Surgery - Part I

Oct 23, 2014

Oh boy. Woke up and it's The Day. 

Surgery Day.

I was a little nervous. Aside from the whole emotional side, I've never had general anaesthetic. Everyone says I'll be talking, then count back, then wake up and it'll be over.

Easy peasey right?

Hmmmmmm....

But first things first, we had to be at Admissions by 7:50AM so we had to drop the kids off early. Like 6:30AM early (Ethan at Dayhome, Emmy at my parents for my Dad to take her to school)

So that's what I focused on.

Next we had to pick up both Moms since they were coming with us. So I focused on that. Then we had to park, make our way with all my bags  to Admissions. Wait till they called my name. Fill out a form. I just focused on each task in the moment, and not a second after.

Once I was "signed" in, off we went to the Day Surgery area. It's basically a few "wings" which are hallways with about 10 or so beds all separated by curtains on one side. My 'bed' was one of 2 with 4 walls on each side! Silver Lining for sure! The bathroom was one of the "walls" so it was the most private compared to the others. My Kinda Handsome Surgeon had told me I'd stay overnight so maybe that's why I got that spot since some of the others would be going home same day.

The one hiccup was I was only allowed 1 person with me at a time because of the limited space. So Phil came with me to get me settled, while our moms waited in the Day Surgery waiting room.

"Take all your clothes off, including your underwear, and put on this gown. When they are ready for you, someone will come get you and wheel you in".

Ok.

In hindsight I should have asked my mother in law if she could have made me a prettier gown. I've had to change into ALOT of gowns in the last 6 months...she's an amazing seamstress and can pretty much make anything!

Anyways this is when I put on my boxing gloves. I wasn't allowed to put on any make up pre-surgery otherwise I would have opted for the blue Braveheart face lol. I was strangely still calm. Sitting in bed, hands behind my head, "like I didn't have a care in the world" according to my mom. Phil's mom couldn't believe it either (they told me after) They each took turns coming in and chatting with me. My mom in law (Janice) gave me some tips and shared her experience from her surgeries which helped keep me calm. My own mom's presence had a calming effect just by sitting with me. We chatted idly and then Phil came back as the nurse started getting all my vitals and info to prep me. Phil got some of the pics too that I put in my pictorial surgery post. Anything to keep us occupied. Neither of us showed fear to the other but I bet we were feeling similar deep down, if for different reasons.

My heart was full of love for these 3 people who came to be with me and wait at the hospital through my surgery. It would be at least 4 hours that I'd be gone from my 'room'. It would pass by in the blink of an eye for me. But they would be very conscious of each minute I was gone. They had the tougher job I thought. 

At last the nurse came. Ok time to go the OR. I gave Phil and the nurse wheeling me away a big smile. OK! Let's go! He stopped so my 2 moms could wish me luck and all 3 walked by me to the doors that said "staff only".

They all kissed me and gave me brave smiles that probably mirrored my own. I had come to the part that I had to once again walk alone, kinda.  My medical team were with me. But these 3 had to leave me to the care of my medical team.  I'm not gonna lie, my eyes watered as the doors closed behind me. No need to keep a brave face now. But I didn't want to start crying - I was afraid if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.

They wheeled me into the "pre op" little waiting room where they park everyone and the surgeons come by to touch base before surgery. Everyone was so quiet. It was 3 men and me. You could cut the tension with a knife. The men at first glance appeared calm and stoic. But upon closer inspection, were all nervous. The guy beside me, about my age and looking quite fit (well as fit as you can look in a hospital gown lol) kept circling his thumb over his opposite hand over and over and over. The young guy across from us was blinking constantly - perhaps trying to hide tears? Then there was a much older gentleman directly across from me who looked fragile and I'm not sure how 'aware' he was of his surroundings. I so badly wanted to ask "so what are you in for" to my neighbour who looked about my age. But I had no idea what mental state anyone was at and didn't want to throw anyone off right before surgery. My mind wandered. Not what you want when you are scared but have kept it together thus far...

I was thinking these are the last people to see me as I am now. After surgery, I will be altered. My sis in law Andrea later said "you should have said "anyone want a last look before they are gone?"

