Hey Cancer - How Do You Like Me Now?

April 29, 2014

Of all the 'unknowns' that I've come up against since starting this journey, strangely having not one but three toxic drugs injected into me has caused the least amount of anxiety...go figure.

So I walked into Tom Baker with Phil by my side, not a cloud in the sky and war paint on my face. It felt very empowering. 

"I am woman hear me roar lol" 

Ha ha ha. Had lots of smiles from fellow comrades. Had a doctor tell me he liked the marks as he walked by:

Me: Thanks, its my first chemo treatment
Dr: Good for you!

A few patients families all smiled and some gave me thumbs up or a nod. Lots of patients lit up when they saw me. All this added to my courage. And it made people happy! That's powerful stuff for me. My Inner Ninja was purring....guess she's over the whole being bound and gagged from the other day lol

I've taken the attitude of embracing these chemo drugs as part of my army helping me to fight each battle. The nurse said to the first one before injecting it "go where you're supposed to go". I silently added a "yes please".

It was 4 syringes - BIG syringes - and it was red. I mentioned on facebook how some call it the Red Devil. Lovely name for a liquid I willingly put in my body...

Anyways I didn't feel any burning in my veins. And my vein didn't collapse...hey wait did I volunteer for this kind of drug?! 

She had the IV in my hand which they typically don't do but mine were so fat and juicy (her words, I swear not mine!!) so she used it. And it worked as it should. Thank you veins! So two Silver Linings right off the bat - good veins and no immediate reaction to the drugs as it was being administered.

She had to push that puppy manually into me (so many people have my life in their hands these days...) so at least she was in control She flushed out my veins with lots of saline solution between drugs....

I wonder if its equivalent to smelling coffee beans between scents to "cleanse your pallet" - maybe my blood needs its pallet cleansed between toxins??

Anyways my nurse - Stephanie - was awesome. Wonder if there's a nurse request app....

Next drug was the one that starts with an F and that one had no ill effects either but she expected that. That ones goes through the IV machine and was fast. Like 15 minutes. Maybe. I've decided its my favorite so far - even if I only remember the first letter of its name lol

The last one was the longest - about 45 min or so, also through the IV machine. This one made me fuzzy headed (although could have been the pre meds I took before for nausea) Toward the end it gave me a head ache. So she slowed it down for the last 10 min or so (how fast it was going into me) I'm not a fan of this last one but maybe it just needs to be administered a bit slower next time (its the C in FEC)

In all it was only like 2 hours. I felt fine except for fuzzy headedness (ie high feeling lol) We even stopped by a health food store on the way home.

Did I mention I still had my war paint on???

Got some weird looks. Ah well, let them stare - didn't bother me. 

When we got home we ate a bit (salad!) Then we took Daisy for a 30 min walk. I was feeling a bit queasy by then but it may have been heartburn. Figured if I sit or I walk-same difference so what would it hurt? It helped! (and yes I remembered to take off the war paint before we left)

Was able to eat some lentil vegetable soup (ya I wasn't sure what that was either...) I ate part of it. Took my pill. Then 20 minutes later ate the rest. And kept it down! Drinking ginger tea and saltine crackers have been HUGE help. Bananas too. So I'm rolling with it. The saltines are only for next few days but I'll try and find gluten free replacement. I don't really want something that could 'feed' the cancer going into my body if I can help it. But if its the only thing that will work, I'm fine with it.

They gave me drugs to take every AM (3 pills) and every PM (2 pills) for side effects over the next 2 days. Then I should be over the worst of it. 

After having fairly wretched nausea with both pregnancies (Emmy for 5 1/2 months)  I"m a bit of a pro at nausea. I still hate it. But 4 days compared to 5 months isnt' so bad. Keeping things in perspective. And my eye is on the prize. I just hope I'm up to exercise tomorrow - even if its just a walk. Inside. From my bed to the couch lol

I read earlier that epsom salt baths are good during chemo to flush out the toxins. So I might do that shortly. See how it makes me feel (I've come to terms with being a guinea pig at the moment) Should at least help me sleep!

