Tuesday 29 December 2015

"And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never fading with the sunset, when the rain set in...your candle's burned out long before your legend ever will..-Elton John

July 26, 2015





Remember that song “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen”? It was based on a speech written to a graduating high school class in the 90’s with advice for their future. There’s a line that says:

 “…the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday….”

Well, that is exactly what happened when I pulled out my phone on our way home after that glorious Lake Louise Ride. I was basking in the post ride peace, chatting with Hal and Phil, posted my Strava to Facebook…and then my heart was ripped out.

I put my phone down and looked, unseeing, out the window.

Beautiful, inspiring, fighting-stage- 4-triple-negative-breast-canser, mama of 5, Sarah Amento…sweet sweet Sarah….died.

That morning.

From the canser she fought so very hard with every tool she could find.


Died? My world tilted on its axis. Surely it stopped. How could the world continue without Sarah in it? What did that even look like?

I just shut down. My brain refused to process what my heart was screaming. It just wasn’t possible. She wasn’t supposed to die. She wasn’t allowed to die. She was the light on my dark days. She was going to beat the odds. Live to see her 5 babies grow old. She had thousands of people’s love. It was supposed to be enough to keep her here. She had so many close calls. But she always pulled through. Always.

Until now.

I was very quiet. Hal & Phil noticed and commented on it a few times. I didn’t tell them what was going on. I couldn’t. I was afraid if I tried to get the words out, I might feel. And if I felt the full brunt of my emotions, I’d cry. And that once I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I said nothing.

One moment I was on top of the world, the next the ground was ripped out from under my feet.

The rest of the drive and most of that night are a bit of a blur. I am pretty sure I got drunk that night. Not in a “lets go out and get obliterated” kind of way.

In a quiet, sad, heartbroken kind of way.

But the world kept turning. The next morning the sun came up. I got up and got ready for work.



On my drive in, one of the songs from my warrior playlist came on, reminded me of Sarah, and I cried all the way into work. In that moment, her babies were my babies. Her family’s grief and hell were my own. If it's possible, my heart broke all over again. This time not for my own grief  but for what her family were going through.

It’s just so bloody heartbreakingly unfair.

My heart goes out to her husband and best friend Andrew, her 5 beautiful children, her family and her friends. 






"...so long my friend...until we meet again....I'll remember you..." - Drink a Beer by Luke Bryan

Sunday 20 December 2015

"Teamwork is the secret that makes commong people achieve uncommon results" - Ifeanyi Onuoha

July 26, 2015





Today was another big milestone for my riding. Phil and I completed the 118k ride from Banff to Lake Louise…and back! We rode with the team and it was fantastic. It is so incredibly beautiful. I’m used to driving in and around the mountains, but to experience it from a bike saddle is very different.

 It was challenging given I haven’t been riding as much what with work and being away for 10 days. I started to really huff and puff. So much so that briefly I worried about lung mets…ya I know, but someone on the team had told me about a team member who suddenly started to get slower and slower and tire on rides he never did before, and it turned out his cancer came back…(he’s ok now) Before this ride I didn’t usually huff and puff as much so “naturally” my brain went there.


But as always my team was there. Shawna, who is smaller than me, and a very strong rider, let me draft her up a few of the more challenging hills as I was losing steam. I was getting frustrated with myself for not getting out as much and losing some cardio, and started to worry that if I couldn’t do this ride, how was I ever going to complete The Ride in a few weeks? 





We got through that part and she was helping a few others on the team, and I was fighting back tears because I was losing steam again and then suddenly Phil got in front of me to let me draft him through another particularly difficult hill. I don’t know that much about cycling yet, but man what a difference when you can draft someone!! I was still putting in effort, but I could actually breathe again lol Thankfully after having to work hard to get up the hills, we had a blast coming down the other side! I think I actually let out a few “Whooooooops” as we flew down (which thankfully didn’t give Phil a heart attack cause I was pretty loud in my exuberance lol)

There was the option of stopping about 5k out from Lake Louise to eat lunch, or you could go all the way to Lake Louise and then get lunch on the way back. I had intended to go to all the way to Lake Louise. But given how much steam I was losing, I didn’t think I’d make it back . To get to Lake Louise you have to go up, then down to Lake Louise, then do the same again on the way back. I didn’t know if I could make 2 more big hills and have enough in the tank to get me back to Banff….