Had I thought of it, I swear I would have said it!! It would have broken the ice and made them all laugh I'm sure. Instead my surgeon finally stopped by to make sure I was all good.

While he was marking my right side  (for the sentinel node biopsy) he explained often nodes take longer to "light up" if they have scar tissue from where the disease was...past tense. That made me feel a WHOLE lot better!

Then he noticed a bit of pink peeking out of my gown. He pulled it down a bit and saw my note that me and Phil had taped to my chest for my surgery team:

He smiled, an almost sad smile, kinda chuckled, gave my shoulder a squeeze and pulled my gown back up so as to keep my surprise for the rest of the team. It was a really nice moment to share, right before surgery.

My heart felt good. I felt safe in his care. 

And when he left, I finally let a few tears escape. I fought hard to contain them, but a few just overflowed.

After a while (maybe 30-45 min) I was wheeled to just outside my OR or Theatre as they call it. There I got to listen to all the doctors conversations. I was there for a bit. After a while there were no more distractions. No one in the hallway to listen to. 

And then the "terror tremors" started, despite my willing them to go away. And with those damn tremors, the tears started. 

Followed by the sobs. 

Ug...so much for Warrior.

One of my "surgery nurses" came by, kindly rubbed my arm, took my hand in hers and started speaking so calmly and kindly to me. Trying to pinpoint the cause of my tears.

"Are you scared? Is it nerves? Feeling sad?"

After apologising, I got myself back together and put my bravado back in place. I didn't want this team, my team, to feel bad about what they were about to do. 

So I smiled. I joked. And I did what I do best - I chatted.

My heart was breaking, but I would not show it. canser was not going to get the better of me - not now on the eve of it being gone for good.

F$%k you canser. Say Goodbye! I was trading in 2 breasts and a few lymph nodes - but those were the last it was going to get of me.

By his time I had spoken to my surgeon again - maybe he heard I was crying cause his eyes never left mine as they were asking all the pre-op stuff. It was so comforting I'm surprised I didn't start to cry again lol. The anaesthesiologist asked a bunch of questions after introducing himself too. All so very, very nice. 

Then they wheeled me in. Slid me over to the (tiny!) surgical table. There were more nurses in there. Introductions all around. I kept chatting. Like non stop (surprise lol). They strapped me onto the table (just so I didn't move or fall off during surgery - wasn't scary actually kind of comforting) and then strapped my arms like a cross (out on both side). The anaesthesiologist found a vein - how I don't know since I had nothing in my system so my veins didn't pop out like normal.

And then mid-conversation with the nurses, I was out (or that's the last thing I remember)

I surrendered myself to my surgical team. And my Guardian Angel (s).

My Fight was now in their (very capable) hands.

The Prep

Oct 22, 2014

Today is my Mom's birthday. Sadly we weren't celebrating with her...we dropped the kids off at the bus stop and dayhome and then got ready to prep for the needle in the boob I was going to get in a few hours. Whoo hoo...

The two weeks leading up to surgery I was an emotional mess. I cried alot and grieved the (very) soon to be loss of my girls. But the day before, surgery prep day, my Inner Ninja was back. I was in warrior mode, focused solely on the upcoming task - The Prep.

I was calm. No emotion. It felt weird, but was also a welcome relief to the roller coaster ride I had been on. I told Phil I wondered if this is what Olympic Athletes do - get into "the zone" on event days. Ha, not that I am in any way shape or form anything near an Olympic Athlete. I just mean the incredible focus that they need to complete their event, without letting anything else cloud their minds.

It's a skill that I hope will serve me for the rest of my life, outside of canser. Cause it's incredibly helpful. And I was never like this prior to my diagnosis about anything - I used to turn into a total spaz. Another HUGE Silver Lining.

Anyways, they told me to get EMLA cream, which is a topical anaesthetic - it numbs the top skin of the breast so you don't feel the needle. It needs to be applied 1 hour before the procedure - which was at 11AM for me. I had gone to Shoppers the previous afternoon and gotten the tube as told.

