Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Oct 12, 2014

I don't think the people of West Edmonton Mall are used to seeing a woman with a bald head. Me, Phil and the kids came to West Ed (thanks to some financial help from my parents) for a couple of nights to get a nice break from the canser world. The kids are having a blast. But man, I haven't been stared at like this maybe ever! As gorgeous a creature as I may be, I don't think its my sensational good looks that is causing people to stare. Like the kind of staring where they watch you walk by. The first few I thought was just the normal "holy is that a bald (ish) woman"? But even Phil has noticed the stares. It's really weird to feel like the spotlight is on you after all this time. So to answer their unspoken questions, I put on my "I fight like a girl" breast canser t shirt. If I'm going to catch that much attention I may as well bring some awareness that yes, young otherwise healthy mama's get canser too. 

When we took the kids to the playplace in Galaxyland that night, Phil really noticed the other parents staring. Maybe I was used to it by then from the afternoon when we walked the mall. I often wonder if the kids notice (the stares), but they didn't say anything. Maybe they were too busy looking at all the fun stuff at the mall. 

We stayed at the Fantasyland Hotel in a Western Themed room so the kids were thrilled that their bunk beds were made up like the county jail. And they loved the hot hub in the room. We filled it up when we got back to the room and all got in. The kids giggled lots when me and Phil got in with them. 

Saturday morning we spent at the water park. Emmy is fearless (and tall enough) to do most of the slides. She and Phil did the double blue one that is as high as the ceiling and pretty much black all the way down! She wanted to go on the pink one that goes UPSIDE DOWN! But she was (thankfully) too young and doesn't weigh enough. Phil went on it and said once is enough lol. I did not go on anything too crazy. Let me tell you why.

I tried to embrace the whole "live like you're dying" (not cause I'm dying, just to live each day to fullest) attitude a few months ago when we took the kids to Calaway Park (amusement park near Calgary). See, I used to be a HUGE ride fanatic. Like the crazier the ride the better. Ask anyone who's known me for at least 10 years. One time at one of my 1st Stampede's, my friend Rory felt bad cause none of our friends would go on all the rides with me. So he humoured (pitied!) me and came on all the rides with me. After like an hour, he threw up....oooops! So you get the picture....

Many years later I'm not a huge fan of heights so I've become a chicken on anything that goes too high. Oh how the mighty fall! lol Anyways, while at Calaway and deciding to "seize the day" I went on the kids "drop of doom" which is probably 30-60 feet up. It goes right to the top, then you drop down. It does this a number of times. Normally I would not go on it. But in the spirit of the day I thought "what the hell". We got on. Ethan was beside me. He's 3. Emily (5) was on too as was Isabelle (13 - from dayhome) The first few drops were ok...Ethan was laughing his head off and so were Emily and Isabelle. They loved it. Their joy overrode my fear of heights. At first. There weren't too many people in line to get on, so the guy let us go. And go. And go. Naturally I get stuck the one time he extends the ride time. I was so happy to get off! I thought maybe if I tried another heights ride, it would help. So I got on The Swings. You know which one I mean - the swings that are attached to a merry go round looking contraption that then raises HIGH and swings you out...in little tiny seats who's only "safety" is a bar across your lap...Ya, I wasn't a fan! At all...So for me to "live like I"m dying" doesn't include anything with heights. I should add "cure fear of heights" to the list of what canser can't do ha. 

Anyways, that's why I didn't go too nuts on the high waterslides. I was eyeing the zipline that goes over the pool but after a few hours of swimming the kids were hungry and tired to we left pretty quick to feed them. There was one bad part at the pool that wasn't the stares - I didn't actually notice anyone stare at me like in the mall. It was when I fell. Me and Ethan were making our way to the kiddie pool so he could warm up. I went to step down the first of 3 (concrete) steps, when I slipped and fell hard, right on my tailbone, and kinda slid down the last 2. I saw stars. It hurt so bad I couldn't get up for like 2 minutes. In that time like 6 adults ran over to me, and I lost sight of Ethan (he didn't realise I fell down so kept walking). My pain and my fear at not being able to see Ethan grew till I was choking back tears as I tried to get back up on my feet. I had 2 thoughts run through my head:

1. Where was my son?
2. Could that fall cause any canser related issues (either directly from chemo, or due to blood counts being low) 

I didn't know the answer to either. I finally got up and slowly made my way to the kiddy pool where I found Ethan. I sat down, hugged him to me, and cried. At least if anyone stared at me then it may have been my tears rather than my baldish head. 

By dinner time I was in less pain.That night I decided to put on my heels, my strapless shirt and my make up for dinner. I held my head high as we walked to the restaurant. If I was gonna be stared at, I was at least gonna give them a sexy(ish) baldish woman to stare at. And stare they did. But maybe this time it was at the whole package instead of just the fuzzy head? I had to stop myself from winking at some of the more obvious "starers"... 

Anyways, Sunday we did Galaxyland and I let Phil take Emmy on all the crazy rides (she did an adult roller coaster that has a cart that spins as it goes around!!) I went on the smaller rides with Ethan. They really enjoyed themselves. Before we headed home we took them to the sea lion show, which they really liked too.

It was a great weekend.

I kept my eyes open but never did spot any other beautiful baldies. Maybe most other women feel more comfortable with a wig. I'm glad I have a wig, but I'm so happy I 've grown comfortable with my bald head. I've discovered a confidence I never knew existed. It makes me hopeful that I'll be able to find the same after my surgery in a few weeks. Even if it takes a while. It took a while to embrace my bald head. So I'm good with needing time to embrace my (temp) boobless body. Just so long as I get there eventually. 

On the three hour drive home, it kinda hit me that surgery is in a couple of weeks. I didn't cry but I don't think I spoke much. 

Two weeks. 

It's so soon.

Posted on YouTube by Elizabeth Vanesian..