Oct 29, 2014
My kids had been on my mind throughout all of surgery. Were they worrying? Were they scared? Did they miss me? Were they sad?
Talking to my kids about my diagnosis and then chemo went way better than I expected. So I knew kids are resilient and took their cues from us. But I was worried about how they would handle surgery. I would be permanently different after. Would this be the part that broke them?
My friend Kelly had to have a bilateral mastectomy right at the start of her journey. Then chemo, then radiation. When we went to Kelly's fundraiser in May, Emily noticed Kelly didn't have breasts. She asked me how Kelly could have breast canser if she had no boobs. I was caught a bit off guard and quickly explained how Kelly had to have an operation first to get rid of the canser. Because "sometimes that's what needs to happen first".
Emily looked horrified and said "So they chopped off her boobs??? You told me an operation is when they take the canser out!!"
I explained yes but with Kelly's case they had to remove her breasts to make sure the canser was gone.
I had not done any reading as to how to explain a mastectomy to a 5 year old. After tripping over a bunch of explanations, I told her how Kelly would get new boobs once she was all healed, figuring this would satisfy Emily.
"But they won't be the ones she was born with" is what she answered to that....
Oh man. Why is my 5 year old thinking so deeply about this? What could I say to that?
So seeing how strongly she reacted to Kelly's surgery, I was worried she might have issues with mine. Weeks before surgery, we started talking about how I needed an operation and how it might mean the same as Kelly's.
Emmy "I don't want you to chop off your boobies! I wish breast canser never existed so no mommies would ever have to get their boobies chopped off".
I came downstairs and cried. We sort of talked about it with Ethan but honestly didn't get into too much detail. He used to call my breasts my "milks" so he was attached to them in a that they represented comfort to him.
Pre-surgery was a hard time emotionally for me. Seeing their unease and unhappiness about it only made it worse. The whole situation sucked.
Two nights before surgery, Phil and Emily were talking about it.
As Phil was explaining (again) what would happen, Emily asked "So will Mommy just stand there with her eyes closed and they will chop them off?"
I'm glad it wasn't me or I would've burst into tears that this is what she was torturing herself with...
Phil explained about the special medicine that would put me in a very deep sleep so I wouldn't feel any pain. And how he and Grammy and Grandma would be with me at the hospital.
"Will you just sit in the room and watch while mommy gets her operation?"
As he was explaining the wait room, I walked in.
"Mommy what will happen to the doctors after the operation?"
"What do you mean? Like will they go home? Yes, they are just like us, they will go home to sleep."
She looked upset again. "So you'll be all alone in the hospital all night??"
Oh man. I just wanted to take all the pain and worry out of her mind. She's 5 1/2. She shouldn't have to worry about this. Any of it. Ug.
So when I got home after surgery and was resting before Phil went to pick them up, I was excited to see them (I had missed them sooo much) but I wasn't sure how they'd handle the "new me".
When they got home they raced up the stairs. I could have cried from the overwhelming emotions of seeing the kids for the first time.
Emmy "Can I see your bandages?". (this was the first thing she said to me)
Alrighty then....
So I obliged. She was curious about the drains too. "What are those?". Ethan wanted to know too. So much for slowly showing them! I explained they were there to drain the extra liquid and that they would come out in a week or so. Then I got my hugs. Leg hugs to start as I wasn't sure how tender I was in my chest. I was actually numb around my chest, but didn't realise it as I thought it was still the general coming out of my system. Throughout the rest of the night, and coming days the kids asked to see the bandages and drains. Over and over and over. Man are they curious at this age. But I was relieved that curiosity was the main feeling and not apprehension or fear. I don't think I could have handled that.
My nephews (6 & 9) were the same that night. They wanted to see too. Aunty's show and tell lol.
Slept like a log that night (after taking a Percocet) and went to Emmy's dance class with my mom the next morning! I was still floating and thrilled about surgery being over. So much build up for it, and it was finally over. Time to move on with life. You may have noticed that I tend to tackle things head on and recovery was no different. I did make sure to take it easy that afternoon.
We took off the bandages the next morning. Hmmm still not too bad. Tape was still on them. The nurse told me I could remove the tape 10-14 days post Op.
OK.
