"Maybe Christmas" he thought "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas..perhaps...means a little bit more" - Dr Suess's The Grinch

Dec 12, 2014

With my new clothes has come a new confidence. We went out to a friend's Christmas party - Emmy & Ethan's friend Noah - where all the kids used to go to the same dayhome. I have seen them a few times since treatment but not since surgery. It was awesome trying to decide what to wear - because I had choices!



When we got there the kids were off like a shot and I could focus on the conversation and not on how I looked. It was a fun party and even Santa came by for a visit! I hope it brought some normalcy for Emmy. We came to this party last year, before her life was affected by my diagnosis. 

I'm always amazed at how supportive and accepting everyone has been. This group is no different. I am very blessed indeed to be surrounded by such caring people.

Everyone had a blast.

Emmy had her Spark's dance the following Monday. I had a bad cold so Phil took her for me...I admit I felt guilty and sad that I couldn't take her. But at least it wasn't due to anything canser related. Just regular 'mom' guilt and not 'canser mom' guilt...Anyways, it was with all the troops in the area - Sparks, Brownies, Girl Guides etc. She wore a dress and went with Rebekah - a good friend she met at preschool last year - and who's mom has become one of my good friends! She came back pink faced and happy. That made me happy. 

I was supposed to meet with my wonderful friend Fiona for dinner the next night but was still under the weather. Emily had a family potluck and Christmas concert at school that Thursday. It was for all the Kindergarten classes and I was worried I'd be too sick to go. I made sure to rest lots and drink herbal tea.

She asked me if I could wear my wig and fake boobs to the potluck. This time instead of saying no I said "of course". If I could get all dolled up for my work party, surely I could accept this small request from one of the people i love most in the world?

So Thurs came and I was going no matter what. Emily had been talking (and singing lol) about it all week. So I dressed to the nines, including my high boots (not the 4 inchers..my 3 inchers - didn't want to be mistaken for a streetwalker baha) and yes my wig and boobs. I did it all for my Emmy cause she desperately just wanted to have a "normal mom" like all the rest of the kids. My sis in law Andrea put it into perspective for me "school is the one place she has anonymity - unless she tells people, no one knows about the breast canser. She's just another kid with a "regular mom". 

And Emmy was thrilled with the results. 

"You look beautiful Mommy!!"

She was positively glowing! I knew I had made the right choice. It wasn't about standards of beauty for her - it was about a mom with hair and boobs - which I guess is about as basic as it gets really. Why would I deny her that?

And it was fabulous. We heard Christmas carols in French and English (she's in French immersion). There was food from many different cultures and countries.

Right in the middle back row hands up lol

I was so happy we had a normal, happy week. No doctors appointments, no being sick (from canser or treatment) Just good ol family time. It made me very excited for my "Well canser it's been a slice" end of surgery party coming up on Sat. 

We were really starting to get into the Christmas spirt... Phil even put up extra indoor Christmas lights so the party could double as a Christmas party! 

It was like someone hit the pause button in this canser storm and we were able to just be a normal family...

That feeling right there was my 'Christmas come early'.

And it felt great.

Our weekly hot chocolate date

"I like my money right where I can see it - hanging in my closet" - Carrie Bradshaw

Dec 6, 2014

Let's talk for a moment about shopping. Shopping for me has always been therapeutic - much to Phil's chagrin I'm sure... Since walking - sometimes crawling - this canser road many things feel different than before. Some things have changed forever, but some things have just simply been forgotten. After surgery I wasn't sure if shopping would offer the same "therapeutic value" it had in the past. So when my Mom and I decided to go on a shopping spree it seemed like a lofty goal. But a challenge hadn't stopped me yet, so off we went early  Wednesday morning. With my mom by my side we were determined to find at least a couple of things I could put on that would fit this new body properly - and make me feel good about what I was wearing. Armed with determination and (delicious) mochas, we were a force to be reckoned with!

