Monday 30 June 2014

"A day without Laughter is a day wasted". - Charlie Chaplin

June 29, 2014

I think Dave became the "cool" parent Friday night. All the kids had been working on a fort in the woods since they got here. They decided it would be awesome to sleep in it. For once I was glad to have kids too young to want to willingly sleep outside, on the ground with only a small tarp and a few pieces of wood to keep you dry. And did I mention the bears that were here earlier in the week?? One of the mom's, Laurie, told them "if you can convince an adult to camp with you, you can" thinking "that solved that". Except the kids asked Dave and he said "sure I"ll camp with you". 

So he spent the night in the woods. The WHOLE night. With 9 kids! In a fort they built themselves...including moss they brought for cushioning lol. He's a trooper! (we were in our warm, dry 27 foot trailer snug as bugs in rugs lol) No one got eaten by bears. Or trampled by moose. Although they did get woken up by a heard of cattle going by...I didn't see that coming...



Yesterday Phil took all the kids down a ravine to the creek. Daisy thought all her Christmases came at once cause she was off leash and in heaven. So Saturday I joined them and we went to check it out. Daisy - who's a 9 1/2 year old 80lb Rotti cross was running and bounding like a puppy. It was awesome. The kids got to be kids and play in the creek and pick their way alongside it. It made me so happy to see them enjoying it so much. Hell even I felt like a kid again. 



We just got back as the skies opened up and the rain poured down. A while later Daisy was out cold and the kids had some "quiet time". Although after an hour they were itching to get back outside.





When I was packing for this trip I got a bit overwhelmed trying to decide what to take, I guess either with canser or cause of the chemo (can't remember) you can have trouble multi-tasking and making decisions. So it's normal but when Phil got home from work I was in tears. The suitcases couldn't zip cause I just packed everything. He helped me close them and we just brought it all. So we have enough clothes for like 12 kids for two weeks.




He looked at me and said "I hate to see what you'll bring to Old Macdonald" (5 day camping trip in July). I broke into fits of giggles. Sometimes you just gotta laugh

Mandi is someone we just recently met who's a friend of Dave's. She is a really cool chick and she is vegan so I have a fellow "weird eater" on this trip. She gave me an idea for future camping - she cooked a bunch of her food before coming out. When we go to Old Macdonald this summer we have an unserviced site so I"ll have to get creative to make sure I'm eating well. Prepping meals beforehand will help immensely.

Although I brought enough clothes for an army, I forgot my runners so I made a trip back to get em on Friday. Saturday afternoon before supper I decided to go for a run. It was spitting rain a bit and you could hear distant rumbles but I figured since my run is only half an hour I'd be Ok...Wrong.

So I run up our circle towards the highway (decked out in my bright running gear...) and I can see the patches of dark clouds kinda moving in my direction. But all weekend it's just been quick showers that move along so I really wasn't too worried. I decided to run down the huge hill (ya that wasn't well thought out...) toward the day use area. That's when the rain started to come down harder. And the thunder was getting pretty loud. I started wondering if it was safe or if I was a walking lightning rod...I saw Dave and Mandi at the garbage disposal and asked if they thought it was safe. 

Dave: "Oh ya, by the time you get back you'll be fine"

Did I mention they were in a car??

So I continued for a bit but then decided to head back in case it got worse. Which it did. It's good in a way that the thunder was so loud that it was vibrating my insides or I never would have made it back up the hill. If I was looking for "cattle prod" type of motivation the thunder and fork lightning were it! I could hardly breathe when I got to the top but I made it up lol. The thunder was so loud at this point that I was getting a bit freaked out. So I ran right past our turn (into our loop) and made it all the way to the highway...Then I was all confused!! And as Garth says "the Thunder rolled". It was directly above me at this point. I turned back and starting walking towards our turn off, just as a deafaning crack of thunder ripped through the sky. I jumped a couple feet and took off running!! A car was coming up behind me just as that happened so I"m pretty sure they had a good laugh at my expense...Then the rain poured down!! I think I ran all the way back to the trailer. I was soaked to the bone by the time I got back. But I was warm from running so no chill (so don't worry Mom!). If you ever want to get your blood pumping, go for a run in the Kananaskis just as a storm is about to hit.

