"Onwards and Upwards!" - Nigel Brockton

Dec 2014

So with everything going on since we did the Run For The Cure I haven't had a chance to talk about officially becoming a One Aim member of my beloved One Aim Conquer Cancer cycling team...

Yup, cycling team.....me lol. 

That is definitely a sentence I never thought I'd write...That's not even the crazy part. People who join One Aim can't join just to cycle. Oh no. You have to sign up to participate in The Ride To Conquer canser. Yes - participate.

For those who haven't read previous posts on this, it's an over 200km 'bike ride' that raises money for The Alberta canser Foundation. I've called it before a bike ride for crazy people.

I guess I'm a crazy person now. Cause I signed up for the 2015 Ride in Calgary in August.

So did Phil. The crazy train has left the building....

But I met the One Aim team at a very vulnerable point in my journey. Read the blog "The Mall" if you are curious (or haven't read it) from May 2014 when they first came into my life - before I even knew who they were.

When their teammates reached out to me via that blog post, things shifted and my life started down a path even I didn't realise at the time.

I've met some absolutely inspiring people on that team. People with hearts of gold who took in a scared (though trying to be brave) lil bald woman and supported me in ways that amazed me. One team member, Dennis, did the triathalon in Joe's Team, in my name. Then Dennis and Cam signed up to do The Run For The Cure on my team before even meeting me (in person)! Then at The Run they paced themselves with me from start to finish (they could do a 5k in their sleep). I share a love of Guinness with most of the team. Matt and Hal put my name on (Matt's) survivor flag and (Hal's) riding 'bib' for The Ride in 2014. 

They got a friend for life with that 'small' gesture. 

I was touched to tears.

Many have come to my numerous parties (to celebrate the end of each stage of treatment) and also my Fundraiser. No one thought it strange that a bald mama came to join them on a few occasions at The Last Straw pub after their Tuesday night training rides. 

Elaine is a fellow female canser survivor who has always checked in with me after reading my rough blog posts. 

And then there's Nigel. I wouldn't be surprised if  somewhere hidden in his closet there is a cape and suit. I've mentioned before he is a 2x canser survivor as well as a canser researcher. Yet he has this complete positive, optimistic, passionate drive. Where he leads, people follow. It is impossible to not be charmed by him. He's a little crazy (ha ok alot!) but he has a zest for life that is contagious. In some of my darkest moments it's been a message from Nigel that made it not seem so bad.

I could go on and on about every single team member I've been privileged to meet. 

So really, no matter how crazy it may be, how could I not join this team that have become part of my 'care' team. They helped lift the burden of canser when it was too heavy to bear. In my mind they were already 'my' team.

We chose a special time to join the team. Phil and I signed up for The Ride the week following The Run for The Cure. I had completed my 1st 5K 2 weeks after my 8th and final chemo treatment. I wanted to celebrate that achievement by committing to 'my' team and upping the ante for 2015 with a 200 plus km bike ride...

Did I mention that it's over 2 days? Ya, so like just over 100km a day...

Matt's personal story of his battle over leukemia and how he joined The Ride a few months past his treatment - when his body was still battered and broken - inspired me to run the 5K no matter what. By joining The Ride next August I hope to inspire someone else on this road. 



THERE IS LIFE AFTER cANSER.

Originally I was going to wait to join One Aim once I got the all clear and treatment was done. But after seeing what my body was capable of after The Run and all the love and support I had - I decided no matter what was going on in my life, I was going to do the 2015 Ride. Come Hell or High Water as we like to say in Calgary...

So why wait to sign up?

Phil and I each have to raise $2500. Yes, that's $5000 total in order to participate. So our links to our personal pages have been added to my blog and here:

My Link to 2015 Ride

Phil's Link to 2015 Ride

I hope the telling of my story will help to raise some funds. I will post on FB from time to time and find other ways to raise money so we reach, and hopefully surpass our goal. 

So here's to surviving. And going beyond what we think we are capable of.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better" - Maya Angelou

Dec 2, 2014

I've now been walking this canser road for 8 months. Boy does time fly. If I were pregnant, in 2 months I'd have a new baby. In 2 months maybe I'll have my life back.

