Dec 2, 2014
Well, the radiation prep was no problem. As I thought I might, I wondered what was in store for me. After about 4 weeks of rest from any active canser care, here we were back on the all too familiar road to Tom Baker. My 'focused' self was back...my only thoughts were for the the prep.
We parked and walked into the elevators to go down the basement. Radiation is kind of a freaky thing - at least to me - and I found it a bit unnerving that the radiation units are in the basement. Basements are tied to spooky childhood memories of shutting off the light and running up the stairs while feeling like "they" were chasing you. And in movies it's always bad news when the characters go to the basement to "check out that noise". Now here I was going to the bowels of the hospital to get prepped for the part of my treatment that made me the most nervous.
Thankfully it's quite well lit and looks just like the other floors of the hospital and all the docs, technicians and nurses there have the best beside manner! There are even windows on one side where you can also walk outside and have quite the view. We checked in at the front desk and were given directions on where we had to go.
"Once you get there, put your canser card in the holder on the wall, and sit in the chairs. Someone will come get you..."
Ok.
I've had a CT and a few x-rays so the CT scan wasn't worrying me....but there were those pesky tattoos....
Anyways we sat and just as she had told us, a man in scrubs came to get me and showed me where to change - from the waist up - and then told me to go back and wait till someone came to get me.
Phil held my hand as many thoughts tumbled around in my head. Bigger thoughts than just the tattoos...
How far I had come and all I had endured so far. How I was really going ahead with radiation even if it scared me. How this fear was different than chemo but similar in some ways. Wondering if I was making all the right choices and if anyone knew 100% in their heart before they started if it was right for them. How I was entering another bit of unknown...
And then the same guy came back and got me and took me to a (relatively) small room with a machine that was similar to the "needle in the boob" sentinel node biopsy machine. There was a "bed" that I had to lay on my back. They got me comfy and then because of my foggy brain I can't remember which they did first...the tattoos or the CT...For the CT scan they had me put my arms above my head (while laying down) holding onto 2 handles that were above my head. They put cushions on either side of my elbows so my arms were resting and comfortable. They they left the room to take the scan. They told me I could breath normal but to be sure to lay very still. No IV's or needles (hooray!!) so it was fine. Maybe a tiny bit of apprehension because they were taking a scan...and what if they saw something new? But that thought passed quickly and I just closed my eyes and tried to visualise I was elsewhere. Like a beach...with hard ground...that wasn't that hot lol
The tattoo part wasn't too bad. I had to get 3. I was still laying on the bed and both my arms were removed from the gown which was lowered to my waist. My arms were still above me and I saw the technician holding the needle and a small blue vile. He came towards one side where one of my drains was previously and quickly pierced the skin with his small needle and in a blink it was done. I didn't feel a thing. My skin there was still numb from surgery. It takes time for the nerve endings to regrow (and some people don't ever get all the feeling back) so hooray for slow growing nerve endings! Cause when he went to do the middle tattoo, which is about 6 inches or so above my bellybutton, I was NOT numb and although it was quick, I defiantly felt it! It made me a bit nervous for the next one, on the other side where my other drain was previously. But I didn't feel anything on that side either...
After checking me over he decided he needed to touch up the middle (sensitive!) one cause it was hard to see. Now that I was expecting 'feeling', it wasn't bad. I had marker on me too - kinda looked like Ethan got into markers while I fell asleep and drew a treasure map with a few X marks the spots ha ha. It maybe took 15 minutes total from start to finish for the CT and tattoos! They are very efficient.
Even though it was minor stuff, I was very happy to be done. Every step propels me forward. Each step counts. I was one step closer to being done treatment.
Next on the agenda was the radiation class. Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Kelly didn't go to hers and she has been faring quite well through her treatment. Would ignorance be bliss?
I was already nervous about getting radiation. What if this class scared me more? My first appointment with my radiation oncologist was sobering. It was also chemo week so I know that may have tainted what she told me. But it made me wonder if this class would be full of stats and information I didn't want to know.
I didn't share any of this with Phil. We were scheduled to go and regardless of what else they covered, they would go over skin care and side effects, which was information I needed. Not just for me, but to ensure Emmy and Ethan were prepared as well. There's lots of stuff on this road I haven't wanted to do, but I've done it anyways. This was another one of those things.