After drinking a full water bottle full of lemon water, and changing into dry clothes I figured after all I'd been through that I deserved some Guinness. Nigel - from the One Aim team - told a funny story the other night at the pub about Guinness and his blood counts getting set right so I ended up having 3 Guinness. Every time I felt guilty opening a can, I thought of Nigel's story. I don't think this was Nigel's intent, but I sure did enjoy those Guinness (relatively) guilt free - Thanks Nigel :)

So after a great weekend with great people I feel better going into the unknown for my next chemo. This weekend topped up my courage (as I had hoped) and when I do start to worry about it, I think of what my friend Matt went through with his treatment and it helps me to "suck it up" cause it could be so very much worse. 

So round 4 - let's go.







Sunday 29 June 2014

Sandy McNabb

June 27, 2014




There really is  something about pine trees, dirt and being in the foothills with the mountains in sight. 

The last week and a half has been emotional and incredibly healing. To find myself camping in Kananaskis once again before chemo (esp. one I'm so anxious about) is probably one of the best places I could be. I was topped up with love and now I'm re-charging - getting topped up with courage and peace of mind. And it's not just nature. We are surrounded once again by good people. 

Dave has been a mutual friend of ours - (we both knew him separately, he actually introduced us) - for as long as I can remember. We lost touch for a few years and have re-connected in the last 6 months and it's been fantastic. Being around Dave reminds me of my more carefree self, when I was young, vibrant and idealistic. Back in my student days when the world was my oyster and I intended to leave my mark. He brings out those qualities in me that I had long forgotten about and that feels good. I'm more open somehow when we're with him. And laugh more. He brings back a part of my past and memories that were really great. He's one of those friends that you can go for a long time without seeing and when you get together, it's like no time has passed. Which is funny cause when I first met Dave I wasn't overly fond of him lol. But he grew on me. And now I couldn't imagine us going through this without him.

I think he was meant to come back to us now. He lost his mom to breast canser a few years ago. Sadly it was a short but devastating fight for him and his family. So he has been a champion along the sidelines of this marathon before. I feel like part of my purpose in this fight is to give hope to Dave, Kimmy & my Mom that canser can be overcome. It's not always a sad story. It sure as hell isn't going to be the end of mine.

All the people we are camping with (like 6 other families!!)  are great too. We are so lucky to always be surrounded by top notch people. The women I told part of my story to (figured was easiest way to explain the bald head) crowded around and asked all kinds of questions. No shying away by these souls!! It was a welcome relief. It freaks some people out initially into awkward silence. I couldn't answer the questions they fired at me fast enough lol. And it hasn't come up since. Accepted just like that. Awesome :)

Tonight we are having a feast. Sliders for the meat eaters, veggie dogs for me (should be...interesting...) and then shrimp, salad, veggies and rice....I remember one of the first times me and Phil went camping. All we brought were hot dogs. Like only hot dogs. For 3 days. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Trust me, it wasn't!! I don't even think we brought any breakfast food! So we have come a LONG way since then (although I don't know if veggie dogs qualify as an improvement...)

The kids are also having a blast. We saw a skunk on our first night! Like walking through our neighbours site...it was a rare time I wished I were better at math as I tried tried to calculate how far the skunk was to us and how fast we'd have to be to get to the trailer if it decided to come visit. Being sprayed by a skunk is not on my bucket list....There were moose in the site across from us before we got here on Thursday!! And bears earlier in the week...There is also a pile of kids. From under a year to teenagers. I kinda think our pack of kids are keeping the larger wildlife at bay from returning lol. Who needs bear bells when you have 10 plus kids...our 2 kids are loving every minute. The few times they aren't on their bikes they are either playing in the woods or investigating the campground. With all of us spread over 4 sites they have lots of room to (safely) roam. Even Ethan...who never stops. And has no fear. Hmmmm maybe we should rent a site for the season lol...

Walking through the campground reminds me of my childhood spent at my grandparents shack in Mascouche (Quebec). Those were some of the best summers of my life, spent with my cousins outside. It makes me happy to think that maybe our kids will think back to these days and not remember my bald head or Mommy being "sick" but reminisce instead only of campfires, biking and outdoor adventures. That is my hope anyways. Time will tell. 

Assuming we don't get eaten by bears in the meantime...


Wednesday 25 June 2014

"Joy is a decision, a really brave one, about how you are going to respond to Life." - Wess Stafford

June 25, 2014


I don't even know where to start...

I've mentioned numerous times in the last few posts about being nervous or even dreading my next round of chemo cause it's a new drug (unknown...) and I've just heard really bad things about it.

Even on the heels of the amazing results thus far, it wasn't enough to sufficiently calm the fear of the unknown. I guess now more than ever I needed strength.


That always seems to come in the form of people. Having Kimmy out here for 6 days was the equivalent of injecting me with happy drugs. We talked. And laughed (alot). And got a (bit) screechy as we finished each others stories that we've told a million times. 

