Oct 23, 2014
"It's 1:30pm. Surgery is over and it went fine. You're in recovery now".
These were the first words I heard as I felt my bed being wheeled. I tried to open my eyes but they felt like they had bricks glued to them, pulling them closed.
Patch of bright light. Another patch of bright light.
I was feeling anxious. I need to open my eyes and start talking don't I? Isn't that what they want from you after surgery to make sure you came out of the general ok?
I'm sooo sleepy....
"Take a deep breath for me to make sure your lungs are working OK".
OK.
By the time I could finally open my eyes - for brief periods - my bed is no longer moving, I'm in a room with other people and I'm facing a wall which has a clock and my vitals monitor.
I can hear people talking. Alot! I can barely keep my eyes open and can't fathom finding the energy to talk...How can they be talking like they just woke up from a normal sleep? What's wrong with me?
My anxiety rises.
They are gonna want me to talk and they will probably pester me till I can talk normally...Isn't that what I am supposed to do after general? Snap out of it? I gotta fight this tiredness harder....
"Would you like some water? Your throat might be sore or feel raw or scratchy from being intibated".
I croak out a "yes please".
She comes back with ice chips too "so you don't feel nauseous".
Hmmmm...no nausea. Well that's good.
"How is your pain? Do you need something for the pain? They gave you narcotics but sometimes they are slow to kick in. Tylenol can help the narcotics work".
I think I feel some pain but I'm not sure...it's so foggy....
"OK".
She give me 2 pills and water. Slight panic. What if I can't swallow them? But I don't have the energy to tell her so I just do it one pill at a time. Goes down ok. Relief.
Now I'm awake enough to see my surroundings but talking takes major concentration (but I can hear and understand everything perfect - its only my voice that's in a fog).
I see the clock says 2:30. Oh man I was supposed to be gone only 4 hrs. I should have been back in my rooms around 2...They took me away just before 10AM. Does Phil know it went ok? What if my family are worried? Has anyone told them? Called them?
Man, I'm so tired.
Huh, my heart rate is around 78. The guy beside me is at 62 (I could see his monitor too - and there was nothing else to look at lol) Is my heart rate too high?
Whoa! Mine's going up to 120! Ok, Ok calm down - close your eyes and visualise the mountain and tress from the Wellspring class. Phew, heart rate back down.
I don't like that machine. It's freaking me out a little. But I have nothing else to look at or distract me. And what if I don't keep an eye on it and my heart rate jumps again?
BEEP!
What was that??? It's not my machine...
BEEP!
Oh no is something wrong with someone behind me? Are they in trouble? I can't see...its not crazy repetitive beeping but boy is it loud...
BEEP!
Man that's scaring me. If they just came out of surgery and are in trouble then the same can happen to me!
"Um, can I please have more water?" I barely croak out.
Wow, I got a sentence out! But I hope she helps me drink - holding a cup seems like alot of energy that I don't think I have....
"Are you cold? Do you need a blanket?"
Hmmmm, no...
"No I'm actually hot flashing".
Getting a little easier to talk. Not long sentences though.
Oh that damn monitor is showing my heart rate go up again...like 125...calm down, calm down...Ok back down to 78. That must be my normal.
Oh no going up again! 125. 130. 135.
"Um excuse me...excuse me...." I croak to a man in purple scrubs. Slight panic in my voice.
A nurse comes right over to me "yes, can I help you?".
"I think my heart is racing"
She's looking at me and takes my hand (maybe she was sneakily taking my pulse now that I think about it) But she isn't looking at the machine, which is behind her.
"Does your heart race from time to time? Maybe after you have a hot flash?".
"No, I don't think so...I've never noticed".
OH GOD OH GOD it's going higher! 145...man now I can feel it pounding in my chest. What if it goes so high it stops and they have to use those paddles on me? Would that hurt? Would I lose consciousness? Am I having a heart attack? I can't tell her how scared I am...
156. (calm down calm down...deep breaths...visualise...focus...forget the numbers...)
To the nurse "it's just the number seems to be high on the machine" I point to the vitals machine behind her.
She turns to look at the machine.
"Oh ya. Let me get some monitors on you. Take your blood pressure".
Oh man is it really that bad then? She's monitoring me - can't be normal. Please just calm down. I'm scared. My family is waiting for me. I hate this anxiety.
Heart rate slowly goes back to 78ish. I could cry from relief. Nurse calls anaesthesiologist. That concerns me a bit. And she's hovering. Are they worried? Is this serious? I don't want it to happen again. That was really scary. I feel like a kid lost in a store trying to find their parents. I don't like feeling this way.