Except when I was reading the instructions - to apply the cream all around my nipple and outside a ways of the areola, icing it like a cake (yes it actually said that) - I noticed it was talking about a 5g tube...Shoppers had sold me a 30g tube!! I asked Phil "how will we know when it's enough??". He wasn't sure so we just started...when he was done, we had used most of the cream and my right breast looked like a cupcake!!! We laughed, took a pic, laughed some more and texted my mom saying "The Cake Is Iced", and laughed again. She cracked up ha ha.

Then I put Saran wrap over it (to keep it from coming off - you can't rub it in) and had to leave my (rather large) right breast hanging out of my bra, and off we went...Oh the glamorous life I lead!!

When we got to where we needed to be (Diagnostic Imaging at Rockyview Hospital) we sat and waited. I still wasn't nervous - I just tried not to think about it too much. I also knew so many people who had gone through this and i don't recall any horror stories. I asked if Phil could come in, expecting them to say no, but they said he could! Silver Lining! No being dragged away to face scary procedure by myself...with radiologists! So we went in, and they told me to wipe all the EMLA cream off (I think the guy did a double take when he saw how much we used lol) He told me to get undressed from waist up and just cover myself with a blanket. We were in the room with a big machine (xray I think) that had a bed attached to it, so I layed on it.

When the guy came back in, I asked how long it would take and he said not too long. I told him when I got the radioactive needle for my bone scan how it was super quick. He said "ya but this is going to be alot more painful".

I think this is the exact moment I got nervous...I also happened to notice it was not 1 but 2 needles I would be getting.  UG! Breathe, breathe....

He told me to lay on the bed and wait for the radiologist, who would be along shortly. As I layed there, Phil came by my side and held my hand. This is when the adrenaline kicked in and my whole body kept getting tremors cause of my nerves! I was shaking pretty bad by the time the radiologist came in. They let Phil stay right beside me and then the Radiologist bent the needles.I was thinking "this is getting weirder all the time". She raised me up electronically till I was chest height to her.

As she came close to me to get ready to insert it, I held my body very still, took a deep breath...and felt nothing! She quickly did the second needle and then we were done! I asked them why it was painful for some and they said "sometimes the EMLA cream doesn't work"...And I thought "well maybe you should tell everyone to get the 30g tube - I can't feel my whole upper half". Ha

They told us to come back in 2 hours. The needles contain a radioactive liquid that lights up the lymph nodes so when I came back, they would x-ray my lymph nodes to map them for the surgeon. Ok.

So we came back and they brought me in - alone - but I was so much more relaxed knowing it was not an invasive procedure. After getting undressed from waist up again, they told me to lay down again on the bed and covered me with blankets, and then asked me to lay on my left side with my right arm over my head.

Radiologist "This will be similar to the pose during surgery"
Me "Gulp..."

They moved the bed electronically and had this machine move around me in a circle taking pictures. Then she came over to mark my skin (I assume cause she had a marker in hand) she frowned, then left the room.

Mild panic attack. I do not like when docs leave the room unexpectedly...ESP radiologists....My heart was getting a good workout for sure, cause I think my heart rate was probably in the range of a medium jog...She came back a short time later and told me the nodes were not lighting up yet.

"The fluid must not have made it to your nodes yet. Come back in an hour and we'll do it then."

I tried really hard not to think about my  nodes not lighting up. I just wanted for once to be part of the "average people" who would be done by now. I swallowed my anxiety. We just sat in waiting room till they called me for round 2.

After going through the same procedure from an hour before, she said they still weren't lit up. She looks at me and kindly explains "This doesn't happen all the time but it does happen. It's not a bad thing, and nothing is wrong. We do 3 of these a day, and once every 2-3 weeks this happens. Overnight the liquid will keep accumulating, and by morning they will be lit up. 

She explained how the Surgeon's have special pens they use to find the nodes the morning of surgery to double check what they would have marked anyways, so they will just find them in the AM. 

When we left those damn "Terror Tremors" were back. Why oh why couldn't it just be regular, run of the mill prep? The last thing I wanted was to worry about The Prep the night before Surgery. Luckily though, as much as it may have bothered me (wondering if it meant something sinister, like oh I don't know,  was canser blocking the way???) I was actually able to put it out of my mind. My Inner Ninja was all over this. 

And although I had a million things running through my mind that night, I was able to close my eyes and drift off.

