Oct 23, 2014
Oh boy. Woke up and it's The Day.
Surgery Day.
I was a little nervous. Aside from the whole emotional side, I've never had general anaesthetic. Everyone says I'll be talking, then count back, then wake up and it'll be over.
Easy peasey right?
Hmmmmmm....
But first things first, we had to be at Admissions by 7:50AM so we had to drop the kids off early. Like 6:30AM early (Ethan at Dayhome, Emmy at my parents for my Dad to take her to school)
So that's what I focused on.
Next we had to pick up both Moms since they were coming with us. So I focused on that. Then we had to park, make our way with all my bags to Admissions. Wait till they called my name. Fill out a form. I just focused on each task in the moment, and not a second after.
Once I was "signed" in, off we went to the Day Surgery area. It's basically a few "wings" which are hallways with about 10 or so beds all separated by curtains on one side. My 'bed' was one of 2 with 4 walls on each side! Silver Lining for sure! The bathroom was one of the "walls" so it was the most private compared to the others. My Kinda Handsome Surgeon had told me I'd stay overnight so maybe that's why I got that spot since some of the others would be going home same day.
The one hiccup was I was only allowed 1 person with me at a time because of the limited space. So Phil came with me to get me settled, while our moms waited in the Day Surgery waiting room.
"Take all your clothes off, including your underwear, and put on this gown. When they are ready for you, someone will come get you and wheel you in".
Ok.
In hindsight I should have asked my mother in law if she could have made me a prettier gown. I've had to change into ALOT of gowns in the last 6 months...she's an amazing seamstress and can pretty much make anything!
Anyways this is when I put on my boxing gloves. I wasn't allowed to put on any make up pre-surgery otherwise I would have opted for the blue Braveheart face lol. I was strangely still calm. Sitting in bed, hands behind my head, "like I didn't have a care in the world" according to my mom. Phil's mom couldn't believe it either (they told me after) They each took turns coming in and chatting with me. My mom in law (Janice) gave me some tips and shared her experience from her surgeries which helped keep me calm. My own mom's presence had a calming effect just by sitting with me. We chatted idly and then Phil came back as the nurse started getting all my vitals and info to prep me. Phil got some of the pics too that I put in my pictorial surgery post. Anything to keep us occupied. Neither of us showed fear to the other but I bet we were feeling similar deep down, if for different reasons.
My heart was full of love for these 3 people who came to be with me and wait at the hospital through my surgery. It would be at least 4 hours that I'd be gone from my 'room'. It would pass by in the blink of an eye for me. But they would be very conscious of each minute I was gone. They had the tougher job I thought.
At last the nurse came. Ok time to go the OR. I gave Phil and the nurse wheeling me away a big smile. OK! Let's go! He stopped so my 2 moms could wish me luck and all 3 walked by me to the doors that said "staff only".
They all kissed me and gave me brave smiles that probably mirrored my own. I had come to the part that I had to once again walk alone, kinda. My medical team were with me. But these 3 had to leave me to the care of my medical team. I'm not gonna lie, my eyes watered as the doors closed behind me. No need to keep a brave face now. But I didn't want to start crying - I was afraid if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.
They wheeled me into the "pre op" little waiting room where they park everyone and the surgeons come by to touch base before surgery. Everyone was so quiet. It was 3 men and me. You could cut the tension with a knife. The men at first glance appeared calm and stoic. But upon closer inspection, were all nervous. The guy beside me, about my age and looking quite fit (well as fit as you can look in a hospital gown lol) kept circling his thumb over his opposite hand over and over and over. The young guy across from us was blinking constantly - perhaps trying to hide tears? Then there was a much older gentleman directly across from me who looked fragile and I'm not sure how 'aware' he was of his surroundings. I so badly wanted to ask "so what are you in for" to my neighbour who looked about my age. But I had no idea what mental state anyone was at and didn't want to throw anyone off right before surgery. My mind wandered. Not what you want when you are scared but have kept it together thus far...
I was thinking these are the last people to see me as I am now. After surgery, I will be altered. My sis in law Andrea later said "you should have said "anyone want a last look before they are gone?"
Had I thought of it, I swear I would have said it!! It would have broken the ice and made them all laugh I'm sure. Instead my surgeon finally stopped by to make sure I was all good.
While he was marking my right side (for the sentinel node biopsy) he explained often nodes take longer to "light up" if they have scar tissue from where the disease was...past tense. That made me feel a WHOLE lot better!
