Oct 21, 2014
The days following our trip to Edmonton were not great. I cried on a number of those days.
Well, Monday was Thanksgiving and we had a nice dinner at Phil's aunt's house. It was delicious and a great time. I didn't go to yoga on Tuesday cause we had 3 straight days on the go, so just wanted to take it easy at home. And my End Of Chemo party was the following Saturday so I planned on attacking the disaster that was my house.
But I think the reality of my impending surgery that hit me on the way back from Edmonton stuck around, and staying at home by myself was not a good choice. I find when I get into these "funks" it's like a downward spiral. You start with 1 "downer" thought - being boobless for a year - and then more thoughts just keep adding to it...till next thing I'll be shipped off and live in a convent after taking a vow of celibacy....
Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea.
It was a combination of sadness at the permanence of the next part of treatment, and fear at not knowing how I'll feel about my body when I wake up and also how I'll be viewed by others. Strangely none of the feelings have yet had anything to do with the idea of going in for a surgery that will take two hours...it's all been the emotion associated with the before and after.
Wednesday was Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day (BRA). I got 2 texts that day - from Kelly and Janis - asking if I was going to the BRA event at Tom Baker that night. I mentioned it to Phil and he got his parents to come watch the kids and off we went. The registration was closed online but we took a chance that we could still attend and I'm so glad we went, cause they let us in. What a night! With surgery a week away it was a bit overwhelming when they did the presentation on the different kinds of reconstruction options available along with pictures of complications. But i was so relieved to see the after pics looked like breasts - nice breasts! So I feel better about that, even if it's a year or more away...
They also explained that all the surgeons/medical personnel (nurses included) were wearing white boas, while anyone who's had reconstruction of any sort was in pink boas. You could talk to any of them and ask questions.
After the presentation Janis took me over to talk to her plastic surgeon. I was curious if I had enough belly to make two new breasts and if so, about what size? So I asked him if he could give me a rough estimate. He thought a couple sizes smaller than I am now would be possible. Kind of a bizarre conversation to be having at a public event, I know, but it made me feel alot better. Deep down I think I feared there wouldn't be enough, and since with radiation implants are not likely, I'd be stuck boobless forever...
They also had a "show and tell" room filled with women who volunteered to show those considering reconstruction their results. Before any of you think this is odd, let me assure you it's not. I have had at least 5 women offer to show me either their scars from their mastectomy, or their reconstructed breasts. Once I have my surgery, I know I too will offer the same to those I meet who come after me. It's not an expectation, but anyone I've met who's had mastectomy or reconstruction has told me when I'm ready they will show me if I want. It's that sisterhood again. We're all in the same boat. So I think you try to help how you can.I never took anyone up on it yet, so not sure if that's good or bad for my expectations for surgery.
I think though the best part of the night was the women I met. As we were deciding where to go next (after talking to the surgeon) a woman came up to me and said "I saw you getting hot flashes during the presentation and wanted to tell you I feel your pain!". Her name is Samantha and she is just finished treatments. Her journey is similar to mine - chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation. We started chatting and her hubby Ian and Phil chatted too. She had lots of good tips for my upcoming surgery. After a while, another woman I had met at The Run, Vanessa, recognised me and said hello! She was with a woman she had met at her first chemo treatment the week before, Tammy. Soon all four of us were chatting. Before they left I got Samantha's contact info. We are trying to arrange to all meet - along with Tracy and Kelly. That would be great. The BRA event and meeting the girls perked me up a bit but Thurs was another rough day for me.
By Thursday night Phil decided to take Friday off cause he was worried about me. By this point my mom had a terrible cold so she didn't want to come around in fear I'd catch it. I was not in good shape and so looking forward to my party. I didn't get much cleaning done that week so on Friday Phil and I attacked the house and got it in some sort of order. I was in better shape after feeling like we accomplished something.
Saturday was great - my End of Chemo party that I had long awaited. We had over 40 people come (and almost 20 kids in addition) from 3pm onwards. My heart was overflowing with gratitude for all these people who have helped me in a myriad of ways throughout my journey so far. I was so very happy. I've mentioned how I thrive on people, and Sat I was in my element. Emmy and Ethan had made posters for the party which we tacked to the wall for all to see. Emmy even picked up a disco ball while out with Phil. All we were missing was the strobe lights lol. I had planned on having 1 Guinness per round of chemo but I only made it to 6 and it was 11pm. I was still fine cause I was yapping so much to drink too fast.
The whole reason we had the party at home was cause Emmy asked us if she could celebrate too. The kids have been through the horrible parts of treatment so it made sense that they should take part in the good celebrations too. They had an absolute blast. Emmy even made a new friend in Nigel's daughter Ella. Who requested a playdate lol. They are only a few months apart in age. A number of people wanted to come by but didn't cause they were sick, which I appreciate. I told them not to worry cause there will be another party after surgery but before radiation. Then another when I'm done radiation. I realised its as important for me to celebrate the end of each treatment as it is for the kids. It was a really fabulous night.
Sadly by Sunday night i felt like I was riding a wave of emotion that was crashing. One minute I was resilient and feeling ready to face the next stage of treatment head on. My Inner Ninja no doubt. The next minute I'd have a "why me" moment for having to lose both my breasts so young.
Over the weekend Phil decided to take the days leading up to surgery off. I think this definitely kept me from wallowing for too long but overall my mood has been pretty sombre. Andrea even came over to do a boudoir photo shoot and she was great and had lots of ideas. She got some great shots too. But in all honestly my heart just wasn't in it. I think with time I"ll be happy for the pictures, but during I just kinda felt sad.