It was pure joy.

We even shed a few tears. Kimmy was with me the day after my surgeon appointment. When my decision about the double mastectomy was sinking in. And all the new fears/sadness that opened up. 


We cooked alot too. Yummy, mostly meatless food. I know, I wasn't sure that was possible - meatless and yummy in the same sentence. But I assure you Kimmy is one skilled cook. And she is a patient teacher. She made me feel like I could actually repeat the recipes - on my own. Have I mentioned I'm not what you call "domestically" inclined??? 


She also came with me to the Joe's Team Triathlon and Duathalon (so did Phil and the kids). Nigel won the duathalon!! Dennis was the other One Aimer that I know about who did the Triathlon....that's biking, running and swimming...June isn't exactly "tropical" in Calgary...you're lucky if there isn't still ice in the lakes! He told me he was dedicating the race to me. I met him for the first time after he crossed the finish line. I had tears in my eyes when I saw both of them cross the line. They wouldn't take no for an answer  when they took a pic after the race - I didn't want to intrude. After all, I didn't take part at all in the race. But they insisted so I couldn't refuse. That seems to be how the team rolls (ha!).

It was a healing, happy, real 6 days.

When she got on that plane I felt like a part of my heart went with her. But part of hers stayed with me.

Before she walked through the security doors she lent me a special Angel token. It was with her mom through her brave, hard breast canser fight. It was in the palm of her hand when she passed away. Kimmy lent it to our friend Stephane during his canser fight. The deal is you gotta get better to give it back. He gave it back when he conquered canser. Now it's with me for the duration of my fight. I had asked whatever powers that be to give me strength in the coming days. As always that call was answered. I got Kimmy and filled up on her love. Then she entrusted a piece of her to help me stay strong.

As I drove away from the airport my heart ached.


But I was on my way to a retreat at the Leighton Arts Center with Wellspring.

So I left a part of me on that plane and then walked into a place so peaceful you can't help but have a light heart. The ache lessened. I was with my new, other family. The view took my breath away. The 5 fiery older women I sat with and who seemed to take me under their wings started to fill my heart back up with love. That empty ache was even less. It sounds corny, but I don't know how else to describe it. I didn't even tell them about missing my friend. It was just healing being with them and hearing their stories and words of encouragement in my treatment.


In that company, surrounded by nature, how can you not heal your hurts? I could feel the strength filling up inside.

Then I tried Qigong for the first time. It's part meditation, part energy visualisation. It really resonated with me. More healing.

Then I chatted the next hour with a feisty, wonderful, no holds barred woman in her 60's named Sheila. I was drawn to her strength. She was given a 50/50 chance of living 5 years. It's been 7 years and she is going strong. I was in awe listening to her. You keep thinking the novelty will wear off but every story is unique and amazing in it's own way. I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing people's stories.

Then myself and a very sweet lady named Nancy had a Traditional Chinese tea ceremony. 

Wow.

The sweet, gentle, young woman who performed it was around my age. She is also a Wellspring member. She learnt it in her travels to China and performed it at the retreat as a way to give back to Wellspring. 

It was special. And unique!

The whole retreat was exactly what my soul needed after Kimmy left. I came home feeling balanced and strong. I still miss Kimmy - but the ache is replaced with the joy of the visit and the happy memories we created and reminisced about.


And then Matt - that awesome One Aim member who put my name on his flag for The Ride in Aug - told his teammates (my crazy mall Angels) that he was going to be in town the next night to meet them for drinks after their training ride. I had to meet him. Hearing his story and seeing his amazing human spirit through all he's been through, he has become my hero. He set the bar that I reference when I hit rough patches. I think of all he's been through and feel inspired to hunker down and just do what I need to do to get through it. 



Meeting Matt was like greeting an old friend. I felt the bond since his offer to put my name on his flag and it solidified upon meeting him. He is pretty laid back and quiet (ish - ha) but exudes this strength that is really something. The image that I had driving home after was that of a war vet. He's someone who's been in the trenches, seeing awful things, experiencing stuff no one should have to experience, but came out the other end with this radiating courage, strength and humanity. Guess you could say he left an impression ha.

So did the rest of the team. Nigel shared alot of his canser story. He had us all laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes! He is also one of a kind. I think he wears his heart on his sleeve and he has such a great way of looking at things. He's crazier (I mean that in a good way Nigel lol) that all of them put together but you can't help but like him and feel drawn to his leadership and wonderful sense of humour (and he drinks Guinness so that makes him A-OK in my books...). 

