"The real voyage in discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes" - Marcel Proust

July 13, 2014

When we came to Old Macdonald Resort to camp, I was expecting some R&R, (or as much as you can have with 5 families and 7 kids all at one site!) some catch up time with our friends and family and some family time with the kids. I was expecting to get away from the city and maybe a rest from canser. 

So far I have gotten all that. But what I was not expecting was for a day at the beach to give me perspective on my future surgery and then reconstruction. I've mentioned 'reconstruction' but I don't know if I 've elaborated. I don't have all the info and details on it yet, but I have the general picture




I have 2 broad choices.

1. Implants
2. Use my own tissue

I will of course research and do all my fact finding on both. But right now I'm leaning towards using my own tissue.

What, may you ask, is that? No, they don't recycle my old boobs (they, well at least one of them, tried to kill me remember?!) They would use my baby fat (and I mean from having my 2 babies) by cutting off that sort of lower (currently saggy!) tummy (skin & fat) and then attach it (however those magic plastic surgeons do it! Told ya I haven't read too much into it...) where my breasts once were. So, it's all still my tissue (which will come into play due to the radiation I will have) and - BEST PART- I get a tummy tuck at the same time!! I knew there had to be some perks along this path, aside from the (kinda) free Brazilian. Ha ha! What's (kinda) funny is after having Ethan I used to look at my body - specifically my poor tummy - and wonder if all else failed if maybe a tummy tuck would be something I would ever consider. This isn't exactly (at all) what I had in mind (careful what you wish for!) but not such a raw deal!

Being on the beach yesterday I let my mind wander at the prospect of a new(ish) body. I allowed myself to think of life after boobless Cindo. I was looking at all the women on the beach. There were alot of bikinis. I observed all shapes and sizes of breasts. And all the bikini options for those who were less than ginormous boobs. There were lots of options. Like cute options! And when I thought of my wrinkly tummy I dismayed for half a second, till I remembered the tummy tuck! Then I lit up. I will likely be able to wear a bikini confidently for two (new) reasons in future. 

1. My boobs will actually fit into one that doesn't cost a fortune! (when they use your own tissue your boobs can only be as big as the amount of "extra" tissue you have...Mcdonalds diet to commence 6 months prior to surgery...kidding Kimmy, but we may chat about chubbing me up lol)

2. I'll have a flat(ish) tummy. Or at the very least it won't have the wrinkly, saggy skin it does now. Thank you canser! (I would take the saggy tummy over canser in a heartbeat but being that I have canser....)

So I was (mental) noting all the cool bikinis that I saw. Can you say shopping spree?? And not just for bikinis! I'll likely be able to buy a $15 bra from LaSenza. I've never been able to do that. And likely buy any bra from Victoria's Secret - not just the ones with cups the size of children's hats! (for my busty friends I will likely have some very nice VS bras to "donate" that are in mint condition...)

If the women on the beach felt like they were being observed - they were - by a curious bald gal who was suddenly looking at all my options in future.  Had to put my shades on cause it was looking so bright :)

I'm sure that sounds so incredibly vain and I don't mean to make light of losing one's breasts. But I know there will likely be some dark days after the mastectomy and before the reconstruction surgery, and the beach yesterday gave me a ray of hope that all is not lost. And a possible shopping spree to boot! It was a nice, unexpected Silver Lining. 

And speaking of unexpected Silver Linings I cannot confirm or deny if I may have had a small amount of green herb to do a trial run to make sure I didn't go green (ha) on chemo day. Me and the girls (my actual girlfriends - I have not started speaking about my breasts in the third person)  went for a bike ride after the kids were down and the men were settled around the campfire. Now I don't know when the last time was that I went for a bike ride with my girlfriends. I'd guess I was a teenager. Being from a small town we lived on our bikes growing up. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy biking (One Aim team is looking better and better!!) And how much fun it is with your girlfriends, esp around a campground! We biked to the beach and all around till we found a quiet spot. We were giggling like teenagers as we looked all around making sure we weren't in plain sight. 

"Mom" rebels. Ha.

Then one of my partners in crime may or may  not have lit my medicine for me. We giggled some more. I think we all felt like we were 16 again. We passed it around a few times. It wasn't hitting me right away like one of my girls..she was giggling even more. Maybe it 's cause I made her re-light the damn thing half a dozen times lol. It was just a small one and by the time we got back on our bikes there was 1/4 left. And we were laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes. 

It was great.

I was happy and relaxed and giggling and completely symptom free from my chemo side effects (the ones that don't go away after the first few days - and get worse with each treatment.) No sore forearm muscles (that I could feel lol) No sore, tender veins in my arms. No joint pains in my elbows or wrists. No watering eyes. No headaches. Relief from the discomfort of my one mouth sore. No sore stomach like I can get from having a beer or wine sometimes. And the only "side effect" was laughing like a hyena. And a bit of cotton mouth. That is a hell of alot better than "dizziness" or "indigestion" or "nausea" or "headaches" or "constipation" to name a few from my "helpful" prescribed pills....Because we were giving our abs such a workout from all the laughing and we were "kid free" we decided to go chill out at the beach before we headed back to the site - with everyone there who was (mostly) unaware what mission we were on. 

We parked our bikes and found a spot on the beach. None of us had brought a camera, but the beautiful, bright, golden sun was hovering just above the lake. The reflection off the water was almost too bright to look at without sunglasses. As it sank lower, it turned pink and was really a sight to behold. It was extremely peaceful. (even with the broken up fits of laughter lol)

As we are sitting there I wonder for a moment if this was a good idea. I breathe to check my lung function. Yup, air going in and out. Move my limbs. All working. Focus on my tummy to make sure no nausea. Check. Felt my heart rate - up a bit but we were just biking. As I'm doing these body checks, there's suddenly a flash in the sky and we look up to see the beginning of a fireworks show. At first we thought it was just someone who bought a firework or two. But then there were a few more flashes. Then more and more. It was getting "grander" as time went on. I looked at one of my comrades and said "I bet this is my Dad saying "you wanted a sign on if this was good idea - here is one you can't miss. Hallelujah she finally got it!". At which point she teared up - which was not my intent - I was expecting a laugh. But I guess she was thinking the same thing as me as she watched the first few light up the sky.

So we sat on the beach as more and more people showed up, mesmerised and each lost in our own thoughts. Then I started to get the munchies...oh I mean get hungry, so we headed back to the site. We giggled lots more all the way back. 

We tried to be sly when we got back and sat around the campfire. I think the 4 bags of chips I carried out of the trailer may have given me away....

The fireworks were still going so we convinced some of the menfolk to go back with us. By the time we got back to the beach way more people had shown up. I  pulled out my bag of chips, sat on the beach while watching fireworks with my chemo induced bald head and thought "well I'm every cliche" and then cracked up at my own joke lol. 

It was a good night. 

Although our neighbours in the campground may have wondered where the pack of hyena's came from (but they were kind enough not to call to complain). Which is good cause we are here till Tues!

(oh and I have a Stampede post but I'm doing something a bit different so that one will be posted once it's all ready..)