If 8 months seems long to adults, it likely feels like an eternity to a child. Our kids have been coping well.

Until now.

Today was rough. I got a call from BCSC saying they had a spot open up Dec 17 for their child psychologist. I jumped at the chance.

15 minutes later I got a call from Emmy's teacher. She had received the stamp and marker from Emily but was wondering if something had happened in the last week. When I told her no, she told me Emily had marked up the school floor with a marker by her backpack. She wouldn't fess up initially, but then finally did.

I didn't know what to say. She had just brought back the marker and sorry note that morning. My anxiety got the better of me and  I saw a future of escalating issues and an unhappy child who was full of issues because of the breast canser.

Because of me. This was my fault.

I felt simultaneously sick and heartbroken.

I immediately called my mom. After our chat I decided to pick Emmy up at the bus stop and take her for lunch. I hoped she would talk to me.

Although I had no idea what I would say to her...

She was surprised to see me and even more so when I told her we were going for lunch. I asked about her day and when she wasn't forthcoming about the incident, I told her I got a call from her teacher. Her face froze.

I had her attention now.

But I felt awkward and wasn't very loquacious in guiding the conversation. I know there were a few "unacceptables" and some "I'm disappointed" in there but I felt like I was rambling. When we got to Subway and sat with our food, I turned the conversation over to her. I got the full story, which the teacher had told me, followed by a bunch of "I don't knows" when asked "why?".

My feeling of helplessness grew.

After chatting more about feelings, we finally got to the core issue.

"I'm feeling mad and sad about the breast canser. I just want you to be normal".

I blinked at her.

"Normal?".

"Ya, like back when you had hair and boobies."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Well, is there something I can do to make you feel better?"

"You could wear your wig and fake boobies all the time. Like at home and when we go out".

I think I'd make a great poker player cause my face belied none of the feelings brewing behind it.

"Well Em, I can't do that exactly, but sometimes I could wear the wig or fake boobs. But Mommy kinda likes her short hair and wearing the wig all the time wouldn't be so comfortable cause it can be hot. Mommy's also still healing from surgery, so wearing the boobs all the time would make me sore, but sometimes I can. Is there anything else that would help?".

"Sometimes your marks where your boobies were scare me a little bit. Maybe you could wear a bathing suit when you shower?".

Children call it as they see it, with complete honesty. I know that in my head, but this talk was hitting on all the insecurities I had felt since treatment - being bald, boobless and "unwomanly". Being seen as a monster. Freak. Thankfully I was moving forward enough in my acceptance of my physical changes that the only 'hurt' was that my child might be scared of me...

"Well honey, I have to wash in the shower so wearing a bathing suit isn't going to work. You'll just have to know Mommy's naked when I'm in the shower and either not come in till I'm done and dressed, or know you could see my marks if you choose to come in. But I will make extra sure I wear shirts or are covered up when I'm around you guys and when I got to bed. Would that help?"

She told me yes then changed the subject and after trying to talk more about it and not getting anywhere, I knew she was tapped out. I mentioned that although its OK to feel sad, or mad or scared, destroying stuff or doing things we aren't supposed to is not the answer. That there are consequences when we act out or misbehave. I asked her what she thought her punishment should be.

"Take all my toys out of my room?". (in the past we have removed certain items like her dollhouse etc) We decided both the toys and all her books would come out. The toys we to told her would come out for a set amount of time (a week) and the books would come out but every day she had good behaviour she could earn 1-2 books back (per day - she has over 50). We needed consequences that would set the tone that is it NOT acceptable to act out in this manner, to nip it in butt. But we felt having to earn her beloved books back was a way to encourage positive behaviour. We put the toys away so she couldn't play with them. We had no idea if this was sufficient, too harsh or too lenient but it's what we decided on and stuck to.

Instead of taking her back to our dayhome, I brought her home with me. We snuggled on the couch and watched Princess Bride. That night, Phil and Emmy had a good chat. He put it to her in a way that was much better than anything I told her. 