Then he noticed a bit of pink peeking out of my gown. He pulled it down a bit and saw my note that me and Phil had taped to my chest for my surgery team:
He smiled, an almost sad smile, kinda chuckled, gave my shoulder a squeeze and pulled my gown back up so as to keep my surprise for the rest of the team. It was a really nice moment to share, right before surgery.
My heart felt good. I felt safe in his care.
And when he left, I finally let a few tears escape. I fought hard to contain them, but a few just overflowed.
After a while (maybe 30-45 min) I was wheeled to just outside my OR or Theatre as they call it. There I got to listen to all the doctors conversations. I was there for a bit. After a while there were no more distractions. No one in the hallway to listen to.
And then the "terror tremors" started, despite my willing them to go away. And with those damn tremors, the tears started.
Followed by the sobs.
Ug...so much for Warrior.
One of my "surgery nurses" came by, kindly rubbed my arm, took my hand in hers and started speaking so calmly and kindly to me. Trying to pinpoint the cause of my tears.
"Are you scared? Is it nerves? Feeling sad?"
After apologising, I got myself back together and put my bravado back in place. I didn't want this team, my team, to feel bad about what they were about to do.
So I smiled. I joked. And I did what I do best - I chatted.
My heart was breaking, but I would not show it. canser was not going to get the better of me - not now on the eve of it being gone for good.
F$%k you canser. Say Goodbye! I was trading in 2 breasts and a few lymph nodes - but those were the last it was going to get of me.
By his time I had spoken to my surgeon again - maybe he heard I was crying cause his eyes never left mine as they were asking all the pre-op stuff. It was so comforting I'm surprised I didn't start to cry again lol. The anaesthesiologist asked a bunch of questions after introducing himself too. All so very, very nice.
Then they wheeled me in. Slid me over to the (tiny!) surgical table. There were more nurses in there. Introductions all around. I kept chatting. Like non stop (surprise lol). They strapped me onto the table (just so I didn't move or fall off during surgery - wasn't scary actually kind of comforting) and then strapped my arms like a cross (out on both side). The anaesthesiologist found a vein - how I don't know since I had nothing in my system so my veins didn't pop out like normal.
And then mid-conversation with the nurses, I was out (or that's the last thing I remember)
I surrendered myself to my surgical team. And my Guardian Angel (s).
My Fight was now in their (very capable) hands.
Oh boy. Woke up and it's The Day.
Surgery Day.
I was a little nervous. Aside from the whole emotional side, I've never had general anaesthetic. Everyone says I'll be talking, then count back, then wake up and it'll be over.
Easy peasey right?
Hmmmmmm....
But first things first, we had to be at Admissions by 7:50AM so we had to drop the kids off early. Like 6:30AM early (Ethan at Dayhome, Emmy at my parents for my Dad to take her to school)
So that's what I focused on.
Next we had to pick up both Moms since they were coming with us. So I focused on that. Then we had to park, make our way with all my bags to Admissions. Wait till they called my name. Fill out a form. I just focused on each task in the moment, and not a second after.
Once I was "signed" in, off we went to the Day Surgery area. It's basically a few "wings" which are hallways with about 10 or so beds all separated by curtains on one side. My 'bed' was one of 2 with 4 walls on each side! Silver Lining for sure! The bathroom was one of the "walls" so it was the most private compared to the others. My Kinda Handsome Surgeon had told me I'd stay overnight so maybe that's why I got that spot since some of the others would be going home same day.
The one hiccup was I was only allowed 1 person with me at a time because of the limited space. So Phil came with me to get me settled, while our moms waited in the Day Surgery waiting room.
"Take all your clothes off, including your underwear, and put on this gown. When they are ready for you, someone will come get you and wheel you in".
Ok.
In hindsight I should have asked my mother in law if she could have made me a prettier gown. I've had to change into ALOT of gowns in the last 6 months...she's an amazing seamstress and can pretty much make anything!
Anyways this is when I put on my boxing gloves. I wasn't allowed to put on any make up pre-surgery otherwise I would have opted for the blue Braveheart face lol. I was strangely still calm. Sitting in bed, hands behind my head, "like I didn't have a care in the world" according to my mom. Phil's mom couldn't believe it either (they told me after) They each took turns coming in and chatting with me. My mom in law (Janice) gave me some tips and shared her experience from her surgeries which helped keep me calm. My own mom's presence had a calming effect just by sitting with me. We chatted idly and then Phil came back as the nurse started getting all my vitals and info to prep me. Phil got some of the pics too that I put in my pictorial surgery post. Anything to keep us occupied. Neither of us showed fear to the other but I bet we were feeling similar deep down, if for different reasons.
