March 31, 2015
1 year.
In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday when our world got turned upside down. In some ways it feels like a million years ago that our life didn't have canser in it.
I'm still me, but also strangely a completely different person. My kids have had to face things no kids should have to face - and I can only hope it didn't do irreparable damage. My husband likely felt like a single parent alot of this year to 3 kids instead of 2 - that's how bad some days were - emotionally, mentally or physically.
The last year sure had it's downs. But with a canser diagnosis you kinda expect that.
What I didn't expect were the unbelievable highs. I still struggle with the thought of all the good that's come out of this year. A year when I was diagnosed with canser....
How can there be such deep personal growth when you're going through such hell? How is it that an army of people can step up, and keep stepping up, even 1 year from when we first said "I need you"? Who knew gratitude was a deep, unending well that could be found every, single day of the worst year of our lives?
I've learnt there's no such thing as a limit to how much love you can have in your heart for those in your life who stepped up - even in small ways or gestures (which were not small in my eyes). The last year confirmed for me that people are good, kind souls and I am surrounded by angels in my life - at home (even if I think one of them has horns hiding beneath his redish/blonde curls...) in my community, amongst all my friends, my acquaintances and even at work!
I may have felt isolated at times because of what I was feeling, but never was I abandoned.
I never thought canser was a gift. But recently I heard someone say "canser is a gift wrapped in barbed wire" and I have to say that is a bit of a fair statement to my last year.
I haven't come out unscathed. Sadly, neither has my family (immediate and extended). I've said so many times - it's been hard. Hell even. But I've discovered a strength within that I never knew was there. I've been bald, boobless and scarred (all at once!) yet able to embrace all of it - albeit not without some tears, a Guinness or two and the love from those around me. A year ago I wouldn't have thought that was even remotely possible.
Along the way I've fallen in love with a team who met me at my worst, but welcomed me like I was at my best. They accepted me with all my fears, insecurities and stripped outward appearance and inspired me to to go far beyond what I thought I was capable of, by showing me there could be life - an amazing life - after canser. My beloved Mall Angels.
I've gained so many new important people in my life who encourage and help me up every time I fall. My "canser babes" as I call them - the amazing women in my life that I've met who have walked a similar awful path as I. Especially Kelly who has been with me on this crazy ride since the beginning. Friends from my childhood have become closer friends too. I can't count how many times I've texted Stephane who is 8 years since his canser diagnosis. Or the wonderful women I grew up with who became "Team Cindo" on days when I was crying as I texted them as a group - only to have them find humour and turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter.
I've met some other strong women fighting different scary diseases - Natasha & Lorna - and it's amazing to me how much we have in common and how much they have inspired me, even if Parkinson's and Scleroderma are nothing like canser.
My friends who were close to me have been with me every step of the way. I counted on them before, and am so blessed that I can count on them still. Same with my family - either immediate or extended...They check in and encourage me on those bad days when it feels just too damn hard to be a fighter. I may hang up the gloves from time to time, but they wear them for me at these times, keeping them warm for when I'm ready to glove back up.
Especially Phil - he has been in the trenches with me since day one. I honestly wondered if the "novelty" would wear off (or wear thin) but he is as supportive as ever. With every step I take - whether forward or backwards - he is a step behind me - ready to catch me when I fall and cheer me on once I get back up.
And I've been writing a year's worth of blogs... Me!! I've never written like this before. And stranger still, people read them. Willingly! My blog has become a place where I try to sort out what's in my head and what's in my heart. Because I try so hard to focus on the Silver Linings but there are also some cloudy days. I hope it helps anyone who's going through canser or who has a loved one going through it to get a better sense of what it may be like. Every canser story is different afterall...
I know lots of people lose friends going through canser (I mean friendships - not that people die...) But I can say those who were close before are closer still, and many who I hadn't spoken to in years also stepped up with love and encouragement. I could spend an eternity trying to thank all those who got me to where I am today - a year later.
A canser free year later...
So ya, a year ago I was diagnosed with stage III breast canser. And I endured 8 rounds of chemo, a bilateral mastectomy and 16 rounds of radiation.
But we also camped every round of chemo. We went to Big Valley Jamboree. During chemo! We ran our first 5k at The Run For The Cure...2 weeks after my last chemo! We went to West Edmonton Mall with the kids for a canser break before surgery. Taught the kids to skate. Threw a few parties! Participated in CANSuffer to Conquer - by spinning for 2 sessions - 1 month after treatment was done! We signed up to ride over 200k at The Ride To Conquer, which will be 7 months after my last radiation. And we'll be signing up for The Run For The Cure again in October...
It's been a hell of a year!
Looking back, maybe we did more than 'just survive'. Maybe we 'thrived' - just a bit.
I had 2 main theme songs this last year - Carry On by Fun and Inner Ninja by Classified. I have probably listened to each of those songs not hundreds - but thousands - of times this past year. They still resonate with me big time but looking at the next year to come I'm adding Roar by Katy Perry as my theme song.
Because I very much intend to find my roar.
After all - "I've got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar..."
I put together this slideshow (that does not work on mobile - sorry!) looking back at all canser couldn't stop us from doing. I look at it from time to time when I need to remind myself that anything is possible - and to not give up.
1 year.
In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday when our world got turned upside down. In some ways it feels like a million years ago that our life didn't have canser in it.