So day 1 I'm not doing too badly, considering. Nausea got pretty yucky there for a bit but I think the food (thankfully) helped. And maybe the ginger tea. Kimmy told me peppermint is awesome too. And I have lots of chamomile tea too.

Oh and I should mention The Rules for while I'm doing chemo....and don't have an immune system:

1.  If you're sick, been around someone who was sick (or is sick) or live with someone who's         sick, you cannot come over. That includes colds, coughs, sneezes etc. NO SICKIES!

2. Hand sanitizer is set up at front door. Any body who walks through said door will need to        sanitize their hands. And on their way out. 

3. No sharing foods, drinks, bodily fluids (ha just seeing if you're paying attention!)

4. Please DO come visit if you are not sick...Give me this week to see how I fare with all the         acute reactions and then please, by all means, visit!

By the way, all the encouraging words, messages, texts, calls gave me the courage I needed today to face this with very little anxiety, so thank you.

Every single message helped. 

And the war paint....we'll have to up the aunty next time :)

It Ain't About How Hard You Hit..

April 27, 2014

...It's about how hard you can get hit. And keep moving forward. It's how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning done.  - Rocky Balboa

Rising up, 

Back on the street

Did my time, 

Took my chances

Went the distance, 

Now I'm back on my feet

Just a woman and her will to survive 

So many times it happens too fast

You trade your passion for glory

Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

 It's the eye of the tiger

 It's the thrill of the fight

 Rising up to the challenge of our rival

 And the last known survivor

 Stalks his prey in the night

 And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat

Hanging tough, staying hungry

They stack the odds still we take to the street

For the kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger

It's the thrill of the fight

Rising up to the challenge of our rivals

And the last known survivor

Stalks his prey in the night

And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Rising up, 

straight to the top

Had the guts, got the glory

Went the distance,
 now I'm not going to stop

 Just a woman and her will to survive

 It's the eye of the tiger

 It's the thrill of the fight

 Rising up to the challenge of our rivals

And the last known survivor

 Stalks his prey in the night

 And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

What Doesn't Kill You

April 27, 2014

One of the tips in my book "Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips" is to find a place where you can collect your thoughts and be at peace. A place you can go when you need "me time". I don't necessarily have a specific place yet, but being out in the mountains definitely has been rejuvenating, peaceful and has made me feel more centered. 

Like rallying the troops before battle - it's brought focus to my single minded purpose - to fight.

Being in 'crunchie granola central' the weekend before chemo starts has been perfect. It was actually easier eating this weekend than anytime since I stated down my "path to veggie zen".

Yes, there are alot of steak and bison restaurants. Ok ALOT of mouth watering, tummy rumbling spots I could've sunk my teeth into.

But there are also alot of vegan or vegetarian and gluten free/friendly places! 





When we got here Friday night (and checked into The Rimrock - I'm getting more high maintenance as the days go by...) one of the gents checking us in recommended Nourish Bistro. 

It's a vegan restaurant who's menu is also like 90% gluten free! (on top of everything else yummy, I've had to eliminate gluten as well...sigh) I think it was a sign. The website talks about "A place to share, a place to relax, a place to laugh...a visit here nourishes the mind and soul as much as it feeds the body". After changing our clothes from the drive, we headed out to check it out.

Boy were we glad we did!! The food was AMAZING! Like not just "oh it was edible for veggie fare" or "it was good for a vegetarian place". No, this place makes everything from scratch and uses all organic ingredients! 

Kimmy - next time you are out here, we are going there!!

I even ordered a (non alcoholic) drink called Beet It. It's a veggie drink and it has beets in it...Until my diagnosis I don't think I had ever eaten a beet in my life. Now I'm drinking beet drinks...oh how times have changed.