I talked to quite a few of the team members who were there. Matt introduced me to Elaine, Gordon and Erin when some of the team cleared out. Elaine is a 30 year canser survivor. 30 years! Without telling me anything else about her I knew I was in the company of another Great. She is sweet and funny and I was so glad Matt made the introduction (she was at the opposite end of the table) Gordon just came back from France after doing a like 800 km bike trip with war veterans (Canadians and Aussies)...forgive me but my chemo brain is preventing me from remembering what it was called...they started at Vimy Ridge and visited all the war memorials from WWI and WWII in France. He was so interesting. His wife had breast canser I believe it was 2 years ago. He volunteers to drive people who have no way to get to their canser treatment...Erin I only caught some of her story. She is an amazing rider (biker? New to this world not sure what they call themselves lol) according to her teammates. She has a best friend going through breast canser treatment who also has triple negative like me. We chatted a bit about how her friend is doing. 

I know I keep going on about them but as you hear their stories I can't help it. Any one of them would be an inspiration. And they are all on the same team...What do you call a whole team of inspiration? I call it One Aim.

"My Cup Runeth Over".

I think my future involves becoming a part of that team. That is if they will have me lol (might have to raise my "crazy level" ha ha ha).

Toward the end of the night Matt and Elaine told me about a great loss the team recently suffered. Her name was Jen and "she was larger than life". They spoke of her with such respect, love and reverence - it made me wish I could have known her. There was an aura of sadness as well as they told me about her. She left a huge void it seems (to me). How wonderful that she touched them so deeply - it was like I could feel her spirit as they spoke of her and her fight with colorectal canser . There is a documentary about her. They promised to try to get me a copy to watch. This woman was obviously one of those lights in life who shines so much brighter and brings light to other's lives. I could see it on their faces as they shared her story with me. It gave me more insight into this wonderful group of people who already mean so much to me.

So it's been an emotional week - in a good way. And now we are getting ready to retreat to the Kananaskis to once again camp before my next round of chemo. I love this trend. It will be the finishing touch in prepping me for my Wednesday dosing (Tues is a stat - even for canser lol)

I am so very happy.



Saturday 21 June 2014

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

June 21, 2014

So Wednesday was a good day. No, it was a great day. Although it was also bittersweet. 

It started out with a nice walk with my Mom and Daisy. Then my mom treated me to a Second Cup mocha - it was only half sweet but it was Divine....My taste buds were in a frenzy! I love my coffee and giving it up has been tough so when I allow myself one now and again it's heaven...Then off we went to the airport to pick up my best friend since we were 5. That's 30 years of friendship. And we're only 35!

That is not something you see often. Kimmy and I have now been apart longer than when we lived in the same town. Our friend Jo, who lives in Australia, is also part of us - the 3 of us met in kindergarten and have stayed close since. Ya, sometimes we go months without chatting. But when we get together, or call or text it's always the same - like no time passed. And there's lots of giggles, and laughs and maybe a snort or two. And God help anyone within hearing distance - which probably encompasses as far as China - cause we get kinda loud...and maybe a bit screechy when we're together. I think all 3 of our husbands probably have hearing damage from being in the vicinity of our reminiscing lol.

I love them both with all my heart.



So going to pick up Kimmy was like the icing on the cake. We've been through alot together. Kimmy's Dad passed away 12 years ago. He was 52. Heart Attack. It was awful for Kimmy's family. I was in Calgary and felt helpless. Her family has been like my 2nd family and vice versa. Her Mom beat breast canser in the 90's only to have it come back 6 years later. And she lost her long, hard fight right after Phil and I got married. That was worse. Kimmy lost both her parents and she wasn't even 30. It was a tough time (understatement). Then a few years ago her hubby Steve lost his mom suddenly. They are both such great people but have had more grief in their young lives than most people.


So I was worried when I had to tell Kimmy about my diagnosis. But although she was upset about it, she rolled with it and got me all my valuable nutrition info and has been by side (even from Toronto) every step of the way.

So at the airport I was ecstatic. When she walked through the doors, it was right into my arms. And my heart was light. Things are always better when we are together. And knowing she was coming to my surgeons appointment was an extra bonus. 

And find out my fate. 

Would it still be 8 treatments or could I just do 6? And what would surgery look like...all these thoughts and questions bounced around in my head. I was finally going to get an idea about my options. I was nervous.

So we entered and I kinda felt like a star with my entourage. The 4 of us shuffled into the little room and waited for the surgeon. It brought me back to the very first appointment on this crazy journey when I was sitting on this same bed terrified cause I had just been diagnosed a week earlier and was waiting for a surgeon.