"I feel mad and sad too sometimes but bad behaviour is not going to make those feelings go away. Talking about it will help. You can talk to us, Aunty or Uncle, or Grammy & Gramps, or Grandma & Grandpa, or even Tia Melys (dayhome). You can call any of them anytime you want. "

He can probably understand how she's feeling more than I can. Having this disease and living with someone you love with this disease are totally different. I hoped if she didn't open up to me, in future she might to Phil. 

We had a nice bedtime. She understood having consequences to her actions and we understood she was hurting and that we needed to try harder to make sure those emotions had a constructive release. I told her tomorrow was a fresh day, a way to start over and try again.

I hope we grew a little as parents from this experience. 

And as Annie sang in the background:

"...the sun will come out tomorrow..."

"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm is all about". - Haruki Murakami

Dec 2, 2014

Well, the radiation prep was no problem. As I thought I might, I wondered what was in store for me. After about 4 weeks of rest from any active canser care, here we were back on the all too familiar road to Tom Baker. My 'focused' self was back...my only thoughts were for the the prep.

We parked and walked into the elevators to go down the basement. Radiation is kind of a freaky thing - at least to me - and I found it a bit unnerving that the radiation units are in the basement. Basements are tied to spooky childhood memories of shutting off the light and running up the stairs while feeling like "they" were chasing you. And in movies it's always bad news when the characters go to the basement to "check out that noise". Now here I was going to the bowels of the hospital to get prepped for the part of my treatment that made me the most nervous.

Thankfully it's quite well lit and looks just like the other floors of the hospital and all the docs, technicians and nurses there have the best beside manner! There are even windows on one side where you can also walk outside and have quite the view. We checked in at the front desk and were given directions on where we had to go.

"Once you get there, put your canser card in the holder on the wall, and sit in the chairs. Someone will come get you..."

Ok.

I've had a CT and a few x-rays so the CT scan wasn't worrying me....but there were those pesky tattoos....

Anyways we sat and just as she had told us, a man in scrubs came to get me and showed me where to change - from the waist up - and then told me to go back and wait till someone came to get me.

Phil held my hand as many thoughts tumbled around in my head. Bigger thoughts than just the tattoos...

How far I had come and all I had endured so far. How I was really going ahead with radiation even if it scared me. How this fear was different than chemo but similar in some ways. Wondering if I was making all the right choices and if anyone knew 100% in their heart before they started if it was right for them. How I was entering another bit of unknown...

And then the same guy came back and got me and took me to a (relatively) small room with a machine that was similar to the "needle in the boob" sentinel node biopsy machine. There was a "bed" that I had to lay on my back. They got me comfy and then because of my foggy brain I can't remember which they did first...the tattoos or the CT...For the CT scan they had me put my arms above my head (while laying down) holding onto 2 handles that were above my head. They put cushions on either side of my elbows so my arms were resting and comfortable. They they left the room to take the scan. They told me I could breath normal but to be sure to lay very still. No IV's or needles (hooray!!) so it was fine. Maybe a tiny bit of apprehension because they were taking a scan...and what if they saw something new? But that thought passed quickly and I just closed my eyes and tried to visualise I was elsewhere. Like a beach...with hard ground...that wasn't that hot lol

The tattoo part wasn't too bad. I had to get 3. I was still laying on the bed and both my arms were removed from the gown which was lowered to my waist. My arms were still above me and I saw the technician holding the needle and a small blue vile. He came towards one side where one of my drains was previously and quickly pierced the skin with his small needle and in a blink it was done. I didn't feel a thing. My skin there was still numb from surgery. It takes time for the nerve endings to regrow (and some people don't ever get all the feeling back) so hooray for slow growing nerve endings! Cause when he went to do the middle tattoo, which is about 6 inches or so above my bellybutton, I was NOT numb and although it was quick, I defiantly felt it! It made me a bit nervous for the next one, on the other side where my other drain was previously. But I didn't feel anything on that side either...