I had 3 parties coming up - my office Christmas party, my One Aim Christmas party and my End of Surgery Party (AKA Well canser it's been a slice ). I was also enjoying my break from canser related treatment. I was hoping this would be a fun, "normal" day.

And I was not disappointed!!

We shopped the mall from opening till almost close (4pm) and I had a blast! We laughed lots - at the first store I must have tried on over 20 items. I tried to have the mindframe I did when I shopped for my wedding dress - you don't know what works till you try it on. That means all different styles. So that's what I did with all the shirts.

Nothing from the first store really worked - not one thing!- but instead of of getting discouraged, I learnt from it. Each shirt told me what worked and what didn't. It actually got me closer to my goal because now I had an idea of what not to look for. And a little of what might work.

We hit nearly every store in Chinook mall (no small feat!). At first I would have been happy with 1 or 2 things that we could "make work". But as we shopped I found I could be choosy as to how much I liked or didn't like something - because I had options! Lots of options!

Don't get me wrong - there were also lots of laughs because some things were just awful looking on me (no boobs isn't all glory...!) But I was thrilled with the gems we found and also relieved that I could laugh at the stuff that looked terrible.

It was a fantastic day.



I returned home tired but so happy with my new purchases. I finally had clothes that worked for this body - not ones I had to make do with from the old body, that were also a reminder of what my body once was. I didn't want to be stuck in the past - as Nigel so often says to me, "Onwards & Upwards".

There was a fashion show at home that night for Phil and the kids. Maybe my excitement was contagious cause the kids seemed as happy as I was with my new purchases. Or maybe it was seeing their mom with a bit of the old sparkle in her eye that had been missing since surgery.

I got to re-live my spree again as I took the tags off everything the next day. I believe money can't buy you happiness but it was amazing what the few items did for my outlook. For the first time since surgery I was excited to go out. Get dolled up for an evening like every other normal person. canser took a backseat for once and it felt great.

I suddenly started to look at the parts of me that bothered me the most - like my nails and lack of eyelashes - and decided to try a "make-over" on them too. Kristy and my cousin Jo's words came back to me from when I was feeling of two minds about my wig - how even warriors need to sleep and to try to look at my wig as an accessory...and I booked a nail appointment as well as an eyelash appointment (yes, for fake lashes!!). By Friday afternoon with my filed and painted nails, new make up (without all the chemical crap in most cosmetics) beautiful FULL lashes (!!), my new clothes (which included new 4inch heeled boots - Natasha I did you proud!!) and my wig - I looked nothing like a canser patient in my eyes.

I was ready for my work party, and decided I wouldn't wear my fake boobs. Like my bald head I really wanted to accept myself as I was now. I thought if I couldn't feel good without them in clothes I bought to fit my boobless body, then I never would.

Going to my work Christmas party without them was daunting and a bit intimidating. I was so nervous I hardly ate that day. It was just at an Irish pub and was just my department - who had seen me a couple times since surgery and with a bald head - so it was not a huge deal, but this was me at my best and what if that wasn't enough? What if I still looked 'sick' in their eyes? They had been so incredibly supportive all this time, but what if they looked at me with pity? After all I had been through I didn't think I could deal with looks of pity...not from my coworkers who cried when I told them about the lump all that time ago when I was scared and didn't know what the future had in store for me. I wanted them to see the warrior, the mom, the friend...not the patient. I wanted them to see that I was changed, but not damaged. Tender, but not weak.

Bent, but never broken.

Now that I was permanently different, I guess I just wanted their acceptance. Especially with the last part of my treatment fast approaching, and a return to work in my future.

I shouldn't have worried. As usual, they treated me as they always have and their acceptance was perhaps the last piece I needed to cement my acceptance of myself. I could start to let go of my old self knowing this new version of me was ok too - with friends, family and now my co-workers...

Suddenly the Christmas season seemed that much brighter...

"Onwards and Upwards!" - Nigel Brockton

Dec 2014

So with everything going on since we did the Run For The Cure I haven't had a chance to talk about officially becoming a One Aim member of my beloved One Aim Conquer Cancer cycling team...