This time though I was sitting there braver than the first time. Chemo, even just 3 rounds, will toughen anyone up. I felt almost like a different person than the first meeting. But I still had my steely resolve - that quiet strength that gets you through the scary or tough moments. And my 3 support people sitting across from me (my Mom, Phil and Kimmy).

A (different) student came in. This time my Mom and Phil didn't ask him anything lol. He asked general info. Told us tumour had reduced more than 50% (we hadn't yet heard any actual numbers) I told him I"d like to determine if we could do 6 or 8 rounds of chemo, find out what surgery options might be and timing. 

He asked if he could examine me. After a few minutes of him looking for the lump, I asked if he wanted Phil to show him where it was (ha Phil is now "lump locator specialist") Phil kinda thought he found it. Student felt same spot.

"Well, I feel a peck muscle...but...."

I laughed.

They never did find it!! So since the ultrasound on Friday it may be even less now! Then he checked my lymph nodes and couldn't feel them at all! 

If they would have had "satisfaction reviews" for medical students like they do for sales associates he would have gotten a great one from me lol.

So he left and then he and my Kinda Handsome Surgeon came in a short while later. He was just as calm and cool as I remember. Think the hero worship may be back in full swing lol.

Kinda Handsome Surgeon: "So things are going well!"
Me (grinning from ear to ear): "yes!!"

I asked him about numbers on ultrasound. He told me going into chemo the tumour was at 5.2cm. On Friday the lump was measuring 1.5cm!! Phil has since done the calculation and that is 28% of original size!!! I was thrilled. And now that the student couldn't find anything or feel lymph nodes...awesome chemo is obliterating the canser....I now think its a real possibility that when they go in for surgery I may be that "best case" of there being nothing left (no canser left) to remove which is what I've been visualising and expecting...

But its still a bit crazy!

Sadly the meeting was bittersweet. Yes, Kinda Handsome confirmed he would recommend 6 rounds of chemo. Based on the canser reaction the surgeon feels 8 is not necessary.

I asked what the research shows for more chemo vs less long term. He said that more isn't better if its not needed. Music to my ears...He said he always leaves surgery flexibility for 6 or 8 rounds. So him getting surgery time at the hospital is not a factor in my treatment. Which is amazing cause although I've been tolerating the treatment it's definitely not a walk in the park. It's a mental challenge going into each one. And physically its a process too. 2 extra rounds may not seem like much to the docs, but I was thinking "then you do 2 rounds and tell me its no big deal".

So my oncologist has final say but he seemed to just want to confirm with surgeon, so I feel confident 6 rounds it is. 

So my last chemo will be Aug 12. I had to restrain myself from doing a happy dance in the office.

Now for the bittersweet part. 

My main goal, aside from beating this canser, is to do whatever I can so it does not come back. When Surgeon asked me about my main goal, that's what I told him.

"I don't want it to come back. So let's do that".

So he said I have two options for surgery.

1. Breast conservation. that means they would take all the margins where the tumour was. So more than a lumpectomy. But not full mastectomy.

2. Full mastectomy of my right breast. That means removal of complete breast.

I asked for both options what was the chance of recurrence. He explained that with breast conservation it's 8% chance and full mastectomy is 5% chance.  Either way would be a 6 week recuperation time and an overnight stay in the hospital.

Each year moving forward adds another half percent. So as time moves on the chances increase. This is another shitty part about getting canser young. 

Then I asked him about my left canser free breast. What the chances of canser going there are. He said the stats are hard to pinpoint but about 20% of women who have had breast canser will develop another cancer in their other breast. By having a mastectomy of that one, it reduces the rate by 90% (of the 20%chance) so would lower the risk to 3-5%. If you keep in mind my age (35) and think each year moving forward could add a half percent, in 20 or 40 years that is not such a small number. I don't want to go through this again so anything I can do to lessen that chance, I will.

I then asked him what he would recommend (through all this he never mentioned his opinion) He handled this question so well. No pressure. Told me that I had to keep in mind he had different thoughts, feelings and experiences than I did (which is why I wanted his opinion) He said cause of my (young) age, how aggressive the canser is, and how big the tumour got he would recommend doing the most I felt comfortable with to reduce the future chance of it coming back.

So, if I was comfortable with double mastectomy, that's what he'd recommend. (since that would leave me with lowest chance)

He was so good. He never even brought up a double mastectomy - I was the one asking him about it. He also told me nothing was was written in stone. I don't have to decide now. And once i do decide, I can change my mind right up till the day before surgery.