After checking me over he decided he needed to touch up the middle (sensitive!) one cause it was hard to see. Now that I was expecting 'feeling', it wasn't bad. I had marker on me too - kinda looked like Ethan got into markers while I fell asleep and drew a treasure map with a few X marks the spots ha ha. It maybe took 15 minutes total from start to finish for the CT and tattoos! They are very efficient.

Even though it was minor stuff, I was very happy to be done. Every step propels me forward. Each step counts. I was one step closer to being done treatment.

Next on the agenda was the radiation class. Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Kelly didn't go to hers and she has been faring quite well through her treatment. Would ignorance be bliss?

I was already nervous about getting radiation. What if this class scared me more? My first appointment with my radiation oncologist was sobering. It was also chemo week so I know that may have tainted what she told me. But it made me wonder if this class would be full of stats and information I didn't want to know.

I didn't share any of this with Phil. We were scheduled to go and regardless of what else they covered, they would go over skin care and side effects, which was information I needed. Not just for me, but to ensure Emmy and Ethan were prepared as well. There's lots of stuff on this road I haven't wanted to do, but I've done it anyways. This was another one of those things.

And anyways, since when has running away from your fears ever helped?

I also reminded myself that thus far, information has (mostly) been my friend. It's usually helped alleviate fears, not compound them.

So we entered the presentation room and took a seat near the front. Here we go...

And it was all good. Nothing too scary. Just went over how the treatment works, where it is and then into skin care. There's a cream called Glaxal cream that they told everyone to get. I'll have to put it on 3-4 times a day everyday till treatment is over. Nothing with perfumes etc is allowed on the skin and they recommended Dove soap to clean the area...I've never been a Dove fan so I'll pick up some unscented Rocky Mountain soap instead. And I am sure I won't like the ingredients in the Glaxal cream but everyone I know used it so for once I will just use it. I honestly wouldn't trust anything else unless someone who went through radiation in the same area as me used it and found it worked well.

The thing is your skin can redden and blister from treatment. They also talked about if you develop any "open areas" how the nurse can show you how to dress it with a Glaxal bandage...I didn't ask what "open areas" means but it sounds awful. I pictured an open, blistered wound in my mind...and quickly banished the thought.

Radiation is similar to chemo in the sense that as you go along the effects can show and worsen and they "peak" 7-10 days after your last treatment. Fatigue is big and the main side effect. Also, the skin changes mentioned above as well as skin discolouration, tenderness or irritation and peeling.

Exercise is supposed to help and the more rigorous the exercise, the more it helps. So I'll have to go in with the same mindset as chemo - no matter how tired I am, I gotta at least walk. If even the docs are saying it, then to me it's part of treatment.

As we walked out of the room, I tucked all these bits of info away in my brain. Now was not the time to focus on radiation - I wasn't starting till December 29 and we were only Dec 1. There would be plenty of time to make a plan. Today I was at my limits with info and prep work. I put all the info in a part of my brain, closed the door and locked it. The key was tucked safely away till I needed it.

Now I got to look forward to getting the kind of fake boobs that were instant and needed no surgery (or recovery...aren't those the best kind??). I was curious. And excited. Maybe Phil was too? I was wondering what it was all about so I can't imagine what was going through his mind lol.

At Compassionate Beauty we were greeted as usual and brought back to a room with a small wall full of hanging bras and another wall full of boxes...like shoe boxes. Complete with sizes! The lady looked at Phil and after we introduced ourselves said "well I think you're the first man to come with a woman for a fitting".

I wondered if maybe it was cause other women preferred another woman with them? Or maybe most men would be too shy to come? Then I was saddened by the thought that maybe some women were not confident in how they looked post surgery and would not be comfortable with their spouse seeing their prosthetic breasts?

If Phil had any reservations about coming, he said nothing to me. When I asked him about the appointment he only said "Sure, call and book it and we can go after radiation prep,  we can go on the way home from Tom Baker."

I hoped the comment of him being the first didn't make him feel bad or weird.