My heart was full of love for these 3 people who came to be with me and wait at the hospital through my surgery. It would be at least 4 hours that I'd be gone from my 'room'. It would pass by in the blink of an eye for me. But they would be very conscious of each minute I was gone. They had the tougher job I thought.
At last the nurse came. Ok time to go the OR. I gave Phil and the nurse wheeling me away a big smile. OK! Let's go! He stopped so my 2 moms could wish me luck and all 3 walked by me to the doors that said "staff only".
They all kissed me and gave me brave smiles that probably mirrored my own. I had come to the part that I had to once again walk alone, kinda. My medical team were with me. But these 3 had to leave me to the care of my medical team. I'm not gonna lie, my eyes watered as the doors closed behind me. No need to keep a brave face now. But I didn't want to start crying - I was afraid if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.
They wheeled me into the "pre op" little waiting room where they park everyone and the surgeons come by to touch base before surgery. Everyone was so quiet. It was 3 men and me. You could cut the tension with a knife. The men at first glance appeared calm and stoic. But upon closer inspection, were all nervous. The guy beside me, about my age and looking quite fit (well as fit as you can look in a hospital gown lol) kept circling his thumb over his opposite hand over and over and over. The young guy across from us was blinking constantly - perhaps trying to hide tears? Then there was a much older gentleman directly across from me who looked fragile and I'm not sure how 'aware' he was of his surroundings. I so badly wanted to ask "so what are you in for" to my neighbour who looked about my age. But I had no idea what mental state anyone was at and didn't want to throw anyone off right before surgery. My mind wandered. Not what you want when you are scared but have kept it together thus far...
I was thinking these are the last people to see me as I am now. After surgery, I will be altered. My sis in law Andrea later said "you should have said "anyone want a last look before they are gone?"
Had I thought of it, I swear I would have said it!! It would have broken the ice and made them all laugh I'm sure. Instead my surgeon finally stopped by to make sure I was all good.
While he was marking my right side (for the sentinel node biopsy) he explained often nodes take longer to "light up" if they have scar tissue from where the disease was...past tense. That made me feel a WHOLE lot better!
Then he noticed a bit of pink peeking out of my gown. He pulled it down a bit and saw my note that me and Phil had taped to my chest for my surgery team:
He smiled, an almost sad smile, kinda chuckled, gave my shoulder a squeeze and pulled my gown back up so as to keep my surprise for the rest of the team. It was a really nice moment to share, right before surgery.
My heart felt good. I felt safe in his care.
And when he left, I finally let a few tears escape. I fought hard to contain them, but a few just overflowed.
After a while (maybe 30-45 min) I was wheeled to just outside my OR or Theatre as they call it. There I got to listen to all the doctors conversations. I was there for a bit. After a while there were no more distractions. No one in the hallway to listen to.
And then the "terror tremors" started, despite my willing them to go away. And with those damn tremors, the tears started.
Followed by the sobs.
Ug...so much for Warrior.
One of my "surgery nurses" came by, kindly rubbed my arm, took my hand in hers and started speaking so calmly and kindly to me. Trying to pinpoint the cause of my tears.
"Are you scared? Is it nerves? Feeling sad?"
After apologising, I got myself back together and put my bravado back in place. I didn't want this team, my team, to feel bad about what they were about to do.
So I smiled. I joked. And I did what I do best - I chatted.
My heart was breaking, but I would not show it. canser was not going to get the better of me - not now on the eve of it being gone for good.
F$%k you canser. Say Goodbye! I was trading in 2 breasts and a few lymph nodes - but those were the last it was going to get of me.
By his time I had spoken to my surgeon again - maybe he heard I was crying cause his eyes never left mine as they were asking all the pre-op stuff. It was so comforting I'm surprised I didn't start to cry again lol. The anaesthesiologist asked a bunch of questions after introducing himself too. All so very, very nice.
Then they wheeled me in. Slid me over to the (tiny!) surgical table. There were more nurses in there. Introductions all around. I kept chatting. Like non stop (surprise lol). They strapped me onto the table (just so I didn't move or fall off during surgery - wasn't scary actually kind of comforting) and then strapped my arms like a cross (out on both side). The anaesthesiologist found a vein - how I don't know since I had nothing in my system so my veins didn't pop out like normal.
And then mid-conversation with the nurses, I was out (or that's the last thing I remember)
I surrendered myself to my surgical team. And my Guardian Angel (s).
My Fight was now in their (very capable) hands.
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