A warrior, after all, needs her sleep.

"A ship in harbour is safe. But that's not what ships are built for" - William Shedd

Oct 24, 2014

Sentinel Node biopsy prep - day before surgery (ie needle in the boob!)

D - Day (or -DDD day ha)

A lil note for my surgical team hidden under my gown pre Op :)

Few hours post Op....

About to leave hospital Friday morning (few pounds lighter and slightly stoned from percocet lol)

Write up to follow....

"It is not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left" - Hubert Humphrey

Oct 21, 2014

The days following our trip to Edmonton were not great. I cried on a number of those days.

Well, Monday was Thanksgiving and we had a nice dinner at Phil's aunt's house. It was delicious and a great time. I didn't go to yoga on Tuesday cause we had 3 straight days on the go, so just wanted to take it easy at home. And my End Of Chemo party was the following Saturday so I planned on attacking the disaster that was my house.

But I think the reality of my impending surgery that hit me on the way back from Edmonton stuck around, and staying at home by myself was not a good choice. I find when I get into these "funks" it's like a downward spiral. You start with 1 "downer" thought - being boobless for a year - and then more thoughts just keep adding to it...till next thing I'll be shipped off and live in a convent after taking a vow of celibacy....

Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea. 

It was a combination of sadness at the permanence of the next part of treatment, and fear at not knowing how I'll feel about my body when I wake up and also how I'll be viewed by others. Strangely none of the feelings have yet had anything to do with the idea of going in for a surgery that will take two hours...it's all been the emotion associated with the before and after.

Wednesday was Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day (BRA). I got 2 texts that day - from Kelly and Janis - asking if I was going to the BRA event at Tom Baker that night. I mentioned it to Phil and he got his parents to come watch the kids and off we went. The registration was closed online but we took a chance that we could still attend and I'm so glad we went, cause they let us in. What a night! With surgery a week away it was a bit overwhelming when they did the presentation on the different kinds of reconstruction options available along with pictures of complications. But i was so relieved to see the after pics looked like breasts - nice breasts! So I feel better about that, even if it's a year or more away...

They also explained that all the surgeons/medical personnel (nurses included) were wearing white boas, while anyone who's had reconstruction of any sort was in pink boas. You could talk to any of them and ask questions.

After the presentation Janis took me over to talk to her plastic surgeon. I was curious if I had enough belly to make two new breasts and if so, about what size? So I asked him if he could give me a rough estimate. He thought a couple sizes smaller than I am now would be possible. Kind of a bizarre conversation to be having at a public event, I know, but it made me feel alot better. Deep down I think I feared there wouldn't be enough, and since with radiation implants are not likely, I'd be stuck boobless forever...

They also had a "show and tell" room filled with women who volunteered to show those considering reconstruction their results. Before any of you think this is odd, let me assure you it's not. I have had at least 5 women offer to show me either their scars from their mastectomy, or their reconstructed breasts. Once I have my surgery, I know I too will offer the same to those I meet who come after me. It's not an expectation, but anyone I've met who's had mastectomy or reconstruction has told me when I'm ready they will show me if I want. It's that sisterhood again. We're all in the same boat. So I think you try to help how you can.I never took anyone up on it yet, so not sure if that's good or bad for my expectations for surgery.

I think though the best part of the night was the women I met. As we were deciding where to go next (after talking to the surgeon) a woman came up to me and said "I saw you getting hot flashes during the presentation and wanted to tell you I feel your pain!". Her name is Samantha and she is just finished treatments. Her journey is similar to mine - chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation. We started chatting and her hubby Ian and Phil chatted too. She had lots of good tips for my upcoming surgery. After a while, another woman I had met at The Run, Vanessa, recognised me and said hello! She was with a woman she had met at her first chemo treatment the week before, Tammy. Soon all four of us were chatting. Before they left I got Samantha's contact info. We are trying to arrange to all meet - along with Tracy and Kelly. That would be great. The BRA event and meeting the girls perked me up a bit but Thurs was another rough day for me. 