Nigel found Phil and I on a long flat stretch. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. Phil was all in so Nigel let Phil draft him and they flew to catch up with one of the groups going to Lake Louise that were further up. As I was riding on my own, I have to say I was suddenly wondering about bears LOL This probably helped keep my pace up ha ha. I met up with Nigel at the bottom of the hill that was the last leg to Lake Louise. He was putting up the sign so people coming would know where to turn for lunch.  Phil and the group had continued to Lake Louise.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it to Lake Louise. I can maybe do one more hill, but not two. ”.
(I don’t know how I managed to get this out without bursting into tears – I was that disappointed)

Nigel just smiled and said “C’mon let’s do it. You can’t let Phil have bragging rights! We’ll do it together. I’ll push you if need be, but you can do it.”

What could I say to that?

So up we went…and Nigel, who was probably dead on his feet because of the 24hour ride from Fri to Sat night, got beside me and talked me a ways up…then as I slowed to a crawl, pushed me up the rest.

If he was trying to reduce any hero worship on my part, he was failing miserably.

As we flew down the final stretch into Lake Louise, he yelled out “oh and sit back and hold the bars straight when we go over the Texas gate“

What????

We were going at a good clip and I had visions of flying off my bike…but I did as was told (to the t lol) and was just fine. Best not to overthink I guess! We caught up with the team and I was tired but exhilarated! I made it!! I would not have made it had it not been for my team, but they got me here!! I was grinning like a fool as we rode up to the group, who were surprised to see me! Phil walked over and handed me a huge box of skittles that he had picked up for me as consolation prize – now it was a congrats prize! We took a quick group picture and then started to head back. Nigel was waiting for a few others, and I decided I could start without him as no doubt he would catch up no problem if I coudlnt’ make it up. Might as well get a head start so I didn’t hold everyone up. Phil, Shawna and I rode up that hill. They talked me up the whole way – and I made it up without any assistance!!! I joked that it must be the skittles…(and have not ridden without skittles since just incase…)



We rode into the lunch stop and ate a lot of the food provided by One Aim…you burn a ton of calories on longer,  challenging rides and I was famished! I was a little worried I might run out steam before I got back to Banff but it wasn’t too bad. Except it started to rain…then started to pour lol It was one of those situations where the clouds got socked into the mountains and it was cold and dreary and wet…but I was still smiling! I was actually pretty warm so the rain didn’t bother me too much. I think I had a dark line from my chin to my forehead though from the back tire ahead of me – and decided I needed to add tire guards to my list of things to get…My toes did start to get a bit chilled…and numb the last 10-15k. I added shoe covers to my list…(they help keep your feet warm and dry)

Phil waited for me to catch up together with Nigel and a few others we rode into the parking lot in Banff that we started from. I was on cloud 9. I looked at Strava – 117.9k!! Holy cow! I had one of those “I can’t believe I just rode from Banff to Lake Louise and back” moments. As tired as I was, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. And the gratitude I felt towards Nigel and the team swelled. I couldn’t have done it without them.

Or Phil.

I have to say knowing how hard it was, I was once again worried I wouldn’t be able to complete The Ride. This was basically the equivalent of one day. On Ride weekend I’d have to get up the next morning and do it again! Although I didn’t feel too sore, I was wondering if I would even be able to get out of bed the next morning…Yikes! But it was just a passing thought – I was too overjoyed with completing my biggest ride to dwell on the future.