I took some pics of the food cause we were so blown away (and as proof that I am following this crazy diet) Even Phil loved the food. I briefly wondered if the chef would consent to come be my personal chef for the next 6 months...But then I thought if I worked in the mountains leaving all that for a house in the city with two crazy kids, a huge dog and a diva cancer patient wouldn't be a big sell....

Anyways, we ate really well this weekend. Or tried to. We specifically went to a hip small pizza place called The Bear Street Tavern because it had gluten free crust. I even ordered a Margarita pizza and asked them to add spinach. And ordered a salad to start...except I was so excited about ordering (and a wee bit starving) that I forgot to say "gluten free crust"...Ooooops. Still new to this I guess.

We had Greek Saturday night (Balkan the Greek Restaurant) which was AMAZING! I even ordered a vegetarian stuffed pepper thingy which was also one of the most yummy veggie meals I've had. I did order pork souvlaki on the side cause I hadn't had much protein all day.

Aside from all our yummy food I also got to exercise...we walked lots taking in the stores, the people and the fresh mountain air. But I also did laps in the pool Friday night followed by a nice hot tub soak. Saturday I actually went to the gym for half hour. I went pretty hard on the stair climber/elliptical machine . Worked up a good sweat and was Ms Tomato face but felt great. Later that night had an awesome soak in the hot springs.

All this good eating, exercise and hot water soaks (esp the hot springs) has left me sleeping so incredible well. I actually slept 7 hours straight last night. This whole weekend has been a complete mind, body and soul retreat. It was exactly what (we both) needed. I think too that for me nature will be my refuge through all this. The clean air, the majestic scenery and yes, even the snow, were just so damn good. So I think camping this summer will be essential as part of my "healing" between treatments. Sinking into nature. Mind, Body and Soul.

And despite the "snowy" weather, every day - (Friday, Saturday and Today) there has been some part of the day where we had a patch of blue sky and/or sun coming through. It was like a reinforcement of my Silver Linings. Always look for the blue patch of sky in the storm.

Which brings me to my Dad. Well, my other Dad. No, not the one you all know as The Can Man - my biological Dad. My Dad died of pancreatic cancer when he was 35. 

Ya, I know, that info really played with my mental stability during my two weeks of "dark days".

But I feel like he's looking out for me. My own personal Guardian Angel. Almost like he's saying "your story is NOT gong to end like mine". I have felt this message since the night I was diagnosed...

He died when I was 2. So although I do have some very small flashes of memories of him, I don't have a lot, and I never knew him. However, having to walk down the cancer path, I will understand a side to him that even my mom couldn't. And that makes me happy in a way (yes, I would MUCH rather not know that side to him and never have cancer, but it's a Silver Lining in this situation)

And these patches of blue sky - both this weekend and in my life - I partially attribute to him doing what he can from where he is....So in the now and in the "beyond" I feel I have a cheering section in both realms. 

Since I have somewhat touched on spirituality, I thought I'd mention the wolf talisman necklace I found (ha in all places in a souvenir shop...) A few weeks ago when I saw the picture on Facebook of that fierce wolf and the words " Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack" it struck a cord deep down. It was so powerful and it has never left me.When I saw the howling wolf and a stone as smooth as a worry stone I had to get it. Out of curiosity I googled "wolf symbolism" and the write up gave me goose bumps:

"The Native American's and other spiritual communities believe that all humans have animal totems guiding them through life. Each animal has a special meaning, and a special purpose for their guidance. The wolf, is viewed as one of the most highly appreciated guide, as it comes to you when you need it the most....

If the wolf is a part of your life, it is trying to get you onto the right path, to point you in the direction that you need to go. Whether that may include bonding with family, or learning discipline in your life. The wolf is to be respected. They are amazing creatures, their symbolic meaning is the key to success and survival. If you often feel a restlessness inside yourself, you feel as though you are meant for something greater, it's because you are, but you are unsure of how to achieve it. The Wolf is the guide to help you achieve your potential"

So going into this fight, I'm armed with my Wolf, My Guardian Angel (Dad), my own Inner Ninja, a centered core, a calm but fierce being and all the love and support I could ever ask for. 

