May 16, 2014 Well it's started. I'm shedding.... Up till a few days ago I wasn't sure if it was chemo related. I have always had a thick head of hair. And after two pregnancies I noticed every shower how I shed a little. Maybe a few strands. Also whenever I brush my hair. A few more stands. But as of a few days ago (two weeks and a day after my 1st chemo treatment) I'm shedding lots. Each time I run my fingers through my hair (which apparently I do alot...) my hand comes away with a bunch of strands. Like more than a few...less than a handful ha. It was almost alarming this morning - I think there's a guinea pig's worth of hair down my shower drain...I'm finding it on my clothes. In my bed. In the bath. It's only been a few days, and already its annoying as hell. I think it's time. Time for the "badass" look (as my friend Sharon put it) I'm gonna shave it.(next week) I know alot of people may feel sad for me about shaving it. But the thing is, the original cut was more traumatising cause it was the idea of going from this to that:
And that's not a knock to Dani who cut my hair! She did a great job. But when you don't want short hair, you won't like it no matter what it looks like (even if your hubby has a twinkle in his eye lol) Shaving it makes me feel like I'm giving a big F-U to canser. "I'm taking it first". I've planted the seed in Emmy too cause I don't think she'll like it. She didn't like the original cut but now she's ok with it. (although my hair was still "more beautiful" when it was longer lol) It's a bit nerve wracking, the thought of it being all gone...You don't know how vain you really are till you are faced with the decision to significantly alter your appearance (well, "decision" may be a bit strong since it will be gone on its own either way...) Shaving it, for me, is a drastic change since I have pretty much had long hair my whole life. So I'm a little scared. I try not to, but I do wonder what people will really think of me with a shaved head. I don't mean what people will say. I mean that inside voice "holy hell she doesn't look like a woman" or "she looks sick now" Those are probably the ones that bother me the most. Not that anyone would say it (isn't it bad karma to make a canser patient feel bad?? lol) And I don't give alot of thought to it. I mean I'm fighting canser, what the hell do I care what I look like...But I guess I'm vainer than I thought cause those thoughts are there. And it does matter a little to me how I look. And then yesterday I had another sobering thought: What if my hair grows back white? (when it grows back it can be a completely different colour than that you had) Jeeze, maybe it'll be good for my soul (or at least my vanity) to shave it to get me to focus on what really matters - being alive. Which in all honesty is my main focus. But I'm human. And I'm a woman. I'm losing my hair. And may lose my breast (s). Guess It's a bit of a tall order to not be upset about potentially losing the 2 things that make me feel "womanly" (good or bad). Sadly on many canser journey's there is loss and mourning for parts of you (physical or mental) that will never be the same. However, these are part of the journey - they do not make up the whole journey. Thankfully there are way more blessings to be thankful for along this path than things to cry over. And I think it's important to grieve the parts (ha) you need to cause I believe that's how a person grows. And I plan on being 10 foot tall when this is all done :) A Silver Lining: It's not just the hair on my head that's falling out....
May 15, 2014 Last Friday Emily had a Mother's Day tea at her preschool (Appletree.) So the debate was on: To Go, or Not To Go. Why would I even consider not going you may ask? Well, it happened to fall on the infamous DAY 10. This is when your immune system is likely at rock bottom, before it starts to climb back up to normal (or very close to). In a preschool class of 22, you may see precious boys and girls all eager to learn something new and maybe make a friend or two. Right now, while on chemo, I see 22 petri dishes. Who are eager to spread germs. And maybe measles. Phil was not comfortable with me going. But I was so torn cause Emmy is pretty sensitive and with her having to deal with the whole "mommy's sick" thing, I couldn't stand the idea of disappointing her. She had been talking about the tea for the week leading up to it. We (my mom and Phil and a few others) debated all kinds of ideas. Appletree offered for us to come early, and they could put a table separate from the rest off to the side for just Em and I. We could then leave last so I didn't have to leave with everyone and possibly be exposed to germs that way. Or maybe my Mom and I could go and I could just make an appearance for the "important part" and then my mom could do the rest. Make a cameo so to speak. Both these options I would wear a mask (which I also wondered how Emmy would feel if everyone was staring at me - they are kids its completely normal to be curious - but I wasn't sure if she would feel badly or not) And then I had an idea that would give Emmy the best of both worlds, while also eliminating my risk of exposure.My Mom went with her but I was also a part of her day. Right with her. Sorta...
