Sept 14, 2014
I was sorta thinking the whole "highway incident" would be the worst and only bad part about chemo this week. I mean really, isn't that enough?? Apparently not...
I was still feeling the chemo effects all week long. Thursday I woke up with the cold both kids have had the last week or two. My head felt like it was gonna explode from sinus pain (plus "The Headache") and my throat felt like I had razor blades in it. I was also stuffed up. The kids were home with me that day and I was thankful Emmy had school in the morning. I found the energy to get her to the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. That was the day after we got a huge dump of snow so it was pretty chilly.
When we got home I convinced Ethan to watch a movie with me on the couch and I fought to stay awake. We were supposed to have a play date with my friend Rita and her little guy but I didn't want to get them sick and I also had zero energy. Ethan was dying to get outside in the backyard and play in the snow (welcome to Alberta) so I finally let him go out there. Alone. And then I cried. Alot. My mom called just as I was beginning to get upset and I was telling her Ethan was outside by himself and the tears started. My poor parents were at the dentist and came over right from there. I was a bit of a mess - physically and emotionally. I think my mom was worried about me. I finally took an Advil cold and flu and within an hour I felt like a different person. In a good way! My mom still came with me to get Emmy from the bus while my Dad stayed with Ethan.
My parents left as I fed the kids with my mom promising to come back in a while to hang out with me.
Now here's the thing. I'm almost 5 months in, treatment wise. Almost 6 months since this whole nightmare began. I've talked all along how grateful we've been for all the support from everyone. Till now I've had the odd bad day. Chemo weeks are touch and go. I know that. Overall we've been chugging along doing fairly well.
But as chemo has gone along, it's gotten harder. Just everything. The physical issues. Also emotionally. I've joked (and cursed) "chemo brain" or the brain fog you can get while on chemo. It's gotten much, much worse. I lost the same thing like 12 times in the same day. Sometimes more. At first it seemed funny but now it's left me in tears numerous times cause I'm so frustrated with myself.
Along with chemo brain you can also have trouble making decisions. No, I don't mean cause it effects your decision making per sae - but you can feel overwhelmed very easily. Unfortunately this is very true for me. Sometimes as little as 2 or 3 decisions can have me shut down and unable to deal with any of them. I find this part very hard to cope with.
When you combine the brain fog, along with the more severe physical side effects that last longer with each round, it makes this stages of the journey very difficult. Add to that that we have a kind of unknown coming up with surgery - I've never had surgery where I've been given a general anaesthetic. And I"m going to lose both breasts.
(Jeeze, I've kinda got alot going on in my brain..no wonder its foggy!)
So I think now I need support more than ever. But here's the thing - given it's been 5 months, I feel like people are kinda "done with the needy canser thing". So I'm finding it very hard to ask for help. I think in some ways I've pulled back and away from people cause I feel like I'm this endless burden. People have given so much and been unbelievable.
How can I ask for more?
So I've kinda been suffering in silence, but been much more prone to tears cause I'm just hurting so much. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm fed up with chemo.
I'm so so happy there's only 1 left, but if it's worse than this one, I don't know if I can bear it. And I hate that I'm not feeling as much like the warrior I've become, and that I'm not handling this with the grace I wish I could.
Guess chemo is taking it's toll and I hate it. I think I'm at a point again where I need to keep moving forward, but I need friends to lean on. To help carry my broken body and battered spirit a little ways till I can find the strength to carry on on my own two feet again.
And I guess I'm terrified no one will answer the call, not cause I don't have amazing people in my life, but because they are tapped out from all the giving they have already done.
How can I ask for more?
All these feelings I've kept bottled up the last few weeks have left me feeling so alone. I don't know if you remember from when I started my blog, but alone for me is the absolute worst feeling. I get my strength from the people in my life. Feeling alone is my kryptonite.
Sadly how I've been feeling emotionally is not the other bad thing that happened this week that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. But I'm filling you in on how I've been feeling cause it was with this mindset that I faced my first fever and bloody nose while on chemo. (ya, its' really not been a good week!!)
So as Thurs went on, I just felt worse and worse. Phil finished work early and came home so I was able to go lay down once he arrived. I am not a napper - never have been so that was not really a good sign. I felt cold. I got under my duvet fully clothed - and dozed. I ate a bit of supper and while at the table started to get the chills. Not good. I could feel a bubble of fear growing inside. I took my temp. 37.5. Hmm... Fever is 38 and I'm usually 36.9ish. 30 min later I took my temp again. 37.9. Fear grew more. If you get a fever while on chemo, there is a very likely chance you will win a trip to the hospital. From day 1 my docs and nurses have scared me silly about the seriousness of fevers. I started texting Kelly.
