June 9, 2015
Tamara's death took the air out of my wings. I was very harshly reminded how awful this disease is.
A few days later, I got an unexpected call.
"This is Ali, from Dr Humphries' office. Your name came up on our waitlist with Dr Humphries, if you're still interested in getting breast reconstruction. (Dr Humphries is a plastic surgeon...) We have an opening in July...."
"Yes.. I'm still interested...wow that's close!"
We booked my initial consult for July 8. She told me where their office was and that she would email me some paperwork to fill out prior to the appointment.
"We'll see you in July! Call me anytime if you think of any questions in the meantime!".
July. Wow. My initial reaction was excitement. I had my first consult booked on what may still be quite a long process. People talk of the reconstruction plastic surgeons with reverence. These appointments are usually long awaited, not easy to come by, and the first step to literally restore that piece of you that may not define you as a woman, but it can help you to feel more like one.
I've been doing great and have mostly accepted my boobless frame. But there are moments. Like the camping scarf incident (from a few posts ago). Or when I walk into a store alone and can feel the looks (or imagine I do anyways) where I do wish I had something. Later that day I texted Kelly about my news. She also had just got booked.
"OMG amazing!!!!!
"Ya, I'm glad but kinda nervous"
"How come nervous!!?"
"I think just cause it's a whole new scary phase. Another operation...more lifetime choices...I am just starting to think of work and less appointments. Maybe that's why I feel a bit anxious tonight...just kinda feels like opening new Pandora's box...And I'm sick of those!
Was it weird that I was feeling this way? It certainly felt weird. It seemed like everyone else looked forward to this appointment. What was wrong with me?
I thought about the damn pills again. The pills I wasn't yet taking...Would they help?
My Mom and Phil were happy for me about the news. I asked them both if they would come with me. Later I told Phil a bit how I was feeling, and that maybe if he and my Mom came they could be extra ears, they could take in any info I might miss. It was just a consult, so no decisions should have to be made asap right?
Then later that afternoon, maybe my Guardian Angel tried to give me a lift. I saw in Leap Magazine (for the Alberta cancer Foundation) that they had run a story on me from my interview a few months back! When I was interviewed about my connection to One Aim and my plan to ride in The Ride To Conquer cancer this year, I didn't know if when the time came they would choose my story. So to see it there, online, and then in the actual magazine was pretty cool. You can take a peek if you are curious - it's not very long:
Cycling with One Aim
I was thrilled they would think so much of my story that they were interested in sharing it. Of course when it comes to my team, I can talk all day.
A few days after that, my childhood friends Kris, Kimmy A and Ange surprised me by walking in the Relay for Life (benefiting the Canadian cancer Society) They walked all night and had my name on one of the lanterns they light up the walking path with! I cried when they posted the pic. Opa was there too participating (he's my friend Kris's Great Grandpa who shaved his head for me when I had to shave mine while going through is own prostate canser treatment...) To be honest, it was the best reminder of the "good" side of canser - that people do care, and are prepared to go to all kinds of lengths to try to make a difference. Kimmy A just went through her own battle with cervical canser. She had to endure chemo and radiation - at the same time. I didn't post about it as she was not quite as vocal as I was about her journey online lol Not everyone is...At the time of the Relay, she was awaiting her last scan to see if the treatment had worked. We may be half a country apart, but my childhood "family" were close to my heart that night....They gave me that extra lift I was very badly needing after an emotional week.
Monday morning I woke up early to get up and get ready for my follow up appointment with Dr Taylor. The one where she was supposed to see how the dose was treating me...the dosage of the pills that I had not yet taken....so I decided today is the day! I swallowed that half pill...and felt relieved. Boy that was a shocker. I thought I'd cry or feel badly. But I didn't. I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I felt like I was actually doing something about my situation - trying anyways. And it felt really good.
I texted Kelly and told her I didn't know why I had waited so long. Many people had told me that's what they thought too after taking the plunge with anxiety meds...sigh. But it had to be when I felt right. Took two weeks, but I walked into Dr Taylor's office with a smile like I haven't had in a long time. She noticed. I thought she might admonish me for not taking the pill sooner, but she just said "all in good time. It had to be when you're ready". I felt even more relieved. No lectures.