My Mom took Phil's phone and I had mine (in the parking lot lol) We Facetimed for the whole hour! Emmy was thrilled she had both of us and I was so happy to be able to be present at her Mother's Day tea. Even if I was propped up on the tea cart lol But I could oooh and ahhh and clap and laugh and maybe cry a bit at all the right parts. Appletree even sent me down some iced tea down to the parking lot! It was a great use of modern technology and the school was so supportive. And I'm thrilled I now have a "work around" for any future events I may not be physically able to attend! And we have the pics of the "3" of us to laugh about down the road when we reminisce on this crazy time in all our lives.
May 11, 2014 Today being Mother's Day I want to talk about the woman who's behind the reason I have so much strength while going through my cancer challenge.
My Mom is my best friend. She is also one of the strongest people I have ever met. Sadly this strength didn't come without a cost. I mentioned when I was 2 my Dad died of pancreatic cancer. My mom was 33. He was 35. I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like to lose your spouse at such a young age. And to have a toddler to look after as well. She had quit CP when she had me, and now she had to go back. She was a single mother with a mouth to feed and bills to pay. Then in April (he died Dec 26) they had the burial (cause the ground was frozen when he died) The same day she buried her 35 year old husband, I had a bad fever. When she got home from the cemetery (I was at home with family) the doctor called, asked if I still had my fever and then told her to get me to the children's hospital ASAP. She had just brought me to the family doctor a few days before due to what they thought was an ear infection.
It turns out it was not an ear infection. It was worse. Much, much worse. Doc: "Get to the children's hospital immediately. I think it might be meningitis." My Mom was like "what the hell is meningitis??" This was pre vaccine so it wasn't a widely known disease like today - at least not to our family. So my Mom and my Uncle Bob load me up and race to the children's. The day of my Dad's burial. We lived in a small town outside of Montreal called Two Mountains. The hospital is on the island and about a 45 minute (ish) drive. That ride must have been hell.
When they get there, the doctors take me away and the nurse says to my Mom "Ok you and your husband can come and fill out these forms". I think that was the breaking point cause my Mom says to her (in front of the whole waiting room who cringed in sadness) "This isn't my husband! I just buried him today and now my 2 year old is sick with meningitis and I don't know what that means!". How she didn't fall apart into a sobbing heap, I don't know. But she didn't. She just carried on. I was hospitalised for 10 days. My Mom was there from 7Am till after I fell asleep at night. The doctors told her the chance of me coming through this with nothing wrong (if I survived) were slim. I could be deaf. Blind. Paralysed. Great.... But still she carried on. I think I probably fed off her strength when I was there cause I came out of it perfectly normal (ha well my normal but that's not due to meningitis)
She lost her 18 year old brother within a year of that. Some would have been like "Ok, I'm done. But not my Mom. She carried on.
Now her babygirl is diagnosed with the same(ish) wretched disease that took her husband. Being a Mom myself now, I can relate to the terror she must have felt when we broke the news to her. Was she upset? Of course! When your only child tells you she has cancer, that is not a day you'll forget. Did she fall apart? Not my Mom. She has been by my side every step of the way. Brimming with positivity and strength. How could I then be any other way? I don't know any other way. I grew up watching her and learning you face life's challenges - whatever they may be - with Grace. And Strength. A few tears. And a Smile.
She amazes me. Growing up I always hoped I would have even a quarter of the strength she possesses. All the strength I've needed to get me through each day since being diagnosed is entirely thanks to my Mom. She is my hero. She is my role model. And I couldn't ask for a better one. Thanks Mom. I love you. Happy Mother's Day XOXO
May 10, 2014 When it comes to cancer resources, Calgary has some pretty cool stuff to offer. First off there's Wellspring. I don't even know where to start with this amazing non-profit group. So I'll start with the building. It's a house. Like an actual house, with 3 floors, up near COP with all different kinds of rooms and a gym/yoga studio in the basement! It's welcoming as are the wonderful people (mostly volunteers) who run it. It runs on private donations and will be a big part of my life.
