"I like my money right where I can see it - hanging in my closet" - Carrie Bradshaw

Dec 6, 2014

Let's talk for a moment about shopping. Shopping for me has always been therapeutic - much to Phil's chagrin I'm sure... Since walking - sometimes crawling - this canser road many things feel different than before. Some things have changed forever, but some things have just simply been forgotten. After surgery I wasn't sure if shopping would offer the same "therapeutic value" it had in the past. So when my Mom and I decided to go on a shopping spree it seemed like a lofty goal. But a challenge hadn't stopped me yet, so off we went early  Wednesday morning. With my mom by my side we were determined to find at least a couple of things I could put on that would fit this new body properly - and make me feel good about what I was wearing. Armed with determination and (delicious) mochas, we were a force to be reckoned with!

I had 3 parties coming up - my office Christmas party, my One Aim Christmas party and my End of Surgery Party (AKA Well canser it's been a slice ). I was also enjoying my break from canser related treatment. I was hoping this would be a fun, "normal" day.

And I was not disappointed!!

We shopped the mall from opening till almost close (4pm) and I had a blast! We laughed lots - at the first store I must have tried on over 20 items. I tried to have the mindframe I did when I shopped for my wedding dress - you don't know what works till you try it on. That means all different styles. So that's what I did with all the shirts.

Nothing from the first store really worked - not one thing!- but instead of of getting discouraged, I learnt from it. Each shirt told me what worked and what didn't. It actually got me closer to my goal because now I had an idea of what not to look for. And a little of what might work.

We hit nearly every store in Chinook mall (no small feat!). At first I would have been happy with 1 or 2 things that we could "make work". But as we shopped I found I could be choosy as to how much I liked or didn't like something - because I had options! Lots of options!

Don't get me wrong - there were also lots of laughs because some things were just awful looking on me (no boobs isn't all glory...!) But I was thrilled with the gems we found and also relieved that I could laugh at the stuff that looked terrible.

It was a fantastic day.



I returned home tired but so happy with my new purchases. I finally had clothes that worked for this body - not ones I had to make do with from the old body, that were also a reminder of what my body once was. I didn't want to be stuck in the past - as Nigel so often says to me, "Onwards & Upwards".

There was a fashion show at home that night for Phil and the kids. Maybe my excitement was contagious cause the kids seemed as happy as I was with my new purchases. Or maybe it was seeing their mom with a bit of the old sparkle in her eye that had been missing since surgery.

I got to re-live my spree again as I took the tags off everything the next day. I believe money can't buy you happiness but it was amazing what the few items did for my outlook. For the first time since surgery I was excited to go out. Get dolled up for an evening like every other normal person. canser took a backseat for once and it felt great.

I suddenly started to look at the parts of me that bothered me the most - like my nails and lack of eyelashes - and decided to try a "make-over" on them too. Kristy and my cousin Jo's words came back to me from when I was feeling of two minds about my wig - how even warriors need to sleep and to try to look at my wig as an accessory...and I booked a nail appointment as well as an eyelash appointment (yes, for fake lashes!!). By Friday afternoon with my filed and painted nails, new make up (without all the chemical crap in most cosmetics) beautiful FULL lashes (!!), my new clothes (which included new 4inch heeled boots - Natasha I did you proud!!) and my wig - I looked nothing like a canser patient in my eyes.

I was ready for my work party, and decided I wouldn't wear my fake boobs. Like my bald head I really wanted to accept myself as I was now. I thought if I couldn't feel good without them in clothes I bought to fit my boobless body, then I never would.

Going to my work Christmas party without them was daunting and a bit intimidating. I was so nervous I hardly ate that day. It was just at an Irish pub and was just my department - who had seen me a couple times since surgery and with a bald head - so it was not a huge deal, but this was me at my best and what if that wasn't enough? What if I still looked 'sick' in their eyes? They had been so incredibly supportive all this time, but what if they looked at me with pity? After all I had been through I didn't think I could deal with looks of pity...not from my coworkers who cried when I told them about the lump all that time ago when I was scared and didn't know what the future had in store for me. I wanted them to see the warrior, the mom, the friend...not the patient. I wanted them to see that I was changed, but not damaged. Tender, but not weak.

Bent, but never broken.

Now that I was permanently different, I guess I just wanted their acceptance. Especially with the last part of my treatment fast approaching, and a return to work in my future.

I shouldn't have worried. As usual, they treated me as they always have and their acceptance was perhaps the last piece I needed to cement my acceptance of myself. I could start to let go of my old self knowing this new version of me was ok too - with friends, family and now my co-workers...

Suddenly the Christmas season seemed that much brighter...