Also, if I wasn't sure about a double, I could do the right side and then when it comes to time for reconstruction (about a year or so wait list - could be longer cause i didn't want to do it at time of surgery to remove) he could remove the left one then. He said it's never a shut door on surgery options.

He basically took all pressure off. He is an awesome surgeon. Surgery will be early to mid sept - usually about a month after your last chemo round. 

Although it's not "official" and I still have lots of time to decide, I know what the right decision for me is. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I have to live with it.

My whole life my boobs have been part of my identity. I was teased since I was young and they are often a topic of conversation (or joke!) cause I have been busty since like grade 5. I never loved them. I thought about getting a reduction. But I never thought I'd lose them. I don't know if its something anyone prepares for until you're told "it's breast canser" and it becomes a possibility.

When I was first diagnosed, I was scared of them. I dreaded showering cause I was afraid of the change in the right breast and I didn't want to see or feel the lump (which at first I couldn't). After a few weeks I decided it was silly to be so afraid of them and started to make myself look at them no differently than I had before diagnosis. This took some time - and it had its rough parts (like when you could see the tumour when I layed down)  but I got to the point where I once again looked at them neutrally.

After Wednesdays meeting, it's changed how I view them once again. Now I look at them tenderly.

Cause soon they will be gone.

Both of them.

It's my best shot at living canser free, so its the right decision for me. It's the easiest and hardest decision I've ever had to make.

Who will I be without them? Once I'm boobless and bald I'll be stripped of the two biggest qualities that made me feel womanly. How do you prepare for that?

I cried the other night for a long time. Like left a puddle on Phil's chest. Body shaking sobs. Ug.

I could do reconstruction at the time of surgery. But I've heard some bad stories about the immense physical pain involved. Aside from that, I need time to mourn  my breasts. And to be OK without them. Right now I can tell you that feels like a tall order. Can I ever be OK without them?  

I also need that time to accept me for me. As I am. So when it comes time for reconstruction I"m ready for it. And can happily accept it.

But the thought of being a year (or more) without boobs seems like an eternity to me right now.

There are so many acts and decisions you must do/make along this journey that have the ability to make you stronger. 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Yes. Cause these decisions are heartbreaking. And the only one who can decide is you. Another lonely path no one else can walk for me.

I'm starting to understand why everyone I've met in this canser club are so amazing. You almost have no choice but to grow from the experience. How can you make the choices you have to, and not grow?

So it's probably a really good thing I'm going to see a counsellor from Tom Baker on Tues....I think we'll have alot to discuss in the coming months.  

Tuesday 17 June 2014

Head Doctor? Yikes

June 17, 2014

I wonder if its time to get a shrink.

There. I said it. The thought has crossed my mind a few times when I'm struggling with a feeling or thought. And in my Crazy Sexy canser Tips book she mentions it in like the first 10 tips...and there are alot of tips in that book.

It's not due to lack of support. I have such an amazing support system. However, I'm starting to think there are some things on this journey you have to do on your own. It's part of growing. And learning. And healing.

But quite frankly the idea scares me a little. 

I'm afraid of going back to the dark path. Those two weeks of darkness pre-diagnosis were enough for a life time, thank you very much (I bet there are some "here here" agreements from those who had to endure me then lol) I pictured my death in a myriad of horrible ways and don't need to revisit that.

What if 'they' make me "come to terms with my death"?

I don't plan on dying anytime soon (or even soonish for that matter) so I don't want to spend any energy thinking about it. And I'm scared that's what 'they' will want me to do. That 'they' will think all this positivity is just "denial". I don't want to open up Pandora's box. Cause I'm doing well, but I'm fragile. It's like a daily mantra "focus on the good, focus on the good". If they switch the track to "but what if..." I'm scared I won't find my way back to this good place.

I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone else...sigh...(ha maybe that's confirmation I need to make an appt!) 

I've mentioned how the mental part of this ride is tough and constant. Once you 'find your groove' you certainly don't want to be introduced to a new dance. Esp a morbid one.

Yet my intuition is telling me "its time". Time to walk a path I must walk myself, alone. Guess I've gotten so used to having my champions by my side that the thought of going it alone is a bit daunting. Must seem strange that I can bare my soul on my blog, but I"m scared to go to see someone who is actually schooled and experienced in helping people like me...oy.

I shared my fear with Phil and my Mom. They both said the same thing. "If you go and don't like it or don't get good vibes, get someone else". And my mom also said 'they' are there to help so how would going to the "dark" side help?

True.