Phil and I went up to check it out and have a tour on Tuesday. We were welcomed like family from the moment we walked through the doors. I'm starting to wonder if only amazing people get cancer cause everyone I've met in this club is amazing in their own way. We got a tour by a volunteer who had colon cancer 20 years ago (he's cancer free now) and is still going strong! How inspiring is that?? He volunteers with Wellspring now to give back cause they were such an amazing resource to him. He is also Irish. Like from Ireland. With a soft Irish accent. Could I have asked for a better sign??? At one point we discussed our mutual love of Guinness...By the end of the tour I knew I would be spending a lot of time at this haven, amongst these wonderful people. The house is awesome and the programs they offer are really great. They have all kinds of stuff like yoga classes, meditation, drumming, creative journaling, hikes (in the Kananaskis - I'm signing up for one in July!) support groups, (there's a women's one on Friday afternoons I'm going to check out) And they are all free. Well, sort of. Admission is having cancer. Or caring for someone who does...We got that covered, so we both registered lol I was itching to get back up there so Thursday I went to a visualisation and mediation session. There were 6 other people there (all in different stages & kinds of cancer) plus the wonderful older woman who guides you. I got there 10 minutes late (damn insurance company caught me as i was about to walk out the door) They were chatting about their oncologists and how they always have to wait hours to see them cause the oncologists are always behind. (not complaining just stating the facts) The class was in the Waterfall room (they have a stone waterfall machine in there) I sat on one of the couches between two gentlemen. One was probably in his 40's or 50's and very quiet. The other was closer to my age, maybe just a few years older. Because I was late I didn't catch any names but next session I will be asking. Across from us sat 3 ladies on another soft leather couch. One in her 60's I think. One in her 40's and the other in her 50's I think. Between the 2 couches sat an older lady maybe in her 70's with a soft (German?) accent. She lives in Canmore and drove over an hour to come to Wellspring. Not sure what kind of cancer but she's been doing chemo for 5 years. After meeting her only once I am seriously contemplating asking her next time I see her if I can visit her in Canmore. She is an amazing lady. They all were. I just spent the first ten minutes or so listening to them talk, a bit in awe of this mixed group. They all sounded like pros. And radiated such strength. I could've basked in it all day. One lady (the one in her 50's) has an extremely rare kind of cancer. She was as positive as the rest. Class aside, just being with them was healing in a way I can't explain. Afterwards I felt emotional for the rest of the day. The funny thing I've found with cancer - any cancer- is you have an immediate bond with anyone else who has it, or has had it. They get an intimate part of you no one else can. And they know it right from the first meeting. If you're gonna have some scary disease, it's nice to have such a brilliant Silver Lining. Eventually I found my voice (ha like that was ever in doubt!!) and as they were talking about oncologists and nutrition I piped up about Kimmy and all the info she's given me cause I haven't gotten anything from the doctors, and then I was part of the group. I found out the guy my age is doing some complementary therapies and has a Naturopath. His diet is similar to mine. He also loves red meat so he still eats it now and again but stuff like bison and the good stuff without any antibiotics and all that. I told them about my plan to go to the best steakhouse in Calgary once chemo is done and eat the biggest., juiciest steak I can find. They all through that was a great idea (sorry Kimmy - I can feel you cringe from here...) Ha and my love of Guinness came up. They all decided that Guinness has no gluten (lol) and that once a month is moderation enough for sure, so that will be my Guinness regime lol. See why I love these people already?? One of the women (the one in her 40's) is Irish (weird eh??) And she loves her Guinness as well. She has it once a month so if that's good enough for her (stage 4 breast