It's 3pm. Phil and the moms must be wondering what's going on.
"Um sorry to bother you but did anyone call my husband? He's here at the hospital. He waited here the whole time I was in surgery. I'm not back yet. I'm worried he's worried."
"I don't think anyone called him but I can get you a phone!".
Relief but mild anxiety. I have to talk? I don't know if I have the energy . I can keep my eyes open all good now, but talking still requires major effort. What if I can't leave a message? Or start then can't finish it? That will scare him more. Oh God.
"Here's the phone".
So I call but get voice mail. I leave a message.
"I'm out of surgery. I'm all good, just waiting for a bed. Had a bit of a racing heart but it's all good now. I'll see you soon. Love you".
Anaesthesiologist comes by. Asks about racing heart. It doesn't appear related to surgery (as in a complication or side effect to general) My EKG thingy shows normal, so it was likely from 1. pain, 2. stress or 3. anxiety. Ha, ok that explains it. But I'm still terrified it's going to happen again. I didn't like it. At all.
Finally at 3:30 they tell me they are just waiting for a bed and I get my "release" papers from recovery. By 4pm I'm being wheeled out. Still anxious, but more awake than before. Still no nausea.
As I come around the corner, I see Phil's very relieved face and next thing he's right by my side (he moves fast!) and kissing my face all over.
Man, he must have been worried!
"Sorry I took so long".
He's smiling and holding my hand as they wheel me back to my day surgery spot. Its after 4pm. I have been gone almost 7 hours.
Next my mom comes over, relief also all over her face. "Hi babygirl. I Love you" I feel calmer now that they are with me and see I'm ok. My mother in law and father in law are there too., They are all in my room (so much for the 1 person rule lol)
My mom "If you're tired, close your eyes and rest. Don't worry about us".
My eyes pop open. "Don't leave - please!" That scares me. I don't want to be alone again.
"No, no we're not going anywhere. Just sleep if you're tired. We're right here."
I finally relax. They won't leave me. I've made it through surgery. Thank you God.
"Are you hungry?"
"Ya, I'm starved! When's food coming?"
6pm.
Oh man the last time I ate was 530 the prvious night. Feeling lightheaded. Hope that's my blood surgar and not low blood pressure...still anxious.
"Apple juice please".
I need to get sugar into me. I don't want to get nauseous from no food.
I drink (slowly) through 2 of them and feel better. And have to pee. BADLY! But I have these clot preventing squeezy leg things on that I need help to get out of.
But just then my Kinda Handsome Surgeon comes by.
He is smiling from ear to ear. "Surgery went great! Textbook surgery. ...blah blah blah..." All I can think is I gotta go to the bathroom NOW. It's actually getting painful so I start to sit up and undo the straps on my legs on my own as he is talking. He looks so happy and I'd love to talk to him but I can't think cause my bladder is going to exlpode!
He leaves and with the nurses help I walk to the bathroom and feel so much better (my pee is greeny-blue...weird...Is that from the general? oh ya probably from the blue dye they injected into me for the node biopsy) She gives me a quick sponge bath to get all the yellow germ killing stuff off my skin from surgery. I look down at my chest but it's still bandaged.
Hmmm...Doesn't look too bad.
Phil and my Mom :"It's slimming!"
Ya I guess it kinda is. Hmmm, wonder how much weight I've lost?? It's not bad at all. Well that's a surprise - I didn't think I'd embrace my new body so soon. Course I'm so relieved surgery is done so maybe it's sort of a "honeymoon" phase. I'm rolling with it whatever it is.
After I eat supper I'm like a new woman! Wide awake, colour back in my face but most telling - talking. Non stop!
My friends Janis and Liz stop by hospital to visit. How awesome is that?? The nurses allowed us to skip the whole 1 person at a time rule and now it's like a party in my room!
I'm so happy. Wow...didn't expect that!
Aside from this (rather loud) group in my room, Phil tells me his and my Facebook have exploded with messages. I look at my phone and it's true! He's been updating facebook and done an awesome job...Facebook, Emails, texts! Wow! It's gonna take me all night to read all the messages!!
So, as visiting hours come to an end, and these amazing people in my life leave, my heart is once again filled with love...and hope.
Thank you....
"It's 1:30pm. Surgery is over and it went fine. You're in recovery now".
These were the first words I heard as I felt my bed being wheeled. I tried to open my eyes but they felt like they had bricks glued to them, pulling them closed.