Yup, cycling team.....me lol. 

That is definitely a sentence I never thought I'd write...That's not even the crazy part. People who join One Aim can't join just to cycle. Oh no. You have to sign up to participate in The Ride To Conquer canser. Yes - participate.

For those who haven't read previous posts on this, it's an over 200km 'bike ride' that raises money for The Alberta canser Foundation. I've called it before a bike ride for crazy people.

I guess I'm a crazy person now. Cause I signed up for the 2015 Ride in Calgary in August.

So did Phil. The crazy train has left the building....

But I met the One Aim team at a very vulnerable point in my journey. Read the blog "The Mall" if you are curious (or haven't read it) from May 2014 when they first came into my life - before I even knew who they were.

When their teammates reached out to me via that blog post, things shifted and my life started down a path even I didn't realise at the time.

I've met some absolutely inspiring people on that team. People with hearts of gold who took in a scared (though trying to be brave) lil bald woman and supported me in ways that amazed me. One team member, Dennis, did the triathalon in Joe's Team, in my name. Then Dennis and Cam signed up to do The Run For The Cure on my team before even meeting me (in person)! Then at The Run they paced themselves with me from start to finish (they could do a 5k in their sleep). I share a love of Guinness with most of the team. Matt and Hal put my name on (Matt's) survivor flag and (Hal's) riding 'bib' for The Ride in 2014. 

They got a friend for life with that 'small' gesture. 

I was touched to tears.

Many have come to my numerous parties (to celebrate the end of each stage of treatment) and also my Fundraiser. No one thought it strange that a bald mama came to join them on a few occasions at The Last Straw pub after their Tuesday night training rides. 

Elaine is a fellow female canser survivor who has always checked in with me after reading my rough blog posts. 

And then there's Nigel. I wouldn't be surprised if  somewhere hidden in his closet there is a cape and suit. I've mentioned before he is a 2x canser survivor as well as a canser researcher. Yet he has this complete positive, optimistic, passionate drive. Where he leads, people follow. It is impossible to not be charmed by him. He's a little crazy (ha ok alot!) but he has a zest for life that is contagious. In some of my darkest moments it's been a message from Nigel that made it not seem so bad.

I could go on and on about every single team member I've been privileged to meet. 

So really, no matter how crazy it may be, how could I not join this team that have become part of my 'care' team. They helped lift the burden of canser when it was too heavy to bear. In my mind they were already 'my' team.

We chose a special time to join the team. Phil and I signed up for The Ride the week following The Run for The Cure. I had completed my 1st 5K 2 weeks after my 8th and final chemo treatment. I wanted to celebrate that achievement by committing to 'my' team and upping the ante for 2015 with a 200 plus km bike ride...

Did I mention that it's over 2 days? Ya, so like just over 100km a day...

Matt's personal story of his battle over leukemia and how he joined The Ride a few months past his treatment - when his body was still battered and broken - inspired me to run the 5K no matter what. By joining The Ride next August I hope to inspire someone else on this road. 



THERE IS LIFE AFTER cANSER.

Originally I was going to wait to join One Aim once I got the all clear and treatment was done. But after seeing what my body was capable of after The Run and all the love and support I had - I decided no matter what was going on in my life, I was going to do the 2015 Ride. Come Hell or High Water as we like to say in Calgary...

So why wait to sign up?

Phil and I each have to raise $2500. Yes, that's $5000 total in order to participate. So our links to our personal pages have been added to my blog and here:

My Link to 2015 Ride

Phil's Link to 2015 Ride

I hope the telling of my story will help to raise some funds. I will post on FB from time to time and find other ways to raise money so we reach, and hopefully surpass our goal. 

So here's to surviving. And going beyond what we think we are capable of.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better" - Maya Angelou

Dec 2, 2014

I've now been walking this canser road for 8 months. Boy does time fly. If I were pregnant, in 2 months I'd have a new baby. In 2 months maybe I'll have my life back.

If 8 months seems long to adults, it likely feels like an eternity to a child. Our kids have been coping well.

