July 19, 2014
Words.
They are one of the most powerful weapons in this fight. They have the power to uplift, inspire, make me cry tears of joy. A kind word can pick me up when I've fallen down.
Unfortunately they also have the power to fill me with terror, despair and dread. They can break my heart and send me spiralling into all the dark places I try so hard to stay away from.
Spoken words are tough cause once something is said, it can't be unsaid. Even if they are spoken in anger or frustration, they can come back to haunt me when I'm having a bad moment. Or during chemo week when it seems all negative thoughts, stories and emotions come out of the woodwork.
I'm in a positive mindset like 90% of the time but it only takes the wrong words to change my whole perspective.
Just words.
How is that possible?
Last night I saw a story on HuffPost while perusing Facebook. It spoke of an inspirational story of a Mom (of 5) with stage IV breast canser (Stage IV means it has spread to other parts of the body) Within 5 lines I had tears cascading down my cheeks. It was triple negative, like me. She beat it the first time - last year - when she was 36. Now she's in Europe fighting for her life.
All I could think is "that could be my story". It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I cried for a while. Terror was coursing through my veins. My whole body shook. First time since the "dark days" pre diagnosis.
Sadly that's the reality with life once you've had a canser diagnosis. You just don't know. That is scary as hell.
But I've decided I'm not going to shy away from a story or a person cause they remind me of my own mortality. That Mama needs love. And support. I've heard stories equal to and worse as hers where the women are now canser free, 20 plus years later.
Yes, stage IV women.
So I'm gonna reach out to her. I think once you're in this club you gotta support each other however you are capable. Cause what if that was me and everyone wrote me off cause it was "just too much" or "just too scary"?
Here is her link:
Sarah Amento: This time I wonder, will I die bald?
That is the story I read. It's part of her blog that I'm trying to figure out how to go back to the beginning (lol)
For those in this fight not ready or capable right now of a story that may hit too close to home, please don't read it right now. When you're ready, her story will be there. I'll support her for the both of us in the meantime.
Cause I feel a kinship with her now. A woman I've never met. She's young. She has kids. Sounds like the first time around she had my same attitude. How can I not reach out and cheer her on? Like so many have done to me.
Cause she needs positivity now more than anything. Not pity. Not despair.
Hope. Love. Knowing she's not alone. That's what gets me through.
In a weird way she's an unexpected Silver Lining. She has reminded me that sometimes you need to embrace a situation that may scare you. You need to love and hope even if you're terrified. Cause just maybe it will change your perspective. And teach you something in the process.
This journey for me has been all about growing and opening myself up to the good in life. Sometimes that means having to move past the scary stuff to get through to the good.
So thank you Sarah - your words started out as scary to me but taught me something in the process.
For that I am grateful.
Good luck - from one Warrior Mama to another. We're in this together and I'm sending you hope, strength and positivity.
And Love.
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