"For a little while, this is the place for us - a place of beginning things - and of ending things I never thought would end" - Beryl Markham

March 19, 2015

CANSuffer to Conquer infused my battered spirit with a sense of purpose which helped ease the sense of loss I was feeling since since treatment ended. At the same time the following Tuesday I started the Breast canser recovery program, put on free of charge to participants, by Breast Cancer Supportive Care Foundation (BCSCF). It's a 12 week program that helps you to climb out of the Survivor Void and find your (new) groove. It covers lots of great topics like nutrition, sleep (or lack there of) and stress management. Each week builds on the previous week and we even have homework! Even just 3 classes have helped me so much already.

I think sometimes when we're struggling, we forget that we can take action, and we just get stuck instead. This course basically gets you to put your money where your mouth is. You get out of it what you put in. I feel like I'm slowly gaining back control of what feels like a life spinning out of control. It's so nice to have a weekly class - where one day a week I'm expected to be somewhere with my homework completed and ready for the next week's material. I'm accountable to myself and the 10 other women participating. There is a long list of people who applied so that helps me to appreciate that I was lucky to get in and so should give it 100% of my attention.

If you have completed treatment - even a year or more out - and are struggling, you should consider applying. The women I've met have been awesome too. I don't feel alone in my loss or sadness or even joy when I'm with those ladies. I don't feel crazy for some of the thoughts and feelings I've had. It's a whole new support - mutual support. And it's great.

Because Survivorship is not easy. I mentioned how my fear of recurrence has steadily increased since surgery. Some nights when I wake up at 3AM, my thoughts start racing until I'm having a full blown panic attack. I don't usually fall back asleep after one of these scary anxious periods. My heart pounds and I can feel the terror course through my veins. The thought of my babies growing up without me is just too much to bear some nights. And every pain, or ache, my first thought is ALWAYS "could it be recurrence?" A young woman recently posted her story in a group I'm part of. She had a complete response to chemo like me (also for Triple Neg) and she had recurrence within a year. Those kinds of stories scare me in a way nothing else can.

It was nice to hear in class how others also share this fear. It seems that those further out (of treatment) seem less "all consumed" with recurrence than those of us just recently finished treatment. That was comforting - not feeling so alone in this awful feeling. But also knowing this is the worst, and it will get easier, even if it's always there.

I've tried very hard since hearing the dreaded words "you have canser" to not be a victim. I have channelled alot of that fear into anger and a defiant attitude that has led me to do all kinds of things I never thought I could. This defiance has been a huge part of my fighting spirit, and in moments of deep sorrow or extreme fear, it helps to get me through.

It is much harder though to find this defiance in the middle of the night. I'm working on it.

Two weeks after CANSuffer I had my St Patrick's/End of Treatment party. A few months ago, our friend Dave tentatively asked how we thought we'd spend this St Patricks. He wasn't sure if maybe we'd just want to have a quiet night.

But I never intended on going quietly into the night on the same weekend 1 year ago that I found The Lump.



Hell no. Meek isn't really my style...

St Patrick's has always been a love of mine and canser sure as hell wasn't going to rob me of that! So I decided we should throw a big party and welcome the New Year of moving beyond canser with courage, friends and lots of Guinness!

I don't know if Nigel was trying to one up me or trying to make the evening more memorable but on his bike ride down (from Tuscany - deep North of Calgary!) he had a nasty wipe out (it was almost gale force winds) that opened a huge gash on his knee, left gravel in his leg and side of the body...and broke his helmet!! He had a party's worth of women fussing over him but he just wiped off the blood and then happily accepted a Guinness...Guess that's how we roll on One Aim lol. And Guinness is a source of iron after all, right?? Medicinal for sure...

There were so many people who came by to celebrate with us. I only took a few pictures but it was a great time. And I think almost everyone who came brought us Guinness so now we have about a months worth or more...

We should throw St Patrick's parties more often...

I must say I was surprised by the emotion I felt on my "lumpiversary" (term coined by Phil when he brought me flowers lol). I was expecting emotion maybe on the diagnosis "cancerversary". But as the date where it all began came up - when I found the damn lump - I was taken back to a year ago and how that was our last normal night out. Before our life was turned upside down. It kinda make me feel a bit sad. We had no idea what was in store for us...

And I felt more emotional still as the days went on, as I remembered having to get the mammo and ultrasound and ultimately the biopsy. I remembered like it was yesterday, that feeling of complete terror and dread when I was waiting for the results. I'd go so far as to say those 2 weeks were one of, if not THE worst, part of this whole road. Those 2 weeks pre-diagnosis were before I found my Inner Ninja. Before the Warrior within me was born. I was, as I referred to before, "Cindo in Defcon 5 mode" and it was not pretty. It amazed me how raw the feelings were a year later...

So thank God I had our Knight's Cabin retreat to look forward to the weekend before my diagnosis "canserversary". It was perfect timing....