Until now.

Today was rough. I got a call from BCSC saying they had a spot open up Dec 17 for their child psychologist. I jumped at the chance.

15 minutes later I got a call from Emmy's teacher. She had received the stamp and marker from Emily but was wondering if something had happened in the last week. When I told her no, she told me Emily had marked up the school floor with a marker by her backpack. She wouldn't fess up initially, but then finally did.

I didn't know what to say. She had just brought back the marker and sorry note that morning. My anxiety got the better of me and  I saw a future of escalating issues and an unhappy child who was full of issues because of the breast canser.

Because of me. This was my fault.

I felt simultaneously sick and heartbroken.

I immediately called my mom. After our chat I decided to pick Emmy up at the bus stop and take her for lunch. I hoped she would talk to me.

Although I had no idea what I would say to her...

She was surprised to see me and even more so when I told her we were going for lunch. I asked about her day and when she wasn't forthcoming about the incident, I told her I got a call from her teacher. Her face froze.

I had her attention now.

But I felt awkward and wasn't very loquacious in guiding the conversation. I know there were a few "unacceptables" and some "I'm disappointed" in there but I felt like I was rambling. When we got to Subway and sat with our food, I turned the conversation over to her. I got the full story, which the teacher had told me, followed by a bunch of "I don't knows" when asked "why?".

My feeling of helplessness grew.

After chatting more about feelings, we finally got to the core issue.

"I'm feeling mad and sad about the breast canser. I just want you to be normal".

I blinked at her.

"Normal?".

"Ya, like back when you had hair and boobies."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Well, is there something I can do to make you feel better?"

"You could wear your wig and fake boobies all the time. Like at home and when we go out".

I think I'd make a great poker player cause my face belied none of the feelings brewing behind it.

"Well Em, I can't do that exactly, but sometimes I could wear the wig or fake boobs. But Mommy kinda likes her short hair and wearing the wig all the time wouldn't be so comfortable cause it can be hot. Mommy's also still healing from surgery, so wearing the boobs all the time would make me sore, but sometimes I can. Is there anything else that would help?".

"Sometimes your marks where your boobies were scare me a little bit. Maybe you could wear a bathing suit when you shower?".

Children call it as they see it, with complete honesty. I know that in my head, but this talk was hitting on all the insecurities I had felt since treatment - being bald, boobless and "unwomanly". Being seen as a monster. Freak. Thankfully I was moving forward enough in my acceptance of my physical changes that the only 'hurt' was that my child might be scared of me...

"Well honey, I have to wash in the shower so wearing a bathing suit isn't going to work. You'll just have to know Mommy's naked when I'm in the shower and either not come in till I'm done and dressed, or know you could see my marks if you choose to come in. But I will make extra sure I wear shirts or are covered up when I'm around you guys and when I got to bed. Would that help?"

She told me yes then changed the subject and after trying to talk more about it and not getting anywhere, I knew she was tapped out. I mentioned that although its OK to feel sad, or mad or scared, destroying stuff or doing things we aren't supposed to is not the answer. That there are consequences when we act out or misbehave. I asked her what she thought her punishment should be.

"Take all my toys out of my room?". (in the past we have removed certain items like her dollhouse etc) We decided both the toys and all her books would come out. The toys we to told her would come out for a set amount of time (a week) and the books would come out but every day she had good behaviour she could earn 1-2 books back (per day - she has over 50). We needed consequences that would set the tone that is it NOT acceptable to act out in this manner, to nip it in butt. But we felt having to earn her beloved books back was a way to encourage positive behaviour. We put the toys away so she couldn't play with them. We had no idea if this was sufficient, too harsh or too lenient but it's what we decided on and stuck to.

Instead of taking her back to our dayhome, I brought her home with me. We snuggled on the couch and watched Princess Bride. That night, Phil and Emmy had a good chat. He put it to her in a way that was much better than anything I told her. 

