"Joy is a decision, a really brave one, about how you are going to respond to Life." - Wess Stafford

June 25, 2014

I don't even know where to start...

I've mentioned numerous times in the last few posts about being nervous or even dreading my next round of chemo cause it's a new drug (unknown...) and I've just heard really bad things about it.

Even on the heels of the amazing results thus far, it wasn't enough to sufficiently calm the fear of the unknown. I guess now more than ever I needed strength.

That always seems to come in the form of people. Having Kimmy out here for 6 days was the equivalent of injecting me with happy drugs. We talked. And laughed (alot). And got a (bit) screechy as we finished each others stories that we've told a million times. 

It was pure joy.

We even shed a few tears. Kimmy was with me the day after my surgeon appointment. When my decision about the double mastectomy was sinking in. And all the new fears/sadness that opened up. 

We cooked alot too. Yummy, mostly meatless food. I know, I wasn't sure that was possible - meatless and yummy in the same sentence. But I assure you Kimmy is one skilled cook. And she is a patient teacher. She made me feel like I could actually repeat the recipes - on my own. Have I mentioned I'm not what you call "domestically" inclined??? 

She also came with me to the Joe's Team Triathlon and Duathalon (so did Phil and the kids). Nigel won the duathalon!! Dennis was the other One Aimer that I know about who did the Triathlon....that's biking, running and swimming...June isn't exactly "tropical" in Calgary...you're lucky if there isn't still ice in the lakes! He told me he was dedicating the race to me. I met him for the first time after he crossed the finish line. I had tears in my eyes when I saw both of them cross the line. They wouldn't take no for an answer  when they took a pic after the race - I didn't want to intrude. After all, I didn't take part at all in the race. But they insisted so I couldn't refuse. That seems to be how the team rolls (ha!).

It was a healing, happy, real 6 days.

When she got on that plane I felt like a part of my heart went with her. But part of hers stayed with me.

Before she walked through the security doors she lent me a special Angel token. It was with her mom through her brave, hard breast canser fight. It was in the palm of her hand when she passed away. Kimmy lent it to our friend Stephane during his canser fight. The deal is you gotta get better to give it back. He gave it back when he conquered canser. Now it's with me for the duration of my fight. I had asked whatever powers that be to give me strength in the coming days. As always that call was answered. I got Kimmy and filled up on her love. Then she entrusted a piece of her to help me stay strong.

As I drove away from the airport my heart ached.

But I was on my way to a retreat at the Leighton Arts Center with Wellspring.

So I left a part of me on that plane and then walked into a place so peaceful you can't help but have a light heart. The ache lessened. I was with my new, other family. The view took my breath away. The 5 fiery older women I sat with and who seemed to take me under their wings started to fill my heart back up with love. That empty ache was even less. It sounds corny, but I don't know how else to describe it. I didn't even tell them about missing my friend. It was just healing being with them and hearing their stories and words of encouragement in my treatment.

In that company, surrounded by nature, how can you not heal your hurts? I could feel the strength filling up inside.

Then I tried Qigong for the first time. It's part meditation, part energy visualisation. It really resonated with me. More healing.

Then I chatted the next hour with a feisty, wonderful, no holds barred woman in her 60's named Sheila. I was drawn to her strength. She was given a 50/50 chance of living 5 years. It's been 7 years and she is going strong. I was in awe listening to her. You keep thinking the novelty will wear off but every story is unique and amazing in it's own way. I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing people's stories.

Then myself and a very sweet lady named Nancy had a Traditional Chinese tea ceremony. 

Wow.

The sweet, gentle, young woman who performed it was around my age. She is also a Wellspring member. She learnt it in her travels to China and performed it at the retreat as a way to give back to Wellspring. 

It was special. And unique!

The whole retreat was exactly what my soul needed after Kimmy left. I came home feeling balanced and strong. I still miss Kimmy - but the ache is replaced with the joy of the visit and the happy memories we created and reminisced about.

And then Matt - that awesome One Aim member who put my name on his flag for The Ride in Aug - told his teammates (my crazy mall Angels) that he was going to be in town the next night to meet them for drinks after their training ride. I had to meet him. Hearing his story and seeing his amazing human spirit through all he's been through, he has become my hero. He set the bar that I reference when I hit rough patches. I think of all he's been through and feel inspired to hunker down and just do what I need to do to get through it. 

Meeting Matt was like greeting an old friend. I felt the bond since his offer to put my name on his flag and it solidified upon meeting him. He is pretty laid back and quiet (ish - ha) but exudes this strength that is really something. The image that I had driving home after was that of a war vet. He's someone who's been in the trenches, seeing awful things, experiencing stuff no one should have to experience, but came out the other end with this radiating courage, strength and humanity. Guess you could say he left an impression ha.

So did the rest of the team. Nigel shared alot of his canser story. He had us all laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes! He is also one of a kind. I think he wears his heart on his sleeve and he has such a great way of looking at things. He's crazier (I mean that in a good way Nigel lol) that all of them put together but you can't help but like him and feel drawn to his leadership and wonderful sense of humour (and he drinks Guinness so that makes him A-OK in my books...). 

I talked to quite a few of the team members who were there. Matt introduced me to Elaine, Gordon and Erin when some of the team cleared out. Elaine is a 30 year canser survivor. 30 years! Without telling me anything else about her I knew I was in the company of another Great. She is sweet and funny and I was so glad Matt made the introduction (she was at the opposite end of the table) Gordon just came back from France after doing a like 800 km bike trip with war veterans (Canadians and Aussies)...forgive me but my chemo brain is preventing me from remembering what it was called...they started at Vimy Ridge and visited all the war memorials from WWI and WWII in France. He was so interesting. His wife had breast canser I believe it was 2 years ago. He volunteers to drive people who have no way to get to their canser treatment...Erin I only caught some of her story. She is an amazing rider (biker? New to this world not sure what they call themselves lol) according to her teammates. She has a best friend going through breast canser treatment who also has triple negative like me. We chatted a bit about how her friend is doing. 

I know I keep going on about them but as you hear their stories I can't help it. Any one of them would be an inspiration. And they are all on the same team...What do you call a whole team of inspiration? I call it One Aim.

"My Cup Runeth Over".

I think my future involves becoming a part of that team. That is if they will have me lol (might have to raise my "crazy level" ha ha ha).

Toward the end of the night Matt and Elaine told me about a great loss the team recently suffered. Her name was Jen and "she was larger than life". They spoke of her with such respect, love and reverence - it made me wish I could have known her. There was an aura of sadness as well as they told me about her. She left a huge void it seems (to me). How wonderful that she touched them so deeply - it was like I could feel her spirit as they spoke of her and her fight with colorectal canser . There is a documentary about her. They promised to try to get me a copy to watch. This woman was obviously one of those lights in life who shines so much brighter and brings light to other's lives. I could see it on their faces as they shared her story with me. It gave me more insight into this wonderful group of people who already mean so much to me.

So it's been an emotional week - in a good way. And now we are getting ready to retreat to the Kananaskis to once again camp before my next round of chemo. I love this trend. It will be the finishing touch in prepping me for my Wednesday dosing (Tues is a stat - even for canser lol)

I am so very happy.