I'd say the odds are looking pretty bad for cancer...it picked the wrong chick to tangle with.

Let's do this.

Fellow Cancer Warrior's video - She's in Remission now

My Oncologist (Cancer Doctor) - AKA Team Guardian Angel Part II

April 23, 2014

As some of you may have already seen on Facebook:

MY CT SCAN WAS CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Which means the cancer has not spread to other parts of the body.)

HUGE SILVER LINING. HUUUUGE!!

And we weren't late for our appointment ...we were actually early! (that may only be because some people were off on Monday so traffic was really light....but I digress...)

When we got to the Tom Baker we were directed to the ground floor and told to follow the yellow line on the floor...I kinda felt like Dorothy and the yellow brick road...would have been awesome if munchkins would have started to sing "follow the yellow brick road..." (sadly there were no singing munchkins though I kept a sharp eye out for them....)

Filled out more forms (story of my life - forms and bloodwork!) Then got taken back to another waiting room by this sweet older lady who I think was a volunteer. She had the disposition of a great grandmother and numerous patients called out hello's to her as we passed by.

After waiting half hour (maybe I missed my calling - doctors are always late and have terrible penmanship - we have so much in common!) my oncologists nurse called us in. She weighed me and noted my height (I on the other hand did not). Then she sat me down and asked a bunch of questions. Then handed me a dreaded gown to get undressed (waist up) for an exam.

Gulp.

A doctor who is working with Dr Stewart came in and did the exam. Checked all my lymph nodes. She was very gentle. She even measured my lump from the outside (like actually took a measuring tape to my breast) which kinda felt a little redneck to me lol

She asked a bunch more questions (history, medications I'm on, allergies etc) and then sat down and got down to business. Confirmed both scans (bone and CT) were clean (happy dance!) Then she explained that they test for 3 different receptors (ie if the tumour is receptive to 3 hormones - estrogen, progesterone and HER2) They have some drugs they can use to block the receptors as part of some people's treatments. My tumour is "Triple Negative" (sounds like a band name to me...) which means its not sensitive to the 3 hormones. Although that means they can't use hormone therapies, I read in my Silver Lining book that it typically responds well to chemo (esp in it's early stages) Its most common in young women and African American women. Turns out my Mama friend I've mentioned (Kelly) has this same kind. Our cases are so similar its crazy!

Doc told me they will use 2 different chemo drug cocktails (I had to bite my tongue from asking if the cocktails came shaken or stirred...) The chemo treatment they will use for me is called FEC D. FEC (each letter represents a drug) is the first round. I will do 4 treatments, once every three weeks. Then they will change to the D drug and do 4 more treatments also once every three weeks. This will take about 6 months. 

They will be watching the tumour to make sure it's shrinking. I will also get bloodwork before each chemo treatment to make sure my counts are up. The first 3-4 days after treatment can be roughest for immediate side effects (nausea, vomiting, appetite loss, mouth sores) Lovely eh?!? The second week my counts will be at their lowest (red, white cells and platelets) so I may feel most tired this week. The third week I should be almost back to normal (well, my normal ha!) 

And oh ya, hair loss is almost guaranteed.

Yup, I will very likely be Cindo The Bald (Goddess!) They said this could be within two-three weeks of my first treatment. 

Ok then....

Silver Lining: I got a wig prescription.Yes, a prescription for a wig! I was kinda looking at the doctor when she handed me the piece of paper, wondering if I had heard her right...

Me "Wig prescription?"
Doc: "Yup"
Me :So, what do I do with it? Trade it in for a wig?!?"
Doc: No, its for the insurance to send in"

Ohhhhhhhh...well that makes more sense lol. So get to try out a "new me"if (when) I lose my locks. I saw a funny shirt I will have to get:

"Does this shirt make my head look bald?"