"I feel mad and sad too sometimes but bad behaviour is not going to make those feelings go away. Talking about it will help. You can talk to us, Aunty or Uncle, or Grammy & Gramps, or Grandma & Grandpa, or even Tia Melys (dayhome). You can call any of them anytime you want. "

He can probably understand how she's feeling more than I can. Having this disease and living with someone you love with this disease are totally different. I hoped if she didn't open up to me, in future she might to Phil. 

We had a nice bedtime. She understood having consequences to her actions and we understood she was hurting and that we needed to try harder to make sure those emotions had a constructive release. I told her tomorrow was a fresh day, a way to start over and try again.

I hope we grew a little as parents from this experience. 

And as Annie sang in the background:

"...the sun will come out tomorrow..."

"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm is all about". - Haruki Murakami

Dec 2, 2014

Well, the radiation prep was no problem. As I thought I might, I wondered what was in store for me. After about 4 weeks of rest from any active canser care, here we were back on the all too familiar road to Tom Baker. My 'focused' self was back...my only thoughts were for the the prep.

We parked and walked into the elevators to go down the basement. Radiation is kind of a freaky thing - at least to me - and I found it a bit unnerving that the radiation units are in the basement. Basements are tied to spooky childhood memories of shutting off the light and running up the stairs while feeling like "they" were chasing you. And in movies it's always bad news when the characters go to the basement to "check out that noise". Now here I was going to the bowels of the hospital to get prepped for the part of my treatment that made me the most nervous.

Thankfully it's quite well lit and looks just like the other floors of the hospital and all the docs, technicians and nurses there have the best beside manner! There are even windows on one side where you can also walk outside and have quite the view. We checked in at the front desk and were given directions on where we had to go.

"Once you get there, put your canser card in the holder on the wall, and sit in the chairs. Someone will come get you..."

Ok.

I've had a CT and a few x-rays so the CT scan wasn't worrying me....but there were those pesky tattoos....

Anyways we sat and just as she had told us, a man in scrubs came to get me and showed me where to change - from the waist up - and then told me to go back and wait till someone came to get me.

Phil held my hand as many thoughts tumbled around in my head. Bigger thoughts than just the tattoos...

How far I had come and all I had endured so far. How I was really going ahead with radiation even if it scared me. How this fear was different than chemo but similar in some ways. Wondering if I was making all the right choices and if anyone knew 100% in their heart before they started if it was right for them. How I was entering another bit of unknown...

And then the same guy came back and got me and took me to a (relatively) small room with a machine that was similar to the "needle in the boob" sentinel node biopsy machine. There was a "bed" that I had to lay on my back. They got me comfy and then because of my foggy brain I can't remember which they did first...the tattoos or the CT...For the CT scan they had me put my arms above my head (while laying down) holding onto 2 handles that were above my head. They put cushions on either side of my elbows so my arms were resting and comfortable. They they left the room to take the scan. They told me I could breath normal but to be sure to lay very still. No IV's or needles (hooray!!) so it was fine. Maybe a tiny bit of apprehension because they were taking a scan...and what if they saw something new? But that thought passed quickly and I just closed my eyes and tried to visualise I was elsewhere. Like a beach...with hard ground...that wasn't that hot lol

The tattoo part wasn't too bad. I had to get 3. I was still laying on the bed and both my arms were removed from the gown which was lowered to my waist. My arms were still above me and I saw the technician holding the needle and a small blue vile. He came towards one side where one of my drains was previously and quickly pierced the skin with his small needle and in a blink it was done. I didn't feel a thing. My skin there was still numb from surgery. It takes time for the nerve endings to regrow (and some people don't ever get all the feeling back) so hooray for slow growing nerve endings! Cause when he went to do the middle tattoo, which is about 6 inches or so above my bellybutton, I was NOT numb and although it was quick, I defiantly felt it! It made me a bit nervous for the next one, on the other side where my other drain was previously. But I didn't feel anything on that side either...

