Pity Party For One

July 3, 2014

Ug.

Chemo was...an experience yesterday lol. I was so relieved on the one hand to at least be facing the devil I knew that I think initially my anxiety (about what was to come) was lower than normal. 

Until we walked into the "chemo room" and I could smell "The Smell". Just writing that makes my stomach turn. I was never one of those people who thought hospitals had a smell. But just the thought of the chemo room and I turn green.

Or white. Like 15 minutes into my 1st drug (red devil) I had to take my anti nausea pill. My stomach was rolling. It just got worse. I asked, slightly panicked, for a ginger ale. I sipped it but it didn't really help (although I tried to fervently convince myself that it was). My stomach just kept turning. Finally, white as a ghost, I asked for a bucket. Full panic mode now.

They gave me a little L shaped "bowl" and I went through 2 of them till they gave me a bucket, which I also had to use. Tears rolled down my face and I apologised as I emptied the contents of my stomach sitting in the chemo chair in a room full of people. It was awful. And totally all in my mind cause the treatment itself - as they are putting it into you - shouldn't make you nauseous.

Through all my chemo treatments my aim was to get through it without puking. Until this week I had been doing it. Guess you can't control everything...

Once we were done I couldn't get outta there fast enough. I had to cover my nose the last half hour cause I couldn't take the smell. We got a plain bagel with butter on the way home and that helped. Ate some toast when I got home. All good. Then I made my sweet potato leek soup and threw up again within an hour...NOT fun. 

While this was happening Emily was (thankfully) with my mom and Phil was at the hospital with Ethan (his arm had been bothering him to the point he wasn't using it after pulling it on Canada Day. He's fine! But we wanted to check it out)

So there I was alone, worshipping the porcelain Goddess and crying again. I hate getting sick. Although in fairness, I'm not sure anyone likes it. But in a way I was glad I was alone. Not very glamorous (ha) and the kids would've been upset. I made it back up to the couch and let my stomach settle. Then had some gluten free pasta with a touch of basil tomato sauce for flavour. That went down well. Phil and Ethan were home by then so we ate together. Emmy got home shortly after.

My tummy wasn't ever 100% settled for the rest of the night. So we did bedtime stories in my bed. Phil read the books and the kids snuggled with me. That was nice. My babies always make things better, even if momentarily.

Phil put them to bed and I was out by the time he came back. Guess it took alot out of me. 

I slept well. Today I've been feeling what me and Kelly call "blah". Just off. Managing nausea all day. No getting sick - Thank God.

Had pasta for breakfast (lol) I was actually craving KD but thought that might be pushing it...and wouldn't be worth getting sick over ha ha. The pasta was safe last night so I didn't want to chance it. I was pretty nervous eating today. But had ham on toast for lunch (real ham) and then 2 veggie burgers late in the afternoon of all things. I was too scared to have a smoothie which is what came up at chemo...I even treated myself to ice cream after supper - haven't had ice cream in months. Everything stayed down, so good day in that respect. 

Me and Phil took Daisy out for a walk as well. About 30-40 minutes. And tonight our neighbours Joe and Trista came over for a visit. The kids invited their daughter Olivia to come for a dip in the pool. It was nice having company over.

What really sucks is the timing of Stamped this year. We leave for Old MacDonald next week but with chemo on a Wed this week it takes me out for celebrating this weekend. I had put an SOS out to my girls and a bunch stepped up to go two stepping before I leave but it will be too close on the heels of chemo so I decided not a good idea. It will be my 1st Stampede in a while that I miss. We always have a girls night and go two stepping (most of our hubbies hate two stepping) So I'm pretty disappointed. Maybe we can have a Stampede do-over after. I moved here from Montreal when I 17 so I love Stampede. 

It's always hard for me to accept  not being able to do something cause of canser or canser related treatment. Like REALLY hard. I'm sure I'll cry about it in next few days. Tears of frustration as I see all the pics on my Facebook newsfeed of all my fellow Calgarians taking part in the festivities and parties. There hasn't been alot it's stopped me from doing but I have to say missing Stampede is a big one. We may try to hit a few pancake breakfasts for the kids. I had actually planned on taking the kids to the parade for the first time this year...but I wasn't counting on it also being "chemo week" at the time...or even canser being part of our plans for that matter.

I know - having a "poor me" moment. I'm sorry. It could be so much worse so I really shouldn't be complaining. I'm just disappointed. What's one year though right? It just makes me mad cause it feels like canser's getting one up on me and I hate that feeling. Everytime I camp, walk, run, Zumba or just carry on with my life I feel like I'm giving canser the finger. Missing Stampede feels like its flipping me back. "Ha ha you're too sick to go this year!".

I told ya feeling crummy takes a hit on my mood...I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I'll hopefully get in a good visit with my Mom and Grandma with lots of laughs. And maybe company for supper.

This is my go to song when i'm feeling down. Carry On by Fun. Video from YouTube.