As Phil, Hal and I got into our van to head home, I savoured the sense of peace that always comes after a ride; the sense that all is right with the world. I thought to myself it has truly been a great day.


Saturday 19 December 2015

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to work I go....

July 20, 2015


Well, I’m back.

I was a jumble of emotions coming back to the office, but it still felt like a step forward. Towards “normalcy” if that even exits. It was nice to be doing something many people do. Go to work.

No chemo. No radiation. No surgery. No scary appointments. No scans.

Just work.

It was mentally taxing, and after only 4 hours I was yawning like I had just worked 18hours straight. But I was told to expect that. So I wasn’t concerned.

The systems and screens I used to fly though I didn’t even touch because I was a bit too overwhelmed with just setting up my computer and ensuring I had all the programs I needed etc. But for a few hours I was lost in a world that had absolutely nothing to do with canser. It was kind of nice.

For the first time in a long time, I felt productive. When I was at home my anxiety took over, making me feel too overwhelmed to do anything productive. At work I didn’t really need to think. There was a list of things that needed to be done or set up – so that’s what I did.

I’m in that weird period of trying to figure out who I am now. Lots of me is the same. Lots of me is different though too. What I want to stay different, and what I want to stay the same is not clear. I’m hoping being back at work will help with that.

It was definitely a step away from my canser life, and a step towards my pre-canser life. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Good I think.

As I was driving away from the office, I put my Warrior play list on. I found Rachel Plattens Fight Song and turned it up loud. I sang at the top of my lungs all the way home.

My chemo brain is pretty bad, I was tired and I kinda felt out of the loop.

But I’m back.




Thursday 10 December 2015

Best - surprisingly not that Griswaldish - Family Vacation!

July 19, 2015


The time had finally come! Our 10 day family camping trip at Old Macdonald Resort!! The kids had been talking about going back since last year when we left. We were supposed to go 10 days last year but with me going through chemo we shortened it to 5 days just incase. This was our “last hurrah” before I went back to work. Our first vacation since I was “on the mend” and not in treatment.  I don’t know who was more excited – me or the kids!



And it was everything we hoped for and more! The weather was SO hot the first few days we spent a lot of time at the sandy beach on the lake…my in laws (parents and Andrea & family) joined us as well so there was always lots going on (including a huge water balloon fight that Andrea spearheaded lol)  The sites we had were HUGE and beautiful. I didn’t even mind being in a bathing suit, which I thought would be an issue given the whole missing a rack thing…but after the first half hour at the beach I was ok with it. I thought about it less and less every time we went, till it was like my bald head – accepted and forgotten (or maybe it was just too damn hot for me to care!)


When the in-laws and cousins left, our friends Liz, Aydan and Sid came up the next day and stayed a few nights. The night before we left we went for supper at the pub by our house and our server Erin heard we were going to Old Mac that weekend.

“Really? So am I!”

We joked that we’d look for her.


Well they came up and we met up with them too! And then we ran into Tara and  ( and their son) who we met at the Knight’s Cabin retreat in the spring. It was kinda like a revolving door of friends and kids all week which was awesome!

We tye-dyed pillow cases, went on a tractor ride, rented pedal cars, went on the “swings” (a ride that you pay $.25 to go on per ride! Kids LOVE it!) pet and fed the animals at the petting zoo and of course made a few stops at the candy store. We had fires and friends to celebrate with every night. It was one of, if not THE best family vacation I think we have ever had. The Thursday and Friday before we left poured rain but we even enjoyed that…we took the kids to a play place and for lunch in the nearby hamlet Alix. Ethan even geared up in his rain suit and biked around in the rain!




The last night as Phil and I were sitting by the fire I was sad it was our last night. We both talked about how even after almost 10 days were weren’t “done” with camping. It had just been so great. I could have spent the summer there.