And I do find it a little amusing that I'm scared to talk....Kinda seems like an oxymoron....Wonders never cease I guess lol

Oh and I have an appointment tomorrow (Wed - after Kimmy arrives!!!!!) with the surgeon to talk treatment plan and surgery. 

That's just cause of the "significant reduction in size of the tumour and lymph nodes" from the ultrasound on Friday...no biggie...HA!

So I'll keep you posted...or should I say "abreast of the situation"...:)

Monday 16 June 2014

“The Struggle Ends When The Gratitude Begins.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

June 16, 2014

After a loooooooooooong chemo week, time to focus on all those Silver Linings from the last couple of weeks...




First off, my two nephews, Kaedyn and Ryder, shaved their heads a couple weeks ago. In support of me, their aunty. Kaedyn's friend, Owen (who's mom Dani is the lovely lady who cut my hair) shaved it as well! When Andrea sent me the pic of Kaedyn (he did it earlier in the week) I cried. 



I know - seems like pretty standard reaction from me these days. But it's not cause I'm just 'emotional'. It's cause every week there are extraordinary acts of support & love that keep catching me off guard. And this time it was from my 8 year old nephew. His 5 year old brother. And their 6 year old friend. 

My young, compassionate boys. 

Acts like that always give me hope about the next generation. Kaedyn has always been my 'old soul'. We have a special bond. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are years older than his young age. So I'm not surprised - Kaedyn has a huge capacity for compassion. And he's leading by example - one I'm so touched his brother and his friend decided to follow (although after seeing all 3 pics Emmy has flat out refused to go anywhere near a hairdresser - everyone she sees getting a 'haircut' lately comes back with a shaved head lol) 

MILF asked if she could come by- then dropped off a care package. She got me my first vegan cookbook - Oh She Glows - (Kimmy - we can try some recipes from here!!) She also got me a 1 year subscription to Clean Eating - which is chalk full of recipes and good food ideas!! What an awesome, unique gift! She also baked some homemade granola bars and then her office and First Capital raised $777 in my name for the Cure Foundation!! I was blown away!! Then just this weekend she got in touch again to drop off a casserole cause she figured I wasn't feeling so hot this week....Do you see why I love this girl?? (ha and my kids love her too...and her boyfriend Scott...or Uncle Skeeter as they refer to him for some bizarre reason bahahahaha) 

Our neighbour Erin read about my wanting to run with weights and dropped by some 1lb wrist weighs for me to try. She thought 2lbs would be a bit too much and I think she was right lol. I'm lucky to have a more experienced runner who lives 2 doors down looking out for me :)


My other friend Bo came by a few weeks ago with a HUGE, beautiful bouquet of flowers for me!!! They made me smile just looking at them and smelling them everyday...and her friend who makes (cool) hats made me a gorgeous one for cool days - I love it. I wore it today! And on the weekend when I walked Daisy to keep my bald head nice and toasty. Then one day after chemo I get a text telling me there were some homemade Butternut squash soups sitting on my doorstep - that Bo made! Remembering all these amazing acts is making me choked up again.
I have no clue where people come up with all these amazing, helpful, thoughtful ideas!!

I also started to use some of the items from the box my friend Emma dropped off a few weeks back. My amazing friend put together a canser butt kicking box and filled it with all kinds of stuff I need to fight...bath salts, herbs, oils, nuts....And it was all labelled as to why each item was in there and how it would help me fight. I used the bath salts two nights ago when I was particularly sore from chemo. Like physically beat up. It was heaven....
And surprises come in the mail too!! Like almost every week!! 

Bridget (from BC...the very same who sent me my beautiful tea cup...) sent me a gorgeous "strength" necklace that I wore in my 'wig debut' pics. I love it Bridge. My mom's friend Marlene who lives in Ont (and follows my blog - HI Marlene!) sent me a Breast canser Survivor's book full of inspirational stories. It just appeared in her building, pretty much brand new and she took it as a sign that it was meant for me of all people. So she mailed it out to me! 

There is no end to the kindness of those in my life...

My crazy childhood friends Kimmy A and Kris are participating in a walk to end Women's cansers (in Quebec) They are part of the clan that I've been friends with since early elementary. They are also Zumba nuts (that's where I got the idea to try Zumba!) And they are having a Zumba Fundraiser for their walk. In my name! Wow...(If I still lived back east girls you can bet your ass I'd be Zumbaing along with you lol)

Speaking of Kris, then there's her Opa. We all grew up hanging out at Kristy's Oma and Opa's throughout elementary and as teens. He left Nazi Germany during the war and fought for the Allied side. Then he immigrated here. This tough, strong, amazing man is (sadly) a comrade in arms with me...he is fighting prostate canser. Kristy reads my blog to him. When he heard about the head shave and all that, this incredibly sweet, sweet man asked Kris if she would shave his head for him. For me. So I wouldn't be alone. 

