on the wagon. I tell ya, guilty pleasures are the best pleasures lol.
You do the math...Sigh...But now I have like five things to look forward to when chemo is done (and still time to add to the list!)
1 - My Birthday
2 - A big, fat, juicy steak
3 - The CIBC Run For the Cure with my Team (s)
4 - A pepperoni pizza (sorry Kimmy but I've been dreaming about this since Susan told me to go on Vegan diet!)
5 - A big, drunken party to celebrate first stage of fight done.
Ha, it's gonna be interesting to see what my list includes for after surgery. Then after radiation (if that happens). And then remission. But I have lots of time to dream about those lists. Maybe it'll be the same list every time lol. Pizza, steak, parties and beer - sounds like heaven to me!
My trade off is no getting drunk (and limiting booze), no red meat, and no processed meat while on chemo. Along with the (mostly) veggie diet, it's pure torture! But since I'm literally in the fight for my life, I guess it's doable - this canser thing is all about perspective ha.
Hooray for retail therapy!
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