July 6, 2015
With the genetics test done, we did what has come naturally when facing a scary unknown – we headed out towards the mountains. We went to our trailer which was at Sandy McNabb, in Kananaskis, that very night. Phil had to work the next day but I decided to go out early and he would meet up with us the next night.
It was the perfect way to put the test out of mind.
He came out to help us get settled. Once the kids were in bed, and
Phil had left, I relaxed in my bed with a nice book and read until I fell asleep.
The next morning I was awoken early by Ethan.
“Mommy?.....Mommy?....there’s a big animal eating trees outside!”
My eyes flew open and I got out of bed and went over to his bunk…sure
enough outside was a moose!! Eating the leaves off the tree just behind our
trailer! I’ve never seen a moose that close, and the kids have never seen a
moose so I woke Emily up (eventhough it was only 6am) and we watched it,
fascinated. It’s pretty amazing to be that close to wildlife. The moose
eventually moved on but it was pretty special.
I could feel the stress of the previous day start to drain away as
I lost myself in nature of the Kananaskis. The trees smell amazing and it was
so nice to be out of the hustle and bustle. Phil and his parents got there that
night and we had a great weekend! It was smoking hot and eventually we found a
water spot off the highway to go put our feet into and get some great pics. We
even saw a skunk one night running through the woods beside our trailer!! I’m
glad we didn’t get an up close and personal visit from him!
That is the most animals we’ve seen in one trip and it was perfect
timing. It reminded me that although we can’t see what the future will bring,
there is good with the bad and I hoped it was an omen that good things were to
come. I briefly wondered if it was a sign from my Dad that he was watching out
for me and sending me some peace in an unexpected way after the stress of the
BRCA test. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it.
That week was the start of Stampede. Last year I had just had my 4th chemo
and couldn’t really do too much stampeding, although my girlfriends (and Andrea my sister in law) threw me a surprise Stampede party at the pub by my house. This year I was
able to go to my work Stampede party.
Honestly, I was pretty nervous. I was
going back to work in a few weeks, and although I had some hair, it was still
pretty short…and grey!! Every stampede I’ve always worn pigtails. Even when I
was bald I had my wig that I put in pig tails. This year it was 30plus degrees
so way too hot for my wig (or my boobs!). I kinda felt a bit naked going just
as myself. Before when I visited work I was “sick” and in treatment so the expectation
was I would look different. But now I was done and close to coming back and I
was suddenly very self conscious.
Thankfully I ran into Roger and Ty as soon as I got there, which
put me at ease a bit. I didn’t two step because to be honest I didn’t have that
much courage (or maybe not quite enough to drink…) And I didn’t have my Two
step partner Liz…(next year Liz!!) But I have to admit although the tent was
jam packed, and my co-workers were all around – I kinda felt like I was all
alone.
So I went to get a drink.
As I was waiting in line, I noticed the woman ahead of me without
any hair showing under her cowboy hat. I was trying not to stare but I
recognise the bald treatment look anywhere, and I so badly wanted to reach out
to her, but wasn’t 100% sure she was in treatment. I finally tapped her on the
shoulder and said:
“HI! I’m sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if you were
going through treatment?” (ha so much for small talk – I blame the few beers I
already had in me…)
She looked a little surprised then said “yes I am”.
I then told her how I went through treatment last year and
discovered she was also going through treatment for breast cancer. She was a
few rounds in and feeling so so.
I told her I was bald as a ping pong ball last year then showed
her my hair so she could see how much it had grown and told her I too went out
for Stampede last year too and tried not to let treatment get too much in the way of
life. I told her I was doing well and that I was getting stronger all the time
and not to lose hope. That it might feel tough in the middle of chemo, but that
I promised it would get better. I also told her about Wellspring in case she
hadn’t heard about it. She was a sweet lady and as she went back to her
friends, I wondered if it was another sign from my Dad to remind me how far I’d
come in a year – because she looked just like I did a year ago. And she had the
same fighting spirit.
What I didn’t expect was the comfort she offered me without even
knowing it herself…
I suddenly didn’t feel alone...
“Want to go a little further? There’s a coffee shop a little ways
away we could go to to get something to eat then turn around there?”.
“How far?”
“About 15 minutes or so”
So we carried on. We came up to the turn off for the Tom Baker
Cancer Centre. I started to grin from ear to ear.
So many times in the last year we have driven from our house to
the Tom Baker. Appointments. Chemo. Radiation. It was usually a drive filled
with trepidation. Now I was on my bike… we had basically covered the same
distance, if not a little more, and my heart was fit to burst with joy!! As I
looked at the sign in amazement, the symbolism was not lost on me. Neither was
it lost on Phil. This was a game changer moment for me. I did it. I really did
it. The Ride to Conquer in August suddenly seemed just a little less daunting.
As we got to the coffee shop a few minutes later he told me
casually “you know, if we go just down there and around the bend, like 5
minutes, we’ll be at Wellspring….”
“Really??? We’re that close?? Ok let’s go!”.
He followed me as I took off, determined to get to what had been
my refuge during treatment. As I came around the bend, I had a smile plastered
across my face and tears in my eyes. We snapped some pictures. Then we
biked back to that little coffee shop (perhaps now my favourite coffee shop ha)
and had a well earned mocha. I savoured every drop. It kinda felt like a victory
drink. I knew I still had to bike home, but the way I was feeling I figured the
joy would get me 90% there.
The last 5k or so I started to run out of steam. Phil encouraged
me the last few kilometres. I hadn’t eaten much and that was a long ride…as we
got to the van I looked at Strava…
Holy cow 75.8k!!! My longest ride yet. Also my most
emotional ride…
And I think my favourite ride…(or at least tied with our first One
Aim Team ride…)
Yoda once said “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
I’m glad we did.
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