Emmy wanted to see right away. I showed her. Ethan too. It was the same all over again - Emmy wanting to see "those marks where your boobies were" over and over the next few days. Ethan started asking when the drains would be gone, frequently, so I took it as a cue that he wasn't thrilled about them and kept them out of his sight as much as I could, without making a big fuss about it. That seemed to help.
One time we were sitting on the couch, watching a movie. He looked at my chest and exclaimed "where are your boobies?" Guess it was an adjustment for them too.
Overall the kids have handled it like champs. They make me so proud. Andrea told Emmy that she could call her anytime she wanted - to talk about whatever she wanted to. Emmy took her up on it. She told her one call that "Mommy's things where her boobies were aren't as scary anymore". This upset me a bit that she was scared about them, but it opened up a conversation, funnily enough while eating dinner lol.
"Would you guys feel better if Mommy wore a shirt the next while until I'm more healed?" They both said yes, so that's what I did - although they kept asking to see lol and I kept obliging and showing them. But maybe being able to choose when they saw was easier for them to process then be surprised if I walked around with a shirt that showed my chest when they weren't expecting it.
Overall that week after surgery was ok. I was emotional in that for once in my whole journey I was very dependant on Phil and my Mom and help from others since I physically couldn't do alot on my own. That was hard. One time Phil was helping me to wash up in the shower and I started to cry. I felt like a 3rd child. It was frustrating as hell.
Also Ethan was not liking the whole "no normal hug" policy at first. It killed me too. But I just kept focusing on how this was temporary and I was getting stronger every day. Phil was home that week so that helped. My mom came over every day as well.
I need to also add, when I got home from surgery I was once again reminded of all the support from those who weren't physically with me...I started getting deliveries!! Some fruit arrangements, some flower arrangements...what a wonderful way to perk me up!! I was NOT expecting this at all so they were wonderful surprises!!! My friend Melissa (who I used to work with) sent an Edible arrangement with high heeled shoe shaped goodies in them!! Phil's aunts sent me a beautiful flower arrangement! My lovely friend Bobbi and her family sent me another gorgeous flower arrangement! My sis in law came over that night with another edible arrangement! And Kelly came by for a visit and brought me the things that helped her after surgery - amazing!! The PJ's especially are awesome and warm....And Emma came by on the Sunday for a visit, tea and great conversation, which was a welcome distraction from just being stuck at home, and still tender.
I'm sure I would have stayed on the positive track, had it not been for the little snag...I got an infection....
And that was the straw that broke this camel's back....
My kids had been on my mind throughout all of surgery. Were they worrying? Were they scared? Did they miss me? Were they sad?
Talking to my kids about my diagnosis and then chemo went way better than I expected. So I knew kids are resilient and took their cues from us. But I was worried about how they would handle surgery. I would be permanently different after. Would this be the part that broke them?
My friend Kelly had to have a bilateral mastectomy right at the start of her journey. Then chemo, then radiation. When we went to Kelly's fundraiser in May, Emily noticed Kelly didn't have breasts. She asked me how Kelly could have breast canser if she had no boobs. I was caught a bit off guard and quickly explained how Kelly had to have an operation first to get rid of the canser. Because "sometimes that's what needs to happen first".
Emily looked horrified and said "So they chopped off her boobs??? You told me an operation is when they take the canser out!!"
I explained yes but with Kelly's case they had to remove her breasts to make sure the canser was gone.
I had not done any reading as to how to explain a mastectomy to a 5 year old. After tripping over a bunch of explanations, I told her how Kelly would get new boobs once she was all healed, figuring this would satisfy Emily.
"But they won't be the ones she was born with" is what she answered to that....
Oh man. Why is my 5 year old thinking so deeply about this? What could I say to that?
So seeing how strongly she reacted to Kelly's surgery, I was worried she might have issues with mine. Weeks before surgery, we started talking about how I needed an operation and how it might mean the same as Kelly's.
Emmy "I don't want you to chop off your boobies! I wish breast canser never existed so no mommies would ever have to get their boobies chopped off".
I came downstairs and cried. We sort of talked about it with Ethan but honestly didn't get into too much detail. He used to call my breasts my "milks" so he was attached to them in a that they represented comfort to him.