By Thursday night Phil decided to take Friday off cause he was worried about me. By this point my mom had a terrible cold so she didn't want to come around in fear I'd catch it. I was not in good shape and so looking forward to my party. I didn't get much cleaning done that week so on Friday Phil and I attacked the house and got it in some sort of order. I was in better shape after feeling like we accomplished something. 

Saturday was great - my End of Chemo party that I had long awaited. We had over 40 people come (and almost 20 kids in addition) from 3pm onwards. My heart was overflowing with gratitude for all these people who have helped me in a myriad of ways throughout my journey so far. I was so very happy. I've mentioned how I thrive on people, and Sat I was in my element. Emmy and Ethan had made posters for the party which we tacked to the wall for all to see. Emmy even picked up a disco ball while out with Phil. All we were missing was the strobe lights lol. I had planned on having 1 Guinness per round of chemo but I only made it to 6 and it was 11pm. I was still fine cause I was yapping so much to drink too fast.

The whole reason we had the party at home was cause Emmy asked us if she could celebrate too. The kids have been through the horrible parts of treatment so it made sense that they should take part in the good celebrations too. They had an absolute blast. Emmy even made a new friend in Nigel's daughter Ella. Who requested a playdate lol. They are only a few months apart in age. A number of people wanted to come by but didn't cause they were sick, which I appreciate. I told them not to worry cause there will be another party after surgery but before radiation. Then another when I'm done radiation. I realised its as important for me to celebrate the end of each treatment as it is for the kids. It was a really fabulous night. 

 

Sadly by Sunday night i felt like I was riding a wave of emotion that was crashing. One minute I was resilient and feeling ready to face the next stage of treatment head on. My Inner Ninja no doubt. The next minute I'd have a "why me" moment for having to lose both my breasts so young. 

Over the weekend Phil decided to take the days leading up to surgery off. I think this definitely kept me from wallowing for too long but overall my mood has been pretty sombre. Andrea even came over to do a boudoir photo shoot and she was great and had lots of ideas. She got some great shots too. But in all honestly my heart just wasn't in it. I think with time I"ll be happy for the pictures, but during I just kinda felt sad. 

I did have a massage though and it was perfect. Although its the first session with my massage therapist where I didn't say 1 word. I think I woulda cried if we talked.

So tomorrow is the prep for the sentinel node biopsy. The one where I get a needle in the boob...the adrenaline I'll surely feel while getting it should rouse me outta my slump lol 

And then comes The Surgery. When I say goodbye to any canser that may be left. 

I've been emotional long enough.

Time for the warpaint to make a re-appearance.

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Oct 12, 2014

I don't think the people of West Edmonton Mall are used to seeing a woman with a bald head. Me, Phil and the kids came to West Ed (thanks to some financial help from my parents) for a couple of nights to get a nice break from the canser world. The kids are having a blast. But man, I haven't been stared at like this maybe ever! As gorgeous a creature as I may be, I don't think its my sensational good looks that is causing people to stare. Like the kind of staring where they watch you walk by. The first few I thought was just the normal "holy is that a bald (ish) woman"? But even Phil has noticed the stares. It's really weird to feel like the spotlight is on you after all this time. So to answer their unspoken questions, I put on my "I fight like a girl" breast canser t shirt. If I'm going to catch that much attention I may as well bring some awareness that yes, young otherwise healthy mama's get canser too. 

When we took the kids to the playplace in Galaxyland that night, Phil really noticed the other parents staring. Maybe I was used to it by then from the afternoon when we walked the mall. I often wonder if the kids notice (the stares), but they didn't say anything. Maybe they were too busy looking at all the fun stuff at the mall. 

We stayed at the Fantasyland Hotel in a Western Themed room so the kids were thrilled that their bunk beds were made up like the county jail. And they loved the hot hub in the room. We filled it up when we got back to the room and all got in. The kids giggled lots when me and Phil got in with them. 

Saturday morning we spent at the water park. Emmy is fearless (and tall enough) to do most of the slides. She and Phil did the double blue one that is as high as the ceiling and pretty much black all the way down! She wanted to go on the pink one that goes UPSIDE DOWN! But she was (thankfully) too young and doesn't weigh enough. Phil went on it and said once is enough lol. I did not go on anything too crazy. Let me tell you why.

