Oct 22, 2014
Today is my Mom's birthday. Sadly we weren't celebrating with her...we dropped the kids off at the bus stop and dayhome and then got ready to prep for the needle in the boob I was going to get in a few hours. Whoo hoo...
The two weeks leading up to surgery I was an emotional mess. I cried alot and grieved the (very) soon to be loss of my girls. But the day before, surgery prep day, my Inner Ninja was back. I was in warrior mode, focused solely on the upcoming task - The Prep.
I was calm. No emotion. It felt weird, but was also a welcome relief to the roller coaster ride I had been on. I told Phil I wondered if this is what Olympic Athletes do - get into "the zone" on event days. Ha, not that I am in any way shape or form anything near an Olympic Athlete. I just mean the incredible focus that they need to complete their event, without letting anything else cloud their minds.
It's a skill that I hope will serve me for the rest of my life, outside of canser. Cause it's incredibly helpful. And I was never like this prior to my diagnosis about anything - I used to turn into a total spaz. Another HUGE Silver Lining.
Anyways, they told me to get EMLA cream, which is a topical anaesthetic - it numbs the top skin of the breast so you don't feel the needle. It needs to be applied 1 hour before the procedure - which was at 11AM for me. I had gone to Shoppers the previous afternoon and gotten the tube as told.
Except when I was reading the instructions - to apply the cream all around my nipple and outside a ways of the areola, icing it like a cake (yes it actually said that) - I noticed it was talking about a 5g tube...Shoppers had sold me a 30g tube!! I asked Phil "how will we know when it's enough??". He wasn't sure so we just started...when he was done, we had used most of the cream and my right breast looked like a cupcake!!! We laughed, took a pic, laughed some more and texted my mom saying "The Cake Is Iced", and laughed again. She cracked up ha ha.
Then I put Saran wrap over it (to keep it from coming off - you can't rub it in) and had to leave my (rather large) right breast hanging out of my bra, and off we went...Oh the glamorous life I lead!!
When we got to where we needed to be (Diagnostic Imaging at Rockyview Hospital) we sat and waited. I still wasn't nervous - I just tried not to think about it too much. I also knew so many people who had gone through this and i don't recall any horror stories. I asked if Phil could come in, expecting them to say no, but they said he could! Silver Lining! No being dragged away to face scary procedure by myself...with radiologists! So we went in, and they told me to wipe all the EMLA cream off (I think the guy did a double take when he saw how much we used lol) He told me to get undressed from waist up and just cover myself with a blanket. We were in the room with a big machine (xray I think) that had a bed attached to it, so I layed on it.
When the guy came back in, I asked how long it would take and he said not too long. I told him when I got the radioactive needle for my bone scan how it was super quick. He said "ya but this is going to be alot more painful".
I think this is the exact moment I got nervous...I also happened to notice it was not 1 but 2 needles I would be getting. UG! Breathe, breathe....
He told me to lay on the bed and wait for the radiologist, who would be along shortly. As I layed there, Phil came by my side and held my hand. This is when the adrenaline kicked in and my whole body kept getting tremors cause of my nerves! I was shaking pretty bad by the time the radiologist came in. They let Phil stay right beside me and then the Radiologist bent the needles.I was thinking "this is getting weirder all the time". She raised me up electronically till I was chest height to her.
As she came close to me to get ready to insert it, I held my body very still, took a deep breath...and felt nothing! She quickly did the second needle and then we were done! I asked them why it was painful for some and they said "sometimes the EMLA cream doesn't work"...And I thought "well maybe you should tell everyone to get the 30g tube - I can't feel my whole upper half". Ha
They told us to come back in 2 hours. The needles contain a radioactive liquid that lights up the lymph nodes so when I came back, they would x-ray my lymph nodes to map them for the surgeon. Ok.
So we came back and they brought me in - alone - but I was so much more relaxed knowing it was not an invasive procedure. After getting undressed from waist up again, they told me to lay down again on the bed and covered me with blankets, and then asked me to lay on my left side with my right arm over my head.
Radiologist "This will be similar to the pose during surgery"
Me "Gulp..."
They moved the bed electronically and had this machine move around me in a circle taking pictures. Then she came over to mark my skin (I assume cause she had a marker in hand) she frowned, then left the room.
Mild panic attack. I do not like when docs leave the room unexpectedly...ESP radiologists....My heart was getting a good workout for sure, cause I think my heart rate was probably in the range of a medium jog...She came back a short time later and told me the nodes were not lighting up yet.
"The fluid must not have made it to your nodes yet. Come back in an hour and we'll do it then."
I tried really hard not to think about my nodes not lighting up. I just wanted for once to be part of the "average people" who would be done by now. I swallowed my anxiety. We just sat in waiting room till they called me for round 2.
After going through the same procedure from an hour before, she said they still weren't lit up. She looks at me and kindly explains "This doesn't happen all the time but it does happen. It's not a bad thing, and nothing is wrong. We do 3 of these a day, and once every 2-3 weeks this happens. Overnight the liquid will keep accumulating, and by morning they will be lit up.
She explained how the Surgeon's have special pens they use to find the nodes the morning of surgery to double check what they would have marked anyways, so they will just find them in the AM.
When we left those damn "Terror Tremors" were back. Why oh why couldn't it just be regular, run of the mill prep? The last thing I wanted was to worry about The Prep the night before Surgery. Luckily though, as much as it may have bothered me (wondering if it meant something sinister, like oh I don't know, was canser blocking the way???) I was actually able to put it out of my mind. My Inner Ninja was all over this.
And although I had a million things running through my mind that night, I was able to close my eyes and drift off.
A warrior, after all, needs her sleep.
