July 20, 2015
I was a jumble of emotions coming back to the office, but it still felt like a step forward. Towards “normalcy” if that even exits. It was nice to be doing something many people do. Go to work.
No chemo. No radiation. No surgery. No scary appointments. No scans.
Just work.
It was mentally taxing, and after only 4 hours I was yawning like I had just worked 18hours straight. But I was told to expect that. So I wasn’t concerned.
The systems and screens I used to fly though I didn’t even touch because I was a bit too overwhelmed with just setting up my computer and ensuring I had all the programs I needed etc. But for a few hours I was lost in a world that had absolutely nothing to do with canser. It was kind of nice.
For the first time in a long time, I felt productive. When I was at home my anxiety took over, making me feel too overwhelmed to do anything productive. At work I didn’t really need to think. There was a list of things that needed to be done or set up – so that’s what I did.
I’m in that weird period of trying to figure out who I am now. Lots of me is the same. Lots of me is different though too. What I want to stay different, and what I want to stay the same is not clear. I’m hoping being back at work will help with that.
It was definitely a step away from my canser life, and a step towards my pre-canser life. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Good I think.
As I was driving away from the office, I put my Warrior play list on. I found Rachel Plattens Fight Song and turned it up loud. I sang at the top of my lungs all the way home.
My chemo brain is pretty bad, I was tired and I kinda felt out of the loop.
But I’m back.
Well, I’m back.
I was a jumble of emotions coming back to the office, but it still felt like a step forward. Towards “normalcy” if that even exits. It was nice to be doing something many people do. Go to work.
No chemo. No radiation. No surgery. No scary appointments. No scans.
Just work.
It was mentally taxing, and after only 4 hours I was yawning like I had just worked 18hours straight. But I was told to expect that. So I wasn’t concerned.
The systems and screens I used to fly though I didn’t even touch because I was a bit too overwhelmed with just setting up my computer and ensuring I had all the programs I needed etc. But for a few hours I was lost in a world that had absolutely nothing to do with canser. It was kind of nice.
For the first time in a long time, I felt productive. When I was at home my anxiety took over, making me feel too overwhelmed to do anything productive. At work I didn’t really need to think. There was a list of things that needed to be done or set up – so that’s what I did.
I’m in that weird period of trying to figure out who I am now. Lots of me is the same. Lots of me is different though too. What I want to stay different, and what I want to stay the same is not clear. I’m hoping being back at work will help with that.
It was definitely a step away from my canser life, and a step towards my pre-canser life. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Good I think.
As I was driving away from the office, I put my Warrior play list on. I found Rachel Plattens Fight Song and turned it up loud. I sang at the top of my lungs all the way home.
My chemo brain is pretty bad, I was tired and I kinda felt out of the loop.
But I’m back.
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