Oh What A Week...

June 13, 2014

(below taken from The Optimism Revolution on FaceBook)

Have I mentioned how much I hate nausea? Like with a passion. Chemo day this time wasn't great. It started out great. I took Daisy for a run at 6:30AM.

But I couldn't shake the negative nauseous association from last round. I tried visualisation. I tried talking up a storm (surprise I know...). Going on Facebook. Nothing distracted me enough. After the first drug I could feel my stomach turning. Ug.

It was probably what they call "anticipatory" nausea - that's where the mere thought of the nausea to come causes you to be nauseous. Not exactly the kind of "mind over matter" I was hoping for lol.

But this time I had my "as needed" nausea pills with me and didn't hesitate to take one. I even had a ginger ale (at the hospital). Me. I haven't had anything other than water, tea and smoothies (and the very rare beer or glass of red wine) It was kinda surgery. But it helped settle my stomach.

I hate the nauseous days cause its challenging staying positive when you feel so wretched. It came in waves those time but those "as needed" pills helped.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I kept second guessing the "good" idea of dosing me with a neut count at 1.4. I kept hearing the nurse say from that 1st round of chemo when she was explaining how counts come into play and "anything under 1.5 we don't dose cause it can be fatal". What's worse is I had been keeping it in for a few days cause I didn't want to scare or upset anyone else. I  know, but in the moment it seemed like my own burden to bear. 

And I was also upset that if next round my counts drop again that chemo will be delayed and that will screw everything up. Apparently when I feel bad beating myself up comes easily.

Good news is the ultrasound is today. I will call my Kinda Handsome Surgeon after and hopefully get in so we can talk strategies. I'm so hoping he will agree with 6 rounds (total). I think if its still 8 I'll cry. 3 more rounds seems much more tolerable than 5 more. At least today it seems that way to me.

However, the next round , if I'm only doing 6, will be the D drug in FECD. The one everyone keeps telling me is "harder on the body" than the current cocktail. Including the nurses. I really wish they wouldn't do that. I guess they have to prepare you, but if you keep telling someone its going to be bad, guess what's gonna happen? So if its only 6 I'll be nervous for the next round cause its a new drug. That they've kinda been scaring me about. And it'll be that beastly "unknown" again since the first time you have no idea how your body will react. I hate unknown...Fun fun.

Oh and I asked about the watery eyes and sore forearm - all side effects (and no no blindness lol). Not much I can do about it (nails on chalkboard again). Nurse said I could try Claritin if it's a real pain. But I think I prefer watery eyes vs. putting more drugs into me. I'm kinda sick of drugs in my system. As for my arm, I may start putting a 2lb weight on my wrist when I run on that arm to try go strengthen it. Nurse figures my right arm is probably stronger with bigger veins cause I'm right handed. Hence my idea to (gently) try to strengthen my left. What is it going to hurt to try? I'll listen to my body. As always.

I have to say - this whole experience has really tuned me into my own body. You don't realise how disconnected you can become. With chemo, the exercise, the side effects - it makes you pay attention. Which can be daunting when you feel pain but its nice to be aware of your body and coming up with some intuitive ways to help it. None of which have made things worse. I'm glad cause it's nice to have some level of confidence in what you're doing. Cause most days I feel like I don't have a clue. So I'm learning.

My next post is going to be all the good stuff from last week and this week - need to focus on my blessings , not the negative. I have to much to be grateful for and remembering that always helps when I 'm feeling down. So it should be a perky one...although there's been some pretty touching stuff so I can't guarantee a few tears...but the good kind ;)

Good News Monday

June 9, 2014 (late post from Monday)

It's been 6 weeks since I last met with my oncologist. In that time I've had 3 blood tests, been nauseous, lost almost all my hair and tried to stay positive through it all. 