I tried to embrace the whole "live like you're dying" (not cause I'm dying, just to live each day to fullest) attitude a few months ago when we took the kids to Calaway Park (amusement park near Calgary). See, I used to be a HUGE ride fanatic. Like the crazier the ride the better. Ask anyone who's known me for at least 10 years. One time at one of my 1st Stampede's, my friend Rory felt bad cause none of our friends would go on all the rides with me. So he humoured (pitied!) me and came on all the rides with me. After like an hour, he threw up....oooops! So you get the picture....

Many years later I'm not a huge fan of heights so I've become a chicken on anything that goes too high. Oh how the mighty fall! lol Anyways, while at Calaway and deciding to "seize the day" I went on the kids "drop of doom" which is probably 30-60 feet up. It goes right to the top, then you drop down. It does this a number of times. Normally I would not go on it. But in the spirit of the day I thought "what the hell". We got on. Ethan was beside me. He's 3. Emily (5) was on too as was Isabelle (13 - from dayhome) The first few drops were ok...Ethan was laughing his head off and so were Emily and Isabelle. They loved it. Their joy overrode my fear of heights. At first. There weren't too many people in line to get on, so the guy let us go. And go. And go. Naturally I get stuck the one time he extends the ride time. I was so happy to get off! I thought maybe if I tried another heights ride, it would help. So I got on The Swings. You know which one I mean - the swings that are attached to a merry go round looking contraption that then raises HIGH and swings you out...in little tiny seats who's only "safety" is a bar across your lap...Ya, I wasn't a fan! At all...So for me to "live like I"m dying" doesn't include anything with heights. I should add "cure fear of heights" to the list of what canser can't do ha. 

Anyways, that's why I didn't go too nuts on the high waterslides. I was eyeing the zipline that goes over the pool but after a few hours of swimming the kids were hungry and tired to we left pretty quick to feed them. There was one bad part at the pool that wasn't the stares - I didn't actually notice anyone stare at me like in the mall. It was when I fell. Me and Ethan were making our way to the kiddie pool so he could warm up. I went to step down the first of 3 (concrete) steps, when I slipped and fell hard, right on my tailbone, and kinda slid down the last 2. I saw stars. It hurt so bad I couldn't get up for like 2 minutes. In that time like 6 adults ran over to me, and I lost sight of Ethan (he didn't realise I fell down so kept walking). My pain and my fear at not being able to see Ethan grew till I was choking back tears as I tried to get back up on my feet. I had 2 thoughts run through my head:

1. Where was my son?
2. Could that fall cause any canser related issues (either directly from chemo, or due to blood counts being low) 

I didn't know the answer to either. I finally got up and slowly made my way to the kiddy pool where I found Ethan. I sat down, hugged him to me, and cried. At least if anyone stared at me then it may have been my tears rather than my baldish head. 

By dinner time I was in less pain.That night I decided to put on my heels, my strapless shirt and my make up for dinner. I held my head high as we walked to the restaurant. If I was gonna be stared at, I was at least gonna give them a sexy(ish) baldish woman to stare at. And stare they did. But maybe this time it was at the whole package instead of just the fuzzy head? I had to stop myself from winking at some of the more obvious "starers"... 

Anyways, Sunday we did Galaxyland and I let Phil take Emmy on all the crazy rides (she did an adult roller coaster that has a cart that spins as it goes around!!) I went on the smaller rides with Ethan. They really enjoyed themselves. Before we headed home we took them to the sea lion show, which they really liked too.

It was a great weekend.

I kept my eyes open but never did spot any other beautiful baldies. Maybe most other women feel more comfortable with a wig. I'm glad I have a wig, but I'm so happy I 've grown comfortable with my bald head. I've discovered a confidence I never knew existed. It makes me hopeful that I'll be able to find the same after my surgery in a few weeks. Even if it takes a while. It took a while to embrace my bald head. So I'm good with needing time to embrace my (temp) boobless body. Just so long as I get there eventually. 

On the three hour drive home, it kinda hit me that surgery is in a couple of weeks. I didn't cry but I don't think I spoke much. 

Two weeks. 

It's so soon.

Posted on YouTube by Elizabeth Vanesian..