Today is my Mom's birthday. Sadly we weren't celebrating with her...we dropped the kids off at the bus stop and dayhome and then got ready to prep for the needle in the boob I was going to get in a few hours. Whoo hoo...
The two weeks leading up to surgery I was an emotional mess. I cried alot and grieved the (very) soon to be loss of my girls. But the day before, surgery prep day, my Inner Ninja was back. I was in warrior mode, focused solely on the upcoming task - The Prep.
I was calm. No emotion. It felt weird, but was also a welcome relief to the roller coaster ride I had been on. I told Phil I wondered if this is what Olympic Athletes do - get into "the zone" on event days. Ha, not that I am in any way shape or form anything near an Olympic Athlete. I just mean the incredible focus that they need to complete their event, without letting anything else cloud their minds.
It's a skill that I hope will serve me for the rest of my life, outside of canser. Cause it's incredibly helpful. And I was never like this prior to my diagnosis about anything - I used to turn into a total spaz. Another HUGE Silver Lining.
Anyways, they told me to get EMLA cream, which is a topical anaesthetic - it numbs the top skin of the breast so you don't feel the needle. It needs to be applied 1 hour before the procedure - which was at 11AM for me. I had gone to Shoppers the previous afternoon and gotten the tube as told.
Except when I was reading the instructions - to apply the cream all around my nipple and outside a ways of the areola, icing it like a cake (yes it actually said that) - I noticed it was talking about a 5g tube...Shoppers had sold me a 30g tube!! I asked Phil "how will we know when it's enough??". He wasn't sure so we just started...when he was done, we had used most of the cream and my right breast looked like a cupcake!!! We laughed, took a pic, laughed some more and texted my mom saying "The Cake Is Iced", and laughed again. She cracked up ha ha.
Then I put Saran wrap over it (to keep it from coming off - you can't rub it in) and had to leave my (rather large) right breast hanging out of my bra, and off we went...Oh the glamorous life I lead!!
When we got to where we needed to be (Diagnostic Imaging at Rockyview Hospital) we sat and waited. I still wasn't nervous - I just tried not to think about it too much. I also knew so many people who had gone through this and i don't recall any horror stories. I asked if Phil could come in, expecting them to say no, but they said he could! Silver Lining! No being dragged away to face scary procedure by myself...with radiologists! So we went in, and they told me to wipe all the EMLA cream off (I think the guy did a double take when he saw how much we used lol) He told me to get undressed from waist up and just cover myself with a blanket. We were in the room with a big machine (xray I think) that had a bed attached to it, so I layed on it.
When the guy came back in, I asked how long it would take and he said not too long. I told him when I got the radioactive needle for my bone scan how it was super quick. He said "ya but this is going to be alot more painful".
I think this is the exact moment I got nervous...I also happened to notice it was not 1 but 2 needles I would be getting. UG! Breathe, breathe....
He told me to lay on the bed and wait for the radiologist, who would be along shortly. As I layed there, Phil came by my side and held my hand. This is when the adrenaline kicked in and my whole body kept getting tremors cause of my nerves! I was shaking pretty bad by the time the radiologist came in. They let Phil stay right beside me and then the Radiologist bent the needles.I was thinking "this is getting weirder all the time". She raised me up electronically till I was chest height to her.
As she came close to me to get ready to insert it, I held my body very still, took a deep breath...and felt nothing! She quickly did the second needle and then we were done! I asked them why it was painful for some and they said "sometimes the EMLA cream doesn't work"...And I thought "well maybe you should tell everyone to get the 30g tube - I can't feel my whole upper half". Ha
They told us to come back in 2 hours. The needles contain a radioactive liquid that lights up the lymph nodes so when I came back, they would x-ray my lymph nodes to map them for the surgeon. Ok.
So we came back and they brought me in - alone - but I was so much more relaxed knowing it was not an invasive procedure. After getting undressed from waist up again, they told me to lay down again on the bed and covered me with blankets, and then asked me to lay on my left side with my right arm over my head.
Radiologist "This will be similar to the pose during surgery"
Me "Gulp..."
They moved the bed electronically and had this machine move around me in a circle taking pictures. Then she came over to mark my skin (I assume cause she had a marker in hand) she frowned, then left the room.
Mild panic attack. I do not like when docs leave the room unexpectedly...ESP radiologists....My heart was getting a good workout for sure, cause I think my heart rate was probably in the range of a medium jog...She came back a short time later and told me the nodes were not lighting up yet.
"The fluid must not have made it to your nodes yet. Come back in an hour and we'll do it then."
I tried really hard not to think about my nodes not lighting up. I just wanted for once to be part of the "average people" who would be done by now. I swallowed my anxiety. We just sat in waiting room till they called me for round 2.
After going through the same procedure from an hour before, she said they still weren't lit up. She looks at me and kindly explains "This doesn't happen all the time but it does happen. It's not a bad thing, and nothing is wrong. We do 3 of these a day, and once every 2-3 weeks this happens. Overnight the liquid will keep accumulating, and by morning they will be lit up.
She explained how the Surgeon's have special pens they use to find the nodes the morning of surgery to double check what they would have marked anyways, so they will just find them in the AM.
When we left those damn "Terror Tremors" were back. Why oh why couldn't it just be regular, run of the mill prep? The last thing I wanted was to worry about The Prep the night before Surgery. Luckily though, as much as it may have bothered me (wondering if it meant something sinister, like oh I don't know, was canser blocking the way???) I was actually able to put it out of my mind. My Inner Ninja was all over this.
And although I had a million things running through my mind that night, I was able to close my eyes and drift off.
A warrior, after all, needs her sleep.
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