“Vanity is becoming a nuisance, I can see why women give it up, eventually. But I'm not ready for that yet.” Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye

May 16, 2014

Well it's started.

I'm shedding....

Up till a few days ago I wasn't sure if it was chemo related. I have always had a thick head of hair. And after two pregnancies I noticed every shower how I shed a little. Maybe a few strands. Also whenever I brush my hair. A few more stands.

But as of a few days ago (two weeks and a day after my 1st chemo treatment) I'm shedding lots. Each time I run my fingers through my hair (which apparently I do alot...) my hand comes away with a bunch of strands. Like more than a few...less than a handful ha. It was almost alarming this morning - I think there's a guinea pig's worth of hair down my shower drain...I'm finding it on my clothes. In my bed. In the bath. It's only been a few days, and already its annoying as hell.

I think it's time. Time for the "badass" look (as my friend Sharon put it) 

I'm gonna shave it.(next week)

I know alot of people may feel sad for me about shaving it. But the thing is, the original cut was more traumatising cause it was the idea of going from this to that:

 

And that's not a knock to Dani who cut my hair! She did a great job. But when you don't want short hair, you won't like it no matter what it looks like (even if your hubby has a twinkle in his eye lol) Shaving it makes me feel like I'm giving a big F-U to canser. 

"I'm taking it first".

I've planted the seed in Emmy too cause I don't think she'll like it. She didn't like the original cut but now she's ok with it. (although my hair was still "more beautiful" when it was longer lol)

It's a bit nerve wracking, the thought of it being all gone...You don't know how vain you really are till you are faced with the decision to significantly alter your appearance (well, "decision" may be a bit strong since it will be gone on its own either way...) Shaving it, for me, is a drastic change since I have pretty much had long hair my whole life.

So I'm a little scared. I try not to, but I do wonder what people will really think of me with a shaved head. I don't mean what people will say. I mean that inside voice "holy hell she doesn't look like a woman" or "she looks sick now"

Those are probably the ones that bother me the most. Not that anyone would say it (isn't it bad karma to make a canser patient feel bad?? lol) And I don't give alot of thought to it. I mean I'm fighting canser, what the hell do I care what I look like...But I guess I'm vainer than I thought cause those thoughts are there. And it does matter a little to me how I look.

And then yesterday I had another sobering thought:

What if my hair grows back white? (when it grows back it can be a completely different colour than that you had)

Jeeze, maybe it'll be good for my soul (or at least my vanity) to shave it to get me to focus on what really matters - being alive. 

Which in all honesty is my main focus. But I'm human. And I'm a woman. I'm losing my hair. And may lose my breast (s). Guess It's a bit of a tall order to not be upset about potentially losing the 2 things that make me feel "womanly" (good or bad).

Sadly on many canser journey's there is loss and mourning for parts of you (physical or mental) that will never be the same. 

However, these are part of the journey - they do not make up the whole journey. Thankfully there are way more blessings to be thankful for along this path than things to cry over. 

And I think it's important to grieve the parts (ha) you need to cause I believe that's how a person grows. And I plan on being 10 foot tall when this is all done :)

A Silver Lining: It's not just the hair on my head that's falling out....

My Ode to canser.