Today was the day I've been dreading, probably since I was told I was going for a biopsy. Having to talk to my two babies about my big 'C'....yuck.
Part of your role as a parent is to protect your children from harm - be it physical or emotional - where possible. Breast cancer is no cold. It won't go away in a few weeks. And its scary as hell to adults. So how to talk to your happy go lucky 3 & 5 year olds about something that makes grown men cringe?
Talk about pressure!!
While researching and reaching out to Rethink (Breast cancer organisation who specifically targets young women and women with young families) I started to formulate a way to frame the discussion so as to not traumatise the kids but also make sure they are part of the journey and don't feel we are hiding anything from them.
By talking to them we are ensuring they feel safe. Loved. Included. And hopefully, reassured.
Cause I sure as S#$@ would freak out if I thought everything was honky dory and then one of the people I loved most in the world started to lose their hair, have no energy and possibly threw up now and again. If that doesn't sound fair to an adult, how is it fair to a child? Cancer affects the whole family, not just the adults.
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In times of crisis I recommend a pedicure. (Yes, you read that right.) Whether it's that your fat pants don't fit, you're stressed out at work or yes, you have cancer and have to have THE TALK with your preschoolers....
There's always joy to be found looking down at pretty, painted toes & soft feet (don't mind my big toe bruise from my "walk/jog/walk/jog in apparent non walk/jog shoes)...or maybe I'm just REALLY vain....
Whatever the case, when I got back from my pedi, I poured myself a tea, called the kids to the living room and we sat with them. I sat on the floor so I was at their level (not too much of a stretch given I'm vertically challenged at a whole 5 feet tall...)
And then we told them.
"We have something important and maybe sad to tell you. Do you know what important means? (basically yes from their long winded responses lol)
"Mommy's sick....(they both looked at me)
...the disease I have is called Breast Cancer. It's not like a cold. You can't catch it from me. And nothing you did caused this. It wasn't Mommy's fault. It wasn't Daddy's fault. It wasn't Ethan's fault. It wasn't Emmy's fault." (Emmy piped in "and not Daisy's fault...lol) People can't make this happen to other people.
Do you have any questions so far?"
Emmy: Yes. You could sleep with my unicorn tonight cause when I have a bad cough I hug it tight and then it makes it go away.
I smiled and kindly told her that the unicorn would make Mommy feel better, but that it would not make the cancer go away. Only doctors with special medicine could do that.
Before anyone wonders how I kept it together for that question - I had read about their "magical thinking" in this age group so was anticipating something like this. I'm glad she asked cause it gave me the chance to dispel the notion.
By this point Ethan took off to play (a cue that he was done taking in the all the info)
We spoke a while longer to Emmy about cancer being bad cells that are not nice to good cells (kind of like bully's) and how we were going to the doctors on Monday to find out what kind of medicine I needed.
I mentioned it may take a long time for Mommy to feel better. And that it wasn't a secret and she could talk about it to whoever she wanted.
We asked her to tell us what we told her.
"Mommy's sick. She needs special medicine from the doctor to get better. And there will be appointments and people taking care of us"
This last point we had not mentioned. So anyone who thinks you can keep this from kids - you can't.
We reassured her that yes, there may be appointments and I might have to go to the hospital but that they will always be taken care of. I also told them who would take care of them so there is no unknown.
We all know how I feel about "unknown"....
We also talked about they may hear people say scary things to them about Breast cancer and if this ever happens to talk to us so we can make sure it's the right information.
We covered off a few other things, but in all it was maybe a 20 min conversation. Phil and I were calm, cool and collected (my Inner Ninja had this once again) and I hope they took their cues from us. This is NOT something I want them to internalise. It will be a free and open conversation any time they want to talk about it or how they feel about it.
At lunch time Emmy piped up again "we have to eat healthy to get better". Guess the influx of veggies was not lost on her either lol
Already I'm relieved I can tell them Monday is a doctor's appointment. It felt like the last step holding us back from moving forward as a family. Now we can openly support them and have open dialogue when they need it. I think alot of people disagreed with me talking to them.
But I feel 150% in my cancer free bones that it was the right thing.
Funny how something you initially dread could turn into a Silver Lining...
To top it off one of my good friends Bobbi dropped off what I call my Organic Sleep Aid Kit: organic David's sleepy tea (yummy!) sleep CD's and a book about growing through adversity.
All amazing!!!
I love my friends :)
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