"This is no time for ease and comfort. It is the time to dare and endure". - Winston Churchill

July 21, 2014

Well hello Docetaxel. I have heard all about you since my first Oncologist appointment. Your reputation precedes you. I think I've heard one 'good' story of all the many tales I've heard about you. How wretched you are. How tough on the body. 

The last 6 weeks I've been the most anxious since my FEC doses were getting worse and it was supposed to be the "easier" drug....

Thankfully at my last chemo and last oncologist appointment I challenged the notion of how bad you were. And told whoever would listen how freaked out I was from getting from all the 'negative press' about you.

The chemo nurse from my last (hurray!!) FEC dose, where I got sick, told me I'd be fine. Esp if I only had to get (potentially) 2 doses. "You'll barely get any side effects. Don't worry. And this is coming from a chemo nurse". Bless her. That gave me some hope. Some courage to face the devil I haven't met yet. My oncologist nurse - who's been awesome all along my journey - seconded that opinion. Cause I was pretty emotional going into that last appointment. I had lots of fear. And so far chemo has still not managed to put my body into a menopausal state - which is one of the few side effects I haven't gotten - so it was "that time of month" which put me in even more of an emotional state than normal. 

So I may have cried. Each time one of the four people came in lol. My nurse was the last one so she was pretty gentle.

Let me back up to the first new 'helper' nurse. She took my weight, vitals and all that. I can't remember when I started to cry but she wasn't spared lol. It might have been when she asked how I was doing - ha. 

After she left, my "helper" doctor who's been working with my oncologist came in and chatted side effects from last treatment. When she asked about the worse one from last round I told her "I puked. Twice". I think she said "just twice?". I was thinking "isn't that enough?" but I've heard so many bad chemo stories of people wrapped around toilet bowls unable to eat, so I could understand her "surprise" that puking twice was worse side effects (I think I've gotten used to the others so its really a matter of perspective...) I was so emotional I don't remember when I started cry with her, but I did lol. And was apologising. I've always come in with a smile so this was hard for me. I didn't want my team to think I had given up. It was just a combo of fear of unknown again and nerves....

She did go through the most common side effects for my next drug Docetaxel. Weight gain due to water retention (could get all puffy - great!). Bone, muscle and joint pain (very common). Could get rash on my face and/or body. Likely lose my eyebrows and lashes, even with just 2 doses. And then of course the dreaded "allergic reaction" during infusion. Stats are at 40% for people who react to it - trouble breathing, itchy skin, hives etc - when it's first being put into you. Kinda like what you can get with morphine. I had morphine for labour with Emmy and no reaction then so I hoped that was a sign. 

I asked the doc about Big Valley Jamboree. Cause to be honest, with this new, 'scary' drug on the horizon I was feeling worried about handling an outdoor country camping festival a week and a half after treatment. She was a bit overly exuberant about germs. Another side effect is this drug can really slam your blood counts (esp white blood - ie infection fighters), more so than FEC. She mentioned using our own trailer for all our bathroom breaks...which won't be possible. So as usual me and my mom came up with plan 'B'. I'll bring a box of disposable gloves and my own toiler paper and use that every time I have to use public porta potty. I'll sanitise the crap outta my hands after too just to be safe. I'll also be on preventative antibiotics starting this Sat for seven days (doc prescribes this as first line instead of the $2700 shot that I 'd have to give myself the day after each chemo - Thank you doc!). And I'll take probiotics starting a few days after chemo right through to my next dose. Nurse thought the probiotics was a great idea - even recommended!

My oncologist was next. He was actually in a somewhat jovial mood. Which helped to lift my mood. I asked him about how this drug is "synergistic" with FEC and did they expect continuing (same) results. He said it attacks canser in a different way but that they can only give 4 rounds of FEC cause it can be so hard on the heart. To which I replied "ya I guess that's one organ you kinda need eh?". He actually laughed! He asked about the surgeon appointment, and I told him I hadn't booked it yet but that the surgeon wanted to see me the week leading up to my 6th dose. Oncologist said I probably should see him (surgeon) after Ultrasound too since that will be the determining factor on six vs more. To which I pointed at him and said "just so you know if we have to do 7 rounds I'm gonna likely insist on another ultrasound before doing 8". He just smiled a resigned smile. Maybe I'm finally finding my voice. And getting through. It felt good. There actually may not have been tears with him!

When my nurse finally came in she looked at me and said "you don't look like yourself today. You look kinda sad". I burst into tears lol. She reassured me about the new drug and gave me some tips on how to handle any potential side effects. Then I sort of mentioned 6 rounds and she looked at me, surprised and said 6? And I said "yeah, I'm fighting for 6. If there's still canser left after 6 I'm good with more but I don't wanna do more than necessary. I'm holding him to it".

I think I saw admiration in her eyes when she smiled at me. It felt damn good that I was finally a part of my own treatment. And being treated as such.

And please don't think I'm going all rogue based on fear or dread of continuing chemo. I have an appointment with the Breast canser Supportive Care folks that are a medical team that help you with your medical decisions. A 2nd opinion of sorts. They work alongside Alberta Health and are not for profit. I feel exceptionally lucky and blessed to be seeing them next week. It will be peace of mind to not be trying to make life affecting decisions based solely on my gut and 1 set of opinions.

Triple Negative has a bad rap. It's the most aggressive breast canser (as far as I know). So I want to do whatever is going go give me the best shot at getting it right the first time. 

I think I've mentioned when the same canser comes back "metastasised" it can be from a "rogue" cell that doesn't get wiped out with treatment the first go round. It can find a new spot (ie body part) to attach to and grow.

So I'm a little more open to having to do an extra round of chemo if they tell me that research shows one more after "no detection" on ultrasound may help get the cells they can't see. But I do not want to do more for the sake of doing more either.

So I'm very much looking forward to hearing what the folks at BCSC have to say. We are getting down to the end of chemo...Thank God.

OK Docetaxel. Let's tango.