I brought her up to speed about the last few weeks. It was then that I told Dr Taylor about the reconstruction consult appointment and the anxiety I was feeling about it.
"It's not the boobs. I'm ok with myself but I do want reconstruction. It's just the weight of the decision. Its a decision for life. I'm so tired of life decisions."
"So what if you took the summer off?"
I just blinked at her. Huh?
"You mean re-schedule? I thought I'd be stupid to reschedule. People wait so long...."
"Well, if you weren't doing well and needed breasts to feel whole again, I'd tell you to bite the bullet. But since you're not...Look, you're just starting to breathe again. You're going back to work July 20 which will already be on your plate. Why not put it off until the Fall? By then you'll be in the routine from work and the Cipralex will be kicked in nicely..."
"I never thought that was an option. It just felt like booking that appointment opened the canser box all over again. I want reconstruction to be a happy time, but right now it feels tied to 'canser' and not 'recovery'. I feel like if I go to this appointment it will open up Pandora's box. I guess I do need a break. Postponing makes sense...I can for the first time understand how someone could "not be ready" for this part. I just want the wight of my decisions this summer to be limited to what's for dinner or what I'm going to wear."
If I could postpone till the fall, then I could try to line it up so I could go to the appointment before the Breast Reconstruction Awareness (BRA) night at TBCC. Then I would know what my options were from the consult, and the BRA event would explain those options so I would have a really good idea of what each option entailed. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure this was the right thing to do.
I had already felt relief at taking that first pill, now even more so. I called my mom on the way home and filled her in. I was honestly a bit worried to tell Phil. I didn't know if he'd agree that delaying the consult was a good idea. But he did! He thought the whole thing made total sense. But mostly he reminded me it's my decision, and there's no rush. His words took off the pressure I didn't realise I felt.
Kimmy A called me after my appointment to see how it went. She totally got where I was coming from and said all the right things. She made me feel NOT stupid, and made it sound so logical that of course taking the summer off was a good idea that I kinda forgot what I was so worried about in the first place lol.
Now I felt relieved and reassured that my decision to postpone was sound, and supported by those close to me. And I had a summer ahead of me with no life and death decisions.
For the first time in a long time I felt like the pieces of my life were finally starting to fall into place. It felt good.
Tamara's death took the air out of my wings. I was very harshly reminded how awful this disease is.
A few days later, I got an unexpected call.
"This is Ali, from Dr Humphries' office. Your name came up on our waitlist with Dr Humphries, if you're still interested in getting breast reconstruction. (Dr Humphries is a plastic surgeon...) We have an opening in July...."
"Yes.. I'm still interested...wow that's close!"
We booked my initial consult for July 8. She told me where their office was and that she would email me some paperwork to fill out prior to the appointment.
"We'll see you in July! Call me anytime if you think of any questions in the meantime!".
July. Wow. My initial reaction was excitement. I had my first consult booked on what may still be quite a long process. People talk of the reconstruction plastic surgeons with reverence. These appointments are usually long awaited, not easy to come by, and the first step to literally restore that piece of you that may not define you as a woman, but it can help you to feel more like one.
I've been doing great and have mostly accepted my boobless frame. But there are moments. Like the camping scarf incident (from a few posts ago). Or when I walk into a store alone and can feel the looks (or imagine I do anyways) where I do wish I had something. Later that day I texted Kelly about my news. She also had just got booked.
"OMG amazing!!!!!
"Ya, I'm glad but kinda nervous"
"How come nervous!!?"
"I think just cause it's a whole new scary phase. Another operation...more lifetime choices...I am just starting to think of work and less appointments. Maybe that's why I feel a bit anxious tonight...just kinda feels like opening new Pandora's box...And I'm sick of those!
Was it weird that I was feeling this way? It certainly felt weird. It seemed like everyone else looked forward to this appointment. What was wrong with me?
I thought about the damn pills again. The pills I wasn't yet taking...Would they help?