After checking me over he decided he needed to touch up the middle (sensitive!) one cause it was hard to see. Now that I was expecting 'feeling', it wasn't bad. I had marker on me too - kinda looked like Ethan got into markers while I fell asleep and drew a treasure map with a few X marks the spots ha ha. It maybe took 15 minutes total from start to finish for the CT and tattoos! They are very efficient.

Even though it was minor stuff, I was very happy to be done. Every step propels me forward. Each step counts. I was one step closer to being done treatment.

Next on the agenda was the radiation class. Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Kelly didn't go to hers and she has been faring quite well through her treatment. Would ignorance be bliss?

I was already nervous about getting radiation. What if this class scared me more? My first appointment with my radiation oncologist was sobering. It was also chemo week so I know that may have tainted what she told me. But it made me wonder if this class would be full of stats and information I didn't want to know.

I didn't share any of this with Phil. We were scheduled to go and regardless of what else they covered, they would go over skin care and side effects, which was information I needed. Not just for me, but to ensure Emmy and Ethan were prepared as well. There's lots of stuff on this road I haven't wanted to do, but I've done it anyways. This was another one of those things.

And anyways, since when has running away from your fears ever helped?

I also reminded myself that thus far, information has (mostly) been my friend. It's usually helped alleviate fears, not compound them.

So we entered the presentation room and took a seat near the front. Here we go...

And it was all good. Nothing too scary. Just went over how the treatment works, where it is and then into skin care. There's a cream called Glaxal cream that they told everyone to get. I'll have to put it on 3-4 times a day everyday till treatment is over. Nothing with perfumes etc is allowed on the skin and they recommended Dove soap to clean the area...I've never been a Dove fan so I'll pick up some unscented Rocky Mountain soap instead. And I am sure I won't like the ingredients in the Glaxal cream but everyone I know used it so for once I will just use it. I honestly wouldn't trust anything else unless someone who went through radiation in the same area as me used it and found it worked well.

The thing is your skin can redden and blister from treatment. They also talked about if you develop any "open areas" how the nurse can show you how to dress it with a Glaxal bandage...I didn't ask what "open areas" means but it sounds awful. I pictured an open, blistered wound in my mind...and quickly banished the thought.

Radiation is similar to chemo in the sense that as you go along the effects can show and worsen and they "peak" 7-10 days after your last treatment. Fatigue is big and the main side effect. Also, the skin changes mentioned above as well as skin discolouration, tenderness or irritation and peeling.

Exercise is supposed to help and the more rigorous the exercise, the more it helps. So I'll have to go in with the same mindset as chemo - no matter how tired I am, I gotta at least walk. If even the docs are saying it, then to me it's part of treatment.

As we walked out of the room, I tucked all these bits of info away in my brain. Now was not the time to focus on radiation - I wasn't starting till December 29 and we were only Dec 1. There would be plenty of time to make a plan. Today I was at my limits with info and prep work. I put all the info in a part of my brain, closed the door and locked it. The key was tucked safely away till I needed it.

Now I got to look forward to getting the kind of fake boobs that were instant and needed no surgery (or recovery...aren't those the best kind??). I was curious. And excited. Maybe Phil was too? I was wondering what it was all about so I can't imagine what was going through his mind lol.

At Compassionate Beauty we were greeted as usual and brought back to a room with a small wall full of hanging bras and another wall full of boxes...like shoe boxes. Complete with sizes! The lady looked at Phil and after we introduced ourselves said "well I think you're the first man to come with a woman for a fitting".

I wondered if maybe it was cause other women preferred another woman with them? Or maybe most men would be too shy to come? Then I was saddened by the thought that maybe some women were not confident in how they looked post surgery and would not be comfortable with their spouse seeing their prosthetic breasts?

If Phil had any reservations about coming, he said nothing to me. When I asked him about the appointment he only said "Sure, call and book it and we can go after radiation prep,  we can go on the way home from Tom Baker."

I hoped the comment of him being the first didn't make him feel bad or weird.