Maybe for me it also had something to do with going back to work that Monday. I thought it might be good for me and the kids because it would be a routine and one more sign I was getting back to “normal”, (whatever the hell normal is). I was looking forward to being another “productive” person in the family, getting up and going to work with a purpose. Physically I was probably in the best shape of my life, so I wasn’t worried about physical pain, or even tiredness really. But at the same time I was nervous. My chemo brain was pretty bad. What if I didn’t remember anything? I looked totally different than when I was last working there. My hair was now short and SUPER curly. It used to be long and straight. I had boobs. Now I wasn’t even part of the itsy bitsy tiny weeny club…I was “other”. Or felt like it.

I didn’t want to be “other” when I got back to work. I just wanted to be Cindy. What if I wasn’t?





Aside from my physical appearance, I worried how I’d be perceived once I was back. Would I now be the “weak” link? The sickie of the group? The damaged one? Or worse, the pitied one?

What if I couldn’t cut it?

The thoughts kept tumbling around in my head. Not in an anxious loop kind of thinking, just constantly there. I wasn’t sure what to do with them. Because really, like everything else, the only way I’d answer any of these questions was to just go to work, and take it as it came.


I think we were all a little sad on the way back. None of us wanted the vacation to end. And although my going back to work was a sign “mommy was better” the kids were sad I wouldn’t be able to do hot chocolate dates in the morning or surprise lunch dates anymore. Their sadness didn’t really help my own. I’d miss those too. Although I was starting a graduated back to work, so we could still do them for a few weeks more on the days I wasn’t at work.








I went to bed wondering what this next chapter would bring.

Friday 4 December 2015

"Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha" - Optimism Revloution Facebook page

July 6, 2015


With the genetics test done, we did what has come naturally when facing a scary unknown – we headed out towards the mountains. We went to our trailer which was at Sandy McNabb, in Kananaskis,  that very night. Phil had to work the next day but I decided to go out early and he would meet up with us the next night.

It was the perfect way to put the test out of mind.

He came out to help us get settled. Once the kids were in bed, and Phil had left, I relaxed in my bed with a nice book and read until I fell asleep. The next morning I was awoken early by Ethan.

“Mommy?.....Mommy?....there’s a big animal eating trees outside!”

My eyes flew open and I got out of bed and went over to his bunk…sure enough outside was a moose!! Eating the leaves off the tree just behind our trailer! I’ve never seen a moose that close, and the kids have never seen a moose so I woke Emily up (eventhough it was only 6am) and we watched it, fascinated. It’s pretty amazing to be that close to wildlife. The moose eventually moved on but it was pretty special.


 Later that day as we were walking with Daisy in the woods we stopped in our tracks as a couple of deer jumped past us about 20 feet ahead of us on the path!! Thankfully Daisy isn’t a chaser – she just watched them quietly, ears perked and tail wagging a bit. She didn’t even bark. That was pretty special…after I was sure they weren’t going to charge me or the kids lol


I could feel the stress of the previous day start to drain away as I lost myself in nature of the Kananaskis. The trees smell amazing and it was so nice to be out of the hustle and bustle. Phil and his parents got there that night and we had a great weekend! It was smoking hot and eventually we found a water spot off the highway to go put our feet into and get some great pics. We even saw a skunk one night running through the woods beside our trailer!! I’m glad we didn’t get an up close and personal visit from him!


That is the most animals we’ve seen in one trip and it was perfect timing. It reminded me that although we can’t see what the future will bring, there is good with the bad and I hoped it was an omen that good things were to come. I briefly wondered if it was a sign from my Dad that he was watching out for me and sending me some peace in an unexpected way after the stress of the BRCA test. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it.



That week was the start of Stampede. Last year I had just had my 4th chemo and couldn’t really do too much stampeding, although my girlfriends (and Andrea my sister in law) threw me a surprise Stampede party at the pub by my house. This year I was able to go to my work Stampede party. 

