It Can't Rain All The Time

May 18, 2014

Anger is a funny thing. Not like funny 'Ha Ha', more like funny 'Boo Hoo'. The few times I've cried since diagnosis have usually been in frustration or anger, which for Ms Diva canser Pants manifests itself in tears...

Oh joy! (Double joy for those in my inner circle who get to witness it...)

This weekend was no exception. I was so excited to camp. Got a few raised eyebrows (which by the way is like saying "oh you're not going to make your own coffin and lie in it till The End comes? Interesting..."). But I was damned if I was going to let Alberta weather or ridiculous opinions stop me. 

'Hell hath no fury like a fiery woman diagnosed with canser being told she 'can't' or 'shouldn't' do something (esp if her name is Cindo).'

The weather improved the closer the weekend got. I think I did a happy dance every time the mm of expected rain decreased.

We drove out under a gorgeous Alberta Sky. Weather held out (as you can see from pics from previous post) till late this afternoon (Sunday). Then a black sky rolled in and the rain poured down.  And hail. And brimstone....ok just kidding about the last part but ya it came down pretty good. Then it moved on. We even had a few blue patches of sky.

Up to this point I was quite happy with myself. I kept warm. Had three Guinness between the 2 first nights (ya - I know - hard core...jeeze what am I 80??) Made sure not to "go" the whole time. Although each day the hair shedding has gotten more...intense. And annoying. And a wee bit frustrating...(oh uh) Like seriously, who needs bread crumbs to find me, just follow my trail of hair...

But all the good of the weekend was outshining my progressive hair 'situation' (which by the way, you still can't tell by looking at it)

And then that damn storm had to leave a damp, breezy evening in its wake. Oh and almost everyone I'm camping with this weekend is sick, so I was hesitant to go in the other two trailers (family with coughs in the outdoors is fine, but indoors - now we're getting into "nervous" territory when I have chemo in a couple of days...)

Also cause we were on a waitlist for the campsites, we were on the other side of the campground from where my inlaws were staying. And because everyone was sick, only Andrea and my Mom In Law could come in my trailer...

Maybe you see where I'm going with this...

So we made our way (after the storm) to my in laws spot with the 2 trailers I couldn't go into (ha I called them 'Sick Bay'). Phil got a fire going for me. Kids played. All adults got dinner ready (except me - I was desperately trying to get warm by the fire). No one would let me lift a finger - but I couldn't get warm. My frustration (with myself) was mounting. Phil and Andrea even went back to our trailer to pick up some stuff we forgot so I didn't have to leave the fire. Still my fingers were ice cold. Oh and my runny nose from a few days ago is now red and raw. So I was also contending with that while trying so hard to warm up.

And that's when I started to spiral emotionally. After having two great nights, I was finally being made to feel 'sick' by this f---ing disease. I couldn't get warm. And my only option was leaving the very people I wanted to be around to go back - solo - to my trailer, or risk catching a chill, getting more sick and possibly delay the chemo cause of it, or worse have to go to the hospital cause it developed into a fever...

I felt defeated. My eyes watered. The lump in my breast felt magnified by the lump in my throat. 

Here everyone was bending over backwards to make sure I had a good, comfortable weekend, and what do I do?

Walk with my tail between my legs back to my trailer.

It was too much.

I cried all the way back (and still left a trail of hair I'm sure - there aren't any cattails along the path but there might be Cindo tails...)

Andrea, who wouldn't take no for an answer, walked me back. She just quietly let me cry. And cry I did.

My kids couldn't have a sleepover in my inlaws trailer (cause inlaws were sick): My Fault
My nephews couldn't come into my trailer (cause they were sick): My Fault
Having everyone cook dinner and order more wood cause I needed bigger fire to keep warm: My Fault
Likely worrying Phil and his family cause I was alone (and crying - ug): My Fault.

And why go easy on myself now?Oh no, still my thoughts spiralled:

It's only been 1 1/2 months into this fight. How am I gonna hack the really tough stuff if I can't handle a camping weekend?

Why do we do this to ourselves? I was surrounded by people who love me, but felt completely alone. And guilty as hell. 

And then Andrea opened her mouth and my whole perspective changed:

"So what if you spend one night in the trailer? You came out and had two good nights - you didn't just give up and not bother trying to come out at all."

Oh. Well. Yes, she had a point. Then she left. I ate. I wrote. Then a while later I looked up and saw Ryder (nephew) and Ethan running towards the trailer. And my heart filled up. I don't know why - they weren't doing anything but running to the trailer, but the sight made me happy. And the sadness & frustration passed. Kinda like the storm.

Tomorrow's a new day. We pack up from camp. I have my pre-chemo blood work to get. 

Oh, and I'm going to shave my head (if I have any hair left...)

My Inner Ninja should be in all her glory and hopefully her 'badass' self will stick around while I adjust to my new 'badass' look. The only cry coming out of me should be a battle cry.

Round 2 here I come.