And anyways, since when has running away from your fears ever helped?
I also reminded myself that thus far, information has (mostly) been my friend. It's usually helped alleviate fears, not compound them.
So we entered the presentation room and took a seat near the front. Here we go...
And it was all good. Nothing too scary. Just went over how the treatment works, where it is and then into skin care. There's a cream called Glaxal cream that they told everyone to get. I'll have to put it on 3-4 times a day everyday till treatment is over. Nothing with perfumes etc is allowed on the skin and they recommended Dove soap to clean the area...I've never been a Dove fan so I'll pick up some unscented Rocky Mountain soap instead. And I am sure I won't like the ingredients in the Glaxal cream but everyone I know used it so for once I will just use it. I honestly wouldn't trust anything else unless someone who went through radiation in the same area as me used it and found it worked well.
The thing is your skin can redden and blister from treatment. They also talked about if you develop any "open areas" how the nurse can show you how to dress it with a Glaxal bandage...I didn't ask what "open areas" means but it sounds awful. I pictured an open, blistered wound in my mind...and quickly banished the thought.
Radiation is similar to chemo in the sense that as you go along the effects can show and worsen and they "peak" 7-10 days after your last treatment. Fatigue is big and the main side effect. Also, the skin changes mentioned above as well as skin discolouration, tenderness or irritation and peeling.
Exercise is supposed to help and the more rigorous the exercise, the more it helps. So I'll have to go in with the same mindset as chemo - no matter how tired I am, I gotta at least walk. If even the docs are saying it, then to me it's part of treatment.
As we walked out of the room, I tucked all these bits of info away in my brain. Now was not the time to focus on radiation - I wasn't starting till December 29 and we were only Dec 1. There would be plenty of time to make a plan. Today I was at my limits with info and prep work. I put all the info in a part of my brain, closed the door and locked it. The key was tucked safely away till I needed it.
Now I got to look forward to getting the kind of fake boobs that were instant and needed no surgery (or recovery...aren't those the best kind??). I was curious. And excited. Maybe Phil was too? I was wondering what it was all about so I can't imagine what was going through his mind lol.
At Compassionate Beauty we were greeted as usual and brought back to a room with a small wall full of hanging bras and another wall full of boxes...like shoe boxes. Complete with sizes! The lady looked at Phil and after we introduced ourselves said "well I think you're the first man to come with a woman for a fitting".
I wondered if maybe it was cause other women preferred another woman with them? Or maybe most men would be too shy to come? Then I was saddened by the thought that maybe some women were not confident in how they looked post surgery and would not be comfortable with their spouse seeing their prosthetic breasts?
If Phil had any reservations about coming, he said nothing to me. When I asked him about the appointment he only said "Sure, call and book it and we can go after radiation prep, we can go on the way home from Tom Baker."
I hoped the comment of him being the first didn't make him feel bad or weird.
When I told her a bit about what I looked like before, about reconstruction and how I wanted prosthetics that would be smaller than what I was, like a 'B' or 'C' she went right into those boxes and started looking. When she found a set, she grabbed a (rather ugly) shapeless bra, that was built more like a sports bra cause it was built for comfort, and slipped the breasts in. She looked from Phil to me and asked if I wanted Phil out of the room while I changed. I smiled and thought "I guess I'm not your everyday mastectomy patient" and pulled off my shirt.
I put the bra on and when I turned and faced the mirror, I just stared at myself. The bra was awful, the size wasn't quite right, but the woman I saw gazing back at me looked whole again. I laughed with pleasure and cupped my fake boobs to feel their weight and marvelled at how real they looked. I had gotten so used to my bare chest but in an instant I was reminded of the woman I once was. I slipped on my t-shirt and in that moment I was happy for so many reasons. I realised I had truly accepted my new body. But I could also find joy in wearing just a t-shirt without a scarf and look just like a 'normal' woman. It was amazing! I'm sure the consultant thought I was narcissistic because I just kept looking in the mirror while turning this way and that. What really made my joy complete was when I removed the boobs while she got a different (and nicer!) bra and different size prosthetics and I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my slightly damaged body. I stood a little taller and for the first time truly saw the scars that run across my chest as badges of honour. I had been through the trenches, and though I didn't come out unscathed, I was still here. I loved the idea of the prosthetics, but I didn't need them.