Ha. (hey gotta laugh - its only hair)

But they also said once it starts to fall out, you are best to shave it cause it will hurt if you let it fall out "naturally" (ha nothing too natural about losing your hair at 35...) For the kids sake I may cut off my locks to a very short cut before treatment starts (I want to donate it but i had highlights so think that might make it "inadmissible") So I have 5 days to grow a pair and just do it!! I've never had short hair so this will be....different. We'll stick with that. Kelly has a bunch of girlfriends that are holding a fundraiser event (for Breast Cancer in her name) that are going to shave their heads in support! (she will be going through Chemo too) 

That is awesome!!! I will be there sparkling head and all for support too!!

My Oncologist Dr Stewart finally made his appearance after the first doc went over all this info. He is kinda quiet. He mentioned after chemo would be surgery, then radiation.

Me: WHAT????

No one has mentioned radiation until he said it. 

Me: "So radiation because its just how you treat this? Like its part of the treatment?"

He just nodded. Not much explanation. This kinda threw me from my game. I was reeling from this new piece of info, as well as still reeling a bit from the "triple negative" info (I didn't really know what that meant at the time and I think I had bound and gagged my inner ninja cause I was too afraid to ask) But I asked him about the medicinal marijuana and he shot that down pretty quick. I honestly didn't have the heart to argue. But that fight is not over...he may have won the round, but definitely not the fight - he just had a bit of a psychological advantage at the time...

He also dismissed any clinical trials but also was not "wordy" about why. Of all people, I get the Oncologist who doesn't like to talk!!

So I asked about when chemo would start.

Doc: "Tuesday"
Me: "Like next week?"
Doc: "Yes"

OK....My Kinda Handsome Surgeon had told me within a week of this meeting chemo could start. I've written about it. Told the same to everyone. But suddenly it was like a fog had lifted and reality smacked me across the face.

In a week chemo starts. Within three I could be bald. Alrighty then...

Another Silver Lining: When he did speak, alot of it was to tell me (multiple times) : young, healthy women like yourself usually fare really well on chemo" (maybe this is his way of asking me to stop the incessant questions on side effects lol)

I will go for a few more tests.  An echo cardio MRI to get a baseline of my heart (a very rare side effect to one of the chemo drugs can affect the heart - this test is just standard) An ultrasound to get better measurement than the tape measure across my breast (hooray for accuracy!) and as a baseline going into chemo. And more blood work lol

So there you have it in my version of a nutshell (ha this might be the longest post yet lol) I felt pretty emotional after the meeting, as did my mom and Phil. I was actually quiet. BIG flag that something is up!

It wasn't that he said anything bad (well, radiation is not the best news I was hoping for) It was just ALOT. And FAST. And I'm gonna be bald...(ya I know, first it was the obsession with lymph nodes, now its baldness - I"m never happy !)

Sigh...I kinda liked my worries BC (before Cancer)

However, the wig could be awesome...and if the chemo gets rid of other hair on my body, might not be all bad....

Let Her Sleep, For When She Wakes She Will Move Mountains

April 20, 2014

I've talked about (my awful) diet. And so I should probably talk about sleep (or lack there of.)

Me and Sleep have always gotten along just fine, except for when Emily started to teethe at 10 months old and since Ethan was born till he was almost 2 lol. Having kids made me aware of how important sleep is and also that you can live on very little of it in short periods, without too many detrimental effects. You may put your keys in the fridge and attempt to hang the milk jug from the key rack, but you realize both mistakes (fairly) quickly...

Ok, I may have lost my set of keys once...like for good...but we still have Phil's set! Disaster averted...(or at least the few hundred bucks it would have cost to get a new van key...maybe don't bring up the "Key Incident" to Phil...)

But before my Inner Ninja showed her face in the two weeks prior to my diagnosis, I was not sleeping well. At all. Like maybe 2-3 hours some nights. And the not sleeping would stress me out and then it became a vicious circle. 

Some nights when I couldn't shut my mind off I would curl around Phil and shake. 