When I told her a bit about what I looked like before, about reconstruction and how I wanted prosthetics that would be smaller than what I was, like a 'B' or 'C' she went right into those boxes and started looking. When she found a set, she grabbed a (rather ugly) shapeless bra, that was built more like a sports bra cause it was built for comfort, and slipped the breasts in. She looked from Phil to me and asked if I wanted Phil out of the room while I changed. I smiled and thought "I guess I'm not your everyday mastectomy patient" and pulled off my shirt.

I put the bra on and when I turned and faced the mirror, I just stared at myself. The bra was awful, the size wasn't quite right, but the woman I saw gazing back at me looked whole again. I laughed with pleasure and cupped my fake boobs to feel their weight and marvelled at how real they looked. I had gotten so used to my bare chest but in an instant I was reminded of the woman I once was. I slipped on my t-shirt and in that moment I was happy for so many reasons. I realised I had truly accepted my new body. But I could also find joy in wearing just a t-shirt without a scarf and look just like a 'normal' woman. It was amazing! I'm sure the consultant thought I was narcissistic because I just kept looking in the mirror while turning this way and that. What really made my joy complete was when I removed the boobs while she got a different (and nicer!) bra and different size prosthetics and I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my slightly damaged body. I stood a little taller and for the first time truly saw the scars that run across my chest as badges of honour. I had been through the trenches, and though I didn't come out unscathed, I was still here. I loved the idea of the prosthetics, but I didn't need them.

I can't tell you how liberating that is.

When I put the prettier bra on, and put my t-shirt back on I looked critically at the image reflecting back at me.

"Maybe these are too big. They look similar to the size I had before..."

"No, they aren't" Phil piped up....When I still looked unconvinced, he added "trust me".

I laughed. Well if anyone would notice he would lol. 

The consultant tried to convince me the bra I had on was more for "when you go out for a nice evening" but compared to my Victoria's Secret and Knickers & Lace collection, this bra was just an average bra, nothing special. But it worked, and had the special pockets for the prosthetics so I was sold. I've mentioned how Phil's mom is an awesome seamstress and I'm hoping that I can go pick up a few $20 off the rack regular bras from La Senza and see if she can sew pockets in them. I do not plan on spending $80 a pop for bras I wouldn't have looked twice at before that will only be used till I get my reconstruction. Nor do I plan on wearing my new girls everyday. 

Anyways, I wore them out of the store (ha like new boots!) and I even noticed how my coat did up differently with them on! I was quite happy with my purchases. 

I had the perfect opportunity to give them a test drive that evening - I was meeting up with The Girls. The amazing women in my life that I have met while going through treatment who are also on breast canser paths themselves...There are 7 of us total and 5 of us were able to meet up for dinner at Earls! We were supposed to meet in November but the night we had chosen ended up being a freak snowstorm that made the roads icy and treacherous so we moved it to Dec 1. 

Vanessa and Ashton couldn't make it because they weren't feeling great. But the rest of us - Kelly, Samantha, Tammy, Tracy, and I - were all able to meet up, and it was a great night! I hadn't seen any of them except Kelly since my surgery (because of the infection etc) and so normally I would have just went boobless, but I felt it was a good, safe group to wear them for the first time. 

Kelly and Tracy had only met each other (and me of course) and Samantha, Tammy and I had met at the BRA event. Within minutes of meeting each other, everyone was chatting and the topics varied from chemo tips to hot flash management, to what hair products work best for the really short hair styles we will all go through. We weren't talking about canser directly,  more how to get through the rough parts. It's amazing to me when you take people on this path who either have never met or only once and put them together and see how supportive and amazing they are with each other. It really was something. These ladies have only been in my life a short while, but they already mean so much. 

When everyone was leaving I was about to throw out the idea of getting together again in the new year after Christmas craziness was done when I heard them talking about "when we get together again". So I offered up our house as a next get together...with everyone's family this time. By then only a few of us will still be doing chemo so that will make schedules a bit easier. It's something I am already looking forward to.

What a day!

