Head Doctor? Yikes

June 17, 2014

I wonder if its time to get a shrink.

There. I said it. The thought has crossed my mind a few times when I'm struggling with a feeling or thought. And in my Crazy Sexy canser Tips book she mentions it in like the first 10 tips...and there are alot of tips in that book.

It's not due to lack of support. I have such an amazing support system. However, I'm starting to think there are some things on this journey you have to do on your own. It's part of growing. And learning. And healing.

But quite frankly the idea scares me a little. 

I'm afraid of going back to the dark path. Those two weeks of darkness pre-diagnosis were enough for a life time, thank you very much (I bet there are some "here here" agreements from those who had to endure me then lol) I pictured my death in a myriad of horrible ways and don't need to revisit that.

What if 'they' make me "come to terms with my death"?

I don't plan on dying anytime soon (or even soonish for that matter) so I don't want to spend any energy thinking about it. And I'm scared that's what 'they' will want me to do. That 'they' will think all this positivity is just "denial". I don't want to open up Pandora's box. Cause I'm doing well, but I'm fragile. It's like a daily mantra "focus on the good, focus on the good". If they switch the track to "but what if..." I'm scared I won't find my way back to this good place.

I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone else...sigh...(ha maybe that's confirmation I need to make an appt!) 

I've mentioned how the mental part of this ride is tough and constant. Once you 'find your groove' you certainly don't want to be introduced to a new dance. Esp a morbid one.

Yet my intuition is telling me "its time". Time to walk a path I must walk myself, alone. Guess I've gotten so used to having my champions by my side that the thought of going it alone is a bit daunting. Must seem strange that I can bare my soul on my blog, but I"m scared to go to see someone who is actually schooled and experienced in helping people like me...oy.

I shared my fear with Phil and my Mom. They both said the same thing. "If you go and don't like it or don't get good vibes, get someone else". And my mom also said 'they' are there to help so how would going to the "dark" side help?

True.

And I do find it a little amusing that I'm scared to talk....Kinda seems like an oxymoron....Wonders never cease I guess lol

Oh and I have an appointment tomorrow (Wed - after Kimmy arrives!!!!!) with the surgeon to talk treatment plan and surgery. 

That's just cause of the "significant reduction in size of the tumour and lymph nodes" from the ultrasound on Friday...no biggie...HA!

So I'll keep you posted...or should I say "abreast of the situation"...:)