For hours. 

Sadly not because I was cold. It was the pure terror coursing through my veins responsible for that lovely reaction. So when I say those were dark days, they really were.

The night I was diagnosed, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills. It took me two nights of no sleep (honestly - I'm lucky if I got 2 hours combined for the two nights) to get the prescription filled. I was already looking ahead to treatment and all that but I think those first two nights I did a lot of my processing. (It would have been a hell of a lot more convenient if my brain could've done this processing during the day...)

It became a battle - dreading going to bed cause it meant worrying if I didn't fall asleep. So finally I started with a half sleeping pill. It got me through till 2AM, then I couldn't go back to sleep. Took a full sleeping pill the next few nights. Once my appetite came back and  my anxiety slowly returned to non DEFCON 5 levels, I dropped the dose to half. Most nights that took me to 5AM...which was like the first time the baby sleeps through the night - I wanted to celebrate when I opened my eyes and it wasn't the middle of the night!! 

(I was smart enough to celebrate internally and quietly as I don't think Phil would have felt a 5AM wake up was necessarily a good thing lol)

I dropped the dose to half the night after I met with my Mr Kinda Handsome Surgeon. The night after my CT scan I was sleeping without pills. Wrong or right I looked at a "drugless" sleep as my next goal. I am so happy I can now sleep without pills. But I also learnt there are times in life when a good nights sleep is desperately needed and if a pill will help, so be it.

So if I mention odd remarks about sleeping, I'm just celebrating more small victories in this war.

These days I'm awake usually between 5-5:30AM. Every morning. 

But I've learnt to enjoy this time. I'm able to collect my thoughts. Sometimes I write.  Or Scroll through Facebook lol Maybe one day I'll get to the point of wanting to run with Daisy (that might be too lofty a goal at that time even for me ha!) It's become one of my favourite times of the day. 

Yes, I'm the only one awake in my house but I finally don't feel alone, and I don't fear being alone with my own thoughts - I actually welcome it. It's liberating and peaceful.

A BIG Silver Lining. And for that I'm grateful (and probably Phil too cause I don't keep him up all night or wake him at some ungodly hour...) 

And the tea....Bobbi's tea that she dropped off - Mothers Little Helper from David's tea - is amazing!! Not only does it taste delicious, I have slept through the night, without waking once, every night since I've started drinking it!! So if you need some help to relax and settle the mind before bed- get this tea!! (the overuse of exclamation marks should tell you how much I enjoy it...)

The Talk...And I Don't Mean About The Birds & The Bees

April 18, 2014

Today was the day I've been dreading, probably since I was told I was going for a biopsy. Having to talk to my two babies about my big 'C'....yuck.

Part of your role as a parent is to protect your children from harm - be it physical or emotional - where possible. Breast cancer is no cold. It won't go away in a few weeks. And its scary as hell to adults. So how to talk to your happy go lucky 3 & 5 year olds about something that makes grown men cringe?

Talk about pressure!!

While researching and reaching out to Rethink (Breast cancer organisation who specifically targets young women and women with young families) I started to formulate a way to frame the discussion so as to not traumatise the kids but also make sure they are part of the journey and don't feel we are hiding anything from them.

By talking to them we are ensuring they feel safe. Loved. Included. And hopefully, reassured. 

Cause I sure as S#$@ would freak out if I thought everything was honky dory and then one of the people I loved most in the world started to lose their hair, have no energy and possibly threw up now and again. If that doesn't sound fair to an adult, how is it fair to a child? Cancer affects the whole family, not just the adults.

In times of crisis I recommend a pedicure. (Yes, you read that right.) 

Whether it's that your fat pants don't fit, you're stressed out at work or yes, you have cancer and have to have THE TALK with your preschoolers....

There's always joy to be found looking down at pretty, painted toes & soft feet (don't mind my big toe bruise from my "walk/jog/walk/jog in apparent non walk/jog shoes)...or maybe I'm just REALLY vain....