Patch of bright light. Another patch of bright light.
I was feeling anxious. I need to open my eyes and start talking don't I? Isn't that what they want from you after surgery to make sure you came out of the general ok?
I'm sooo sleepy....
"Take a deep breath for me to make sure your lungs are working OK".
OK.
By the time I could finally open my eyes - for brief periods - my bed is no longer moving, I'm in a room with other people and I'm facing a wall which has a clock and my vitals monitor.
I can hear people talking. Alot! I can barely keep my eyes open and can't fathom finding the energy to talk...How can they be talking like they just woke up from a normal sleep? What's wrong with me?
My anxiety rises.
They are gonna want me to talk and they will probably pester me till I can talk normally...Isn't that what I am supposed to do after general? Snap out of it? I gotta fight this tiredness harder....
"Would you like some water? Your throat might be sore or feel raw or scratchy from being intibated".
I croak out a "yes please".
She comes back with ice chips too "so you don't feel nauseous".
Hmmmm...no nausea. Well that's good.
"How is your pain? Do you need something for the pain? They gave you narcotics but sometimes they are slow to kick in. Tylenol can help the narcotics work".
I think I feel some pain but I'm not sure...it's so foggy....
"OK".
She give me 2 pills and water. Slight panic. What if I can't swallow them? But I don't have the energy to tell her so I just do it one pill at a time. Goes down ok. Relief.
Now I'm awake enough to see my surroundings but talking takes major concentration (but I can hear and understand everything perfect - its only my voice that's in a fog).
I see the clock says 2:30. Oh man I was supposed to be gone only 4 hrs. I should have been back in my rooms around 2...They took me away just before 10AM. Does Phil know it went ok? What if my family are worried? Has anyone told them? Called them?
Man, I'm so tired.
Huh, my heart rate is around 78. The guy beside me is at 62 (I could see his monitor too - and there was nothing else to look at lol) Is my heart rate too high?
Whoa! Mine's going up to 120! Ok, Ok calm down - close your eyes and visualise the mountain and tress from the Wellspring class. Phew, heart rate back down.
I don't like that machine. It's freaking me out a little. But I have nothing else to look at or distract me. And what if I don't keep an eye on it and my heart rate jumps again?
BEEP!
What was that??? It's not my machine...
BEEP!
Oh no is something wrong with someone behind me? Are they in trouble? I can't see...its not crazy repetitive beeping but boy is it loud...
BEEP!
Man that's scaring me. If they just came out of surgery and are in trouble then the same can happen to me!
"Um, can I please have more water?" I barely croak out.
Wow, I got a sentence out! But I hope she helps me drink - holding a cup seems like alot of energy that I don't think I have....
"Are you cold? Do you need a blanket?"
Hmmmm, no...
"No I'm actually hot flashing".
Getting a little easier to talk. Not long sentences though.
Oh that damn monitor is showing my heart rate go up again...like 125...calm down, calm down...Ok back down to 78. That must be my normal.
Oh no going up again! 125. 130. 135.
"Um excuse me...excuse me...." I croak to a man in purple scrubs. Slight panic in my voice.
A nurse comes right over to me "yes, can I help you?".
"I think my heart is racing"
She's looking at me and takes my hand (maybe she was sneakily taking my pulse now that I think about it) But she isn't looking at the machine, which is behind her.
"Does your heart race from time to time? Maybe after you have a hot flash?".
"No, I don't think so...I've never noticed".
OH GOD OH GOD it's going higher! 145...man now I can feel it pounding in my chest. What if it goes so high it stops and they have to use those paddles on me? Would that hurt? Would I lose consciousness? Am I having a heart attack? I can't tell her how scared I am...
156. (calm down calm down...deep breaths...visualise...focus...forget the numbers...)
To the nurse "it's just the number seems to be high on the machine" I point to the vitals machine behind her.
She turns to look at the machine.
"Oh ya. Let me get some monitors on you. Take your blood pressure".
Oh man is it really that bad then? She's monitoring me - can't be normal. Please just calm down. I'm scared. My family is waiting for me. I hate this anxiety.
Heart rate slowly goes back to 78ish. I could cry from relief. Nurse calls anaesthesiologist. That concerns me a bit. And she's hovering. Are they worried? Is this serious? I don't want it to happen again. That was really scary. I feel like a kid lost in a store trying to find their parents. I don't like feeling this way.
It's 3pm. Phil and the moms must be wondering what's going on.
