Oh What A Week...

June 13, 2014

(below taken from The Optimism Revolution on FaceBook)

Have I mentioned how much I hate nausea? Like with a passion. Chemo day this time wasn't great. It started out great. I took Daisy for a run at 6:30AM.

But I couldn't shake the negative nauseous association from last round. I tried visualisation. I tried talking up a storm (surprise I know...). Going on Facebook. Nothing distracted me enough. After the first drug I could feel my stomach turning. Ug.

It was probably what they call "anticipatory" nausea - that's where the mere thought of the nausea to come causes you to be nauseous. Not exactly the kind of "mind over matter" I was hoping for lol.

But this time I had my "as needed" nausea pills with me and didn't hesitate to take one. I even had a ginger ale (at the hospital). Me. I haven't had anything other than water, tea and smoothies (and the very rare beer or glass of red wine) It was kinda surgery. But it helped settle my stomach.

I hate the nauseous days cause its challenging staying positive when you feel so wretched. It came in waves those time but those "as needed" pills helped.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I kept second guessing the "good" idea of dosing me with a neut count at 1.4. I kept hearing the nurse say from that 1st round of chemo when she was explaining how counts come into play and "anything under 1.5 we don't dose cause it can be fatal". What's worse is I had been keeping it in for a few days cause I didn't want to scare or upset anyone else. I  know, but in the moment it seemed like my own burden to bear. 

And I was also upset that if next round my counts drop again that chemo will be delayed and that will screw everything up. Apparently when I feel bad beating myself up comes easily.

Good news is the ultrasound is today. I will call my Kinda Handsome Surgeon after and hopefully get in so we can talk strategies. I'm so hoping he will agree with 6 rounds (total). I think if its still 8 I'll cry. 3 more rounds seems much more tolerable than 5 more. At least today it seems that way to me.

However, the next round , if I'm only doing 6, will be the D drug in FECD. The one everyone keeps telling me is "harder on the body" than the current cocktail. Including the nurses. I really wish they wouldn't do that. I guess they have to prepare you, but if you keep telling someone its going to be bad, guess what's gonna happen? So if its only 6 I'll be nervous for the next round cause its a new drug. That they've kinda been scaring me about. And it'll be that beastly "unknown" again since the first time you have no idea how your body will react. I hate unknown...Fun fun.

Oh and I asked about the watery eyes and sore forearm - all side effects (and no no blindness lol). Not much I can do about it (nails on chalkboard again). Nurse said I could try Claritin if it's a real pain. But I think I prefer watery eyes vs. putting more drugs into me. I'm kinda sick of drugs in my system. As for my arm, I may start putting a 2lb weight on my wrist when I run on that arm to try go strengthen it. Nurse figures my right arm is probably stronger with bigger veins cause I'm right handed. Hence my idea to (gently) try to strengthen my left. What is it going to hurt to try? I'll listen to my body. As always.

I have to say - this whole experience has really tuned me into my own body. You don't realise how disconnected you can become. With chemo, the exercise, the side effects - it makes you pay attention. Which can be daunting when you feel pain but its nice to be aware of your body and coming up with some intuitive ways to help it. None of which have made things worse. I'm glad cause it's nice to have some level of confidence in what you're doing. Cause most days I feel like I don't have a clue. So I'm learning.

My next post is going to be all the good stuff from last week and this week - need to focus on my blessings , not the negative. I have to much to be grateful for and remembering that always helps when I 'm feeling down. So it should be a perky one...although there's been some pretty touching stuff so I can't guarantee a few tears...but the good kind ;)