It's been a reflective kind of week. Kelly sent me the below a long while back when we were talking about chemo. I'd bet anyone who's been through chemo can identify with it:
I mentioned that when I'm feeling physically ill my thoughts turn darker. For me, it's kinda like when they inject me, a portal opens up and I go through my own personal hell for a few days. It's actually not that different (mentally) than when I went through labour. Before you get any pain meds that is (ha or have the baby for all you hardcore mama's out there).
With Emmy I was 10 days overdue so they induced me. But although it skyrocketed me into contractions, the contractions weren't actually doing anything, so they couldn't give me an epidural until I dilated. After the first shot of morphine, nothing worked. So for 2 hours I turned inward and only focused on each moment as it happened. The Pain. Then breathing in between. Getting ready for the next Pain. Repeat. It's a very primal feeling. And very empowering when I think back - usually in amazement. When I finally got the epidural, and looked at Phil - like actually saw him - he said "you're back! I don't know where you were the last 2 hours but I'm glad you're back!". (and he was right beside me through the whole thing)
Chemo weeks feel very similar to me. I turn inwards. That is when I face my demons.
Every bad canser story I've ever heard plays back then. With the added bonus of wondering "will I die a horrible death too?". That's when I wonder if I'll see my kids get married. Or have their own kids. I look in awe, and maybe with a bit of envy, at seniors with white hair and think how lucky they are to have been given the experience of having white hair and I wonder if I'll ever experience it.
Sometimes I wonder if Phil ever looks at me and wonders if I'll die.
When the kids insist Mommy does something cause I do it "right" (there are also Daddy only things) I sometimes debate showing Phil...just incase.
It's a dark place. But when I wake up usually 3-4 (or 5) days later, something clicks and I know I've been released and life is good again. Or maybe going to those dark places makes me appreciate every moment, just a little bit more. And I don't dwell on each moment - but I do entertain them momentarily before banishing them back to whatever hell they came from.
I don't know if that is considered soul searching but I think I grow after each chemo.
I know this round must have been harder on me, and my mom, cause she actually suggested something I wasn't sure if I heard right...
She mentioned maybe it was time to try the green herb...!
My mom has never tried pot. It's just never been her thing. She was pretty straight and narrow growing up so when she brought that up I knew I must be in rough shape lol.. And then a few other people mentioned it. So I started to roll the idea around in my head...and then I did a bit of reading on it and anticipatory nausea. And guess what? It does help some people not get anticipatory nausea (the pills they give you do sweet f#%* all cause it's a learned nausea)
So I think next chemo will be alot...brighter....and my post from that day may not be so dark...or dark at all lol.
I feel defiant and hopeful. Which is a hell of alot better than terrified and anxious...I've tried it the doctor's way but it keeps getting worse with each treatment. Their answers lie in pills that have additional side effects to the barrage I already have. Time to go my own way.
And maybe actually enjoy some side effects. There's a novel idea - pleasant side effects!
So after a darker than normal week, now I begin "Rogue Cindo".
We go camping this week with 4 other families and I feel ready to enjoy every second. canser may slow me down during chemo week but it's not gonna slow me down any longer than necessary.
I'm back.
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