cancer and going strong) it's good enough for me!! A bunch of them treat themselves on Chemo day ("My Age Guy" goes to Dairy Queen lol) They thought maybe my Guinness day should be on chemo day. Me: "But what if my chemo appointment is in the morning?? Them: "Well then when they ask if you took your medicine, tell them I sure did!" They are awesome. I brought up the pill situation. Every single person in the room with cancer said the same thing: Listen to your body. If the pills don't help, don't take them. "My Age Guy" said he was the same as me - he only takes pills on chemo day. But he said to talk to the nurses about all the side effects so i can get different pills regardless cause the ones I have are obviously not working well for me (and/or are too strong) I can't tell you how relieved I felt to hear this from people who are WAY more experienced at chemo than myself. I'm a rookie - they are legends. Between validating my pill concerns and coming up with a plan to enjoy Guinness they have my gratitude for life lol And then after the actual visualisation (which was awesome by the way) we chatted more. I told them about how I'm doing chemo first and best case they go in for surgery and there's nothing left, but that with the size of my lump I'm not expecting it (though I'm hoping!) They all said simultaneously "Do expect it!! Expect miracles! Visualise everyday what you want to happen" The Irish woman pipped up "it happened to me! I was stage 4 breast cancer and not even a candidate for surgery. They decided to "try" chemo and see what happened. After treatments, when it was time for surgery there was nothing left in my breast. I told them to do a mastectomy anyways to be safe. But the cancer was gone". Wow. So, now I'm expecting by surgery time, it will be gone. Every day I picture my cancer being eaten away from the chemo and all the good foods I'm eating. :) While on the chemo topic at one point I shyly told them "I wore war paint to my first chemo treatment". By their response I think I moved up a few notches in their impression of me lol I had read about a lot of young people with cancer saying some groups were not helpful because everyone was older and they couldn't relate. But that was not at all how I felt about this group. I felt like they took me under their wings. I"m so glad I found Wellspring. The other resource I've heard amazing things (lots from those at Wellspring) is another non-profit called YACC(Young Adults Cancer Canada) They have a local group in Calgary. Its for those who are between 18-39 at time of diagnosis. So I signed up with them too cause they put on lots of social events. It's all young people. They are having a "Survivors Conference" in Toronto in June (5-9) You get to choose 12 different workshops on great topics. There's a walk with everyone. A banquet "you won't forget". Keynote speakers. And a whole weekend spent with other survivors (that is what they call everyone with cancer) And it would be all young people. For a fee of $149 it covers all of that plus accommodation (at Radisson!) and food!! I really wish we could go. Spots just opened up. It's right before a treatment, so it would be well timed, but 2 flights out wouldn't be cheap. And I'd have to see if a 4hr flight is ok with the docs. I've emailed YACC cause you can fund raise and they put everything you raise towards your transportation!! (and all donations over $20 get tax receipts!) So I'm not ruling it out yet, but it's not looking too hopeful (we'll see what they come back with on fund raising), However I'm pretty stubborn. And I'm good at accomplishing what I want when I put my mind to it...so we'll see. We have to decide quick cause the spots will go fast...So send positive vibes...they have a fund raising form for businesses...so I kind wondered if I could hit up CP...but we'll see (the flights were just over $1200 taxes in total) Maybe even Kildares (the pub we have spent many a nights at since it opened) But do you see what I mean by amazing resources??? I was told by the sweet Irish woman to also check out The Thrive lab at U of C. They have a special program called Beauty and its only for women with Breast Cancer. I'll probably call on Monday to find out about it. I'm going to be more busy with cancer than when I was healthy!!! But I don't mind....so many Silver Linings its ridiculous. I am so very lucky.