My Mom and Phil were happy for me about the news. I asked them both if they would come with me. Later I told Phil a bit how I was feeling, and that maybe if he and my Mom came they could be extra ears, they could take in any info I might miss. It was just a consult, so no decisions should have to be made asap right?
Then later that afternoon, maybe my Guardian Angel tried to give me a lift. I saw in Leap Magazine (for the Alberta cancer Foundation) that they had run a story on me from my interview a few months back! When I was interviewed about my connection to One Aim and my plan to ride in The Ride To Conquer cancer this year, I didn't know if when the time came they would choose my story. So to see it there, online, and then in the actual magazine was pretty cool. You can take a peek if you are curious - it's not very long:
Cycling with One Aim
I was thrilled they would think so much of my story that they were interested in sharing it. Of course when it comes to my team, I can talk all day.
 |
| Yellow shirts are survivors :) |
Monday morning I woke up early to get up and get ready for my follow up appointment with Dr Taylor. The one where she was supposed to see how the dose was treating me...the dosage of the pills that I had not yet taken....so I decided today is the day! I swallowed that half pill...and felt relieved. Boy that was a shocker. I thought I'd cry or feel badly. But I didn't. I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I felt like I was actually doing something about my situation - trying anyways. And it felt really good.
I texted Kelly and told her I didn't know why I had waited so long. Many people had told me that's what they thought too after taking the plunge with anxiety meds...sigh. But it had to be when I felt right. Took two weeks, but I walked into Dr Taylor's office with a smile like I haven't had in a long time. She noticed. I thought she might admonish me for not taking the pill sooner, but she just said "all in good time. It had to be when you're ready". I felt even more relieved. No lectures.
I brought her up to speed about the last few weeks. It was then that I told Dr Taylor about the reconstruction consult appointment and the anxiety I was feeling about it.
"It's not the boobs. I'm ok with myself but I do want reconstruction. It's just the weight of the decision. Its a decision for life. I'm so tired of life decisions."
"So what if you took the summer off?"
I just blinked at her. Huh?
"You mean re-schedule? I thought I'd be stupid to reschedule. People wait so long...."
"Well, if you weren't doing well and needed breasts to feel whole again, I'd tell you to bite the bullet. But since you're not...Look, you're just starting to breathe again. You're going back to work July 20 which will already be on your plate. Why not put it off until the Fall? By then you'll be in the routine from work and the Cipralex will be kicked in nicely..."
"I never thought that was an option. It just felt like booking that appointment opened the canser box all over again. I want reconstruction to be a happy time, but right now it feels tied to 'canser' and not 'recovery'. I feel like if I go to this appointment it will open up Pandora's box. I guess I do need a break. Postponing makes sense...I can for the first time understand how someone could "not be ready" for this part. I just want the wight of my decisions this summer to be limited to what's for dinner or what I'm going to wear."
If I could postpone till the fall, then I could try to line it up so I could go to the appointment before the Breast Reconstruction Awareness (BRA) night at TBCC. Then I would know what my options were from the consult, and the BRA event would explain those options so I would have a really good idea of what each option entailed. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure this was the right thing to do.
I had already felt relief at taking that first pill, now even more so. I called my mom on the way home and filled her in. I was honestly a bit worried to tell Phil. I didn't know if he'd agree that delaying the consult was a good idea. But he did! He thought the whole thing made total sense. But mostly he reminded me it's my decision, and there's no rush. His words took off the pressure I didn't realise I felt.
Kimmy A called me after my appointment to see how it went. She totally got where I was coming from and said all the right things. She made me feel NOT stupid, and made it sound so logical that of course taking the summer off was a good idea that I kinda forgot what I was so worried about in the first place lol.
Now I felt relieved and reassured that my decision to postpone was sound, and supported by those close to me. And I had a summer ahead of me with no life and death decisions.
For the first time in a long time I felt like the pieces of my life were finally starting to fall into place. It felt good.
 |
| June 9, 2015 |
Thank you for the information, articles you nice and really helped me...!!!
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