I resorted to trying to pretend I didn't have chills. ha. Oh the things we do when we're scared. So I'm sitting on the couch with Em and Ethan and all I can think is "will they wake up in the AM and I'll be in the hospital?". And I immediately got a huge lump in my throat. Then I text my mom asking if she can come make me some soup. I was feeling so rotten (Advil had worn off and you can't take anything if you think you may have fever incase you go to hospital - they need to make sure its not infection causing fever) that I couldn't even fathom making soup. I texted my mom cause of my feeling of being a burden to Phil. I felt Phil had enough to deal with since he had kids to put to bed etc. And then I agonised about texting her cause she also has been so giving and around when I need her that I felt like I was the most selfish person on earth and being a total drama queen if I couldn't make my own damn soup. Phil didn't know I had texted her then was confused as to why when I told him. "I can just make the soup" he said.
And next thing I'm texting him (he's downstairs) apologising, my temp hits 38.1, my kids are sitting beside me and I'm slowing dissolving into tears - hiccups, runny nose, red eyes and all! Real beauty! My mom at this point is coming no matter what (I tried to convince her I was fine but she knew better - and I'm thankful she came).
My nurse told me day 1 at my first appointment if my temp ever hit 38.5 to call chemo line and that likely I'd end up going to hospital.
So I started drinking water like crazy to try to get my temp down. I think I drank 3 pints within an hour! I took my temp after the kids went to bed and it was 37.5! I didn't want to get too excited but I continued drinking that water and put another layer on so I was not cold but not too warm either. And we waited. I took again half hour later - 37.2!! The relief was immense. When my mom left is was 36.9. I slept like a log that night - probably a combo of the stress relief, all the crying and not feeling good.
I woke up next morning with a sore nose, esp one nostril. Like when it's too dry. I got up so happy that I hadn't had to go to hospital the night before and when I blew my nose, saw some blood. I think the remaining blood in my veins ran cold. The blood kept coming. Fear was immediately back. I've never had a nosebleed. Like in my life. Kimmy used to get nosebleeds when we were young so it's not like I wasn't familiar with them. But any bleeding while on chemo is scary. Esp on the heels of having a fever the night before. At one point there was like a 6 inch pure blood clot thingy that came out - sorry totally not trying to be gross - but I could feel the terror course through me at the sight. The funny part (in hindsight) is that my immediate first though was "could that be brain tissue??". It wasn't funny at the time, but I do chuckle when I think of it since...apparently my spazzy nature is still there somewhere lol.
Anyways, I didn't know if any of this was considered normal, or "acceptable" while on chemo. I finally got the blood to stop probably 15 minutes later.
I called the chemo line once it was 'open' and the nurse called me back an hour later. Basically she figures I'm just fighting a virus. The fever she said is mainly an issue if I were to get 3 consecutive readings of 38.4 or higher 3 hours in a row (taking my temp once every hour). Good to know.
As for the bloody nose she said if it bleeds for an hour without stopping to go to hospital..I can tell you had that happened we would have been at hospital before an hour and they would have been dealing with very freaked out lil bald lady!! But good to know your nose can bleed for an hour and they are not concerned...I guess!
Kelly told me she had a bloody nose too once (while on chemo) Another friend I've met through my blog, Judit, who is also on a canser journey, told me she's had one before as well while on chemo. So it happens...which made me feel WAY better.
Thankfully there have been no more bloody noses and no other fevers or chills. Which is probably really good cause I don't know how much more "teary Cindy" my mom or Phil could take.
My mom took me to the mall later that Friday and I think getting out of the house helped cause I felt more like myself by that night. I told my mom and Phil too how I'd been feeling so that helped too. By Saturday I finally felt "the turn" where I'm finally (mostly) back to myself. Chemo week though lasted a week and a half. Yuck.
But next week I start my yoga and Qigong classes at Wellspring. I"m also meeting with the surgeon to hopefully get a surgery date. And I go for my physically assessment for the BEAUTY program at the Thrive Lab at U of C. (they will do a 2nd assessment in 2 weeks then give me a personalised work out program for the gym!)
So I know its going to be a good week. And Saturday is my fundraiser with all my friends and family and support. So if it's strength I need, it's going to be a great event to recharge.
I can't wait.