"Um sorry to bother you but did anyone call my husband? He's here at the hospital. He waited here the whole time I was in surgery. I'm not back yet. I'm worried he's worried."
"I don't think anyone called him but I can get you a phone!".
Relief but mild anxiety. I have to talk? I don't know if I have the energy . I can keep my eyes open all good now, but talking still requires major effort. What if I can't leave a message? Or start then can't finish it? That will scare him more. Oh God.
"Here's the phone".
So I call but get voice mail. I leave a message.
"I'm out of surgery. I'm all good, just waiting for a bed. Had a bit of a racing heart but it's all good now. I'll see you soon. Love you".
Anaesthesiologist comes by. Asks about racing heart. It doesn't appear related to surgery (as in a complication or side effect to general) My EKG thingy shows normal, so it was likely from 1. pain, 2. stress or 3. anxiety. Ha, ok that explains it. But I'm still terrified it's going to happen again. I didn't like it. At all.
Finally at 3:30 they tell me they are just waiting for a bed and I get my "release" papers from recovery. By 4pm I'm being wheeled out. Still anxious, but more awake than before. Still no nausea.
As I come around the corner, I see Phil's very relieved face and next thing he's right by my side (he moves fast!) and kissing my face all over.
Man, he must have been worried!
"Sorry I took so long".
He's smiling and holding my hand as they wheel me back to my day surgery spot. Its after 4pm. I have been gone almost 7 hours.
Next my mom comes over, relief also all over her face. "Hi babygirl. I Love you" I feel calmer now that they are with me and see I'm ok. My mother in law and father in law are there too., They are all in my room (so much for the 1 person rule lol)
My mom "If you're tired, close your eyes and rest. Don't worry about us".
My eyes pop open. "Don't leave - please!" That scares me. I don't want to be alone again.
"No, no we're not going anywhere. Just sleep if you're tired. We're right here."
I finally relax. They won't leave me. I've made it through surgery. Thank you God.
"Are you hungry?"
"Ya, I'm starved! When's food coming?"
6pm.
Oh man the last time I ate was 530 the prvious night. Feeling lightheaded. Hope that's my blood surgar and not low blood pressure...still anxious.
"Apple juice please".
I need to get sugar into me. I don't want to get nauseous from no food.
I drink (slowly) through 2 of them and feel better. And have to pee. BADLY! But I have these clot preventing squeezy leg things on that I need help to get out of.
But just then my Kinda Handsome Surgeon comes by.
He is smiling from ear to ear. "Surgery went great! Textbook surgery. ...blah blah blah..." All I can think is I gotta go to the bathroom NOW. It's actually getting painful so I start to sit up and undo the straps on my legs on my own as he is talking. He looks so happy and I'd love to talk to him but I can't think cause my bladder is going to exlpode!
He leaves and with the nurses help I walk to the bathroom and feel so much better (my pee is greeny-blue...weird...Is that from the general? oh ya probably from the blue dye they injected into me for the node biopsy) She gives me a quick sponge bath to get all the yellow germ killing stuff off my skin from surgery. I look down at my chest but it's still bandaged.
Hmmm...Doesn't look too bad.
Phil and my Mom :"It's slimming!"
Ya I guess it kinda is. Hmmm, wonder how much weight I've lost?? It's not bad at all. Well that's a surprise - I didn't think I'd embrace my new body so soon. Course I'm so relieved surgery is done so maybe it's sort of a "honeymoon" phase. I'm rolling with it whatever it is.
After I eat supper I'm like a new woman! Wide awake, colour back in my face but most telling - talking. Non stop!
My friends Janis and Liz stop by hospital to visit. How awesome is that?? The nurses allowed us to skip the whole 1 person at a time rule and now it's like a party in my room!
I'm so happy. Wow...didn't expect that!
Aside from this (rather loud) group in my room, Phil tells me his and my Facebook have exploded with messages. I look at my phone and it's true! He's been updating facebook and done an awesome job...Facebook, Emails, texts! Wow! It's gonna take me all night to read all the messages!!
So, as visiting hours come to an end, and these amazing people in my life leave, my heart is once again filled with love...and hope.
Thank you....
"...I've had bad habbits but I dropped em..
I've had oppnonents but I knocked them out,
I climbed the highest mountains,
I swam the coldest seas,
There ain't a thing I've faced that's been too much for me...
Nobody's gonna see me coming,
Nobody's gonna hear a sound,
No matter how hard they trying,
No stopping me since I've found
My Inner Ninja...."
Inner Ninja - by Classified.
Keep it up, Cindy!
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