Today I got news that helped give me the boost I needed going into my 3rd round of chemo tomorrow. Doc confirmed : lump feels smaller and lymph nodes feel smaller too!!! Going into chemo doc "measured" me with tape measure and lump was about 8cm. Ultrasound put it (more accurately) at 3 x 4.6 x 5.2 (cm). Better than tape measure but still grew alot from the original mammogram which put it at 3x2 cm. Today, from feeling it only, doc put it at 3x2cm. If you haven't noticed, that is the original size! (like I thought it was...) He also felt my lymph nodes and was pleased with them as well. I finally had the courage to ask how big they were going into chemo. He said they were about 2x3cm (from ultrasound) Now he thought they felt more like pea sized!

I think I got an instant grin that stayed there all day (Phil may or may not have had a matching grin!) I didn't know if I should hug him, kiss him or do a happy dance right there in that room!! 

So he's sending me for an ultrasound to get a better picture and accurate measurements. For once no dread for this test! 

I will also meet with the surgeon in the next couple of weeks. Depending on what ultrasound shows and if surgeon can get surgery time at hospital, I may only need 6 rounds of chemo instead of 8! Which would mean tomorrow would be halfway :) 

Not getting ahead of myself though. If the surgeon can't get a surgery date within a reasonable amount of time after the 6th round they will likely just stick with 8 rounds. The reason is they don't want it to grow back if there was a too much of lag in between.

The only not so great news was my "neut" count dropped again. Neutes are the infection fighting "generals" that the chemo team live and die by. If your neutes go below 1.5 they won't dose you as it can be fatal. 

Pre-chemo my neutes were at 3.9. The normal range is from 2-9. Before my 2nd chemo they dropped to 1.9. Today they were at 1.4. I thought that would mean chemo would be delayed . Doc decided since I'm tolerating it well, he will reduce the dose by 10%. He also said not everyone metabolises the chemo at the same rate. My liver may not have the time to metabolise the dose currently, hence the other reason for the 10% reduction. He said he felt quite comfortable with this, so I'm not worried. 

But I do find it frustrating that they said there isn't much I can do to "up" that number. You may have noticed I like attacking issues as they come up, head on. The words "you can't control this" is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. 

So I've decided this round to do a few things and see if they are right. Or wrong.

1. No booze. At all. This is going to suck
2. Add more veggies to my diet. I've been not as diligent about increasing this so now is the time to re-enforce
3. Make sure I"m getting enough protein and iron.
4. Exercise. Everyday. I didn't run today cause I was tired after being out all morning but I plan on going first thing before chemo tomorrow.

By the way, the nurse said the fatigue I feel in week 3 may be my body repairing itself, not counts dropping. Which also makes me more determined to give it the best fuel possible to try to at least stabilise the counts.

So was a good visit with mostly good news (well, the neut thing didn't seem to bother them as much as me)

Ready for (though dreading) round 3....  

"Chasing Angels or Fleeing Demons, Go To The Mountains". - Jeffrey Rasley

June 8, 2014

So our plans to get away overnight in the mountains were thwarted by my pretty significant fatigue this last week. I just had no energy. Well, I mustered up enough to start running to get ready for my 5K in Oct (3 runs in and so far its...tolerable...I guess...ug) Actually, to be honest running was one of the few times I didn't feel tired this week, and for about half hour to an hour afterwards. It actually gave me energy...Who knew?? 

But getting the energy to ready the trailer was not in the books. The docs say week 1 - acute symptoms, week 2 - immense fatigue (cause all your blood counts drop) then week 3 - back to normal before they dose you again. Well, I think my counts drop late (technically they can drop anywhere between day 7-14 after chemo) I think mine drop day 13 or there abouts cause the bone deep fatigue started last Sunday and I was half as tired by Friday, and then back to normal by Saturday. I'll be tracking it to see if I'm right, but I vaguely remember being tired in my third week after my first round too. 

So we just went up to Bobbi and Eric's cabin in Kananaskis for the day. Wow! What an awesome spot!! And I was so happy to find myself amongst the mountains once again the weekend before my next round of chemo. 

