"I don’t feel that this is unfair. That’s the thing about cancer. I’m not the only one, it happens all the time to people. I’m not special. This just intensifies what I did. It gives it more meaning. It’ll inspire more people. I just wish people would realize that anything’s possible if you try; dreams are made possible if you try." - Terry Fox

Oct 5, 2015

As much as the last couple of years have been a journey for Phil and I, our kids sadly have been thrust into a world where they think its normal for people to get canser…which I suppose is not that strange given at 3 and 5 their own mother went through breast canser treatment, but it was horrifying to me. What kind of childhood is that? We were lucky though that they never asked if I could die. It never occurred to them that canser can kill. Last year we were also lucky in the sense that Emily’s kindergarten class didn’t talk about Terry Fox because they were not going to be doing the Terry Fox Run (each year the school switches the morning and afternoon class as to who will participate). This year though Emily was in grade 1 and so her class was going to learn about Terry Fox and then participate in a Terry Fox run at school. We had spoken to her teacher and knew they would talk about Terry Fox – including that he died. This made me worried about how Emily might react to this news.

Not wanting her to be blindsided in class, we decided to tell her about Terry Fox at home, the night before they were to discuss it in class. Her teacher mentioned they were going to watch a video about Terry Fox.  I was dreading the whole thing to be honest. I felt like Emily was just getting back on her feet, and I wasn’t sure how she would handle the news that canser kills. I hoped I was far enough along post treatment that she wouldn’t worry about how that new piece of info could impact her mom.

Phil was the hero. He looked up Terry Fox YouTube videos until he found one to show her. As I put Ethan to bed, he and Emily sat and watched the video together. Maybe it was cowardice, but I didn’t want Ethan to watch it. I wanted to keep his innocence intact a little longer. I didn’t want to bring death into the conversations I have with my 4 year old. Not yet. Breast canser, “chopping off boobies” (their words not mine!) and chemo were already conversations I wish we never had to have but felt we had no choice (though I think it was the right choice). But I drew the line at death (especially since it did not pertain to me).

When I was done with Ethan I made my way to Emmy’s room, where she and Phil were quietly talking. Phil told me as I walked in that Emmy wanted to talk to me. I looked at Em and noticed she had red puffy eyes. She was looking down at her hands. I could feel a lump building in my own throat.

As we talked, she told me she cried when they got to the part in the video where Terry Fox died. She said she was so sad he died and I wrapped my arms around her as she cried and tried to comfort her as best I could. I made sure she knew that had he got that canser today, he would not have died.  She started asking about my lungs and the canser I had and if it went to my lungs. I was a bit confused why she was asking and she said “well your canser was near your lungs so I’m worried it went to your lungs too” (I didn’t realise Terry Fox’s canser had come back to his lungs). I told her it wasn’t in my lungs and that the medicine the doctors gave me worked very well and that so far the doctors said I was doing well and getting strong. I reiterated that’s why I was trying to eat healthier and exercise – to stay healthy and strong and to help my body. But I hated that now another part of her innocence was gone – she now knew that canser can kill. And she knew that her mom had had canser. So did Terry Fox. And his came back….and then he died.

I haven’t gotten angry at my diagnosis very often. But I have to say I was filled with anger that my babygirl was hurting over something I had no control over. Over something that had come uninvited into our life and forced my 2 little kids to deal with stuff that is hard even for adults to deal with. And I was angrier still that I couldn’t say “don’t worry that won’t ever happen to us” because the truth was I didn’t know. I felt helpless. Feeling helpless when your child is hurting is one of the worst feelings. I focused on every positive truthful thing I could muster about our situation and just about canser advances in general. But I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t break at the tears falling down her face. I kept it together until I got downstairs then I had a good cry.

I am so very glad though that we showed it to her at home. The next day in class the teacher showed them her video and she said Emily looked upset at the part when they talked about Terry dying, but didn’t cry. Then the teacher did something I think was brilliant. Up until now “mommy having canser” was like Emily’s “dirty little secret”. In kindergarten she always wanted me to wear my wig and prosthetic breasts when attending any of her school stuff and even sometimes for bus pick up. I was fine with this. If school was the one place she was just a “normal kid” I was totally good to go along with it.

After speaking with Emily quietly first, she asked the class if anyone had ever known anyone who had canser. Emily was the only one who put up her hand. Then the teacher asked Emily if she wanted to talk about it.

And Emily did…and the other kids responded! They asked her questions and I think it made Emily feel important that her mom and Terry Fox – the Canadian hero – had something in common. The way the teacher brought it up made it safe for Emily to talk about it, and it was the perfect context. I think it gave Emily a different way to look at it too. The kids were really interested in my story from Emily and she told them about chemo and how I was bald, which the other kids just couldn’t picture. Emily actually came home and asked if we could find a picture of me bald so she could show the other kids. I couldn’t believe it – my baldness was something she hated when it came to school.  I am so very thankful for her teacher’s quick thinking. I really think it helped Emily process some of what we had gone through as a family and gave her a different way to frame it. A positive way.

The night before the Terry Fox Run at her school, Emily asked if I would run it with her. My heart swelled. Of course I would. And we did. She put my name on her bib that was on her shirt. During the Run she asked if maybe next year we could do it as a family – Ethan would be in Kindergarten and she wanted Phil there too. I thought it was a fabulous idea.  So that will become another yearly tradition – doing the Terry Fox run together.

So as it has happened throughout the last couple of years – something that I was dreading turned out to be a really great Silver Lining in the end. We now have a new family tradition, and Emily finally wanted to talk about her experience and was encouraged by both her teacher and her peers – from a person and event that I thought would make her retreat further into herself…

And as for me, watching the video of Terry Fox’s life and legacy made me see him in a new light. Since I was a kid, along with pretty much most other Canadians, I knew he had canser in his leg, started his run to raise awareness and funds for canser research, then died during it. But I didn’t really know a lot of details. Having now gone through a canser diagnosis myself, and all that that entails, my respect for him has grown a hundred fold. His physical accomplishment – what he endured day, after day, after day physically with one leg while attempting to run across the country (and I wonder what side effects he may have still had from treatment) - is nothing short of miraculous. His passion and determination resonates with me. And I hope it did with Emily too.

I’ve attached the YouTube video I watched incase it’s been ages since you read about or watched anything in detail about Terry Fox. (esp. if you’ve since been through a diagnosis.)

And prepare to be re-inspired.