When I told her a bit about what I looked like before, about reconstruction and how I wanted prosthetics that would be smaller than what I was, like a 'B' or 'C' she went right into those boxes and started looking. When she found a set, she grabbed a (rather ugly) shapeless bra, that was built more like a sports bra cause it was built for comfort, and slipped the breasts in. She looked from Phil to me and asked if I wanted Phil out of the room while I changed. I smiled and thought "I guess I'm not your everyday mastectomy patient" and pulled off my shirt.

I put the bra on and when I turned and faced the mirror, I just stared at myself. The bra was awful, the size wasn't quite right, but the woman I saw gazing back at me looked whole again. I laughed with pleasure and cupped my fake boobs to feel their weight and marvelled at how real they looked. I had gotten so used to my bare chest but in an instant I was reminded of the woman I once was. I slipped on my t-shirt and in that moment I was happy for so many reasons. I realised I had truly accepted my new body. But I could also find joy in wearing just a t-shirt without a scarf and look just like a 'normal' woman. It was amazing! I'm sure the consultant thought I was narcissistic because I just kept looking in the mirror while turning this way and that. What really made my joy complete was when I removed the boobs while she got a different (and nicer!) bra and different size prosthetics and I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my slightly damaged body. I stood a little taller and for the first time truly saw the scars that run across my chest as badges of honour. I had been through the trenches, and though I didn't come out unscathed, I was still here. I loved the idea of the prosthetics, but I didn't need them.

I can't tell you how liberating that is.

When I put the prettier bra on, and put my t-shirt back on I looked critically at the image reflecting back at me.

"Maybe these are too big. They look similar to the size I had before..."

"No, they aren't" Phil piped up....When I still looked unconvinced, he added "trust me".

I laughed. Well if anyone would notice he would lol. 

The consultant tried to convince me the bra I had on was more for "when you go out for a nice evening" but compared to my Victoria's Secret and Knickers & Lace collection, this bra was just an average bra, nothing special. But it worked, and had the special pockets for the prosthetics so I was sold. I've mentioned how Phil's mom is an awesome seamstress and I'm hoping that I can go pick up a few $20 off the rack regular bras from La Senza and see if she can sew pockets in them. I do not plan on spending $80 a pop for bras I wouldn't have looked twice at before that will only be used till I get my reconstruction. Nor do I plan on wearing my new girls everyday. 

Anyways, I wore them out of the store (ha like new boots!) and I even noticed how my coat did up differently with them on! I was quite happy with my purchases. 

I had the perfect opportunity to give them a test drive that evening - I was meeting up with The Girls. The amazing women in my life that I have met while going through treatment who are also on breast canser paths themselves...There are 7 of us total and 5 of us were able to meet up for dinner at Earls! We were supposed to meet in November but the night we had chosen ended up being a freak snowstorm that made the roads icy and treacherous so we moved it to Dec 1. 

Vanessa and Ashton couldn't make it because they weren't feeling great. But the rest of us - Kelly, Samantha, Tammy, Tracy, and I - were all able to meet up, and it was a great night! I hadn't seen any of them except Kelly since my surgery (because of the infection etc) and so normally I would have just went boobless, but I felt it was a good, safe group to wear them for the first time. 

Kelly and Tracy had only met each other (and me of course) and Samantha, Tammy and I had met at the BRA event. Within minutes of meeting each other, everyone was chatting and the topics varied from chemo tips to hot flash management, to what hair products work best for the really short hair styles we will all go through. We weren't talking about canser directly,  more how to get through the rough parts. It's amazing to me when you take people on this path who either have never met or only once and put them together and see how supportive and amazing they are with each other. It really was something. These ladies have only been in my life a short while, but they already mean so much. 

When everyone was leaving I was about to throw out the idea of getting together again in the new year after Christmas craziness was done when I heard them talking about "when we get together again". So I offered up our house as a next get together...with everyone's family this time. By then only a few of us will still be doing chemo so that will make schedules a bit easier. It's something I am already looking forward to.

What a day!

Great Day To Be Alive - Travis Tritt 

(YouTube - posted by adamweishaupt81)