Honestly, I was pretty nervous. I was going back to work in a few weeks, and although I had some hair, it was still pretty short…and grey!! Every stampede I’ve always worn pigtails. Even when I was bald I had my wig that I put in pig tails. This year it was 30plus degrees so way too hot for my wig (or my boobs!). I kinda felt a bit naked going just as myself. Before when I visited work I was “sick” and in treatment so the expectation was I would look different. But now I was done and close to coming back and I was suddenly very self conscious.

Thankfully I ran into Roger and Ty as soon as I got there, which put me at ease a bit. I didn’t two step because to be honest I didn’t have that much courage (or maybe not quite enough to drink…) And I didn’t have my Two step partner Liz…(next year Liz!!) But I have to admit although the tent was jam packed, and my co-workers were all around – I kinda felt like I was all alone.

So I went to get a drink.

As I was waiting in line, I noticed the woman ahead of me without any hair showing under her cowboy hat. I was trying not to stare but I recognise the bald treatment look anywhere, and I so badly wanted to reach out to her, but wasn’t 100% sure she was in treatment. I finally tapped her on the shoulder and said:

“HI! I’m sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if you were going through treatment?” (ha so much for small talk – I blame the few beers I already had in me…)
She looked a little surprised then said “yes I am”.
I then told her how I went through treatment last year and discovered she was also going through treatment for breast cancer. She was a few rounds in and feeling so so.

I told her I was bald as a ping pong ball last year then showed her my hair so she could see how much it had grown and told her I too went out for Stampede last year too and tried not to let treatment get too much in the way of life. I told her I was doing well and that I was getting stronger all the time and not to lose hope. That it might feel tough in the middle of chemo, but that I promised it would get better. I also told her about Wellspring in case she hadn’t heard about it. She was a sweet lady and as she went back to her friends, I wondered if it was another sign from my Dad to remind me how far I’d come in a year – because she looked just like I did a year ago. And she had the same fighting spirit.

What I didn’t expect was the comfort she offered me without even knowing it herself…

I suddenly didn’t feel alone...


That Sunday my in laws took the kids for us so Phil and I could go for a ride. The last time we tried to go downtown we only made it to the weir because we were short on time. But this time we had all day. He really wanted to show me the route from Lake Chaparal to Eau Claire so off we went. It was a gorgeous day for a ride. When we got to Eau Claire, we weren’t tired.

“Want to go a little further? There’s a coffee shop a little ways away we could go to to get something to eat then turn around there?”.

“How far?”

“About 15 minutes or so”

So we carried on. We came up to the turn off for the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. I started to grin from ear to ear.

So many times in the last year we have driven from our house to the Tom Baker. Appointments. Chemo. Radiation. It was usually a drive filled with trepidation. Now I was on my bike… we had basically covered the same distance, if not a little more, and my heart was fit to burst with joy!! As I looked at the sign in amazement, the symbolism was not lost on me. Neither was it lost on Phil. This was a game changer moment for me. I did it. I really did it. The Ride to Conquer in August suddenly seemed just a little less daunting.

As we got to the coffee shop a few minutes later he told me casually “you know, if we go just down there and around the bend, like 5 minutes, we’ll be at Wellspring….”

“Really??? We’re that close?? Ok let’s go!”.

He followed me as I took off, determined to get to what had been my refuge during treatment. As I came around the bend, I had a smile plastered across my face and tears in my eyes. We snapped some pictures.  Then we biked back to that little coffee shop (perhaps now my favourite coffee shop ha) and had a well earned mocha. I savoured every drop. It kinda felt like a victory drink. I knew I still had to bike home, but the way I was feeling I figured the joy would get me 90% there.


The last 5k or so I started to run out of steam. Phil encouraged me the last few kilometres. I hadn’t eaten much and that was a long ride…as we got to the van I looked at Strava…

Holy  cow 75.8k!!! My longest ride yet. Also my most emotional ride…


And I think my favourite ride…(or at least tied with our first One Aim Team ride…)

Yoda once said “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” 

I’m glad we did.