Whatever the case, when I got back from my pedi, I poured myself a tea, called the kids to the living room and we sat with them. I sat on the floor so I was at their level (not too much of a stretch given I'm vertically challenged at a whole 5 feet tall...)

And then we told them.

"We have something important and maybe sad to tell you. Do you know what important means? (basically yes from their long winded responses lol)

"Mommy's sick....(they both looked at me)

...the disease I have is called Breast Cancer. It's not like a cold. You can't catch it from me. And nothing you did caused this. It wasn't Mommy's fault. It wasn't Daddy's fault. It wasn't Ethan's fault. It wasn't Emmy's fault." (Emmy piped in "and not Daisy's fault...lol) People can't make this happen to other people.

Do you have any questions so far?"

Emmy: Yes. You could sleep with my unicorn tonight cause when I have a bad cough I hug it tight and then it makes it go away.

I smiled and kindly told her that the unicorn would make Mommy feel better, but that it would not make the cancer go away. Only doctors with special medicine could do that.

Before anyone wonders how I kept it together for that question - I had read about their "magical thinking" in this age group so was anticipating something like this. I'm glad she asked cause it gave me the chance to dispel the notion.

By this point Ethan took off to play (a cue that he was done taking in the all the info) 

We spoke a while longer to Emmy about cancer being bad cells that are not nice to good cells (kind of like bully's) and how we were going to the doctors on Monday to find out what kind of medicine I needed.

I mentioned it may take a long time for Mommy to feel better. And that it wasn't a secret and she could talk about it to whoever she wanted.

We asked her to tell us what we told her.

"Mommy's sick. She needs special medicine from the doctor to get better. And there will be appointments and people taking care of us"

This last point we had not mentioned. So anyone who thinks you can keep this from kids - you can't. 

We reassured her that yes, there may be appointments and I might have to go to the hospital but that they will always be taken care of. I also told them who would take care of them so there is no unknown.

We all know how I feel about "unknown"....

We also talked about they may hear people say scary things to them about Breast cancer and if this ever happens to talk to us so we can make sure it's the right information.

We covered off a few other things, but in all it was maybe a 20 min conversation. Phil and I were calm, cool and collected (my Inner Ninja had this once again) and I hope they took their cues from us. This is NOT something I want them to internalise.  It will be a free and open conversation any time they want to talk about it or how they feel about it.

At lunch time Emmy piped up again "we have to eat healthy to get better". Guess the influx of veggies was not lost on her either lol

Already I'm relieved I can tell them Monday is a doctor's appointment. It felt like the last step holding us back from moving forward as a family. Now we can openly support them and have open dialogue when they need it. I think alot of people disagreed with me talking to them.

But I feel 150% in my cancer free bones that it was the right thing.

Funny how something you initially dread could turn into a Silver Lining...

Speaking of Silver Lining's...

To top it off one of my good friends Bobbi dropped off what I call my Organic Sleep Aid Kit: organic David's sleepy tea (yummy!) sleep CD's and a book about growing through adversity. 

All amazing!!!

I love my friends :)

Cancer 101

April 17, 2014

Firstly, I talked to my nurse today and she said my Oncologist would go over all the CT results when I meet with him on Monday. 

I think my heart stopped for the half second it took her to add "but I didn't see anything that jumped out at me about metastasis (ie that the cancer has spread to other places in my body) or anything like that when I scanned over your report... although embedded in the report they may want to do other investigations but there was nothing that jumped out". (I guess the reports can be kinda long so it sounds like she just scanned it as opposed to read through the whole thing) 

So I had a half sigh of relief...I will definitely feel better after going through it with the oncologist, but at least there doesn't appear to be a skull and crossbones attached to my file...Small Silver Lining?? That should hopefully get me through till Monday...

As should some of the information we got from the 3 info sessions we have been to at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre in the past 2 days! Keeners, I  know....