My eyes are watering as I write that. 

I have no idea what I did to be surrounded by so many amazing human beings. This is way beyond anything I ever expected. I believe with all my heart it has been the key to my survival - the main reason the tumours are shrinking (ha well chemo may have had small part to play too lol) 

Cause I have these incredibly hard moments. Moments where moving forward just seems to require epic energy, of which I can't possibly muster. And then one of the unbelievable people in my life find the energy for me by going out of their way to be kind. And I find that one step forward. And then another. And another. Till the moment passes and I am strong again. 

I honestly, really couldn't do it without you guys. That's not lip service. Because of you all, I will beat this. That's not from any doc - I just know it in my bones. 

And how do you thank people for essentially giving you life?



Friday 13 June 2014

Oh What A Week...

June 13, 2014

(below taken from The Optimism Revolution on FaceBook)




Have I mentioned how much I hate nausea? Like with a passion. Chemo day this time wasn't great. It started out great. I took Daisy for a run at 6:30AM.

But I couldn't shake the negative nauseous association from last round. I tried visualisation. I tried talking up a storm (surprise I know...). Going on Facebook. Nothing distracted me enough. After the first drug I could feel my stomach turning. Ug.

It was probably what they call "anticipatory" nausea - that's where the mere thought of the nausea to come causes you to be nauseous. Not exactly the kind of "mind over matter" I was hoping for lol.

But this time I had my "as needed" nausea pills with me and didn't hesitate to take one. I even had a ginger ale (at the hospital). Me. I haven't had anything other than water, tea and smoothies (and the very rare beer or glass of red wine) It was kinda surgery. But it helped settle my stomach.

I hate the nauseous days cause its challenging staying positive when you feel so wretched. It came in waves those time but those "as needed" pills helped.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I kept second guessing the "good" idea of dosing me with a neut count at 1.4. I kept hearing the nurse say from that 1st round of chemo when she was explaining how counts come into play and "anything under 1.5 we don't dose cause it can be fatal". What's worse is I had been keeping it in for a few days cause I didn't want to scare or upset anyone else. I  know, but in the moment it seemed like my own burden to bear. 

And I was also upset that if next round my counts drop again that chemo will be delayed and that will screw everything up. Apparently when I feel bad beating myself up comes easily.

Good news is the ultrasound is today. I will call my Kinda Handsome Surgeon after and hopefully get in so we can talk strategies. I'm so hoping he will agree with 6 rounds (total). I think if its still 8 I'll cry. 3 more rounds seems much more tolerable than 5 more. At least today it seems that way to me.

However, the next round , if I'm only doing 6, will be the D drug in FECD. The one everyone keeps telling me is "harder on the body" than the current cocktail. Including the nurses. I really wish they wouldn't do that. I guess they have to prepare you, but if you keep telling someone its going to be bad, guess what's gonna happen? So if its only 6 I'll be nervous for the next round cause its a new drug. That they've kinda been scaring me about. And it'll be that beastly "unknown" again since the first time you have no idea how your body will react. I hate unknown...Fun fun.

Oh and I asked about the watery eyes and sore forearm - all side effects (and no no blindness lol). Not much I can do about it (nails on chalkboard again). Nurse said I could try Claritin if it's a real pain. But I think I prefer watery eyes vs. putting more drugs into me. I'm kinda sick of drugs in my system. As for my arm, I may start putting a 2lb weight on my wrist when I run on that arm to try go strengthen it. Nurse figures my right arm is probably stronger with bigger veins cause I'm right handed. Hence my idea to (gently) try to strengthen my left. What is it going to hurt to try? I'll listen to my body. As always.

I have to say - this whole experience has really tuned me into my own body. You don't realise how disconnected you can become. With chemo, the exercise, the side effects - it makes you pay attention. Which can be daunting when you feel pain but its nice to be aware of your body and coming up with some intuitive ways to help it. None of which have made things worse. I'm glad cause it's nice to have some level of confidence in what you're doing. Cause most days I feel like I don't have a clue. So I'm learning.

My next post is going to be all the good stuff from last week and this week - need to focus on my blessings , not the negative. I have to much to be grateful for and remembering that always helps when I 'm feeling down. So it should be a perky one...although there's been some pretty touching stuff so I can't guarantee a few tears...but the good kind ;)