Every Rose Has It's Thorn

June 21, 2014

So Wednesday was a good day. No, it was a great day. Although it was also bittersweet. 

It started out with a nice walk with my Mom and Daisy. Then my mom treated me to a Second Cup mocha - it was only half sweet but it was Divine....My taste buds were in a frenzy! I love my coffee and giving it up has been tough so when I allow myself one now and again it's heaven...Then off we went to the airport to pick up my best friend since we were 5. That's 30 years of friendship. And we're only 35!

That is not something you see often. Kimmy and I have now been apart longer than when we lived in the same town. Our friend Jo, who lives in Australia, is also part of us - the 3 of us met in kindergarten and have stayed close since. Ya, sometimes we go months without chatting. But when we get together, or call or text it's always the same - like no time passed. And there's lots of giggles, and laughs and maybe a snort or two. And God help anyone within hearing distance - which probably encompasses as far as China - cause we get kinda loud...and maybe a bit screechy when we're together. I think all 3 of our husbands probably have hearing damage from being in the vicinity of our reminiscing lol.

I love them both with all my heart.

So going to pick up Kimmy was like the icing on the cake. We've been through alot together. Kimmy's Dad passed away 12 years ago. He was 52. Heart Attack. It was awful for Kimmy's family. I was in Calgary and felt helpless. Her family has been like my 2nd family and vice versa. Her Mom beat breast canser in the 90's only to have it come back 6 years later. And she lost her long, hard fight right after Phil and I got married. That was worse. Kimmy lost both her parents and she wasn't even 30. It was a tough time (understatement). Then a few years ago her hubby Steve lost his mom suddenly. They are both such great people but have had more grief in their young lives than most people.

So I was worried when I had to tell Kimmy about my diagnosis. But although she was upset about it, she rolled with it and got me all my valuable nutrition info and has been by side (even from Toronto) every step of the way.

So at the airport I was ecstatic. When she walked through the doors, it was right into my arms. And my heart was light. Things are always better when we are together. And knowing she was coming to my surgeons appointment was an extra bonus. 

And find out my fate. 

Would it still be 8 treatments or could I just do 6? And what would surgery look like...all these thoughts and questions bounced around in my head. I was finally going to get an idea about my options. I was nervous.

So we entered and I kinda felt like a star with my entourage. The 4 of us shuffled into the little room and waited for the surgeon. It brought me back to the very first appointment on this crazy journey when I was sitting on this same bed terrified cause I had just been diagnosed a week earlier and was waiting for a surgeon.

This time though I was sitting there braver than the first time. Chemo, even just 3 rounds, will toughen anyone up. I felt almost like a different person than the first meeting. But I still had my steely resolve - that quiet strength that gets you through the scary or tough moments. And my 3 support people sitting across from me (my Mom, Phil and Kimmy).

A (different) student came in. This time my Mom and Phil didn't ask him anything lol. He asked general info. Told us tumour had reduced more than 50% (we hadn't yet heard any actual numbers) I told him I"d like to determine if we could do 6 or 8 rounds of chemo, find out what surgery options might be and timing. 

He asked if he could examine me. After a few minutes of him looking for the lump, I asked if he wanted Phil to show him where it was (ha Phil is now "lump locator specialist") Phil kinda thought he found it. Student felt same spot.

"Well, I feel a peck muscle...but...."

I laughed.

They never did find it!! So since the ultrasound on Friday it may be even less now! Then he checked my lymph nodes and couldn't feel them at all! 

If they would have had "satisfaction reviews" for medical students like they do for sales associates he would have gotten a great one from me lol.

So he left and then he and my Kinda Handsome Surgeon came in a short while later. He was just as calm and cool as I remember. Think the hero worship may be back in full swing lol.

Kinda Handsome Surgeon: "So things are going well!"
Me (grinning from ear to ear): "yes!!"

I asked him about numbers on ultrasound. He told me going into chemo the tumour was at 5.2cm. On Friday the lump was measuring 1.5cm!! Phil has since done the calculation and that is 28% of original size!!! I was thrilled. And now that the student couldn't find anything or feel lymph nodes...awesome chemo is obliterating the canser....I now think its a real possibility that when they go in for surgery I may be that "best case" of there being nothing left (no canser left) to remove which is what I've been visualising and expecting...

But its still a bit crazy!

Sadly the meeting was bittersweet. Yes, Kinda Handsome confirmed he would recommend 6 rounds of chemo. Based on the canser reaction the surgeon feels 8 is not necessary.

I asked what the research shows for more chemo vs less long term. He said that more isn't better if its not needed. Music to my ears...He said he always leaves surgery flexibility for 6 or 8 rounds. So him getting surgery time at the hospital is not a factor in my treatment. Which is amazing cause although I've been tolerating the treatment it's definitely not a walk in the park. It's a mental challenge going into each one. And physically its a process too. 2 extra rounds may not seem like much to the docs, but I was thinking "then you do 2 rounds and tell me its no big deal".