May 7, 2014 BC (before cancer) I always wondered if the ladies I saw wearing all the beautiful scarves to protect their bald heads bought the scarves somewhere special, or if they were just really good scarf tiers. Kinda like those women who can come out of the shower, play with their hair for 5 minutes, and look like a supermodel. I have never been one of those lucky ladies. All good hair days I had to fight for or it was fluke. It had nothing to do with any ability I possessed. So I was a little worried if I lost my hair that any fancy "head dress" would be reliant on my skills (ball caps here I come!!) Now that I've been (unwillingly) inducted into the cancer club, I finally have my answer: there are places you can buy all kinds of head covers! (Phew!) One such place in Calgary is a "store" called Compassionate Beauty. It's a place where women going through cancer treatments can find all kinds of products. They sell wigs, head covers, all kinds of mastectomy accessories etc. My mama friend Kelly has been there and told me "they are amazing". So my mom and I popped in there one day before my first chemo treatment. With chemo looming before me and my hair having been chopped off the night before, I had lots on my mind. Unbeknownst to me, I was feeling a little raw emotionally. We walked into the little shop and I noticed some men and a child reading, waiting on a couch. There were wigs and hats and all kinds of products. I tentatively glanced over what they had, thinking it wasn't a ton of stuff, while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed. A woman came up to me and asked if it was my first time in the store. When I told her it was, she said "Ok give me a minute". I was thinking "Ok....I'm just looking so hope she doesn't waste her time "helping" me since I still have hair...albeit less than 2 days ago...". She came over a few minutes later and said "Come with me to the back. Yes, your mom too". OK....this was not what I was expecting. Although for once I wasn't filled with dread at something unexpected - I was curious. We go to a back room that is set up like a hairdresser. There's a hairdresser chair, a sink like at the salon and a bunch of wigs (and some mannequins - but not creepy ones lol) And floor to ceiling windows. It was a bright, airy room. She asks me to sit and then asks about my diagnosis. This caught me off guard. I guess I was expecting the whole "ok you have cancer, assume you are getting chemo (and or surgery) so here's what we have.." So I filled her in. She asked what kind of cancer (triple negative) and about if I specifically know what chemo cocktail I am getting (we had just come from the oncologist/cancer doctor so had all that info) She was so knowledgeable! We chatted away using all kinds of medical lingo like we were part of some secret underground cult. It felt good to be talking to someone I didn't have to explain everything to. In fact, she explained more to me than I to her. Apparently she's been around this block a few times (I don't mean herself - I think she said her mom had breast cancer) She asks me about my hair and if my do is what I've always had or if I already cut it. They try to get women to come in before they cut their hair so they can find wigs that most closely match what they had before. My mom pulls up some pics on Facebook (good ol Facebook) so she can see what I "normally" look like. Then she leaves to go get some wigs. All this starts to sink in as I'm sitting in the chair, waiting. My eyes water as the toll of chopping my hair off catches up with me. For the first time in this process, I feel like a kid without any control. I feel vulnerable and angry. And sadly, a little numb. She comes back into the room with 3 short wigs. I kinda perk up. Must be the inner princess in me sensing some dress up about to commence. I try on a few, and although they were cute, they didn't make me look at all like me. All I could think was "Emmy would hate it". She can see I'm not "lighting up" (although I'm smiling). So she leaves again. This time she comes back with a wig that is almost exactly my hair colour. Including some of the highlights. It's long. It has beautiful curls. I feel excited. And hope blossoms in my chest that maybe I won't look like a mannequin while going through chemo! She puts it on me. And I love it! And I think "Emmy will love it". My mom takes a pic and sends it to Phil. I'm sold (like $600 sold...sigh...it's not cheap to be bald!) When I ask about head coverings, she says I need a night cap and fuzzy head cover (for when its cold like camping!) and suggests getting some for the kids (she knew Emmy was having hard time with the whole hair fiasco) but that there's lots of time to buy that when the hair starts to fall out. When she reassures me about...With breast cancer chemo in general but more specifically my drugs in particular it can start within 2 weeks but will not come out in huge chunks. "You will never grab a section of hair and have it come out in your hand. That won't happen. You'll just shed. And shed. And shed. You'll know its started before anyone else knows. And some women choose to shave it then cause it's just so annoying shedding all the time." Guess me and Daisy are going to have more in common that I thought.... So as traumatising as hair loss can be, at least I am reassured it won't be too scary (either for me or my kids...) Although I wouldn't mind if the hair on the rest of my body would start to go. Chemo during the summer may save me lots of shaving time this summer! Which would be awesome cause the idea of taking a razor to my body and possibly cutting myself scares me a bit while on chemo. (I think I've moved from Lymph Node Fixation to Infection Fixation - can't win lol!!) Anyways she also told me they will take care of my head shave should it come to that. I can have as many people as I want there and I can bring whatever I want - cake, wine etc. So if I can't hold off to shave it with Kelly, I will probably take them up on it. So heads up (HA!) on a head shaving party coming soon! (bring lots of wine)
