April 29, 2015
So I haven't spoken alot about the breast canser recovery group I'm in (at Breast cancer Supportive Care) but the last couple of weeks were a bit raw emotionally for me. The topics were fears (recurrance & stress) and then last week loss and grief. I know, it may be hard to understand why you'd want to go to a class for 3 hours on each of those topics. But the class is all about getting our hands dirty. It helps to give you tools to sort out everything you've been through and to process stuff you may want to lock away forever. Which I know sounds appealing, but locking stuff away doesn't solve anything. It just delays it. So if I'm going to be messed up, I'd rather be messed up all at once rather than spreading that shit around.
And I'm about as messed up emotionally as you can get. Rock bottom I think. But I also still feel strong and like there are no limits to what I can do. See what I mean by messed up?! Broken and whole all at once. Maybe I left my sanity at the Tom Baker at my last treatment...
Those two weeks were hard, but hard like when you get a massage and they dig to get the knots out...initially it's uncomfortable - painful even - but afterwards you're less tense, less knotted and the pain is softened a bit, even if you're still tender in spots.
This week we discussed self esteem. No problem. I've always generally been a confident person. I wouldn't have considered myself someone with low self esteem so the idea of delving into it didn't bother me.
And then there was the List of 100.
The exercise asked that you create a list of 100 things to celebrate about yourself. Like "I am a strong person. For example I have weathered and coped with canser treatments" So the night before class I got out my pen because it asked to at least start with two things/traits. Two. Easy right?
Well that's what I thought.
But I couldn't think of a single good thing about myself to celebrate. Not one. I thought maybe I was just tired because surely 1 thing was not impossible. So I decided to sleep on it.
Next morning, sitting in class (quite early), same block. The List didn't come up in class and with only 30 min left I thought I was in the clear.
And then we did a meditation exercise and one of the parts was thinking of a time you did a selfless act for someone. And I couldn't think of one thing. I could feel the lump in my throat. The tears in my eyes, even if they were closed.
In my head: "Tears, please don't slip out. Jeeze, get a hold of yourself."
Afterwards one of the facilitators, Andrea, asked what we all thought of the exercise. People admitted some memories were harder to think of on the spot. I started to speak up - saying how I couldn't think of anything for that memory. Then admitted that the same thing happened with the List.
And then the damn tears did escape my eyes. My voice wavered. How can someone not think of one good thing about themselves?? What is wrong with me??? And I felt stupid for crying and stupid for not being able to jot one damn thing down.
The suggestion offered was asking family and friends to start you off, especially if you are stuck. My reply was "I read that, but didn't ask them because I was afraid they wouldn't think of anything either".
Maybe that was me hitting rock bottom. Because really, does it get much sadder than that?
One of my lovely canser babes stepped up after a few people shared their one thing to celebrate - to start me off with one thing for my list.
As she spoke about how I've impacted her on her journey, I couldn't stop the tears. Who was this person she was describing? How could it be me? How could I, with all my imperfections, have affected someone in such a way that she would speak so highly of me, when I feel like it's been all about myself, and I haven't been a good friend to anyone the last year?
Maybe - just maybe - I've just been too incredibly hard on myself. Was I like this before canser? I don't know.
Since that class, I'm determined to fill my list. 100 things. Kinda lofty given I couldn't even think of 1 ha. But if I could face all my canser treatments head on, why not this challenge? If I could hop on a bike and go 30k, I'm sure I can find some things to celebrate about myself. I can't have a year of self discovery and not see any positives about myself. Everyone has good qualities.
So must I.
I will start the list off with my wonderful friend's "start up" from class.
And The List will become part of my quest in finding my roar this next year. I may have a 2nd thing to add to it...although my co-workers may not agree ;)
So I haven't spoken alot about the breast canser recovery group I'm in (at Breast cancer Supportive Care) but the last couple of weeks were a bit raw emotionally for me. The topics were fears (recurrance & stress) and then last week loss and grief. I know, it may be hard to understand why you'd want to go to a class for 3 hours on each of those topics. But the class is all about getting our hands dirty. It helps to give you tools to sort out everything you've been through and to process stuff you may want to lock away forever. Which I know sounds appealing, but locking stuff away doesn't solve anything. It just delays it. So if I'm going to be messed up, I'd rather be messed up all at once rather than spreading that shit around.
And I'm about as messed up emotionally as you can get. Rock bottom I think. But I also still feel strong and like there are no limits to what I can do. See what I mean by messed up?! Broken and whole all at once. Maybe I left my sanity at the Tom Baker at my last treatment...
Those two weeks were hard, but hard like when you get a massage and they dig to get the knots out...initially it's uncomfortable - painful even - but afterwards you're less tense, less knotted and the pain is softened a bit, even if you're still tender in spots.
This week we discussed self esteem. No problem. I've always generally been a confident person. I wouldn't have considered myself someone with low self esteem so the idea of delving into it didn't bother me.
And then there was the List of 100.
The exercise asked that you create a list of 100 things to celebrate about yourself. Like "I am a strong person. For example I have weathered and coped with canser treatments" So the night before class I got out my pen because it asked to at least start with two things/traits. Two. Easy right?
Well that's what I thought.
But I couldn't think of a single good thing about myself to celebrate. Not one. I thought maybe I was just tired because surely 1 thing was not impossible. So I decided to sleep on it.
Next morning, sitting in class (quite early), same block. The List didn't come up in class and with only 30 min left I thought I was in the clear.
And then we did a meditation exercise and one of the parts was thinking of a time you did a selfless act for someone. And I couldn't think of one thing. I could feel the lump in my throat. The tears in my eyes, even if they were closed.
In my head: "Tears, please don't slip out. Jeeze, get a hold of yourself."
Afterwards one of the facilitators, Andrea, asked what we all thought of the exercise. People admitted some memories were harder to think of on the spot. I started to speak up - saying how I couldn't think of anything for that memory. Then admitted that the same thing happened with the List.
And then the damn tears did escape my eyes. My voice wavered. How can someone not think of one good thing about themselves?? What is wrong with me??? And I felt stupid for crying and stupid for not being able to jot one damn thing down.
The suggestion offered was asking family and friends to start you off, especially if you are stuck. My reply was "I read that, but didn't ask them because I was afraid they wouldn't think of anything either".
Maybe that was me hitting rock bottom. Because really, does it get much sadder than that?
One of my lovely canser babes stepped up after a few people shared their one thing to celebrate - to start me off with one thing for my list.
As she spoke about how I've impacted her on her journey, I couldn't stop the tears. Who was this person she was describing? How could it be me? How could I, with all my imperfections, have affected someone in such a way that she would speak so highly of me, when I feel like it's been all about myself, and I haven't been a good friend to anyone the last year?
Maybe - just maybe - I've just been too incredibly hard on myself. Was I like this before canser? I don't know.
Since that class, I'm determined to fill my list. 100 things. Kinda lofty given I couldn't even think of 1 ha. But if I could face all my canser treatments head on, why not this challenge? If I could hop on a bike and go 30k, I'm sure I can find some things to celebrate about myself. I can't have a year of self discovery and not see any positives about myself. Everyone has good qualities.
So must I.
I will start the list off with my wonderful friend's "start up" from class.
And The List will become part of my quest in finding my roar this next year. I may have a 2nd thing to add to it...although my co-workers may not agree ;)
Pretty Good At Drinkin Beer by Billy Currington (from his VEVO on YouTube)
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