Let me start by going back to yesterday afternoon (pre freak out about the message on my voicemail to call about my appointment) Phil and I decided to attend the info session on Alternative Complementary Therapies from a woman who is trying to make the Tom Baker a national leader in Integrative Oncology. 

I'll start with when we arrived. We drove separately cause we both came from work. As I was walking to the building I snapped this pic of where I will be likely spending quite a bit of my time over the next while...

My first thought was "well, they certainly don't mince words":

At least the entrance had the full name of the centre...

I felt a bit emotional as I walked up. 

But as I walked into the centre, I felt a kinship with everyone I saw there - patients, nurses, doctors, volunteers, family and friends...like I was joining my comrades in arms. We are united in our mission. We have a common enemy and a single purpose - to fight, and live.

So within 5 minutes, or maybe less, I was at peace being there. 

It represents hope to me. 

Ya I know, leave it to me to walk into a Cancer Centre and feel like I fit right in lol They better be careful, usually when I feel this way about something it becomes a passion which means a cause I am ready to take on...and then they wont be able to get rid of me... even when I'm long healthy! 

Then Phil showed up and the trance was broken ha ha ha I'm kidding...But we found the auditorium and listened to this great lady named Linda Carlson talk about her vision for having an Integrated Oncology program that is the first of it's kind in our country - where conventional and complementary (alternative) medicines/techniques can be used with an educated Oncologist staff on what is proven or promising along with conventional medicine. It is just in its beginning stages but she went through quite a few complementary therapies, including herbs/supplements/food (and confirmed avoiding red meat, eat plant based diet as much as possible and exercise!) Exercise is HUGE...and is now going to be part of my daily routine. (I just cant catch a break! No beer, eat green plants and exercise? Someone has it out for me...)

She did not mention medicinal marijuana....Sooooo of course I had to ask. Did I mention I was one of the youngest in the class?? (maybe the youngest) So maybe my nickname now is "Pothead Mama".... 

But the research is promising on THC and CBD (properties found in cannabis) for both the chemo side effects (helping with nausea and munchies...oh I mean "appetite stimulation") as well as some promising results when it comes to slowing tumor growth, slowing spread of cancer cells (or stopping but I don't know if enough studies exist yet to claim this) as well as attacking the cancer cells and protecting the healthy cells (most of what I looked at was specific to breast cancer but there was lots on other cancers as well). 

She doesn't think the oncologists in Alberta will necessarily be familiar with prescribing or dosing for it ( you eat it, not smoke it....) and for encouraging it. But this is one therapy that I will fight tooth and nail for, at least while I'm doing chemo. I don't really care if they are comfortable with it or not - its my body, and I am very comfortable with it. And the bloody Government of Canada says it's ok so how the hell is this still taboo??? So Monday should be interesting - esp if they try to tell me no...(maybe someone should warn them???)

This morning we went to a session on sleep - or rather not sleeping. It was insightful and I got some good info and some help resources. And this afternoon was the "Cancer 101" class on basics of the treatments, the Tom Baker itself and support help. Had some family with me as well (we had our own section!) I would recommend all of the sessions so far - they are free and you don't have to register.

I may have also asked the nurse (who's been working at Tom Baker for over 30 years) about the medicinal marijuana...Although I waited till the room cleared cause the mean age was closer to 50 or 60 and I didn't think they would necessarily "approve", comrades or no....She wasn't sure but said to definitely ask the Oncologist and go from there. My poor Oncologist may curse both of them for encouraging me lol

It was nice having my family by my side today. Felt like a united front. "Mess with her, you mess with us." I could get used to that.

And then I got home and I had a package in the mail from my good friend Bridget in BC!! Yippeee! I love snail mail!! 

It is a beautiful tea mug that says:

What lies behind us 
And what lies before us
Are tiny matters
Compared to what lives within us
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And it has a breast cancer support ribbon!! And then a beautiful bird on the other side carrying a ribbon....My Silver Lining today!!

I will use it every day...

Maybe even when I allow myself a glass of wine :)