I'm still me, but also strangely a completely different person. My kids have had to face things no kids should have to face - and I can only hope it didn't do irreparable damage. My husband likely felt like a single parent alot of this year to 3 kids instead of 2 - that's how bad some days were - emotionally, mentally or physically.
The last year sure had it's downs. But with a canser diagnosis you kinda expect that.
What I didn't expect were the unbelievable highs. I still struggle with the thought of all the good that's come out of this year. A year when I was diagnosed with canser....
How can there be such deep personal growth when you're going through such hell? How is it that an army of people can step up, and keep stepping up, even 1 year from when we first said "I need you"? Who knew gratitude was a deep, unending well that could be found every, single day of the worst year of our lives?
I've learnt there's no such thing as a limit to how much love you can have in your heart for those in your life who stepped up - even in small ways or gestures (which were not small in my eyes). The last year confirmed for me that people are good, kind souls and I am surrounded by angels in my life - at home (even if I think one of them has horns hiding beneath his redish/blonde curls...) in my community, amongst all my friends, my acquaintances and even at work!
I may have felt isolated at times because of what I was feeling, but never was I abandoned.
I never thought canser was a gift. But recently I heard someone say "canser is a gift wrapped in barbed wire" and I have to say that is a bit of a fair statement to my last year.
I haven't come out unscathed. Sadly, neither has my family (immediate and extended). I've said so many times - it's been hard. Hell even. But I've discovered a strength within that I never knew was there. I've been bald, boobless and scarred (all at once!) yet able to embrace all of it - albeit not without some tears, a Guinness or two and the love from those around me. A year ago I wouldn't have thought that was even remotely possible.
Along the way I've fallen in love with a team who met me at my worst, but welcomed me like I was at my best. They accepted me with all my fears, insecurities and stripped outward appearance and inspired me to to go far beyond what I thought I was capable of, by showing me there could be life - an amazing life - after canser. My beloved Mall Angels.
I've gained so many new important people in my life who encourage and help me up every time I fall. My "canser babes" as I call them - the amazing women in my life that I've met who have walked a similar awful path as I. Especially Kelly who has been with me on this crazy ride since the beginning. Friends from my childhood have become closer friends too. I can't count how many times I've texted Stephane who is 8 years since his canser diagnosis. Or the wonderful women I grew up with who became "Team Cindo" on days when I was crying as I texted them as a group - only to have them find humour and turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter.
I've met some other strong women fighting different scary diseases - Natasha & Lorna - and it's amazing to me how much we have in common and how much they have inspired me, even if Parkinson's and Scleroderma are nothing like canser.
My friends who were close to me have been with me every step of the way. I counted on them before, and am so blessed that I can count on them still. Same with my family - either immediate or extended...They check in and encourage me on those bad days when it feels just too damn hard to be a fighter. I may hang up the gloves from time to time, but they wear them for me at these times, keeping them warm for when I'm ready to glove back up.
Especially Phil - he has been in the trenches with me since day one. I honestly wondered if the "novelty" would wear off (or wear thin) but he is as supportive as ever. With every step I take - whether forward or backwards - he is a step behind me - ready to catch me when I fall and cheer me on once I get back up.
And I've been writing a year's worth of blogs... Me!! I've never written like this before. And stranger still, people read them. Willingly! My blog has become a place where I try to sort out what's in my head and what's in my heart. Because I try so hard to focus on the Silver Linings but there are also some cloudy days. I hope it helps anyone who's going through canser or who has a loved one going through it to get a better sense of what it may be like. Every canser story is different afterall...
I know lots of people lose friends going through canser (I mean friendships - not that people die...) But I can say those who were close before are closer still, and many who I hadn't spoken to in years also stepped up with love and encouragement. I could spend an eternity trying to thank all those who got me to where I am today - a year later.
A canser free year later...
So ya, a year ago I was diagnosed with stage III breast canser. And I endured 8 rounds of chemo, a bilateral mastectomy and 16 rounds of radiation.
But we also camped every round of chemo. We went to Big Valley Jamboree. During chemo! We ran our first 5k at The Run For The Cure...2 weeks after my last chemo! We went to West Edmonton Mall with the kids for a canser break before surgery. Taught the kids to skate. Threw a few parties! Participated in CANSuffer to Conquer - by spinning for 2 sessions - 1 month after treatment was done! We signed up to ride over 200k at The Ride To Conquer, which will be 7 months after my last radiation. And we'll be signing up for The Run For The Cure again in October...
It's been a hell of a year!
Looking back, maybe we did more than 'just survive'. Maybe we 'thrived' - just a bit.
I had 2 main theme songs this last year - Carry On by Fun and Inner Ninja by Classified. I have probably listened to each of those songs not hundreds - but thousands - of times this past year. They still resonate with me big time but looking at the next year to come I'm adding Roar by Katy Perry as my theme song.
Because I very much intend to find my roar.
After all - "I've got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar..."
I put together this slideshow (that does not work on mobile - sorry!) looking back at all canser couldn't stop us from doing. I look at it from time to time when I need to remind myself that anything is possible - and to not give up.
I love your enthusiasm fro life. You have so inspired me that I have your quote frm my neck to my tailbone on my spine. I have come out of a 14 year abusive marriage dat almost killed me. I survived and am now a single mom of two . Independant. yes everyday i battle my own demons from the conditioning of that period but i touch my back and I am strong again. So thank you. I wish i could send you a picture of the tattoo.
ReplyDeleteYou trully are an inspiration.
Anjeli