Great Day To Be Alive - Travis Tritt 

(YouTube - posted by adamweishaupt81)

"The last of our human freedoms is to choose our attitude in any given circumstances". - Victor Frankl (survivor of the Nazi Death Camps)

Nov 30, 2014

So I haven't been on that shopping spree yet. I was waiting for my parents to get back from their cruise. It's not that I don't have anyone to go shopping with - I have lots of girlfriends who would love to help me do damage to my Visa. But this shopping trip will not be like any other.

I basically have a new body. That is a very strange thing to get overnight at my age (probably any age). Mentally I'm starting to be very OK with my new look. But going out shopping, though an exciting idea, is intimidating too. I need to go with someone who will be totally honest so I don't buy a bunch of stuff that does nothing for me, but also someone who will be as determined as me to find at least a few things. Who better but my mom??

Cause boy am I ever sick of button up shirts! Most of my clothes don't fit this new body right. Because I was short with big boobs and a small(ish) frame, it was all about v-necks for me.Well, now most of the v-necks are too low cut! If I wear them you can see my scars. NOT an option...

Because I was so busty, most of my t-shirts were also fitted. Was better to have them fitted then having fabric hang down from my boobs making me look bigger than I was with no shape. Well, some of those shirts  - like my chive ones - I still love, and they fit ok but without boobs it looks....strange. I look boxy and it just looks so odd to have no depth where my boobs once were. Or maybe I'm just not used to seeing nothing there...

Anyways, infinity scarves have become my new best friend while I await my mom's return. I have a blue one she bought me back in like Oct that actually works pretty good with t-shirts. It adds that "depth" that i was missing and kinda acts like my security blanket to an extent. I don't think I've left the house without it. (Although at home I don't wear scarves much, and even sometimes don't wear a shirt lol...ya, I'm getting pretty comfortable in my new skin.)

We also took most of my lingerie and all my bras and just put them aside for now. I need to go through them all at some point (well, not the bras lol) to see what still works. I put some of the bras in the hope chest Phil made when he was doing his journeyman ticket for Cabinet Making. Ha, gives whole new meaning to 'hope' 'chest' ha ha ha....I wanted them out of sight anyways. It was actually Phil's suggestion (I think cause he could see me look at them wistfully sometimes) Until I know what my reconstructed breasts will be like, I"m not getting rid of anything. I still have to go through my shirts and sweaters too but haven't had the chance...or the heart. It's a bit draining going through my clothes so I need time and the right mind frame to attempt it. And maybe wine....

Aside from having little to wear, I'm adjusting (well) to the new look. But it would still be nice to have the option of going out with boobs. So I made an appointment at Compassionate Beauty to get fitted for prosthetic boobs...Ya, I'm not too sure what it's all about either but I'll keep you posted! All I know is there are different kinds and it's not cheap. But for me it's like my wig - it's peace of mind that they are there if I need them. Cause the no boob novelty may wear off so I want to have a plan 'B' (ha or 'C').

Emily has been struggling with my lack of breasts. She doesn't like my scars but still asks to see them. This is the kind of thing I want to talk to the child psychologist about. She's asking some pretty detailed questions like "what tools did they use to chop your boobies off" (I still cringe when she says it that way). How can I answer her when I don't even know?? Why is my 5 1/2 year old asking me this kind of stuff? 

I'm a little worried about her to be honest...This week I found a library stamp in her bag. The kind they use to stamp due dates in books. She took it and brought it home from school. We had a chat about stealing and taking (and touching) things that don't belong to us. I told her she had to give it back otherwise we'd have to tell her teacher she took it. Kinda like a "get out of jail free card". She's never done anything like this before. So she brought it back.  Case closed...

Then on the weekend, we found some of her stuff marked up with black marker. Like her Frozen backpack. Her winter boots...So we decided to take her Frozen backpack away from her and give her just a plain one we had. We talked about taking care of our things and how if we destroy our things then maybe we are not old enough to have them. We told her it would be gone till after Christmas and maybe then she could get it back if she could show us she can take good care of her stuff (there were only a couple weeks left of school).