I can't tell you how liberating that is.
When I put the prettier bra on, and put my t-shirt back on I looked critically at the image reflecting back at me.
"Maybe these are too big. They look similar to the size I had before..."
"No, they aren't" Phil piped up....When I still looked unconvinced, he added "trust me".
I laughed. Well if anyone would notice he would lol.
The consultant tried to convince me the bra I had on was more for "when you go out for a nice evening" but compared to my Victoria's Secret and Knickers & Lace collection, this bra was just an average bra, nothing special. But it worked, and had the special pockets for the prosthetics so I was sold. I've mentioned how Phil's mom is an awesome seamstress and I'm hoping that I can go pick up a few $20 off the rack regular bras from La Senza and see if she can sew pockets in them. I do not plan on spending $80 a pop for bras I wouldn't have looked twice at before that will only be used till I get my reconstruction. Nor do I plan on wearing my new girls everyday.
Anyways, I wore them out of the store (ha like new boots!) and I even noticed how my coat did up differently with them on! I was quite happy with my purchases.
I had the perfect opportunity to give them a test drive that evening - I was meeting up with The Girls. The amazing women in my life that I have met while going through treatment who are also on breast canser paths themselves...There are 7 of us total and 5 of us were able to meet up for dinner at Earls! We were supposed to meet in November but the night we had chosen ended up being a freak snowstorm that made the roads icy and treacherous so we moved it to Dec 1.
Vanessa and Ashton couldn't make it because they weren't feeling great. But the rest of us - Kelly, Samantha, Tammy, Tracy, and I - were all able to meet up, and it was a great night! I hadn't seen any of them except Kelly since my surgery (because of the infection etc) and so normally I would have just went boobless, but I felt it was a good, safe group to wear them for the first time.
Kelly and Tracy had only met each other (and me of course) and Samantha, Tammy and I had met at the BRA event. Within minutes of meeting each other, everyone was chatting and the topics varied from chemo tips to hot flash management, to what hair products work best for the really short hair styles we will all go through. We weren't talking about canser directly, more how to get through the rough parts. It's amazing to me when you take people on this path who either have never met or only once and put them together and see how supportive and amazing they are with each other. It really was something. These ladies have only been in my life a short while, but they already mean so much.
When everyone was leaving I was about to throw out the idea of getting together again in the new year after Christmas craziness was done when I heard them talking about "when we get together again". So I offered up our house as a next get together...with everyone's family this time. By then only a few of us will still be doing chemo so that will make schedules a bit easier. It's something I am already looking forward to.
What a day!
Well, the radiation prep was no problem. As I thought I might, I wondered what was in store for me. After about 4 weeks of rest from any active canser care, here we were back on the all too familiar road to Tom Baker. My 'focused' self was back...my only thoughts were for the the prep.
We parked and walked into the elevators to go down the basement. Radiation is kind of a freaky thing - at least to me - and I found it a bit unnerving that the radiation units are in the basement. Basements are tied to spooky childhood memories of shutting off the light and running up the stairs while feeling like "they" were chasing you. And in movies it's always bad news when the characters go to the basement to "check out that noise". Now here I was going to the bowels of the hospital to get prepped for the part of my treatment that made me the most nervous.
Thankfully it's quite well lit and looks just like the other floors of the hospital and all the docs, technicians and nurses there have the best beside manner! There are even windows on one side where you can also walk outside and have quite the view. We checked in at the front desk and were given directions on where we had to go.
"Once you get there, put your canser card in the holder on the wall, and sit in the chairs. Someone will come get you..."
Ok.
I've had a CT and a few x-rays so the CT scan wasn't worrying me....but there were those pesky tattoos....
Anyways we sat and just as she had told us, a man in scrubs came to get me and showed me where to change - from the waist up - and then told me to go back and wait till someone came to get me.
Phil held my hand as many thoughts tumbled around in my head. Bigger thoughts than just the tattoos...
How far I had come and all I had endured so far. How I was really going ahead with radiation even if it scared me. How this fear was different than chemo but similar in some ways. Wondering if I was making all the right choices and if anyone knew 100% in their heart before they started if it was right for them. How I was entering another bit of unknown...
