C Is For Compassion

May 7, 2014

BC (before cancer) I always wondered if the ladies I saw wearing all the beautiful scarves to protect their bald heads bought the scarves somewhere special, or if they were just really good scarf tiers. Kinda like those women who can come out of the shower, play with their hair for 5 minutes, and look like a supermodel.

I have never been one of those lucky ladies. All good hair days I had to fight for or it was fluke. It had nothing to do with any ability I possessed.

So I was a little worried if I lost my hair that any fancy "head dress" would be reliant on my skills (ball caps here I come!!) Now that I've been (unwillingly) inducted into the cancer club, I finally have my answer: there are places you can buy all kinds of head covers! (Phew!)

One such place in Calgary is a "store" called Compassionate Beauty. It's a place where women going through cancer treatments can find all kinds of products. They sell wigs, head covers, all kinds of mastectomy accessories etc. My mama friend Kelly has been there and told me "they are amazing". So my mom and I popped in there one day before my first chemo treatment. 

With chemo looming before me and my hair having been chopped off the night before, I had lots on my mind. Unbeknownst to me, I was feeling a little raw emotionally. 

We walked into the little shop and I noticed some men and a child reading, waiting on a couch. There were wigs and hats and all kinds of products. I tentatively glanced over what they had, thinking it wasn't a ton of stuff, while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed. A woman came up to me and asked if it was my first time in the store. When I told her it was, she said "Ok give me a minute". I was thinking "Ok....I'm just looking so hope she doesn't waste her time "helping" me since I still have hair...albeit less than 2 days ago...".

She came over a few minutes later and said "Come with me to the back. Yes, your mom too".

OK....this was not what I was expecting. Although for once I wasn't filled with dread at something unexpected - I was curious.

We go to a back room that is set up like a hairdresser. There's a hairdresser chair, a sink like at the salon and a bunch of wigs (and some mannequins - but not creepy ones lol) And floor to ceiling windows. It was a bright, airy room. She asks me to sit and then asks about my diagnosis.

This caught me off guard. I guess I was expecting the whole "ok you have cancer, assume you are getting chemo (and or surgery) so here's what we have.."

So I filled her in. She asked what kind of cancer (triple negative) and about if I specifically know what chemo cocktail I am getting (we had just come from the oncologist/cancer doctor so had all that info) She was so knowledgeable! We chatted away using all kinds of medical lingo like we were part of some secret underground cult.

It felt good to be talking to someone I didn't have to explain everything to. In fact, she explained more to me than I to her. Apparently she's been around this block a few times (I don't mean herself - I think she said her mom had breast cancer)

She asks me about my hair and if my do is what I've always had or if I already cut it. They try to get women to come in before they cut their hair so they can find wigs that most closely match what they had before. My mom pulls up some pics on Facebook (good ol Facebook) so she can see what I "normally" look like. Then she leaves to go get some wigs.

All this starts to sink in as I'm sitting in the chair, waiting. My eyes water as the toll of chopping my hair off catches up with me.

For the first time in this process, I feel like a kid without any control. I feel vulnerable and angry. And sadly, a little numb.

She comes back into the room with 3 short wigs. I kinda perk up. Must be the inner princess in me sensing some dress up about to commence. I try on a few, and although they were cute, they didn't make me look at all like me.

All I could think was "Emmy would hate it".

She can see I'm not "lighting up" (although I'm smiling). So she leaves again.

This time she comes back with a wig that is almost exactly my hair colour. Including some of the highlights. It's long. It has beautiful curls. I feel excited. And hope blossoms in my chest that maybe I won't look like a mannequin while going through chemo!

She puts it on me. And I love it! And I think "Emmy will love it". My mom takes a pic and sends it to Phil. 

I'm sold (like $600 sold...sigh...it's not cheap to be bald!)

When I ask about head coverings, she says I need a night cap and fuzzy head cover (for when its cold like camping!) and suggests getting some for the kids (she knew Emmy was having hard time with the whole hair fiasco) but that there's lots of time to buy that when the hair starts to fall out.

When she reassures me about...With breast cancer chemo in general but more specifically my drugs in particular it can start within 2 weeks but will not come out in huge chunks.

"You will never grab a section of hair and have it come out in your hand. That won't happen. You'll just shed. And shed. And shed. You'll know its started before anyone else knows. And some women choose to shave it then cause it's just so annoying shedding all the time." Guess me and Daisy are going to have more in common that I thought....

So as traumatising as hair loss can be, at least I am reassured it won't be too scary (either for me or my kids...) Although I wouldn't mind if the hair on the rest of my body would start to go. Chemo during the summer may save me lots of shaving time this summer! Which would be awesome cause the idea of taking a razor to my body and possibly cutting myself scares me a bit while on chemo. (I think I've moved from Lymph Node Fixation to Infection Fixation  - can't win lol!!)

Anyways she also told me they will take care of my head shave should it come to that. I can have as many people as I want there and I can bring whatever I want - cake, wine etc. So if I can't hold off to shave it with Kelly, I will probably take them up on it.

So heads up (HA!) on a head shaving party coming soon! (bring lots of wine)