Then we found some toys marked up (next day). And a stuffie. My concern grew. We asked her to find the marker and give it to us (it was hidden in her room). The one she gave us is not from here. She took it from school. So we took her dollhouse out of her room as punishment and told her she'd have to earn it back with good behaviour. We also had her write an apology note to her teacher for taking the marker without asking.  We asked her repeatedly what was wrong or why she did it. But no answer. Just "I don't know". We want to nip this in the butt before more stuff comes home. I don't want the teachers to think she's a bad kid either,  this is not like her. But it's not acceptable behaviour, and she does know better.

At the same time there are seeds of doubt creeping in. Are we handling this right? What's going on in her lil head? This is the hard part. My heart wasn't in punishing her but she marked up alot of stuff - like 6 or 7 different things/spots. And it was after the whole talk about the boots and backpack. Ug. All the books and anyone you talk to says you need to keep boundaries and stay consistent - that canser does not mean there are no rules. But it's hard.

It happened to be Phil's birthday weekend as well. Thankfully we didn't find all the marked stuff till Saturday cause Friday we went to our favourite local pub - Kildare's - to meet up with Dave and friends. We had a really great time. Maybe not so much when Dave got Phil a shooter lol. But it felt like a normal, happy celebration. I like those moments of normalcy. We were just a bunch of friends enjoying some pints to celebrate. It was really nice. After all Phil's done I was happy he had a night to just relax and have a good time. I had arranged the sitter (Dave's daughter) and made the plan weeks prior. Although I honoured his request to not invite the whole world lol...If it had been up to me it would have been an Event. And half of Kildare's woulda been reserved lol.

Anyways, aside from the marker issue, the weekend was a good one. We went to a neighbours bday party. Rilay turned 4 and Emily and Ethan adore him. So they were very excited to go and celebrate. And eat cake lol. That night Phil and I went for wine tasting next door at Joe and Trista's. They won the bid at my fundraiser and it was donated by my friend Keri. She did a great job! Lots of laughs and Phil actually found a red wine he liked! Great night.

We are lucky to have such awesome neighbours. We must be lucky - our neighbours from our last house are the ones who came to BVJ with us this summer and are good friends of ours. (ie you're stuck with us Joe and Trista ;)







Today was Phil's birthday. We didn't do too much. Supper at Jack Astor's with the whole family. Bit chaotic as usual with the kids lol. But nice. I know the blog is now outta whack cause I posted his tribute on his bday and this will be posted once I'm all caught up...but such is life ha. 

Tomorrow is my radiation prep. I honestly haven't had much time to think (or over think) it. I'm happy my "don't fret about it till its happening" attitude I've developed on this road is holding true. My main 'concern' if you can even call it that is if the tattoos will hurt!! I should clarify by 'tatoos' that I mean 3 or 4 dot sized permanent tattoos that help them line up the radiation machines. They will be across my torso. I'll be like Phoebe from Friends when she gets the dot sized "Earth...it's just really really small earth". Ha

I've thought a few times in my life about getting a tattoo. Like when I was in Ireland and me, Jodi and Carolyn (who were living there) thought we should get 3 matching tattoos that would mean something and remind us of our time there...but I didn't cause I was too chicken of the pain lol. I'm not a big fan of pain...which probably sounds funny after going through 8 rounds of (intense) chemo and surgery....but, there it is. I'm just a wimp. Always have been, always will be I guess!

Kelly said it didn't hurt and the whole prep was quick. She's my 'go to girl' and hasn't been wrong yet, so maybe that's why I'm not too worried about it.

Tomorrow is also the radiation class at Tom Baker, which will explain what to expect etc. And then my Compassionate Beauty appointment. By the end of the day I'll have 3-4 new tattoos and fake boobs...and it's not even a mid life crisis! Should be an interesting day lol. 

Oh and we bought a Vitamix with some of the money raised at my Fundraiser...it's AMAZING!!