Aside from great company (and a MacGyver of the forest - give Eric a toothpick and you have no worries - even with grizzlies in the area lol) breathtaking beautiful views and the crisp fresh air, we saw a grizzly on the side of the road!! 

Like a LIVE one! 

It was just a little guy(ok, little for a grizzly - he was probably bigger than me) I think only a few years old. Eric mentioned it should still be with its mother but they think something happened to the mom. It was sure something seeing one up close! I'm very glad however that it was from the vehicle and not while we went for our walk after supper to the (half dry) lake at the bottom of their cabin...I'm pretty sure everyone could outrun me so that wouldn't be good lol...

Speaking of the lake, they held back the water (from the upper lake via dam) cause I think they are trying to avoid the same devastation from the flood last year...I can't believe its been almost a year already...The province is still recovering. It's kinda strange that last summer my sole purpose was helping in flood recovery, and this summer its trying to beat a killer in my own body...
You really never know what life has in store for you. 

Although, should we flood again this summer (I don't think they are predicting that but they are watching the snow melt in the mountains with an eagle eye) you can bet canser is not going to stop me from jumping in if it's needed...maybe not going into mold filled homes again - I'm not that crazy with my immune system being non-existent - but in whatever capacity I can help I will.

Anyways being in the mountains was great. The kids had a blast! And I even got to try my hand at using a sling shot...not that I could actually hit anything (no, not animals, dangling beer cans). Phil, Eric and "competitive Bobbi" (lol) all hit the cans multiple times - I tried to pull the canser card but they weren't buying it ha ha...

The kids biked up and down the road , played soccer and checked out all the various swings and nearby brush...They loved every minute! So did we...Bobbi and I decided there will be a mid-week girls night in my future...So heads up Liz! (and possibly any of my SOS girls who have an extra day or two vacation...) We can add a few cougars to the mountains :) 

Tomorrow I see my oncologist who I haven't seen in 6 weeks (last chemo fell day after stat) So I have some questions...My eyes the last 2 weeks have been watering like crazy. I (kinda) joked to Phil "I hope I'm not going blind". Then I wondered if maybe my eyelashes started falling out (since they block all kinds of stuff from going into your eyeballs). But how often do you look carefully at your eyelashes?! So I have no idea...

The muscles in my left forearm (top and bottom) have been sensitive to the touch since my last treatment (not even the same arm they put the drugs into) Like it hurts to pull long sleeves up my arm. There was also a red section on my vein the first week so not sure if the drugs irritated the vein, the muscle(s) or both. Another question for the doc...

Chemo is a very strange world. You kinda take alot of things in stride. I actually found myself wondering if the chemo (that appears to be working) was actually making me blind , would that be enough reason to stop? Is giving up your sight a fair enough trade off for your life? (I have no idea by the way if blindness or eyes being affected long term is an actual side effect, but it got me thinking).

On a lighter note, as I swatted a mosquito away today, I also wondered if a mosquito would die from biting me within 72 hrs of chemo?? If its toxic enough to irritate veins in a creature my size, I'm sure it would do damage to a mosquito?? Or maybe they would sense (or smell??) it and not come near me?

B.C. (before canser) I never wondered about any of these things...

I'm a little more apprehensive for this dose given how nauseous the last one made me but I'm trying to focus on the canser fighting abilities rather than the side effects. And all those chemo pros I've spoken to told me every dose was different so I'm hoping the last one was an anomaly.

Guess I'll find out...

Oh and there were some pretty awesome Silver Linings this week that I'll put in a future blog (likely this week if I need to focus on the good stuff lol)

"Impossible Is Not a Declaration. Its a Dare" - Muhammad Ali

June 4, 2014

So I may have mentioned my "distaste" for my current veggie infused diet...(and by diet I don't mean as in weight loss, I mean as in the food I consume)

It's been hard and challenging and a huge learning curve. I've discovered veggies I didn't know existed and feel like I eat more spinach than Popeye.

