April 8, 2015
I've been trying to start this blog for a few days now. I wrote the date last night and then just stared at the blank page. I can always 'feel' when it's time to write a blog. I've been 'feeling' it for a few days now. I thought maybe last night the timing was off.
So after a nice (ha) sweaty 45 min spin this AM I showered and came down to Second Cup to enjoy a mocha and write.
I stared at the blank page for 10 minutes.
It's not that I don't have anything to say. Quite the opposite - I'm bursting at the seams needing to get it out.
But where to start?
Where to start...Well that's the problem. Those 3 words sum up how I've felt since treatment ended.
Not very difficult really - there's so many things I could "start with" to keep me as healthy as possible and guide me into post (pre??) canser life...
Like nutrition. Exercise. Social events. Talking to a shrink. Going back to work. Regular housework. Quality time with family. With friends. Focus on others instead of me. Take on more responsibility. Move on.
But where most normal people would see a long list of options - I see a list of "must do now's" that overwhelm me to tears. To the point of shutting down. That is partly thanks to my brain fog, which is a combo of having had canser itself and chemo treatment...More than one decision at a time overwhelms me. Yup - more than one decision...
And every day I don't do all those things, I feel like a failure. A not good enough Mom. Wife. Daughter. Sister In Law. Friend. Responsible Employee. Daughter in Law. Cousin.
I can't do it all - I've been trying.
I screw up every, single day.
I'll be good for exercise but then nothing else. Or I'll eat fantastic - tons of greens, multiple smoothies and homemade veggie juice, but nothing else. Then I cry cause I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself.
I've cried alot lately.
And wrapped up in that frustration is guilt. I'm ALIVE. So it's a bit ridiculous when I have a pity party.
I'm failing at being a survivor too.
There's days I feel like the physical trials I endured through treatment were not as bad as this hell I'm in now. Give me a tumour, and tell me I need to endure 8 rounds of high dose chemo - I know how to do that. Tell me I have to go in for surgery to remove parts of me I've had since birth? OK, I know how to do that too. Same with radiation. 16 rounds? Ok. I can do that. It's not easy - no, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I know how to do all that.
Surviving? No damn clue.
How is that possible???
There's also the recurrence black cloud. Not being able to do everything isn't about me trying to be Superwoman or "perfect". For me it's about feeling like I have some tiny amount of control in a life that has been basically run by fear & canser for the last year. It's about feeling like I am doing everything in my power to keep it from coming back. Every "failure" is a missed opportunity to fight. I feel like I have all these gems of info - and I'm not maximising the opportunities now. It's like a race I never knew I was running, with death at my heels, and I'm just trying to stay one step ahead of the game. Maybe life is like that for everyone, but I never saw it that way until treatment ended and my "3 year clock (until statistically recurrence REALLY goes down)" started ticking.
Phil, my family and friends have been so supportive and have done so much. I am really starting to feel like a never-ending burden. It's been a year. A year! The canser is gone. Why can't my brain and emotions catch up and get the memo?
Before being diagnosed I did alot of things wrong health wise. I am not saying that in a blaming way - but certain things are "risk factors" and I was doing all of them . Drinking too much. Eating bad. Not enough greens - some days none. Many days none actually. Not enough exercise. Too much stress - work stress, life stress, financial stress.
I was basically the walking poster child for what not to do to avoid breast canser. There were so many things I could have done differently. Now I know better
And that, my friends, is the rub. Now I know better.
So why is it so damn hard to do better?
Damn if I know.
(but I intend to figure it out...)
I've been trying to start this blog for a few days now. I wrote the date last night and then just stared at the blank page. I can always 'feel' when it's time to write a blog. I've been 'feeling' it for a few days now. I thought maybe last night the timing was off.
So after a nice (ha) sweaty 45 min spin this AM I showered and came down to Second Cup to enjoy a mocha and write.
I stared at the blank page for 10 minutes.
It's not that I don't have anything to say. Quite the opposite - I'm bursting at the seams needing to get it out.
But where to start?
Where to start...Well that's the problem. Those 3 words sum up how I've felt since treatment ended.
Not very difficult really - there's so many things I could "start with" to keep me as healthy as possible and guide me into post (pre??) canser life...
Like nutrition. Exercise. Social events. Talking to a shrink. Going back to work. Regular housework. Quality time with family. With friends. Focus on others instead of me. Take on more responsibility. Move on.
But where most normal people would see a long list of options - I see a list of "must do now's" that overwhelm me to tears. To the point of shutting down. That is partly thanks to my brain fog, which is a combo of having had canser itself and chemo treatment...More than one decision at a time overwhelms me. Yup - more than one decision...
And every day I don't do all those things, I feel like a failure. A not good enough Mom. Wife. Daughter. Sister In Law. Friend. Responsible Employee. Daughter in Law. Cousin.
I can't do it all - I've been trying.
I screw up every, single day.
I'll be good for exercise but then nothing else. Or I'll eat fantastic - tons of greens, multiple smoothies and homemade veggie juice, but nothing else. Then I cry cause I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself.
I've cried alot lately.
And wrapped up in that frustration is guilt. I'm ALIVE. So it's a bit ridiculous when I have a pity party.
I'm failing at being a survivor too.
There's days I feel like the physical trials I endured through treatment were not as bad as this hell I'm in now. Give me a tumour, and tell me I need to endure 8 rounds of high dose chemo - I know how to do that. Tell me I have to go in for surgery to remove parts of me I've had since birth? OK, I know how to do that too. Same with radiation. 16 rounds? Ok. I can do that. It's not easy - no, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I know how to do all that.
Surviving? No damn clue.
How is that possible???
There's also the recurrence black cloud. Not being able to do everything isn't about me trying to be Superwoman or "perfect". For me it's about feeling like I have some tiny amount of control in a life that has been basically run by fear & canser for the last year. It's about feeling like I am doing everything in my power to keep it from coming back. Every "failure" is a missed opportunity to fight. I feel like I have all these gems of info - and I'm not maximising the opportunities now. It's like a race I never knew I was running, with death at my heels, and I'm just trying to stay one step ahead of the game. Maybe life is like that for everyone, but I never saw it that way until treatment ended and my "3 year clock (until statistically recurrence REALLY goes down)" started ticking.
Phil, my family and friends have been so supportive and have done so much. I am really starting to feel like a never-ending burden. It's been a year. A year! The canser is gone. Why can't my brain and emotions catch up and get the memo?
Before being diagnosed I did alot of things wrong health wise. I am not saying that in a blaming way - but certain things are "risk factors" and I was doing all of them . Drinking too much. Eating bad. Not enough greens - some days none. Many days none actually. Not enough exercise. Too much stress - work stress, life stress, financial stress.
I was basically the walking poster child for what not to do to avoid breast canser. There were so many things I could have done differently. Now I know better
And that, my friends, is the rub. Now I know better.
So why is it so damn hard to do better?
Damn if I know.
(but I intend to figure it out...)
Bad Day by Daniel Powter (Official Music Video from YOuTube)
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