And then the same guy came back and got me and took me to a (relatively) small room with a machine that was similar to the "needle in the boob" sentinel node biopsy machine. There was a "bed" that I had to lay on my back. They got me comfy and then because of my foggy brain I can't remember which they did first...the tattoos or the CT...For the CT scan they had me put my arms above my head (while laying down) holding onto 2 handles that were above my head. They put cushions on either side of my elbows so my arms were resting and comfortable. They they left the room to take the scan. They told me I could breath normal but to be sure to lay very still. No IV's or needles (hooray!!) so it was fine. Maybe a tiny bit of apprehension because they were taking a scan...and what if they saw something new? But that thought passed quickly and I just closed my eyes and tried to visualise I was elsewhere. Like a beach...with hard ground...that wasn't that hot lol
The tattoo part wasn't too bad. I had to get 3. I was still laying on the bed and both my arms were removed from the gown which was lowered to my waist. My arms were still above me and I saw the technician holding the needle and a small blue vile. He came towards one side where one of my drains was previously and quickly pierced the skin with his small needle and in a blink it was done. I didn't feel a thing. My skin there was still numb from surgery. It takes time for the nerve endings to regrow (and some people don't ever get all the feeling back) so hooray for slow growing nerve endings! Cause when he went to do the middle tattoo, which is about 6 inches or so above my bellybutton, I was NOT numb and although it was quick, I defiantly felt it! It made me a bit nervous for the next one, on the other side where my other drain was previously. But I didn't feel anything on that side either...
After checking me over he decided he needed to touch up the middle (sensitive!) one cause it was hard to see. Now that I was expecting 'feeling', it wasn't bad. I had marker on me too - kinda looked like Ethan got into markers while I fell asleep and drew a treasure map with a few X marks the spots ha ha. It maybe took 15 minutes total from start to finish for the CT and tattoos! They are very efficient.
Even though it was minor stuff, I was very happy to be done. Every step propels me forward. Each step counts. I was one step closer to being done treatment.
Next on the agenda was the radiation class. Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Kelly didn't go to hers and she has been faring quite well through her treatment. Would ignorance be bliss?
I was already nervous about getting radiation. What if this class scared me more? My first appointment with my radiation oncologist was sobering. It was also chemo week so I know that may have tainted what she told me. But it made me wonder if this class would be full of stats and information I didn't want to know.
I didn't share any of this with Phil. We were scheduled to go and regardless of what else they covered, they would go over skin care and side effects, which was information I needed. Not just for me, but to ensure Emmy and Ethan were prepared as well. There's lots of stuff on this road I haven't wanted to do, but I've done it anyways. This was another one of those things.
And anyways, since when has running away from your fears ever helped?
I also reminded myself that thus far, information has (mostly) been my friend. It's usually helped alleviate fears, not compound them.
So we entered the presentation room and took a seat near the front. Here we go...
And it was all good. Nothing too scary. Just went over how the treatment works, where it is and then into skin care. There's a cream called Glaxal cream that they told everyone to get. I'll have to put it on 3-4 times a day everyday till treatment is over. Nothing with perfumes etc is allowed on the skin and they recommended Dove soap to clean the area...I've never been a Dove fan so I'll pick up some unscented Rocky Mountain soap instead. And I am sure I won't like the ingredients in the Glaxal cream but everyone I know used it so for once I will just use it. I honestly wouldn't trust anything else unless someone who went through radiation in the same area as me used it and found it worked well.
The thing is your skin can redden and blister from treatment. They also talked about if you develop any "open areas" how the nurse can show you how to dress it with a Glaxal bandage...I didn't ask what "open areas" means but it sounds awful. I pictured an open, blistered wound in my mind...and quickly banished the thought.
Radiation is similar to chemo in the sense that as you go along the effects can show and worsen and they "peak" 7-10 days after your last treatment. Fatigue is big and the main side effect. Also, the skin changes mentioned above as well as skin discolouration, tenderness or irritation and peeling.
Exercise is supposed to help and the more rigorous the exercise, the more it helps. So I'll have to go in with the same mindset as chemo - no matter how tired I am, I gotta at least walk. If even the docs are saying it, then to me it's part of treatment.