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome". - Ane Bradstreet

Nov 19, 2014

Well I'm an idiot! I forgot to mention two other really important things discussed at my visit to BCSC. The first being that they have a specialised team that do breast canser follow up care. When I was asking Dr Taylor about the whole "no more oncologist" thing, and telling her how freaked out I was, she told me about this team. She said I could be followed if I chose, by this team of doctors and that they follow up on the whole person - not just the physical body. I could see a nutritionist (if I didn't already have my BFF taking care of me!!) as well as a psychologist for survivorship. There is also a course they offer that addresses survivorship issues but they only have a few spots so I put my name on the list but I won't know if I made it until they have dates settled. It's one Kelly wants to take as well. It would be amazing if we could take it together! I think the next one will start sometime in March.

The other thing discussed was my kids. Emmy & Ethan have been having a tough time since the surgery. Acting out. Ethan has even had a few nightmares. Those are definitely NOT fun. He wakes up screaming most of the time with tears flowing down his cheeks. I don't seem to be able to console him and it's heartbreaking to hold your child as they shake and cry. We have been trying to see if they are night terrors or nightmares but so far haven't been successful in figuring out which they are. Either way it sucks.

ALOT.



So I asked if BCSC had any child psychologists who could just evaluate them both to make sure they were doing OK and that me and Phil are addressing any issues the way we should be and any tips they might offer. Dr Taylor said they did but probably be into January for an appointment. Yikes. I put our name on the list.

So the specialised team I will be seeing for the next 5 years put my mind even more at ease. And knowing my kids would get looked at to make sure they were doing OK put my heart at ease.

The following Wednesday I got to finally meet with my Kinda Handsome surgeon. It was almost a month post Op and I felt relaxed and was looking forward to seeing him. Although this time I filled out my Thank You card ahead of time - expecting it to be my last visit.

I was pleasantly surprised.

First off-the first thing he asked was if I was told my results yet (pathology) from surgery. When he found out my oncologist had told me about the complete response the previous week, he was super disappointed. 

"I wanted to be the one to tell you. It's not often I get to deliver such good news".

He looked overjoyed! Which let me have another round of inner happy dancing.

Then more good news:

"So is this the last time I'll see you?"

"Nope, you're stuck with me probably till long after you're sick of me. You'll follow up with me for the next few years".

I think he made my (next) year with those words!

He said we could meet again in about 3 months to see how the plastic surgeon wait list was going. Ya, he put me on the wait list to meet a plastic surgeon for reconstruction!

"Where in the city do you live? What hospital is most convenient?"

"Wherever the best plastic surgeon lives. If you tell me he or she is in Red Deer, we'll go there".

He laughed and said there were a few really great ones and "Would he ever send you to anyone but the best?".

Do you see why he's so endearing? Although he did help to save my life, so he could probably say or do just about anything and I'd still think he was awesome lol.

The other thing he told me was I was Ok to pick up Ethan. Like literally pick Ethan up! He had been asking since surgery when I could pick him up again (I wasn't allowed to lift more than 5lbs until I got the surgeon's OK) and my heart ached every time he asked someone else in my presence to pick him up cause he'd wrap his little arms around them and give them a big ol Ethan hug that I love.  I don't know who missed it more -  me or him. I was also given the green light to get back to Zumba, as I felt up to it...All systems go!

After a Thank You hug and more blushing (him) when I mentioned my blog and my "Kinda Handsome surgeon" he asked if I would be open to him passing on my contact info for future patients that he thought could benefit from being in touch with me. I think he meant my positive attitude etc so of course I told him no problem. My oncologist nurse actually had asked me the same thing - I was touched. When my nurse navigator Edith heard he asked me that she said "wow that's not something he usually does" so it made me feel a little like I must be handling things ok - even if the odd time I've cried when up there lol.

So we left his office and I was giddy. 

He's going to follow me.

I'm not losing Team Guardian Angel. It's just changing.

I'm very good with that.

PS When I told Ethan that the doctor said I could pick him up his whole face lit up and he's asked me to pick him up at least once a day since. I in turn am grateful that I can pick him up and cherish each time he's in my arms giving me that fierce hug I have missed so much....

Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and The Waves (YouTube)