So my oncologist has final say but he seemed to just want to confirm with surgeon, so I feel confident 6 rounds it is. 

So my last chemo will be Aug 12. I had to restrain myself from doing a happy dance in the office.

Now for the bittersweet part. 

My main goal, aside from beating this canser, is to do whatever I can so it does not come back. When Surgeon asked me about my main goal, that's what I told him.

"I don't want it to come back. So let's do that".

So he said I have two options for surgery.

1. Breast conservation. that means they would take all the margins where the tumour was. So more than a lumpectomy. But not full mastectomy.

2. Full mastectomy of my right breast. That means removal of complete breast.

I asked for both options what was the chance of recurrence. He explained that with breast conservation it's 8% chance and full mastectomy is 5% chance.  Either way would be a 6 week recuperation time and an overnight stay in the hospital.

Each year moving forward adds another half percent. So as time moves on the chances increase. This is another shitty part about getting canser young. 

Then I asked him about my left canser free breast. What the chances of canser going there are. He said the stats are hard to pinpoint but about 20% of women who have had breast canser will develop another cancer in their other breast. By having a mastectomy of that one, it reduces the rate by 90% (of the 20%chance) so would lower the risk to 3-5%. If you keep in mind my age (35) and think each year moving forward could add a half percent, in 20 or 40 years that is not such a small number. I don't want to go through this again so anything I can do to lessen that chance, I will.

I then asked him what he would recommend (through all this he never mentioned his opinion) He handled this question so well. No pressure. Told me that I had to keep in mind he had different thoughts, feelings and experiences than I did (which is why I wanted his opinion) He said cause of my (young) age, how aggressive the canser is, and how big the tumour got he would recommend doing the most I felt comfortable with to reduce the future chance of it coming back.

So, if I was comfortable with double mastectomy, that's what he'd recommend. (since that would leave me with lowest chance)

He was so good. He never even brought up a double mastectomy - I was the one asking him about it. He also told me nothing was was written in stone. I don't have to decide now. And once i do decide, I can change my mind right up till the day before surgery.

Also, if I wasn't sure about a double, I could do the right side and then when it comes to time for reconstruction (about a year or so wait list - could be longer cause i didn't want to do it at time of surgery to remove) he could remove the left one then. He said it's never a shut door on surgery options.

He basically took all pressure off. He is an awesome surgeon. Surgery will be early to mid sept - usually about a month after your last chemo round. 

Although it's not "official" and I still have lots of time to decide, I know what the right decision for me is. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I have to live with it.

My whole life my boobs have been part of my identity. I was teased since I was young and they are often a topic of conversation (or joke!) cause I have been busty since like grade 5. I never loved them. I thought about getting a reduction. But I never thought I'd lose them. I don't know if its something anyone prepares for until you're told "it's breast canser" and it becomes a possibility.

When I was first diagnosed, I was scared of them. I dreaded showering cause I was afraid of the change in the right breast and I didn't want to see or feel the lump (which at first I couldn't). After a few weeks I decided it was silly to be so afraid of them and started to make myself look at them no differently than I had before diagnosis. This took some time - and it had its rough parts (like when you could see the tumour when I layed down)  but I got to the point where I once again looked at them neutrally.

After Wednesdays meeting, it's changed how I view them once again. Now I look at them tenderly.

Cause soon they will be gone.

Both of them.

It's my best shot at living canser free, so its the right decision for me. It's the easiest and hardest decision I've ever had to make.

Who will I be without them? Once I'm boobless and bald I'll be stripped of the two biggest qualities that made me feel womanly. How do you prepare for that?

I cried the other night for a long time. Like left a puddle on Phil's chest. Body shaking sobs. Ug.

I could do reconstruction at the time of surgery. But I've heard some bad stories about the immense physical pain involved. Aside from that, I need time to mourn  my breasts. And to be OK without them. Right now I can tell you that feels like a tall order. Can I ever be OK without them?  

I also need that time to accept me for me. As I am. So when it comes time for reconstruction I"m ready for it. And can happily accept it.

But the thought of being a year (or more) without boobs seems like an eternity to me right now.

There are so many acts and decisions you must do/make along this journey that have the ability to make you stronger. 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Yes. Cause these decisions are heartbreaking. And the only one who can decide is you. Another lonely path no one else can walk for me.

I'm starting to understand why everyone I've met in this canser club are so amazing. You almost have no choice but to grow from the experience. How can you make the choices you have to, and not grow?

So it's probably a really good thing I'm going to see a counsellor from Tom Baker on Tues....I think we'll have alot to discuss in the coming months.