As we walked out of the room, I tucked all these bits of info away in my brain. Now was not the time to focus on radiation - I wasn't starting till December 29 and we were only Dec 1. There would be plenty of time to make a plan. Today I was at my limits with info and prep work. I put all the info in a part of my brain, closed the door and locked it. The key was tucked safely away till I needed it.
Now I got to look forward to getting the kind of fake boobs that were instant and needed no surgery (or recovery...aren't those the best kind??). I was curious. And excited. Maybe Phil was too? I was wondering what it was all about so I can't imagine what was going through his mind lol.
At Compassionate Beauty we were greeted as usual and brought back to a room with a small wall full of hanging bras and another wall full of boxes...like shoe boxes. Complete with sizes! The lady looked at Phil and after we introduced ourselves said "well I think you're the first man to come with a woman for a fitting".
I wondered if maybe it was cause other women preferred another woman with them? Or maybe most men would be too shy to come? Then I was saddened by the thought that maybe some women were not confident in how they looked post surgery and would not be comfortable with their spouse seeing their prosthetic breasts?
If Phil had any reservations about coming, he said nothing to me. When I asked him about the appointment he only said "Sure, call and book it and we can go after radiation prep, we can go on the way home from Tom Baker."
I hoped the comment of him being the first didn't make him feel bad or weird.
When I told her a bit about what I looked like before, about reconstruction and how I wanted prosthetics that would be smaller than what I was, like a 'B' or 'C' she went right into those boxes and started looking. When she found a set, she grabbed a (rather ugly) shapeless bra, that was built more like a sports bra cause it was built for comfort, and slipped the breasts in. She looked from Phil to me and asked if I wanted Phil out of the room while I changed. I smiled and thought "I guess I'm not your everyday mastectomy patient" and pulled off my shirt.
I can't tell you how liberating that is.
When I put the prettier bra on, and put my t-shirt back on I looked critically at the image reflecting back at me.
"Maybe these are too big. They look similar to the size I had before..."
"No, they aren't" Phil piped up....When I still looked unconvinced, he added "trust me".
I laughed. Well if anyone would notice he would lol.
The consultant tried to convince me the bra I had on was more for "when you go out for a nice evening" but compared to my Victoria's Secret and Knickers & Lace collection, this bra was just an average bra, nothing special. But it worked, and had the special pockets for the prosthetics so I was sold. I've mentioned how Phil's mom is an awesome seamstress and I'm hoping that I can go pick up a few $20 off the rack regular bras from La Senza and see if she can sew pockets in them. I do not plan on spending $80 a pop for bras I wouldn't have looked twice at before that will only be used till I get my reconstruction. Nor do I plan on wearing my new girls everyday.
Anyways, I wore them out of the store (ha like new boots!) and I even noticed how my coat did up differently with them on! I was quite happy with my purchases.
I had the perfect opportunity to give them a test drive that evening - I was meeting up with The Girls. The amazing women in my life that I have met while going through treatment who are also on breast canser paths themselves...There are 7 of us total and 5 of us were able to meet up for dinner at Earls! We were supposed to meet in November but the night we had chosen ended up being a freak snowstorm that made the roads icy and treacherous so we moved it to Dec 1.
Vanessa and Ashton couldn't make it because they weren't feeling great. But the rest of us - Kelly, Samantha, Tammy, Tracy, and I - were all able to meet up, and it was a great night! I hadn't seen any of them except Kelly since my surgery (because of the infection etc) and so normally I would have just went boobless, but I felt it was a good, safe group to wear them for the first time.
When everyone was leaving I was about to throw out the idea of getting together again in the new year after Christmas craziness was done when I heard them talking about "when we get together again". So I offered up our house as a next get together...with everyone's family this time. By then only a few of us will still be doing chemo so that will make schedules a bit easier. It's something I am already looking forward to.
What a day!
Great Day To Be Alive - Travis Tritt
(YouTube - posted by adamweishaupt81)
Always a good read, Cindy! If it's any consolation, you trying on new boobs sounds a bit like me trying on a wig...there's an element of remembering what I used to look like...and if it wouldn't be such a hassle, I might even be tempted! Quite a different mater but it just reminded me of those little narcissistic moments that we indulge in from time to time. Nothing wrong with it...and you have every right to reclaim your natural shape!
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