Months before I was diagnosed, I started trying to lose some weight and get back into some sort of shape that wasn't round. I've never been obsessed with the numbers on the scale. My weight though has a "sweet spot" that it likes to stay at.

Or it did until I had kids...with Emmy the weight came off pretty quick...but with Ethan I lost a little, and then nothing...

Before Christmas I got on the scale. Canser must have made me crazy, cause before I would never have posted publicly what I weigh...And the number on the scale was a number I've never been at before pregnancy. 

It read 146lbs.

I'm 5ft nothing, and even with my somewhat stocky frame, that's high!! My "fat" clothes were tight - not good!

So that's why I started at the gym (at work) and Zumba. Was going three times a week. Then after Christmas, I started going five times a week. Even signed up for an intense circuit class. My friends Emma and Stacy came with me to a few then signed up too! The guys at work used to tease me after classes cause I'd be a red tomato face for the afternoon. They knew how hard a class was by my shade of red.

But the damn scale still read 146. I was "kinda" watching what I ate. I figured the insane exercise would cover me. After a while I started to wonder if the scale was broken cause I could start to see toning, but the number stuck. By February I started refusing to weigh myself. It was so un-motivational.

In the last few months (starting prior to diagnosis) people motioned how I looked like I was starting to lose some weight. Then I started eating all these crazy greens and cutting out pretty much all bad stuff.

No fast food (at all - torture!!). No processed stuff (including chips etc). Hardly any bread. Pretty much no dairy (except little bits of cheese - cheese is my weakness...).

And imagine my immense surprise when I got on the scale on Sunday and looked at the new number.

130.2 lbs. 

I got off and back on three times...I thought maybe it really was broken! 130 (ish) happens to be the weight my body is happy at. In the past getting to less than that was very difficult. I'm healthy at this weight but by no means "skinny".

To be honest, when people told me it looked like I lost weight after I was diagnosed, it hit a nerve. I didn't feel sick so I sure as hell didn't want to look sick. Losing weight is something I was worried about with chemo. Like, losing all my weight...

But with my radical diet change, it makes sense that I'd shed some extra (unhealthy) weight. I haven't done that much hardcore exercise, just walking almost every day and Zumba now and again. And I feel good. I look good too - and I don't mean body shape - I mean I have colour on my cheeks. Lots of people that have seen me since starting chemo say in a surprised voice "you don't even look tired". I'm not sure if as we go along the cumulative chemo effects will make me look sallow, but I truly believe the exercise and healthy diet are huge reasons for the "non-sick" look..and the 16lb weight loss!!!

And no, it's not cause of canser or chemo...I've been on "scale strike" since sometime in Feb so its been almost 4 months since I weighted myself. 16lbs in 4 months is not what I'd call drastic. I'm happy to say I'm thrilled with the new, healthier number. 

And yes Kimmy - we can work on keeping me here (although another 5 lbs would be OK too lol) 

Yesterday I did my first "training" run. I used an app called Get Running. It's a couch to 5k app for people who aren't runners (understatement for me). It was a 28 1/2 minute session, with a warm up and cool down. I ran 8 minutes (broken up amongst brisk walking) and didn't perish or have to radio Phil to come rescue me. So I guess that's a good start...You go out three times a week for 9 weeks and follow all its prompts for when to run, when to walk. Not sure how my chemo weeks will affect my training, but I'll figure that out when it comes (next week...) Maybe running will help lesson the side effects. Here's hoping.

The shoes fit like a dream. Every time my feet hit the pavement I feel like I'm getting one up on the ol canser. Like I'm flashing it the bird with every step. Makes me happy.

Me and my mom went for an hour and half walk today. Part of that was uphill - and it felt great!

I have been feeling pretty tired today and yesterday but I felt great walking today and running yesterday. I have a small boost of energy afterwards, which is great.

