Wigged Out

May 29, 2014

One of the things about this journey is there sure are alot of decisions to be made. With some of these decisions comes pressure.

For me a major decision was about my hair (shock!). When you have to walk the chemo path, especially as a woman (not knocking men!) you have alot of ways you can go. Like many of the decisions I've had to make, its not always easy to know what to do.

I was at first opposed to cutting my hair at all when I found out it was highly likely on my chemo to fall out. My thought was why not leave it for as long as you can. If it falls out eventually so be it. But why rush it?

But then I looked at my kids, Emmy especially, who loved my long hair, and started to wonder what was best for them.

I came to terms with the idea of cutting it shorter so it wasn't such a big transition to no hair for the kids. That first cut though was emotional. We cut it right before my 1st chemo and it was the first physical act that made things feel real. (the 3 toxins injected into me the next day took it to whole other level lol).

Emmy hated it which confirmed I had made the right choice - now she had time to get used to the idea...I hoped! She would often say "you're gonna look like a boy when you have no hair!". I laughed the first few times but then it started to hit a little too close to home for some of the fears I had about shaving it. 

What if my 5 year old was right (scary on many levels...)??? 

Then 15 days after my 1st chemo treatment the shedding started. By the weekend before my 2nd chemo I knew I had to shave it. It was getting traumatic to shower and from losing it everywhere. 

I put the idea in Emmy's head prior to camping and we talked about it over the whole weekend. 

The main initial feeling while shaving it was relief. Now I could shower without anxiety.

I had bought my wig when I still had hair. At the time it seemed far off (when I'd actually need to wear it) and a wig made sense.

Once my hair was shaved, I wanted to get comfortable in my own skin. That's why I asked Andrea to come over and take pics. I didn't want to be ashamed or hide. And the decisions up to this point have made sense.

But this week a new pressure is emerging. Partly identity crisis. I have had so many people rally behind me and my shaved head. When it comes to my canser fight, my shaved head gives me strength. It brings out my "tough" or "badass"  Cindo. Sitting in the chemo chair last treatment with war paint on my face and a shaved head was very empowering. This is a good warrior look.

But I'm also a woman. Who happens to like to feel pretty sometimes. Sexy even. My shaved head is alot of things, but I haven't gotten to 'sexy' or 'pretty' yet. It's only been a week and a half, so I know there's still time to find my 'bald sex(y) goddess' but I haven't yet. 

I stopped into my work the other day. I hadn't been in since before my 1st treatment.I was excited. Even with my bald head. 

I got there late in the day so alot of people had already gone for the day, so I only saw a few people. And once I started talking to my co-workers, I started to get self conscious the longer I was there. I realised after that I don't think I looked alot of people in the eye, and I didn't hold eye contact either. That is not like me. I had missed them so much, yet being with them looking all healthy and unchanged, made me feel like the changes in me were amplified (for said coworkers reading this - it wasn't anything you did or said - this is all me lol). 

I came home and was emotional and a bit upset. I even asked Phil if he could pick me up some red wine. He was already home but went out to get me some. I told him he didn't have to, I would have been fine without. He looked at me and said "you've never asked me for red wine, so I figured if you were asking, it was cause you needed it". Smart man... 

Having a bald head is a pain in the ass sometimes. It's a constant reminder that I'm "sick". Even when I don't feel sick. Which is most of the time. 

The next morning was when I had my wig fitting. After feeling so bad the night before, the wig was like a 180. I looked normal. Like any other person walking around. With the wig its my choice if I tell someone I have canser - there isn't a beacon to announce it for me.

So I stopped by work again (I had forgotten my water bottle and shades...I'd lose my head if not attached...I wish I could blame that on chemo or canser but alas I've always been a bit forgetful...) This time I felt happy. The wig made me feel pretty. I think a few people I don't know checked me out! At first I was self conscious, but then remembered I wasn't bald, so that's not what they were looking at.

But later that night, and today, I feel like the wig is pretending to be someone or something I'm not. So I feel torn that if I wear it, I will be letting people down by not being "warrior" Cindo. I feel torn that wearing the wig somehow means I'm not proud all the time of the fight I'm fighting. Like wearing a wig is doing a dis-service to all us baldies fighting the big 'c'. Kinda like a soldier gone AWOL.

I never thought wearing a wig or going 'au naturel' would be so much pressure. I don't know if its just me, but Kelly said she completely understood, so I'm guessing its not just me.

Today I went to my creative journaling class at Wellspring (awesome by the way!). I went 'au naturel' and wore an amazing bamboo fabric hat that's my new fav (my mama bought it for me!) I was quite comfortable.

Tonight I had a glass of wine and cried cause I was fed up with the "all canser no fun" week. I've been all over the map the last few days lol

So I sent out an SOS to some friends and an outing is in the works...I will wear the wig and get all gussied up and just be another person in the crowd. I"m not trying to hide my journey - but its nice to hang up the boxing gloves for just a few hours. Although I'm not really hanging up the gloves - by living my life I'm sending a message to canser that it's not going to stop me from enjoying the things I did pre-diagnosis. I'm kinda saying "watch me".

I'm still of 2 minds about the wig....but my hair is still falling out, so I'll have my bald head for a while yet. Lots of time to find my inner GI Jane hotness...