Nov 4, 2014
It's been hard. The infection really threw me for a loop and seemed to open Pandora's box. Until the infection, I was doing OK. Holding it together. Embracing my new body. I was focused on healing but also didn't feel the need to cry about anything.
Then I woke up with that huge, angry, red patch and my anxiety went through the roof, and the flood gates opened.
Since that day, I look in the mirror and all I see is the hair that's gone, (and the colour that's gone too), the nails that are damaged from chemo (and may fall off), the frankenstein looking incisions, no eyebrows, little eyelashes and skin that seems to be sloughing off from dryness. I'm still me inside but my outside is so devastatingly damaged in my eyes that it's hard to look in the mirror and not cry. I'm still me but how can anyone possibly see that? They say beauty is only skin deep. I guess I'm about to put that to the test.
And it terrifies me.
Cause I feel like I'm about to put my personality on trial. Like that's all I have to offer.
And what if it isn't enough?
I guess that's the big question. And don't think I thought so highly of myself to think I was some super hot little thing to look at before - I'm 36 with two kids so my body had gone through lots of change. But what if there were parts of me that are now significantly altered - and not just my breasts - that enhanced my personality, that aren't there anymore?
So I've spent alot of time crying when I'm alone. That seems to be when I'm overwhelmed with...self pity maybe? I feel like I've been stripped of every physical attribute that made me me.
I called my friend Janis in one of my dark moments. Before surgery she told me "when you have one of 'those days' after surgery, call me". After listening to me for a few mintues, she said "oh you're in The Aftermath. Totally normal. You'll be ok." She actually made me feel momentarily better. It wasn't just me. This was normal.
So where do I go from here?
Hmmmm....shopping. I foresee a shopping spree in my future. And a girls night. And an End-Of-Surgery-canser-took-my-breasts-but-can-Kiss-My-Ass party.
But definately shopping. (sorry Phil I think it's gonna be an expensive therapy session !!)
It's been hard. The infection really threw me for a loop and seemed to open Pandora's box. Until the infection, I was doing OK. Holding it together. Embracing my new body. I was focused on healing but also didn't feel the need to cry about anything.
Then I woke up with that huge, angry, red patch and my anxiety went through the roof, and the flood gates opened.
Since that day, I look in the mirror and all I see is the hair that's gone, (and the colour that's gone too), the nails that are damaged from chemo (and may fall off), the frankenstein looking incisions, no eyebrows, little eyelashes and skin that seems to be sloughing off from dryness. I'm still me inside but my outside is so devastatingly damaged in my eyes that it's hard to look in the mirror and not cry. I'm still me but how can anyone possibly see that? They say beauty is only skin deep. I guess I'm about to put that to the test.
And it terrifies me.
Cause I feel like I'm about to put my personality on trial. Like that's all I have to offer.
And what if it isn't enough?
I guess that's the big question. And don't think I thought so highly of myself to think I was some super hot little thing to look at before - I'm 36 with two kids so my body had gone through lots of change. But what if there were parts of me that are now significantly altered - and not just my breasts - that enhanced my personality, that aren't there anymore?
So I've spent alot of time crying when I'm alone. That seems to be when I'm overwhelmed with...self pity maybe? I feel like I've been stripped of every physical attribute that made me me.
I called my friend Janis in one of my dark moments. Before surgery she told me "when you have one of 'those days' after surgery, call me". After listening to me for a few mintues, she said "oh you're in The Aftermath. Totally normal. You'll be ok." She actually made me feel momentarily better. It wasn't just me. This was normal.
So where do I go from here?
Hmmmm....shopping. I foresee a shopping spree in my future. And a girls night. And an End-Of-Surgery-canser-took-my-breasts-but-can-Kiss-My-Ass party.
But definately shopping. (sorry Phil I think it's gonna be an expensive therapy session !!)
Cindy, I've left a comment a couple of times (I'm Kimmy and Jason Davidson's close family friend from Two Mountains) and have been keeping up with your incredibly brave journey. I just want to say in reference to this post that although I don't know you, you emit, even virtually (!), a radiance, beauty, intelligence, warmth and love that is you. It is you regardless of any physical changes you are going through. You are the beautiful, intelligent, radiant, warm and loving woman that you are. Period! Now get out shopping! Can't wait to see your purchases! XX
ReplyDeleteWow thanks Lynn that is very kind of you to say. And now that my mom is back in town shopping is the first thing on my list - how can you feel bad after retail therapy right?1?
Delete:-)
DeleteCindy - just so you know - you exude radiance - always . . . You are a beautiful woman - the same beautiful woman you have always been oxox
ReplyDeleteThank you Lois xox
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