I was sorta thinking the whole "highway incident" would be the worst and only bad part about chemo this week. I mean really, isn't that enough?? Apparently not...
I was still feeling the chemo effects all week long. Thursday I woke up with the cold both kids have had the last week or two. My head felt like it was gonna explode from sinus pain (plus "The Headache") and my throat felt like I had razor blades in it. I was also stuffed up. The kids were home with me that day and I was thankful Emmy had school in the morning. I found the energy to get her to the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. That was the day after we got a huge dump of snow so it was pretty chilly.
When we got home I convinced Ethan to watch a movie with me on the couch and I fought to stay awake. We were supposed to have a play date with my friend Rita and her little guy but I didn't want to get them sick and I also had zero energy. Ethan was dying to get outside in the backyard and play in the snow (welcome to Alberta) so I finally let him go out there. Alone. And then I cried. Alot. My mom called just as I was beginning to get upset and I was telling her Ethan was outside by himself and the tears started. My poor parents were at the dentist and came over right from there. I was a bit of a mess - physically and emotionally. I think my mom was worried about me. I finally took an Advil cold and flu and within an hour I felt like a different person. In a good way! My mom still came with me to get Emmy from the bus while my Dad stayed with Ethan.
My parents left as I fed the kids with my mom promising to come back in a while to hang out with me.
Now here's the thing. I'm almost 5 months in, treatment wise. Almost 6 months since this whole nightmare began. I've talked all along how grateful we've been for all the support from everyone. Till now I've had the odd bad day. Chemo weeks are touch and go. I know that. Overall we've been chugging along doing fairly well.
But as chemo has gone along, it's gotten harder. Just everything. The physical issues. Also emotionally. I've joked (and cursed) "chemo brain" or the brain fog you can get while on chemo. It's gotten much, much worse. I lost the same thing like 12 times in the same day. Sometimes more. At first it seemed funny but now it's left me in tears numerous times cause I'm so frustrated with myself.
Along with chemo brain you can also have trouble making decisions. No, I don't mean cause it effects your decision making per sae - but you can feel overwhelmed very easily. Unfortunately this is very true for me. Sometimes as little as 2 or 3 decisions can have me shut down and unable to deal with any of them. I find this part very hard to cope with.
When you combine the brain fog, along with the more severe physical side effects that last longer with each round, it makes this stages of the journey very difficult. Add to that that we have a kind of unknown coming up with surgery - I've never had surgery where I've been given a general anaesthetic. And I"m going to lose both breasts.
(Jeeze, I've kinda got alot going on in my brain..no wonder its foggy!)
So I think now I need support more than ever. But here's the thing - given it's been 5 months, I feel like people are kinda "done with the needy canser thing". So I'm finding it very hard to ask for help. I think in some ways I've pulled back and away from people cause I feel like I'm this endless burden. People have given so much and been unbelievable.
How can I ask for more?
So I've kinda been suffering in silence, but been much more prone to tears cause I'm just hurting so much. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm fed up with chemo.
I'm so so happy there's only 1 left, but if it's worse than this one, I don't know if I can bear it. And I hate that I'm not feeling as much like the warrior I've become, and that I'm not handling this with the grace I wish I could.
Guess chemo is taking it's toll and I hate it. I think I'm at a point again where I need to keep moving forward, but I need friends to lean on. To help carry my broken body and battered spirit a little ways till I can find the strength to carry on on my own two feet again.
And I guess I'm terrified no one will answer the call, not cause I don't have amazing people in my life, but because they are tapped out from all the giving they have already done.
How can I ask for more?
All these feelings I've kept bottled up the last few weeks have left me feeling so alone. I don't know if you remember from when I started my blog, but alone for me is the absolute worst feeling. I get my strength from the people in my life. Feeling alone is my kryptonite.
Sadly how I've been feeling emotionally is not the other bad thing that happened this week that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. But I'm filling you in on how I've been feeling cause it was with this mindset that I faced my first fever and bloody nose while on chemo. (ya, its' really not been a good week!!)
So as Thurs went on, I just felt worse and worse. Phil finished work early and came home so I was able to go lay down once he arrived. I am not a napper - never have been so that was not really a good sign. I felt cold. I got under my duvet fully clothed - and dozed. I ate a bit of supper and while at the table started to get the chills. Not good. I could feel a bubble of fear growing inside. I took my temp. 37.5. Hmm... Fever is 38 and I'm usually 36.9ish. 30 min later I took my temp again. 37.9. Fear grew more. If you get a fever while on chemo, there is a very likely chance you will win a trip to the hospital. From day 1 my docs and nurses have scared me silly about the seriousness of fevers. I started texting Kelly.