I did have a massage though and it was perfect. Although its the first session with my massage therapist where I didn't say 1 word. I think I woulda cried if we talked.
So tomorrow is the prep for the sentinel node biopsy. The one where I get a needle in the boob...the adrenaline I'll surely feel while getting it should rouse me outta my slump lol
And then comes The Surgery. When I say goodbye to any canser that may be left.
I've been emotional long enough.
Time for the warpaint to make a re-appearance.
The days following our trip to Edmonton were not great. I cried on a number of those days.
Well, Monday was Thanksgiving and we had a nice dinner at Phil's aunt's house. It was delicious and a great time. I didn't go to yoga on Tuesday cause we had 3 straight days on the go, so just wanted to take it easy at home. And my End Of Chemo party was the following Saturday so I planned on attacking the disaster that was my house.
But I think the reality of my impending surgery that hit me on the way back from Edmonton stuck around, and staying at home by myself was not a good choice. I find when I get into these "funks" it's like a downward spiral. You start with 1 "downer" thought - being boobless for a year - and then more thoughts just keep adding to it...till next thing I'll be shipped off and live in a convent after taking a vow of celibacy....
Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea.
It was a combination of sadness at the permanence of the next part of treatment, and fear at not knowing how I'll feel about my body when I wake up and also how I'll be viewed by others. Strangely none of the feelings have yet had anything to do with the idea of going in for a surgery that will take two hours...it's all been the emotion associated with the before and after.
Wednesday was Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day (BRA). I got 2 texts that day - from Kelly and Janis - asking if I was going to the BRA event at Tom Baker that night. I mentioned it to Phil and he got his parents to come watch the kids and off we went. The registration was closed online but we took a chance that we could still attend and I'm so glad we went, cause they let us in. What a night! With surgery a week away it was a bit overwhelming when they did the presentation on the different kinds of reconstruction options available along with pictures of complications. But i was so relieved to see the after pics looked like breasts - nice breasts! So I feel better about that, even if it's a year or more away...
They also explained that all the surgeons/medical personnel (nurses included) were wearing white boas, while anyone who's had reconstruction of any sort was in pink boas. You could talk to any of them and ask questions.
After the presentation Janis took me over to talk to her plastic surgeon. I was curious if I had enough belly to make two new breasts and if so, about what size? So I asked him if he could give me a rough estimate. He thought a couple sizes smaller than I am now would be possible. Kind of a bizarre conversation to be having at a public event, I know, but it made me feel alot better. Deep down I think I feared there wouldn't be enough, and since with radiation implants are not likely, I'd be stuck boobless forever...
I think though the best part of the night was the women I met. As we were deciding where to go next (after talking to the surgeon) a woman came up to me and said "I saw you getting hot flashes during the presentation and wanted to tell you I feel your pain!". Her name is Samantha and she is just finished treatments. Her journey is similar to mine - chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation. We started chatting and her hubby Ian and Phil chatted too. She had lots of good tips for my upcoming surgery. After a while, another woman I had met at The Run, Vanessa, recognised me and said hello! She was with a woman she had met at her first chemo treatment the week before, Tammy. Soon all four of us were chatting. Before they left I got Samantha's contact info. We are trying to arrange to all meet - along with Tracy and Kelly. That would be great. The BRA event and meeting the girls perked me up a bit but Thurs was another rough day for me.
By Thursday night Phil decided to take Friday off cause he was worried about me. By this point my mom had a terrible cold so she didn't want to come around in fear I'd catch it. I was not in good shape and so looking forward to my party. I didn't get much cleaning done that week so on Friday Phil and I attacked the house and got it in some sort of order. I was in better shape after feeling like we accomplished something.
Saturday was great - my End of Chemo party that I had long awaited. We had over 40 people come (and almost 20 kids in addition) from 3pm onwards. My heart was overflowing with gratitude for all these people who have helped me in a myriad of ways throughout my journey so far. I was so very happy. I've mentioned how I thrive on people, and Sat I was in my element. Emmy and Ethan had made posters for the party which we tacked to the wall for all to see. Emmy even picked up a disco ball while out with Phil. All we were missing was the strobe lights lol. I had planned on having 1 Guinness per round of chemo but I only made it to 6 and it was 11pm. I was still fine cause I was yapping so much to drink too fast.
The whole reason we had the party at home was cause Emmy asked us if she could celebrate too. The kids have been through the horrible parts of treatment so it made sense that they should take part in the good celebrations too. They had an absolute blast. Emmy even made a new friend in Nigel's daughter Ella. Who requested a playdate lol. They are only a few months apart in age. A number of people wanted to come by but didn't cause they were sick, which I appreciate. I told them not to worry cause there will be another party after surgery but before radiation. Then another when I'm done radiation. I realised its as important for me to celebrate the end of each treatment as it is for the kids. It was a really fabulous night.
Over the weekend Phil decided to take the days leading up to surgery off. I think this definitely kept me from wallowing for too long but overall my mood has been pretty sombre. Andrea even came over to do a boudoir photo shoot and she was great and had lots of ideas. She got some great shots too. But in all honestly my heart just wasn't in it. I think with time I"ll be happy for the pictures, but during I just kinda felt sad.
I did have a massage though and it was perfect. Although its the first session with my massage therapist where I didn't say 1 word. I think I woulda cried if we talked.
And then comes The Surgery. When I say goodbye to any canser that may be left.
I've been emotional long enough.
Time for the warpaint to make a re-appearance.
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