Pre-surgery was a hard time emotionally for me. Seeing their unease and unhappiness about it only made it worse. The whole situation sucked.
Two nights before surgery, Phil and Emily were talking about it.
As Phil was explaining (again) what would happen, Emily asked "So will Mommy just stand there with her eyes closed and they will chop them off?"
I'm glad it wasn't me or I would've burst into tears that this is what she was torturing herself with...
Phil explained about the special medicine that would put me in a very deep sleep so I wouldn't feel any pain. And how he and Grammy and Grandma would be with me at the hospital.
"Will you just sit in the room and watch while mommy gets her operation?"
As he was explaining the wait room, I walked in.
"Mommy what will happen to the doctors after the operation?"
"What do you mean? Like will they go home? Yes, they are just like us, they will go home to sleep."
She looked upset again. "So you'll be all alone in the hospital all night??"
Oh man. I just wanted to take all the pain and worry out of her mind. She's 5 1/2. She shouldn't have to worry about this. Any of it. Ug.
So when I got home after surgery and was resting before Phil went to pick them up, I was excited to see them (I had missed them sooo much) but I wasn't sure how they'd handle the "new me".
When they got home they raced up the stairs. I could have cried from the overwhelming emotions of seeing the kids for the first time.
Emmy "Can I see your bandages?". (this was the first thing she said to me)
Alrighty then....
My nephews (6 & 9) were the same that night. They wanted to see too. Aunty's show and tell lol.
Slept like a log that night (after taking a Percocet) and went to Emmy's dance class with my mom the next morning! I was still floating and thrilled about surgery being over. So much build up for it, and it was finally over. Time to move on with life. You may have noticed that I tend to tackle things head on and recovery was no different. I did make sure to take it easy that afternoon.
We took off the bandages the next morning. Hmmm still not too bad. Tape was still on them. The nurse told me I could remove the tape 10-14 days post Op.
OK.
Emmy wanted to see right away. I showed her. Ethan too. It was the same all over again - Emmy wanting to see "those marks where your boobies were" over and over the next few days. Ethan started asking when the drains would be gone, frequently, so I took it as a cue that he wasn't thrilled about them and kept them out of his sight as much as I could, without making a big fuss about it. That seemed to help.
One time we were sitting on the couch, watching a movie. He looked at my chest and exclaimed "where are your boobies?" Guess it was an adjustment for them too.
Overall the kids have handled it like champs. They make me so proud. Andrea told Emmy that she could call her anytime she wanted - to talk about whatever she wanted to. Emmy took her up on it. She told her one call that "Mommy's things where her boobies were aren't as scary anymore". This upset me a bit that she was scared about them, but it opened up a conversation, funnily enough while eating dinner lol.
Overall that week after surgery was ok. I was emotional in that for once in my whole journey I was very dependant on Phil and my Mom and help from others since I physically couldn't do alot on my own. That was hard. One time Phil was helping me to wash up in the shower and I started to cry. I felt like a 3rd child. It was frustrating as hell.
Also Ethan was not liking the whole "no normal hug" policy at first. It killed me too. But I just kept focusing on how this was temporary and I was getting stronger every day. Phil was home that week so that helped. My mom came over every day as well.
I need to also add, when I got home from surgery I was once again reminded of all the support from those who weren't physically with me...I started getting deliveries!! Some fruit arrangements, some flower arrangements...what a wonderful way to perk me up!! I was NOT expecting this at all so they were wonderful surprises!!! My friend Melissa (who I used to work with) sent an Edible arrangement with high heeled shoe shaped goodies in them!! Phil's aunts sent me a beautiful flower arrangement! My lovely friend Bobbi and her family sent me another gorgeous flower arrangement! My sis in law came over that night with another edible arrangement! And Kelly came by for a visit and brought me the things that helped her after surgery - amazing!! The PJ's especially are awesome and warm....And Emma came by on the Sunday for a visit, tea and great conversation, which was a welcome distraction from just being stuck at home, and still tender.
I'm sure I would have stayed on the positive track, had it not been for the little snag...I got an infection....
And that was the straw that broke this camel's back....
so heartwarming <3 the ending rlly caught me off guard. i hope you're fine today ! lots of love
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