I resorted to trying to pretend I didn't have chills. ha. Oh the things we do when we're scared. So I'm sitting on the couch with Em and Ethan and all I can think is "will they wake up in the AM and I'll be in the hospital?". And I immediately got a huge lump in my throat. Then I text my mom asking if she can come make me some soup. I was feeling so rotten (Advil had worn off and you can't take anything if you think you may have fever incase you go to hospital - they need to make sure its not infection causing fever) that I couldn't even fathom making soup. I texted my mom cause of my feeling of being a burden to Phil. I felt Phil had enough to deal with since he had kids to put to bed etc. And then I agonised about texting her cause she also has been so giving and around when I need her that I felt like I was the most selfish person on earth and being a total drama queen if I couldn't make my own damn soup. Phil didn't know I had texted her then was confused as to why when I told him. "I can just make the soup" he said.
And next thing I'm texting him (he's downstairs) apologising, my temp hits 38.1, my kids are sitting beside me and I'm slowing dissolving into tears - hiccups, runny nose, red eyes and all! Real beauty! My mom at this point is coming no matter what (I tried to convince her I was fine but she knew better - and I'm thankful she came).
My nurse told me day 1 at my first appointment if my temp ever hit 38.5 to call chemo line and that likely I'd end up going to hospital.
So I started drinking water like crazy to try to get my temp down. I think I drank 3 pints within an hour! I took my temp after the kids went to bed and it was 37.5! I didn't want to get too excited but I continued drinking that water and put another layer on so I was not cold but not too warm either. And we waited. I took again half hour later - 37.2!! The relief was immense. When my mom left is was 36.9. I slept like a log that night - probably a combo of the stress relief, all the crying and not feeling good.
I woke up next morning with a sore nose, esp one nostril. Like when it's too dry. I got up so happy that I hadn't had to go to hospital the night before and when I blew my nose, saw some blood. I think the remaining blood in my veins ran cold. The blood kept coming. Fear was immediately back. I've never had a nosebleed. Like in my life. Kimmy used to get nosebleeds when we were young so it's not like I wasn't familiar with them. But any bleeding while on chemo is scary. Esp on the heels of having a fever the night before. At one point there was like a 6 inch pure blood clot thingy that came out - sorry totally not trying to be gross - but I could feel the terror course through me at the sight. The funny part (in hindsight) is that my immediate first though was "could that be brain tissue??". It wasn't funny at the time, but I do chuckle when I think of it since...apparently my spazzy nature is still there somewhere lol.
Anyways, I didn't know if any of this was considered normal, or "acceptable" while on chemo. I finally got the blood to stop probably 15 minutes later.
I called the chemo line once it was 'open' and the nurse called me back an hour later. Basically she figures I'm just fighting a virus. The fever she said is mainly an issue if I were to get 3 consecutive readings of 38.4 or higher 3 hours in a row (taking my temp once every hour). Good to know.
As for the bloody nose she said if it bleeds for an hour without stopping to go to hospital..I can tell you had that happened we would have been at hospital before an hour and they would have been dealing with very freaked out lil bald lady!! But good to know your nose can bleed for an hour and they are not concerned...I guess!
Kelly told me she had a bloody nose too once (while on chemo) Another friend I've met through my blog, Judit, who is also on a canser journey, told me she's had one before as well while on chemo. So it happens...which made me feel WAY better.
Thankfully there have been no more bloody noses and no other fevers or chills. Which is probably really good cause I don't know how much more "teary Cindy" my mom or Phil could take.
My mom took me to the mall later that Friday and I think getting out of the house helped cause I felt more like myself by that night. I told my mom and Phil too how I'd been feeling so that helped too. By Saturday I finally felt "the turn" where I'm finally (mostly) back to myself. Chemo week though lasted a week and a half. Yuck.
But next week I start my yoga and Qigong classes at Wellspring. I"m also meeting with the surgeon to hopefully get a surgery date. And I go for my physically assessment for the BEAUTY program at the Thrive Lab at U of C. (they will do a 2nd assessment in 2 weeks then give me a personalised work out program for the gym!)
So I know its going to be a good week. And Saturday is my fundraiser with all my friends and family and support. So if it's strength I need, it's going to be a great event to recharge.
I can't wait.
Official video - Brett Kissel (Albertan!) Tough People Do (YouTube)
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