"That's life...you're riding high in April, shot down in May..." - That's Life by Frank Sinatra

July 28, 2015

With Sarah’s death, something broke inside. I don’t know how else to explain it. The hope I felt was gone. What’s the point of wearing pink when young women are still dying? This was a game changer for me. I didn’t know if I’d ever feel joy without it being tainted with pain. For the first time I felt cynical. It was a terrible place to be.

The next day was the day I cried all the way into work.

When I got into work, I got a text from Kimmy A. She is my childhood friend who just went through cervical cancer. She had went that morning to get the results of the scan a few weeks earlier to see if the treatment worked. Her text read:

“Hey :) I am canser FREE :D I am so relieved. "

Her treatment worked.

And in all my despair, I suddenly felt pure joy. The kind of joy I had been wondering if I could feel without it being tainted. Guess I had my answer.

Later that same day I got a call from The Ride To Conquer Cancer office…They asked me if I would consider being part of the opening ceremonies on Ride day. I was taking that in when she continued “Part of the ceremony consists of 4 survivors who walk a riderless bike across the start line to signify those we have lost, but also the hope of those who have survived. We try to get survivors who are doing the ride for the first time to do this. We got your name from your teammate, Matt Anderson, who thought you’d be interested”.

I had a huge lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes (and a few might have escaped my eyes…sweaty eyes as Nigel says…). First because last year when I watched that part of the ceremony, I was balling like a baby. And it wasn’t just me - there wasn’t a dry eye to be found…It is the most emotional part of the ceremony and is a huge honour! I was thrilled and touched that they would ask me. Secondly, Matt is a huge reason I was riding in the 2015 Ride. His story of how he signed up for the ride while his body was still thrashed from his brutal Leukaemia treatment and how he finished it inspired me to attempt to run my first 5K when I was still bald and just finished chemo.  He put my name on his flag and said he would “ride for me” (I was 5 chemo treatments in at last year’s Ride) before he even met me…so I was determined to ride alongside him as a teammate this year after completing my 5k run. He was already on a pedestal in my eyes, and now he went and gave them my name to be part of a ceremony that would ensure my first Ride To Conquer was one I would never forget. I think he’s up there with Nigel now when it comes to my hero worship ha.

I left work that day a bit dazed. And I once again wondered if my Dad was working overtime on his Guardian Angel duties, cause those 2 pieces of news could not have come at a better time.

Life in this canser world is unpredictable. It sucks. The day before I was top of the world after my big ride with my team, and then a few hours later found myself thrown into the depths of despair. And then I got the call from Kimmy A and the Ride Office, and I was back up, even if only temporarily. Ping ponging emotionally like that is so draining, and very confusing. I know life is unpredictable, but I find the “surprises” in this club are either totally awesome or heartbreaking as hell. There’s very little middle ground.

I will say though it does makes you really savour the sweet moments, because you never know what’s around the corner….