I've started adding the protein shake to my smoothies and it tastes great! I think I need to start adding some veggie juices (homemade) to my days on top of the smoothies. The juice and smoothies are always above what I eat for meals. 

A year ago, even 6 months ago, if you told me I'd be training for a 5k, eating like a vegetarian/vegan while fighting for my life I would have laughed. Ya right. No way I could ever do that. 

But I am. So if I can be so presumptuous as to give a piece of advice to anyone out there thinking there's changes in their lives "they could never do", let me tell you - YOU CAN! 

Anyone who knows me , knows I am in NO WAY any kind of closet health junkie. I love(d) fast food. Red Meat. Booze. Hate(d) running (jury's still out on that one...)

And here I am training through chemo. If I can do it, anyone can. Trust me!! I am your average, working mom. But life threw me a huge curve ball so I initially put my mind to it cause I had no other choice. 

And then as I heard about all kinds of amazing feats others who are battling this disease are accomplishing, I asked myself "what's your excuse?".

Truth is, I didn't have one. So here I am.

I got a message yesterday that all you LTM graduates will be interested in. It was from Mrs Cocking. She told me that my decision to run the 5K inspired her to walk or run 5K in Two Mo on the day of the race. 

I inspired someone to run????

I cried...(I know, but they were happy tears)

And so her message also inspired me and added to my determination to train no matter what. If I can't run on chemo days, I can certainly walk. And then pick up where I left off once I'm able to run again.

You are all my champions. But if I can be someones champion in return, then I will gladly accept. 

So Mrs Cocking you have 1 fan across the country who will be cheering you on from now till race day. You will be in my thoughts as I cross that finish line. Even if its in a wheelbarrow...

Best Worst Week

June 3, 2014

Wow. 

This last week has been a crazy mix of big highs and big lows. Dealing with the emotions of my shaved head and wig were a big part of it. But I'm 2 months in since my diagnosis. And its 5 weeks today since chemo started. Between the chemo side effects, the (hard) diet, the no drinking, I guess I had to have a breaking point at some point. 

By Saturday I was fed up. Done. 

Everything was just too damn hard. 

My whole life felt consumed by my breast canser diagnosis. 

7 girlfriends answered the very last minute S.O.S call. I was excited to go out on a girls night. It was LONG overdue, and urgently needed. 

I picked through all my clothes till I found something I felt good in. Getting ready when you have no hair is so much faster! Did my make up, threw on my hair (ha ha) and out we went...

We had a normal, brilliant night out. canser barely came up all night. I was out with 7 strong, funny, beautiful women.

We laughed, and talked and danced. 

No one noticed I was wearing a wig. I was just another girl in the crowd and it felt great! First of many for sure...

It was exactly what I needed. I woke up the next morning more determined. Me and Andrea went to Zumba the next morning and it was fantastic. As always. 

Although she was talking to the instructor after class and I think the instructor (Bev) almost had a fit when she found out I was coming to her class while going through chemo lol. I reassured her I only come when I feel up to it and never during chemo week. She was good after that ha ha....

Honestly, in all I do right now its calculated and careful. I listen to my body always. I read up on stuff, talk to my oncologist and talk to others who have walked this path before me to make sure I'm not doing any no no's. So even if something I mention sounds crazy, I promise it's OK.

I've written about my lows but I can't skip over the other highs. Firstly, my "Mall Angels" or the One Aim bike team have rallied behind me, sending me Facebook messages and leaving messages on my blog. An old friend of Phil's, Mike , sent us a great, encouraging email after learning of the connection between us and the "mall incident". Another woman from the team, Mandy, (I hope this is the right Mandy...) left a message of encouragement on my blog post about The Mall (I don't know her story...yet!).

Nigel, who founded the team, is like a modern day SuperHero. He is a 2x canser survivor (Ewings Sarcoma). He's a canser researcher. He does all these crazy runs, and The Ride which all raise money for canser research/support. I only know a little bit about his story, but I'm amazed by the little I do know.

Another One Aim member, Cam , (whom I've never met) signed up for my Cindo's Rack Attack team (for the Run for The Cure). He has never met me but he's going to run for me. Ya, let that sink in for a moment. Then there's Matt. He is also part of the One Aimers and is in Edmonton. He is a survivor after a long battle with Leukemia. He rode his bike in The Ride to Conquer canser 12 months after he was told he had 0% chance of survival. For those that are not familiar, that is a 223 km bike ride. From Calgary to the Rockies. So for all you "average Joe's" out there like me, it's basically a bike ride for crazy people. They train all year. And I'm pretty sure there's pain involved. Crazy, inspiring, courageous people who have incredible determination and One Aim - to conquer canser. Anyways, he told me I should come to the opening ceremonies cause it's inspiring to see all the yellow flags on the bikes. Anyone who is currently fighting or beat canser gets a yellow flag. Matt puts the names of those he's lost, or are still fighting, or have beat canser on his flag. This amazing individual, whom I have also never met, offered to put my name on his flag and "I'll ride for the both of us". I cried when I read that.

So after hearing from this unbelievable bunch of people and being incredibly inspired (& humbled - again!) I made 2 decisions:

1. I will support this team anyway I can. The next event some of them are participating in is called Joe's Team and is a combo - sprint Triathlon or Duathlon. (told you they were crazy). Me and my family are going to cheer them on. And finally meet them in person!! It's June 21'st if anyone else wants to join me....

2. I am going to run the 5k in Oct for The Run for The Cure. I may be the last one to cross the line, but if I can do my first 5k while going through chemo, what excuse will I have in future?

Did I mention I hate to run? 

So to get motivated I bought myself a treat. Beautes eh?? And part of the proceeds from these shoes goes to breast canser. 

As if all that wasn't a high to last me the rest of the year, my BFF Kimmy (my slave driver nutritionist...ha ha kidding!!) booked a flight. From Toronto to Calgary. To see me. She is going through her own life challenges right now, but she felt I needed her, so here she comes. I cried when I got that text too lol. She will actually be going with me to my Mall Angels event in June!! That makes me so very deliriously happy....

Doesn't end there...(good thing this week was jammed packed with Silver Linings  - it got me through each day when i cried non-happy tears!!) My friend Lisa dropped off everything I need to garden - pots, earth, gloves, watering can and tons of flowers - to surprise me...Which it sure did!! And filled my heart...My other friend Liz drove from Strathmore and dropped off a bunch of herbs (live potted ones) and a beautiful strawberry plant. (also a quick read book and some pics from last summer that - you guessed it - made me cry!) I am so incredibly lucky to have such incredible friends...

Since I was feeling so rough from my chemo the week before, Phil took it upon himself to plant the flowers for me. With some "help" from the kids (apparently patience is his virtue lol). Soon he ran out of plants but we still had a whackload of containers. So he went with Em after soccer and picked up a truckload more...Planted those too. Sunday morning he took both kids to Home Depot and got the last...And planted all those too!! 

Now every time I look out there, I see acts of love. So the flowers make me doubly happy. There are still just a few left for me to plant since I love gardening...

We've also been eating through the delicious meals that my friends Melissa, Lisa (different Lisa) and Erin dropped off...I've savoured every meal that was prepared for us. They have all been amazing...And so helpful esp. during chemo week when I don't feel like cooking. More acts of love. Silver Linings every day. 

So it kinda feels like the worse week and best week all rolled into one...very strange. When you open yourself up to the good things out there, they come back tenfold. I am amazed almost every day by something that someone has done or said. And it just adds fuel to my fire to fight harder and stay focused. So thank you all so very, very much...I am doing so well mostly on account of being surrounded by such love. 

And that's good cause if I am going to run 5k and actually make it across the finish line, I need to be as strong as I can...maybe I should ask if they have wheelchairs (or wheelbarrows!!)  just incase....